Four
They're sitting at a coffee table in one of those places that serve breakfast. It's a good table, by the window, but they only ordered coffee and the waitress looked at them with annoyance. It's still early and Sirius has all day in front of him. In any other case, he'd be up in an hour and head straight to James's house. But James is gone now, hidden, Sirius his only link to the world. He can still visit, but they agreed to reserve that only for emergencies. The word will go out soon, that the Potters went into hiding and then everyone will turn their attention to him.
His self-proclaimed protector sits across from him, absentmindedly stirring his spoon, looking outside. There is a pattern in the circle he makes: three to the left, a pause, two to the right, as if he's stirring a potion only he knows.
"Where will you stay?" Sirius asks. He needs to speak, this silence has dragged for too long.
Snape stops his movement. Never answers. He hasn't said a word after they left that house. He pushed his magic to the limits, Sirius could almost taste it in the air, for the wards he placed for Lily's sister to hold, to last. Maybe he's exhausted.
"You told Lily you had a place." Sirius says again.
"I imagine my father will die soon, now that he has no one to take care of him." His gaze is still outside. "So I will return there. After."
"And before that?" The casualty in which he speaks of the inevitable death of his father is disturbing. It sits along with that unspeakable's woman comment.
Snape turns to him.
"What do you want, Black?" A move of his spoon, two to the left, too quickly and then he abandons it inside the mug. "Say whatever you want to say, so we can get over it."
Sirius stays silent. It's a mistake, because Snape views it as a weakness, a space for him to attack.
"Did you find Tuney lovely? Maybe she is your lost soulmate. You would have been great together. Sitting on your couch, thinking about all the insults you would say to me. Pity she's married. Not that's a reason to stop you. In fact, you can go back and fix her kitchen, while you're discussing my dreadful existence. You can start with something like have you seen his hair, that is your favourite after all, my oily hair, even though they hadn't been since school, so maybe you should step up your game and find something else. An insult lands better when it has foundation."
His tone never changes, he never raises his voice, but there is a vein at the left side of his neck, blue and angry in contrast with the paleness of his skin.
"Or you could.." He starts again.
"My parents never beat us." Sirius interrupts him and Snape swallows. His eyes are split. He will kill Sirius even here, even in this muggle diner, witnesses all around.
"They found new creative ways to torment us." Sirius continues. "Except once. Reg had said something, I don't even remember what it was, but my mother had found it so offensive that she hit him. Right here on his cheek." He touches his own. A tap. "My brother was so confused, he didn't expect it. And I just stood there, watching as she hit him again. It didn't take much for his skin to turn red. Reg was so shocked that he didn't even cry. Not then at least."
Snape scoffs. "If this is an attempt to..."
"I remember I started screaming at some point. I was saying whatever ridiculous thing that came to mind, enough to turn her attention on me. But no, she was focused on Reg. It was a punishment to us both. She knew I preferred to be beaten instead of him. That if she turned to me, I would have won." He takes out his pack, lights up a cigarette. "So I took off all my clothes and I ran outside. We never used the front door, it was beneath us." He takes a drag, lets it out. "I was eight, that was the best I could think of, so I opened the door before anyone caught me, and I started yelling at the top of my lungs Sirius Black lives in Grimmauld. By then, before I could reveal my house's existence to all the Muggles in the area, I was stunned and dragged inside." He taps a nail on the table and sees the ripples in the coffee. "They never hit us again. It caused another fun, family activity though. They started to beat our favourite elves, if we misbehaved."
He doesn't look at Snape, not at first. He doesn't know why he's saying this, perhaps to explain why he destroyed Tuney's kitchen, after her mocking of beating. He will never forget Reg's face, his helpless expression. He will never forget the guilt as the elves endured the beating instead of them. Instead of him, because Reg always acted perfectly from then on.
He raises his gaze only after the silence stretches out. Snape is looking at him, and then as if he is caught, he turns his attention elsewhere.
"Is there a point in your story, Black?" He asks impassively, like Sirius hasn't exposed his heart out. Like he hasn't said something, not even James knows.
