Chapter 6
Theo
“What the fuck was that?!” Theo hissed as he yanked Draco into the corridor leading to the loos.
“What the fuck was what? Simmer down, Nott,” Draco said as he pulled Theo’s hands off his robes.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. I saw you talking to Granger. What the fuck are you getting at?” Theo asked, his heart pounding.
“Oh, that,” Draco said, adapting his best bored, posh-like tone. “We were just discussing how dreamy you looked in Potions the other day.”
Theo blanched. “What?”
Draco rolled his eyes. “Relax, Nott. I was apologizing to her. Happy?”
Theo stared at his friend, a mixture of shock and confusion on his face. “You were apologizing? To Granger? Why?”
“Honestly, for being so bright, you can be awfully thick sometimes. Yes, I told her I was deeply sorry for being a prat for so many years, among other things,” Draco said calmly.
“What on earth compelled you to do that?” Theo asked, cocking his head.
“I dunno, my conscience? Perhaps that and the fact that my best mate is madly in love with her and if he’s going to have any sort of shot with her, she’d probably appreciate knowing the people he’s acquainted with aren’t hateful little pricks anymore,” Draco said, his tone suddenly serious.
Theo didn’t know what to say. He definitely knew that Draco had changed for the better, but he was surprisingly touched by this gesture. It was true that Theo had pondered what would happen if he were to reveal his identity to Granger– if she would judge him based on his friendship with Draco and her perception of him, which Theo was sure could not be very positive. Maybe this had shifted her opinion of Draco, maybe she would be more open-minded.
“Oh. That’s– thanks for doing that, then. And I’m sorry I sort of jumped to conclusions. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst,” Theo said, feeling suddenly guilty for his little display.
“Don’t worry about it. I know you feel quite strongly about all this. You should know that I’d never to anything to get in the way of this– of whatever it is you two have going on,” Draco said as they headed back to their table at The Three Broomsticks.
Theo smiled tightly at his best friend, giving a quick nod of acknowledgement. As he found his seat, he reached for his notebook and found his pen pal hadn’t yet replied to his last message. He shouldn’t have been bothered by this; he was sure she was busy, and they didn’t always write back and forth very quickly. He craned his neck to see if Granger was still sitting at her table by herself, and found that Potter and Weasley had rejoined her. He could only see the back of their heads, but they were leaning close to Granger as if they were discussing something important. She, on the other hand, had her arms crossed and eyes narrowed as she looked from one of them to the other. He saw her lips moving, a stern expression on her face as if she were lecturing her friends. Theo smiled to himself as he watched her in mild amusement. She really was a firecracker.
Although he tried to focus on the conversation Draco, Pansy, and Blaise were having, Theo was distracted. After half an hour, he found himself jiggling his foot anxiously. He could see Granger's notebook in front of her, open but turned over so the words were facing down. Before he could stop himself, he reached for his own and wrote a quick message.
Sorry if that was too much. I don’t mean to be too forward.
He watched as she registered the faint glowing and glanced at Potter and Weasley to ensure they weren’t paying very close attention to her, engrossed in their own conversation. Picking up her notebook, he saw her eyes flit across the page. She frowned slightly, and to his horror, glanced over to his table. He quickly dropped his eyes, his heart beating in his throat. Had Draco inadvertently revealed his identity to Granger? Was she disgusted by the knowledge that he was the person she’d been talking to, flirting with, even? What if she marched over and exposed him in front of the entire pub?
“Draco,” he whispered, elbowing his friend.
“What?” The blonde asked, angling his body closer to hear what Theo had to say.
“What exactly did you say to her? Because I just wrote something and as soon as she read it, she looked over at our table,” he hissed. He knew he needed to calm down, but he was almost shaking.
“She– what? Hold on, I didn’t say a word about the pen pal stuff. I don’t know why she’d be looking at us –oh, fuck. Hang on, let me-” Draco said, his face suddenly paling. Granger was staring daggers at Draco.
Before Theo could ask, he watched in horror as Draco’s eyes met Granger’s and he gave a jerk of his head to indicate she should follow him to the corridor he and Theo had just occupied. What the fuck? Theo felt he was going to be sick, especially when from the corner of his eye, he saw Granger get up and follow Draco. After what felt like hours, but in reality, couldn’t have been more than a minute or two, Draco returned and he saw Granger heading back to her own seat. Theo turned to Draco, knowing his face was probably betraying every emotion he was feeling.
“Relax, mate,” Draco whispered before Theo could open his mouth. “I didn’t say anything about you. I realized when you said she was staring at us that she probably thought it was me writing to her. I just told her I wasn’t her pen pal, that’s all.”
Relief flooded through Theo, followed closely by another emotion– was it jealousy? “She thought it was you writing to her? How did she seem– er, do you think she wanted it to be you?”
Draco rolled his eyes before eyeing their other friends to ensure they weren’t eavesdropping. “Please, Nott. She looked revolted before I clarified. She is decidedly uninterested in me, and the feeling is mutual,” he said, as if he’d read Theo’s mind.
That certainly reassured him, but he was curious what this conversation would mean. He felt very mixed up, unable to fully understand what had just transpired. He nearly jumped when he saw his notebook begin to glow, quickly opening it.
So, this has been quite an interesting day for me. What about you?
Theo responded immediately, tossing back the last of his Firewhiskey. He felt a bit silly writing to her when she sat across the room from him, but there was a strange thrill to it as well.
Yes, it’s been… interesting for me as well. Did I scare you off earlier?
No, you didn’t. I don’t want you to worry about that, okay? My feelings haven’t changed.
Theo felt his face color as his pulse skyrocketed. He didn’t think twice before writing back.
And what feelings are you referring to? If you don’t mind my asking.
