Chapter 8
Theo couldn’t sleep. It was only nine o’clock, but he’d retired from the common room earlier than usual. For some reason, he couldn’t tolerate the conversations his friends were having tonight. He couldn’t even recall what they’d been talking about, but he had found himself muttering excuses about homework as he slipped into his dormitory in search of some much-needed solitude. He’d attempted to sit at his desk and actually get some homework done, but his mind kept straying to his interactions with Granger earlier. His emotions were all mixed up, his mind going a mile a minute trying to piece together what exactly had happened.
He thought of the way she’d turned to stare at him during Charms, the way her honey-brown eyes had searched his. He’d been unable to look away, transfixed by the intent way she’d studied him. And then the way she’d smiled at him as she introduced herself; the way he’d made a total arse of himself by dropping her hand as if it were tainted. How could he have been so bloody stupid? How could it not have occurred to him that she might misunderstand his actions? He winced as he recalled the way his friends, Draco in particular, had mocked Granger for so many years, as Theo stood by and did nothing. Of course she would assume he was like them– that he wouldn’t want to touch her, when in reality, it was all he wanted to do.
Gods, the way his body had reacted to her touch that evening– he knew she’d felt it, but he couldn’t have controlled it even if he wanted to. Theo was fucking hopeless when it came to Granger. He always had been, but her touch, the way she’d looked at him today– it had ignited something in him that he knew he was powerless to stop. He closed his eyes as he recalled the gentle strokes her thumb had traced on his arm. Granger had carved herself into his very being, and he could feel himself aching for her touch all the way down to his bones. Theo had spent the better part of seven years yearning for this woman, somehow content with stolen glances and the quiet weight of unspoken words, as if the mere proximity of her presence was enough to sustain him. However, Theo knew he had flown too close to the sun now, and he would be starved without her warmth.
“Let’s just start over, shall we?” She’d asked the question almost nervously, as if he wasn’t completely at her mercy. Merlin, he felt like the luckiest man on Earth that she’d spoken those words, that she was the patient, understanding, and forgiving witch that she was. He only prayed he didn’t find another way to bugger it all up, that he didn’t say or do something foolish tomorrow evening. Tomorrow evening. When he’d be alone with Granger, unable to hide behind a notebook or pretend he didn’t exist. Giving up on the possibility of sleep finding him anytime soon, Theo sat up and turned the light back on with a flick of his wand. Reaching for his journal, he realized Granger had finally answered him. With all the events of the day, he had to re-read his own message to remember what he'd written before looking at hers.
My mother’s garden was as chaotically beautiful as she was. I don’t really know a thing about gardening, so I would need a proper education about it before I even attempted something of the sort. I like the idea of it too, though. Her favourite flower was a peony– she always smelled like them, too. I actually wanted to plant a bush next to her grave when I was small, but my father wouldn’t allow it.
I’ll never get tired of the way you talk to me, Wildcard. Do you know how reassuring you are? I’ve never experienced kindness like this, truly.
I got the sense you were dreading this question, but would you like to tell me about your family? I understand if you don’t want to delve into details.
Theo ran his fingers through his hair nervously as he prepared himself for her response, knowing her response had come after the sequence of events this afternoon. After the way he’d seen her eyes fill with tears today in the hallway, the way she’d anxiously admitted that her hurt had been caused by the belief that he didn’t like her because of her blood– he worried that he may have pushed her too far by asking this question. Steeling himself, he read on.
You should do it, Mystery. Plant a peony bush for her. Even if it’s not at her grave, find somewhere else to do it. Is it odd that peonies are my favourite flower, as well? I promise I’m not just saying that– what are the odds, though?
You’re right that I have been dreading answering this question, but you were brave enough to share the difficult parts of your life with me, so I owe you the same honesty. I just hope you won’t see me any differently after you learn more.
As you’ve probably gathered, my parents are not wizards. During the war, I knew Muggle-born witches and wizards were in danger, and I’d heard of their families being hunted down and killed. I was terrified for my parents, you have to understand– I didn’t know what else to do. So I erased their memories. I made them forget they had a daughter, forget their own names and adopt new identities so they could move somewhere new, somewhere safe. I told myself after the war ended I’d go back and restore them.