Sirius hits his palm on the table. The few people there turn at the noise. His mug shakes and spills the coffee at the table, at himself. There is a dark spot on his jeans.
"Shit." He says and then. "Shit. Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck the war. Fuck everything."
"Is there anything that you need?" The waitress comes and her tone is polite, if strained.
"No, thank you. We are leaving." Snape says and he leaves Muggle money at the table.
He catches his arm, pulls him, but Sirius resists. Snape insists though and he drags him outside.
"You're causing a scene." He says. "Behave."
"Fuck you." Sirius yells. "I can't believe I'm stuck with you. I should have stayed on James's side. Fuck." He breathes, yet it doesn't feel like breathing at all. It feels shallow, then erratic, shallow again. He digs his nails into Snape's arm, at his wrist, to feel something, to grab onto anything. He will make him bleed, he knows and he can't stop. He will make him bleed, like his mother did to Reg, like Snape's father did and, great, that's a perfect thought to have right now.
"Stop." Snape tells him, and he wants to say that he can't. He can't.
A hand presses against his face, strong, unmoving. Pressure from five fingers: one on his cheek, four at the back of his head.
"You're having a panic attack. Stop thinking." Snape repeats. He holds his head still, close to his. A breath he chases with his own, matching it. Then a shaken laugh. Another. Until it steadies.
"Busy morning." He tells Snape. He hasn't let go of his wrist.
James would have laughed. The pressure is gone, released, forgotten. Snape doesn't laugh. He doesn't do anything, but stares at him.
Then his hand moves from Sirius face, retreats, away and Sirius releases the hand he's holding.
Snape looks around, shoves him into the alley behind the diner.
"Scourgify." He says before Sirius can tell anything.
The magic hits him, warm and isn't that truly hilarious?
The spot on his pants disappears.
"Let's go. We've made our presence known enough." Snape commands, grabbing his wrist, forcing him to follow the apparition.
_____
Sirius looks around. There is a bed. A toilet. Cracked walls and a scratched floor. A room so small it feels claustrophobic. A cell.
"Where are we?"
"In a room I hire." Snape answers and he bends. Removes a piece of the floor. He takes a vial and he gives it to him. "Two sips. No more." He says.
Sirius just looks at him.
"Take it, Black. If I planned on killing you, I would have done it by now."
"Maybe, tell me what the fuck it is, words you know, instead of orders." He still takes it though.
"You are incapable of operating if I don't specifically order you how." A sigh, that's too sharp to be considered one. "Calming Draught." He explains, waiting impatiently for Sirius to drink. Then snatches it back and puts it in his secret cabinet under the floor.
Sirius feels his muscles relaxing, the banging of his thoughts quieting down. He would have drunk the whole vial if he could.
"Have you gotten a whole apothecary in there?" It's easier now, the speaking, the light taunting.
"Almost." Snape replies.
"Seriously."
"You can thank me Black and be on your way. I don't need to remind you to lay low." He stands just above the cabinet. Protective, though he wants to seem passive.
"I thought you lost your job." Serious takes a look around, then at him. "And ingredients for potions need money." He tries for threatening, but with Snape it doesn't matter.
"Ask me." A cross of his arms. "Go ahead." A raise of his eyebrow. "Or are you afraid of the answer?"
This man drives him mad. It's a coin thrown in the air, every interaction, every move, every word.
A challenge, every noise he makes, every silence. A potion to calm him, then a mockery. A vulnerability, a breath, another attack.
"Where do you find the money?"
"Excellent." Snape says. "Not so cowardice anymore. Perhaps some time away from Potter will be good for you."
He doesn't know if it's the temporary calmness, or the time they had spent in close proximity. But he recognises the pattern. Different than his own, yet too similar, too close. Snape attacks as soon as he does anything decent.
"Perhaps." Sirius says and he takes a step forward. Snape caresses his wrist. He doesn't do it on purpose, he rarely registers it, but Sirius halts. He had dug his nails into that skin and Snape never flinched, never stopped him. A wave of exhaustion hits him.