He dared to glance over to Granger again and watched as she bit her lip, smiling slightly into her notebook. Merlin, she was beautiful. To his even greater awe, he saw a blush begin to spread across her cheeks as she wrote something back. She reached for her own drink and took a large sip after putting her pen down.
I may or may not have a pretty big crush on my pen pal.
The words stared up at him. Theo thought he genuinely might be suffering from heart palpitations. He couldn’t bring himself to look at her now, knowing he would likely lose his nerve as he replied.
You mean that?
I really do.
Damn, Wildcard. You’re making me sweat. The feeling is mutual, by the way. Very much so.
Now he chanced a look across the room. Granger was blushing furiously now, her hand over her mouth to hide her smile as she read his words. And he wasn’t lying. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck and realized it felt hot. How was he supposed to be in the same room as this woman? He could scarcely believe what she was saying– was it possible that after all these years of pining after her, she might actually feel the same way? Then again, she didn’t know it was him, he remembered. She would never be saying these things if she knew who she was writing to. He glanced down as her familiar handwriting appeared once again.
Can I ask you a question, Mystery?
Of course. Ask me anything, Wildcard.
Do you think we’ve ever had a conversation? Like in real life?
Theo swallowed. He wasn’t sure the best way to respond– he shouldn’t let her know that he already knew who she was, right? That he knew for a fact they’d never had a conversation? He was worried about coming off dodgy, but he also wanted to be honest with Granger.
Honestly? I don’t think so. Like I said before, I’m not very good at putting myself out there. I’ve been described as “painfully shy,” unfortunately. I wish I could say yes, though.
Have I mentioned how sweet I think you are? How long do you think we can keep up this pen pal thing before we cave and just agree to meet each other before the end of term?
Fuck, Theo thought. He’d been afraid of this– of Granger asking him to drop the Mystery charade, grow a pair, and come meet her face-to-face. He genuinely didn’t think he’d be able to do it. Gods, he hated himself sometimes. Why couldn’t he be more like his friends, so self-assured and confident the way Blaise was? Even Draco knew how to talk with girls, despite being only a little more experienced than Theo. How was he supposed to sweep Granger off her feet when he’d barely even kissed a girl, aside from a sloppy kiss from Pansy during a hazy night of Truth or Drink? Theo knew if Granger were to approach him right now, he would absolutely do something mortifying– probably turn into a stuttering mess, say something ridiculously stupid, or find some other creative way to bollocks it all up. Drawing in a deep breath and taking another swig of his Firewhiskey, he summoned all of his courage (which was not very much, he thought with chagrin) and decided to be as honest as possible in his response.
I really wish I could tell you we could just meet up right now and make a real go of this. But I’m fucking terrified, Wildcard. I am so out of my depth here. I want to be smooth and charming, but I truly don’t know how. You make me incredibly nervous, and knowing myself, if I met you face-to-face, I would make an absolute arse of myself. Please don’t hate me for saying that, because it’s not that I don’t want to meet you. I really, really do– I just don’t know if I’m quite ready.
Theo braced himself for her rejection, reassuring himself that he’d lived without her for seven years, so what difference would it make if he had to do it now? He was sure she’d take it as a slight, although he had tried his best to reassure her that it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. When he looked back at her table, he saw her getting up to leave, Potter and Weasley in tow. So she wouldn’t see his message until she got back to school, Theo thought. It quelled his anxiety slightly that she wouldn’t be in the same room as him when she realized what a fucking coward he was. Roughly thirty minutes later, Theo saw his notebook begin to glow and his stomach dropped as he opened it, mentally preparing himself.
I could never hate you, Mystery! In fact, I think I just started to like you even more than I already did, if that were possible. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you before. You are incredibly sweet and endearing. You know most boys would be eager to be done with this part so they could get in my pants, right? (Not that I have boys lining up to get in my pants, obviously). I think you're really special. And I like what we have going.
Of course we can wait. Please don’t worry about being smooth and charming with me (although I think you are underestimating yourself, it’s not your average boy who I’d start to fancy under these circumstances). And besides, I possess neither of those traits myself. I’m more than happy to continue getting to know you on paper– honestly, it makes things a bit more fun, wouldn’t you say?
Granger was even more incredible than Theo had imagined– more kind, more understanding, more reassuring. She was simply incredible, and he was still shocked at the way she had accepted his hesitation and calmed his worries. As he walked with his friends back to school, cutting it much too close to curfew for his liking, Theo felt like he was on cloud nine. He honestly couldn’t remember feeling this happy once in his life. For the first time he could remember, he couldn’t hear his father’s voice in his head reminding him that he was worthless, that he was nothing. Instead, he felt something like contentment.
The feeling lingered as he stood in the shower, the warm water running over his shoulders, the temperature cooler than usual. He wasn’t sure why, but he’d always relished in the feeling of the scalding water– it reminded him that he was human, that he was capable of feeling things. Tonight, though, he didn’t need the reminder. He expected to return to his normal state any moment now– to be filled with the overwhelming sense of hopelessness and self-doubt he’d grown so accustomed to. To his surprise, it didn’t return, even as he laid in the dark alone. This is when he was normally overcome with dread, when his father’s voice sounded the loudest. Tonight, though, Theo didn’t succumb to the panic as he usually did. Instead, he thought of beautiful brown eyes, of the smattering of freckles across her nose, of her small smile as she read the words he’d written to her. The smile he had brought to her face.
For the first time in recent memory, Theo drifted off to sleep feeling unburdened and warm. As he felt his eyelids grow heavy, the last thing he recalled thinking was that Hermione Granger liked him, really liked him, and she didn’t care that he wasn’t self-assured or bold. Theo had never considered himself lucky or fortunate, but perhaps that was starting to change.