Unfortunately, I learned that memory erasing spells are quite touchy. Although I consulted several different mind healers and specialists, I learned that because I’d erased such a large chunk of their lives, restoring their memories would be next to impossible. If I did restore them, there was a very high chance that they would suffer from permanent brain damage and would likely need long-term care, most likely at St. Mungo’s. I chose not to attempt to reverse the spell, so now they’re living out their lives, unaware that they ever had a daughter. So, I would reckon it’s probably fairly easy to guess what I would change about my family, right? Please don’t hate me, Mystery. It’s the most shameful thing I’ve ever done.
Theo’s jaw dropped as he read his pen pal’s words. He knew Granger had been through hell during the war, even in years prior, but he had no idea she’d been forced to make such a painful sacrifice. The worst part was she actually blamed herself for it– she even thought he would judge her or hate her for the choice she’d made to save her family. Theo felt a stab of guilt, sharp and unrelenting, as he realized his father was the reason Granger had been put in that position in the first place.
His father, Voldemort’s most loyal follower. Gods, he hated the man with every fiber of his being. Even with Nott Sr. locked away in Azkaban for the rest of his life, the shadows of his malevolence seemed to linger in every corner of Theo’s life, an invisible presence he could never fully escape. This was the legacy he’d left his son– a life burdened by the consequences of his prejudices, an inability to ever truly be worthy of goodness and light. He wondered what Granger would say if she knew who had raised him, if she knew the things his father had attempted to beat into him. Attempting to push down the all-too-familiar self-loathing, he scribbled furiously into his notebook, desperately trying to convey his admiration of her.
Merlin, I don’t even know what to say. That’s an incredibly heavy burden to bear, and you are an incredibly brave person to have made that choice. I can’t imagine how painful it must have been– how painful it continues to be. It makes me very sad to hear you say you feel ashamed, and that you’d even entertain the idea that I would judge you or hate you for this.
You are so much braver than I ever could be. What you did took a tremendous amount of courage, but it shouldn’t have come to that. Gods, what a fucked up world we live in. I’m so sorry the war tore your family apart. I’m so sorry you have to navigate the world without your parents. Do you know how strong you are? I’m in awe of you, truly. Thank you for trusting me enough to share that story with me– I know how difficult it must have been.
Theo was sure he’d said the wrong thing, but he didn’t know what else to say. If he were braver, he’d apologize for his own role in the tragedy that had befallen Granger– he’d admit that he was partially to blame for what had happened to her parents. Logically, Theo knew he wasn’t the one who had gone on a Muggle murdering spree, but he knew in his soul that his conscience was far from clean. Why hadn’t he done something– why hadn’t he fought for the Order the way Granger and her friends had? Why hadn’t he told Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy to shove it after they insulted Granger and her friends, time after time? Theo was a coward. He'd always known this, but it hurt more to remember tonight. The guilt and self-disgust clawed at him as he tossed and turned, unable to bring himself to wait around for Granger’s response. He felt like an idiot for believing he had a chance with her, for thinking she’d be able to see past his darkness, his spinelessness.
Finally, Theo accepted that tonight would likely be a sleepless night. He groaned as he glanced at the clock, noticing it was nearly two o’clock in the morning now. He stood from his bed, pulling a sweatshirt over his head as he headed to the common room. To his surprise, Draco sat in front of the fireplace, twirling a glass of Firewhiskey in his hand as he stared at the flames. His head snapped up at the sound of Theo clearing his throat, and he let out a sigh of relief when he saw who it was.
“Merlin, Nott. Must you take such pleasure in creeping up on me all the time?” Draco asked as he relaxed back into the plush armchair.
Theo joined him in front of the fire, watching as Draco conjured an extra glass and poured a generous serving of the amber liquid for his friend. Theo accepted the drink with a slight nod, tipping his glass to Draco before taking a sip. “Sorry, mate. I know you always say that, but I swear I don’t do it on purpose,” he said.
Draco waved him off. “I know you don’t. You just have especially quiet footsteps, I suppose,” he smirked. “What’s got you roaming around at this ungodly hour, Nott?’
Theo sighed as he leaned his head back against the back of the couch. “I dunno. Lots on my mind, I suppose.”