"Have you..?" He says. "Are you...?" A rhythmic move on his foot. He must seem nervous.
"Anytime now." Snape says.
"I hurt you." There. No apology. A recognition. Half a step.
"It wouldn't be the first time. But yes, excellent observation skills."
"You always returned everything back. You always do." Sirius says, he defends of a time when things were simpler. Where he was right.
"Except for the time you decided to kill me. I still owe you that."
"I wouldn't have.." Sirius swallows. That was a dark period. The first time he lost James from the moment he found him. The first time he realised what he was capable of.
"Did you laugh when you thought that Lupin would spilt me open? Did you find it funny? After all, what difference does it make?" Snape shakes his head. "You seem to think that somehow, because you heard of a few things, you saw even less, that you understand. You don't. So don't try. Focus on staying alive. Your survival means Lily's and Potter's spawn too. That is all."
"They are counting on us." Sirius says. Because yes, fuck, he almost killed him and his biggest concern was for James to forgive him. "We should try and.."
"You are mistaken. I operate alone. I protect you, because I have to, I tolerate your unbearable presence, because that is what my plan dictates. Because you wouldn't survive alone."
"I fucking fight longer than you and just because..."
"I brew potions secretly in the closed lab of my former boss. I go in and out and until now, nobody suspects a thing. I sell some to the owner of this dreadful place, so he lets me stay for free. It's certainly for nefarious reasons, but as far as I'm concerned not so bad for me to stop. I frequently go to Knockturn under a disguise and I sit and drink with the lowest of scums in the fair chance I will get decent information. I have a cabinet full of necessities for or when it's time for me to leave. Do you understand Black? I operate alone. I do whatever it's necessary."
A strand of his hair is on his face. He's right. They are well washed. Not greasy or oily.
"Did you lose your interest or it's perhaps too uncomfortable to hear the...?" Snape says.
"I'm listening." Sirius interrupts him. "You don't care if I live or die. That's the gesture of it."
"Exactly." Clipped tone, yet he's furious. "And even if you do manage to die, I will find another way to protect Lily."
"Great." Sirius says and it infuriates Snape even more. "Just a quick question though. Since you are above any and every human interaction, why the fuck did you get me here? Why did you give me the potion?"
There's a sound, a crack, a presence in the room. Sirius has drawn his wand.
There's an elf in the room. A familiar one.
"Kreacher?"
His eyes narrow, his mouth curls in disgust.
"The traitorous boy." He says. "Always breaking my master's heart with his foul blood company. Kreacher prefers to never see him again."
"What are you doing here?"
"Kreacher doesn't answer to disowned treacherous sons who drag the ancient family name of the house of Black to mud. Kreacher has no reason to speak to..."
"Speak. Now." Sirius tells him. He hates Kreacher. The feeling is mutual.
"Master Regulus sent Kreacher with a message."
"Reg send me a message?" It's suspicious. Or devastating.
"Kreacher has no message for Sirius Black." He turns to Snape. "Kreacher has something to ask Severus Snape."
Sirius turns to Snape to demand explanations. But the man has his hand inside his sleeve, a barely there gesture. Yet, he has fight with him enough to know that's where his wand is. His whole focus is on the elf. He didn't expect him, he finds Kreacher a threat.
"How did you find this place?" He asks, instead of answering the question. Kreacher probably won't reply, or he will say something nasty -the elf is almost more Black than him.
"Kreacher followed master Regulus' instructions. Kreacher went to the shop Severus Snape is working, but nobody is there. Kreacher waits for Severus Snape to appear. He waits and he waits. Then he comes and he follows him. But he goes to places that Kreacher can't go and Kreacher is afraid that he will fail his master, so he waits again and he finds a place that he can follow. But Severus Snape is never alone, he has Sirius Black with him. Kreacher waits again. But master said for Kreacher to hurry, so here he is."
"Did Reg send you here to kill him?" Sirius asks. He can't picture it. Even when his brother has openly supported Voldemort, even when he spoke of the same nonsense as their parents.
"Kreacher has a question for Severus Snape." The elf ignores him. Yet, as Sirius is looking at him, he seems nervous, afraid.
"Go on." Snape replies. His hand is still inside his sleeve. He is ready to kill Kreacher. With all his planning and preparations, all his paranoia, someone managed to track him down.
"Master Regulus asks, You once said that some fights need tactic, that one shouldn't fight alone. Do you still believe that. Severus Snape has to answer now." The elf is shaking.
"Kreacher, what's going on?" He knows Kreacher all of his life. He is never shaken, he seems to be never afraid. He reminds him of Snape. Bitter, grumpy and unbreakable.
He looks to his side. Snape focus is still on Kreacher. A slight frown has managed to form. He is thinking. Searching in that complicated mind of his for the right answer, the right route.
"Yes." He finally says.
"Kreacher is pleased with the answer."
There is a crack and Kreacher is gone.
"You are so full of bullshit." Sirius tells him as soon as they are alone. "All your I operate alone, is full of crap."
Snape is moving. He puts vials inside a bag.
"Black, we have to go. Now. This place is compromised. Make yourself useful and gather my things."
Sirius bends, momentarily shocked by the number of potions Snape has hidden.
"You should say no." He puts everything inside pockets and Snape's bag. "Severus Snape works alone, he doesn't need anyone. I think that was the gist of your lecture earlier." Sirius mocks him.
"I wanted him out, Black. To buy us time." He gets up, rips off the mattress with precision and takes whatever he's hiding there, Sirius can't tell what it is. "Engaging in conversation wasn't a priority. Whatever your brother wants, I won't stay here to find out."
What Reg wants...But Snape is right. They should go. He can't afford to think about Reg now. Not here. Not when James is hiding from the same people his brother serves.
Would you have forgiven him? Snape had asked and Sirius had brushed him off. He had hidden again, as much as he is doing now.
"It makes you wonder though -what's the truth? What you said to me, or your reply to Kreacher." Above him, Snape stands, tall, unreadable.
"Lily has Potter. Potter has you. And as my rotten luck has it, you have me. I work alone, Black, I always work alone, because I can shield you and Potter and Lily. I will do it. Because I have to. Because that's how it always was and that is how, it will always be."
Sirius stares at him. He swallows, but his throat is dry. He believes him. Severus Snape will stand alone against enemies, against the world, against death itself until it breaks him. Even after that. He has seen it. Alone, with only Lily as an anchor. For a time, not even her. Alone in a castle that hated him. He never cried, never bent, never turned away. He stood against everyone, it didn't matter if he was wrong or right. A black figure with loneliness as his shield, as his weapon.
There is a crack and Sirius is on his feet, his wand in hand, Snape behind his back.
Reg is standing in front of him.
He has grown, even if he still is shorter than him. His black curls, a physical trait they both share, are longer, past his shoulders now. Properly taken care of, shiny. Black robes, falling down his body, too large, too foreign for his small figure.
He looks at Sirius for a moment -just one- before his eyes move past him, to the person Sirius's body conceals.
"Hello, Severus." He says, a slight fall of his head, almost a bow. "Would you please lower your wand? I mean no harm."
Sirius turns and there just above his shoulder, pale fingers around a black wand. Sirius holds his loosely at his side. Reg could have killed him -injure him more likely -because Snape has his wand focused, a strong grip against the unexpected.
Regulus opens his palms, turns them upside down. A gesture to show that he doesn't plan to attack.
"Kreacher thinks that master Regulus doesn't need to explain himself. He thinks that the traitor and the half-blood should bow at the master's presence."
"Enough, Kreacher." His brother says and the elf falls to the floor. He displeased his master. Yet Regulus' voice is soft. It always was, especially to Kreacher.
"What do you want?" Snape asks and it's sharp. He doesn't hesitate, doesn't back down.
"I'm following your advice." He replies. "I'm looking for an ally." Reg face seems honest, tired, determined.