His best friend threw him a knowing smirk. “Ah yes, lots of Granger, you mean.” Theo shot him a look but said nothing to dispute the claim, even as Draco continued. “I saw you two making eyes at each other at dinner. You do realize she fancies you, right?”
Theo nearly choked on his drink. “I’m sorry, what? She most certainly does not fancy me,” he argued.
Draco rolled his eyes. “Please, Theodore. Spare me the humility. She was practically undressing you with her eyes.”
Theo felt his face grow hot at his words. “You haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about–” he sputtered, knowing he sounded like an absolute loon. “She was just being nice. I made an arse out of myself when she tried to talk to me earlier, and I’d just apologized for it. I'm sure she was just trying to make me feel better,” he insisted.
Draco pinned him with a stare. “You can think whatever you want, but the way you two were eyeing each other was far beyond just being nice. Where did the conversation end between you two, by the way?”
“Erm, she asked if I wanted to study with her tomorrow night,” he admitted, refusing to meet his friend’s eye.
“Ah yes, because Granger certainly needs help with her studies. Come off it, Nott. She likes you. Why is that so hard for you to believe?” Draco asked, his tone less teasing now.
Theo rubbed his hands over his eyes. “You know why,” he muttered.
“I’m afraid I don’t. Why don’t you enlighten me?” Draco pressed.
Theo felt his frustration bubbling to the surface as he finally lifted his head to meet Draco’s gaze. “Because I don’t bloody deserve her!” He said, louder than usual.
Theo never yelled, and Draco looked slightly shocked by his friend’s slightly raised voice. “Why do you say that, Theo?” The blonde asked quietly.
“Don’t make me do this, Draco,” Theo sighed. When saw that his fellow Slytherin had no intention of letting him worm his way out of the question, he continued. “Even if Granger thinks she likes me now, which she doesn’t, by the way– she’ll want nothing to do with me once she realizes who I really am. What I’ve done,” he said darkly.
“What you’ve done? Nott, remind me exactly what that is. Because between the two of us, there’s only one person sitting here with the fucking Dark Mark. There’s only one of us who attempted to kill a headmaster. I’m failing to see why it is you’re so intent on preventing yourself from going after what you want, for fuck’s sake,” Draco said, venom in his voice.
Theo glanced over at him, feeling suddenly guilty. “I’m sorry, mate. I didn’t mean to–”
“It’s fine,” Draco said icily. “You don’t need to feel sorry for me. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it. I know what I’ve done, I know the kind of person I used to be, and I’m trying my best to leave it behind me. I don’t understand why you can’t do the same, especially when you’ve barely done anything wrong to begin with.”
“You know that’s not true,” Theo said, gritting his teeth.
“Isn't it, though? Honestly, mate, I don’t get it. For as long as I’ve known you, which is basically since we were in nappies, you haven’t had an evil bone in your body. For Merlin’s sake, the worst thing you’ve ever done is sneak food to my bloody house elf,” Draco said, and Theo flushed at the reminder. He hadn’t thought his friend had noticed. “You’ve had a real shitty go of things, and for the life of me, I don’t understand why you’re so hell-bent on convincing yourself you don’t deserve happiness,” Draco finished, twirling his drink in his hand.
Theo pondered his words, finding he didn’t really have an answer. “I appreciate you saying all that, but you know I’m not blameless. I knew what my father was, all those years, and I never did a thing to stop him–”
“He would have killed you, Theo. End of story. You were a bloody child. What were you expected to do?” Draco asked, his tone firm, indicating there was no room for rebuttal.
Finally beginning to feel the whispers of exhaustion, Theo sighed in resignation. “You’re a good friend, Draco. I wish I could see things that way– I’m trying. I really am.” He stood to head back to his dorm, knowing he’d likely only catch a few hours of sleep if he was lucky. “You should go get some sleep. I never even asked you what was keeping you up,” he added hastily, feeling selfish.
Draco smiled wryly. “It’s fine, Nott. That’s a story for another time. I’m sure we’ll find ourselves back here soon, anyways.”
Theo nodded grimly before heading to his room and collapsing into his bed, feeling grateful for the dreamless sleep that quickly claimed him.
------------------------
If you had to teach someone else a skill, what would you feel most confident choosing?