"You are either too arrogant, thinking you can fool me, or too stupid, seeking my trust." Snape states.
"I am neither." A sad smile. Hidden. "I want the Dark Lord to fall." It scares him, even as he says it. Sirius doesn't know how has Regulus survived for so long.
"And may I ask for the cause of your change?"
"Why did you deflect?" Regulus asks.
"I was never loyal to begin with." Snape's voice has a hint of mockery.
"Perhaps not now, but back at school, you were a sympathizer." Regulus retorts back. "Until you weren't. My reason of change is something similar to yours."
"I doubt it."
Reg looks at Kreacher. He gives him his hand, so he can rise.
"I know of a secret the Dark Lord has. One that nobody knows." He still looks at the elf. "But I think, I can't take him down alone." His thumb brushes Kreacher's hand. "We all have something that we are loyal to. A line that shouldn't be crossed."
"Kreacher thinks that master Regulus shouldn't..."
"It's alright. Severus will help."
A scoff.
"If you're really here thinking I will help you somehow, you are a fool. You haven't changed. You walked in here, because I answered a question to your elf? You're naive and weak. Your Lord and his Death Eaters will consume you."
"Perhaps." Reg is calm. Calmer than before. "But you will still help me."
"I don't know what caused this foolish belief, but I don't do charity. You regretted your decision, for whatever reason and you should find a way on your own. I lied when I said that. I lied when I told you you shouldn't fight alone, because it was convenient for me. I was buying time to flee."
It's as if he's answering both to Reg and to him. Sirius watches the flick of his wrist, the veins inside, the threat.
"I know what you did for Narcissa." Regulus titls his head a little, Snape takes a step back. He is mad. "She didn't tell me." He adds. "When you are naive and simple, you learn things."
"What you did for Narcissa?" Sirius asks and Snape looks at him with equal annoyance and disbelief.
"Not now." He says.
"It must be hard, having allies like this." A side glance at him, an indication, then his eyes are on Snape again.
"At least I am not marked by a madman." Sirius yells.
"No. You are the madman." Regulus replies simply.
"Can you still say that, now that you're here begging for our help?"
"His help." Reg's finger point at Snape. "Not yours."
"Didn't you hear?" A laugh, cruel, satisfying. "We're glued together now." Sirius shows him his teeth -it's not a smile.
"Ah." Reg replies. "And how does it feel? For your life to depend on the person you so viciously taunted?" A straighten of his back. "Has it kill you yet? Has it turned you insane?"
"At least I knew how to choose the right side." Sirius feels his hands trembling, his anger at the tip of his nails.
"And where did it get you?" A raise of his jaw. "From Potter to here. Someone to look after your messes."
Sirius jolts forward, but Snape's grip stops him.
"Enough." He says. "I want the information and I will judge if whatever you're saying is worth it."
"You can't be that stupid." Sirius turns on him. "It sure is a trap. You have a target on your back bigger than mine for now. Do you think that he woke one day and he thought that all the crap our parents said were wrong?"
"I didn't say that, if you'd cared to listen for once." Reg's voice is high, but neither of them spare him a glance.
Snape looks only at him. A silent command.
"Fine." Sirius replies to his stare.
_____
"Did you understand what Reg was saying?" Black asks, his voice carrying through the wind.
"Yes."
"And does it make any sense?"
They are walking, a little breathless, unsure how much of their magic they should use or if there are any triggers.
"Yes."
Severus feels sweat under his clothes despite the cold.
"And how did you know...?"
Severus stops.
"Can you stop talking for a minute?"
"In my experience, the best ideas come through discussion." Black catches up to him.
"And in my experience, you have not come to any idea which I would refer to as the best."
He's tired. They're probably walking to a trap. To eventual doom. And the only reason he's here, in the cold, wet shores, is that if what Regulus Black implied is remotely true, it's worse than walking to an ambush.
"Do you trust him? My brother?"
"Have I given you the impression that I trust anyone?"