Theo stared at the prompt in front of him, unable to muster the energy to respond. Honestly, he had no idea what to say, although he could admit he was grateful for the lightheartedness of today’s question in comparison to yesterday’s. To his relief, Wildcard’s response began to appear. He knew Granger was sitting across the Great Hall from him, but he was too tired to attempt to hide the notebook on the off chance she decided to look towards him.
Good morning, Mystery. I have to say, I’m glad they decided to give us a break with today’s question. I don’t know about you, but yesterday’s had me feeling positively wrung out.
I don’t know if I’d be willing to teach a whole class of people or anything, but I’ve always been pretty decent at casting a Patronus. I think I could probably teach someone else. What about you?
He blinked at her question, realizing he truly didn’t have an answer. He began writing anyway, hoping it would come to him.
How right you are as always, Wildcard. I think I need a bloody holiday after everything that question dredged up yesterday.
Would you ever teach me to catch a Patronus? I’ve never been able to, unfortunately. I should probably have something more exciting to say, but I’m fairly good at Chess. I suppose I could teach someone that. Sorry, as I said, I’m running on fumes today– please forgive me for having the enthusiasm of Professor Binns during his third lesson of the day.
Theo glanced up at the curly headed witch a ways across from him and felt his spirits lift a bit as he watched her grin to herself whilst she read his message. Feeling slightly buoyed by Granger’s smile, he allowed himself to coast on the feeling for as long as he could throughout the day. Despite nearly nodding off during Arithmancy, Theo managed to make it through the day relatively unscathed. After his last class of the day, he retreated to his dorm and allowed himself to indulge in a quick nap before dinner.
After what felt like no more than thirty minutes, Theo awoke with a jolt, finding himself face-down on his bed, shoes still on his feet. He sat up, rubbing his eyes as he turned towards the clock. His stomach sank when he realized it read 7:18.
“Fuck!” He cursed aloud as he jumped out of bed. He quickly rushed into the bathroom, splashing cold water on his face, knowing he would likely still look like an absolute nutter no matter what he did. He took off at a full sprint to the library, knowing Granger may not even be there anymore. When he finally turned the corner and entered the room, he saw her sitting at a table towards the back. She had a book laid out in front of her, but he saw her eyes darting around the room. When her gaze finally landed on him, he felt his mouth dry. He approached her the way one might approach a Hippogriff, although he knew it was purely his own intimidation that caused him to feel so cautious of her.
Granger smiled kindly at him as he arrived to stand next to her. “Hello, Nott. Everything alright, then?”
Theo didn’t know what to do with his hands. He rested them on the chair next to her, then second-guessed himself and dropped them in front of him before rubbing them on his robes and placing them at his sides. Gods, he was a nervous idiot.
He swallowed. “Yes, quite alright, I guess– I’m so sorry I kept you waiting,” he said. Since when had his voice sounded so fucking strange?
She tilted her head at him, still smiling. “It’s no trouble at all. Although I was beginning to think you were standing me up,” she said.
Theo felt himself visibly pale. “Fuck, I’m so sorry– I must have fallen asleep, I didn’t mean to–”
“Relax, Nott. I’m just teasing,” she said, her eyes glinting a bit mischievously. Of course she was, you bloody idiot, he thought to himself. “Er, would you like to sit?” She gestured at the chair next to her.
Robotically, he pulled it out and sat down next to her, realizing how close he was now. He was close enough to smell her perfume– Granger smelled of cherry blossom and cedarwood, soft and floral with a grounding earthiness, like spring after rain. Her knee brushed his and he swore he could actually feel himself losing brain cells. He felt like his tongue was made of cotton, unable to form anything even remotely intelligent. Merlin, what was wrong with him? With great effort, he dragged his eyes up to her. To his surprise, she was facing her book, wearing a small smile on her face. She stifled a giggle, and he froze in confusion.
“Nott, did you bring anything to study?” She asked, biting her lip to keep from smiling.
If he hadn’t felt like an absolute moron before, he certainly did now. “No, I didn’t. I’m making an arse out of myself once again, aren’t I?” Theo said, deciding to stick with honesty.
“No! Of course you’re not. You said you fell asleep, and I can tell you rushed to get here. It’s alright, really. You can use one of my books,” she said, pulling out a few more textbooks.
Theo smiled gratefully at her, reaching for her Ancient Runes book. He really didn’t need to study, he realized, but he’d be willing to read Gilderoy Lockhart’s autobiography cover to cover if it allowed him to sit in companionable silence next to Hermione Granger for however long she’d allow him. He flipped through the pages aimlessly for the next ten minutes, wondering if he should try to strike up a conversation. Just as the thought occurred to him, he felt her eyes over his shoulder, reading whatever random page he’d selected.
“What do you make of that Rune, the one on the left?” Granger asked, and he felt his breathing still as she reached over him to point to a collection of symbols he’d never seen before.
Willing himself to say anything– literally anything, Theo finally blurted out “I actually don’t know– hang on, that’s the Rune Perthro, isn’t it?” He said, pleased at his last-minute save.
Granger nodded, and he felt her hair graze his shoulder. “That’s what I thought, too. I was translating it the other day– it translates roughly to chance or fate, right? But I think there’s more to it.”
Theo found himself genuinely interested, turning to face her as he rested his chin on his other hand. “Really? Do share,” he said.
Hermione looked slightly surprised at his obvious intrigue, which caused him to frown inwardly. Were Potter and Weasley really that dismissive of her brilliance?
“Erm, I think it might be tied to the concept of hidden knowledge, or something of the sort. That’s what’s fascinating about Ancient Runes to me– they often aren’t just about the words—they’re about timing, intention, and context. Does that make sense?” she asked, looking suddenly unsure of herself.
Theo leaned forward slightly. “No, I think I understand what you mean. Like how some knowledge is only accessible when certain conditions align. The way certain ancient spells can only be cast under specific celestial arrangements– unseen forces, that kind of thing?”
Granger looked genuinely shocked at his words. “Yes, exactly! It’s like magic itself, isn’t it? It’s not just the spell, it’s the timing. The most powerful incantations are worthless if you don’t understand the circumstances under which to cast them.”
He nodded. “The beauty of Ancient Runes. It boggles me that more people don’t take that class,” he said earnestly.
Granger bit her lip again as she smiled. “I’m always telling Harry and Ron the same thing! It’s not just about learning the symbols—it’s about understanding the magic that underpins the wizarding world itself,” she said excitedly.
Gods, she certainly is beautiful when she’s all lit up about something, he thought.
“That’s true, but–” he said slowly, considering if it would be better to just agree with her. She cocked her head at him, pressing him to continue, so he did. “The theory and application are obviously a very important part, but I’ve always been rather fascinated with the subtle power of Runes– what they imply, what they hide, how these ancient texts were designed to keep secrets, to protect.”
To his surprise, Granger scooched closer to him, near enough that he could see the flecks of gold in her eyes and the perfect constellation of freckles on her nose. “I’ve never heard anyone describe it that way before,” she said, chewing her lower lip in thought. “You think they were meant to hide knowledge? I always thought of them as a way to preserve wisdom, not lock it away."
Theo nodded slowly. “Well, the way I see it, preserving knowledge and hiding it can go hand in hand. Take the Rune of Svarog, for example. It represents fire, yes, but also destruction. Not all knowledge is meant to be revealed."
Granger frowned slightly as she mulled over his words, playing absentmindedly with one of the small gold hoops on her ear. “Although that’s a rather cynical way of looking at it, I suppose I see your point,” she said slowly. “Not all knowledge should be exposed—some things are meant to stay buried. Although, the Gryffindor in me would probably be unable to resist the temptation of forbidden knowledge,” she grinned.
“The Gryffindor in you has been known to get yourself into quite a few predicaments, has it not?’ Theo asked, feeling bolder by the minute. He hadn’t expected the conversation to flow so easily between them. He knew Granger was brilliant, but to sit here and debate the meaning behind a Rune with her… he’d never felt so intrigued.
Granger elbowed him playfully. “And yet, the Gryffindor in me has also managed to get many people out of quite a few predicaments. I’d say that’s a rather key distinction, wouldn't you?”
He let out a genuine laugh at that. “Fair enough. Ten points to Gryffindor, I suppose.”
Just as she was about to respond, the moment was interrupted by the sound of someone else’s voice.
“‘Mione?” Weasley said, rounding the corner to stand in front of their table.
Fucking hell, Theo thought. Surely, Granger would make her hasty exit now, embarrassed to be caught spending her evening with him. To his surprise, Granger cast an irritated look at her redheaded friend.
“Ronald? To what do I owe the pleasure?” She asked calmly, although clearly displeased.
“I saw you on the– er, I thought you might be here so I decided to stop by,” Weasley said, eyes darting between her and Theo.
Granger’s eyes narrowed. “Since when do you spend any time in the library voluntarily? Are you stalking me, Ronald?”
Theo looked at the witch in admiration. She certainly wasn’t afraid to stand her ground.
Weasley, unfortunately, seemed to follow his gaze. “Can I have a word, ‘Mione? In private?” Weasley asked, eyeing Theo suspiciously.
Granger huffed as she stood up before turning back to Theo. “I do apologize for the very rude interruption, Nott. Let me just see what my dear friend Ron could possibly need. Do you mind?”
He shook his head, too confused to utter a word. As the pair retreated to the aisle a few feet away, Theo was able to catch snippets of their conversation.
“...Slytherin! He could be…”
“...no business telling me who to study with–” he heard Granger hiss.
“...only looking out for you–”
“I don’t need your–”
“...pen pal?” He heard Weasley’s unmistakable voice ask.
“Can’t you just… none of your concern!” Granger’s voice was rising in volume.
Finally, she returned to the table, smiling apologetically at him. “Gods, I’m so embarrassed. Please forgive my absolute neanderthal of a friend. We’re still working on the whole 'civilized behavior' thing,” she said, shooting daggers at the back of Weasley’s now retreating head.
Theo laughed despite himself. “It’s quite alright, honestly. Does he do that often? Er, check up on you like that?”
Granger shrugged. “Sometimes. Can you keep a secret?” She leaned in conspiratorially.
He nodded, transfixed. “He and Harry are in possession of an enchanted map that tells them the whereabouts of anyone in the castle at all times. I’d be willing to bet that he saw me sitting close to you in the library and decided to storm in here and demand an explanation. They’d kill me if they knew I told you they had it, but I happen to find you rather trustworthy,” she said, winking at him.
Theo wasn’t sure if he was more interested in the map or the fact that Granger had just told him she trusted him. He was also distracted by a nagging sense of jealousy, which didn’t make sense– Granger certainly didn’t belong to him, and she had referred to Weasley as a friend, but he found himself wondering about the nature of their relationship regardless.
Before he could stop himself, he asked the question that was lingering in his mind. “So you and Weasley aren’t– er, you two aren’t together?”
Granger rolled her eyes. “Gods, no. I’d sooner date a Hungarian Horntail.”
Theo let out another laugh. “Really? He’s that bad, then?”
“No, no, of course not– Ron’s my best friend. We’re a terrible match, though. Despite what the Daily Prophet might have to say about it, things are and always will be strictly platonic between us,” she said.
Thank the Gods, Theo thought, feeling reassured by Granger’s words.
“And Potter, then?” Theo asked. Bloody hell, what was wrong with him? Was he trying to scare her away?
Granger smiled appeasingly. “No. Harry is the brother I never had. And besides, he and Ginny Weasley have fancied each other for ages.”
Theo nodded. “Ah, I see. Thanks for– er, clarifying,” he said, feeling foolish.
Granger studied him. “Honestly, if I didn’t know better, I’d think you were a bit jealous, Nott,” she teased.
Instead of responding, Theo let out a nervous laugh, followed by a silence that seemed to stretch out for minutes. Fucking hell.
Granger looked at him, a mix of curiosity and amusement on her face. “Anyways, where were we?” She asked, leaning back into him to find her place in the textbook and resting her elbow on his knee absentmindedly.
Theo nearly had a conniption at her touch, his eyes wide as he looked down at the witch in front of him. She turned her head slightly and smiled up at him, oblivious to the effect she was having on him. It’s going to be a bloody long night, Theo thought to himself, knowing he’d withstand a thousand more sleepless nights if it meant he got to feel her arm against his leg, to watch her bite her lip as she read, to drink in the scent of her perfume. He would stay here all night if she’d let him.