"You trust Lily." A pause, before they fall into step.
Severus stays silent.
"You do trust Lily, right?" Black's question comes lower, quieter as if he can't believe he's asking it.
"No. I risk my life for the fun of it."
They are getting closer now, they would have to use magic. Black -the younger one- was kind enough to inform them, but not to lend them his elf.
"So what did you do for Narcissa?"
"For Merlin's sake." Severus speaks louder, loud enough for his voice to reach above the waves. "Do you want to discuss it here? Now?"
Black smiles. Smirks. Whatever it is he's doing when he tries to be annoying.
"Eventual death and all. I'm curious."
"Nothing that concerns you." Severus replies.
"We are walking to a fucking death trap, because you decided it was worth it. My brother is probably laughing his ass off and Kreacher is smiling for the first time in centuries. I think I deserve to know."
"Deserve?" Severus raises an eyebrow.
"I left the decision to you." Black's voice matches his own. "As a gesture of..." He moves his palm.
"And you want, what? A reward? Congratulations for being sensible for once?"
"I want you to take half a fucking step. Meet me in the middle, somehow."
Severus ignores him. He keeps walking.
"On the off chance that Reg is honest..." Black says a step away. "He trusts you."
"Good. It means he knows how to recognise his best interest."
Black sighs.
"You're so full of yourself." It's quieter, with a hint of a laugh. Severus turns around and Black shakes his head, looking down.
He's sensing the attention, raises his eyes. "Must be nice." He says.
"The best." Severus mocks him. He can't handle whatever turmoil Black's empty head produces. As if he can't function properly if he's away from Potter.
"We're never going to agree, right?" Black looks down again, a sad smile that passes quickly. "At least there's a constant in that. Despite everything."
They walk at the edge of the cliff. Dark moody skies above them. He feels water on his skin, he doesn't know if it's rain or the black waters that crash on the rocks.
"Focus." He tells Black and they apparate.
_____
"It's definitely a trap." Sirius says. They are outside still and the ominous of the setting is already making him alert, nervous.
"We'll see." Snape replies evenly. Yet his eyes are focused, a single line between his brows.
He moves his robes to the side, a single knife rests on the left of his waist. He takes it out and he cuts his pointer. A touch to the wall, as Reg had said and they move inside.
"Your brother seems honest, so far." He says as Sirius looks at the red line left behind.
"You don't like it." He responds.
"No. I would prefer if he wasn't."
It's the truth, what he's saying. Snape -as far as anyone can tell with his minimal expressions -is troubled. Scared even.
"This place reeks of Dark Magic. That's never good." Sirius tries for a delightful tone, but his voice carries inside the silence of the cave. He can't see past his nose, expect for the pale green light that emanates from somewhere.
"Lumos." He says. Even the light of his wand, usually bright, too bright for dormitories past midnight, for corridors past curfew, seems weaker here. As if the darkness around doesn't get scared from the light, it bites back and consumes it.
Snape moves his hand closer to his. As if the combined effort of their wands would produce a better result.
"Let's find the boat." The line on his forehead still present.
They do after a while. The lake is still, unmoving, as Snape carefully moves the rope.
His movements are delicate, deliberate, precise. It's how he stirs his potions -a lesson Sirius never learnt- it's how he talks to Lily, how he hugs Harry.
"We will have to separate for now." He whispers. It compels you to whisper -the atmosphere, the place.
"What? Why?" Sirius moves, a rock almost drops to the lake.
Snape presses his lips.
"What your brother failed to mention is that the boat is charmed to carry one adult wizard. And despite your brain, you are considered an adult wizard."
Sirius snorts. It's so surreal that despite everything, even here in a cave ready to devour them, Snape doesn't fail to make fun of him.
"Do you find it funny?" He asks, in an angry whisper this time.
"Kinda." Sirius tells him and Snape shakes his head with disapproval.
"I will go first." He says. "See for myself if your brother is right in his assumptions."
"And if he is?"
"I will think of something."
"I'm not incapable, you know. I can help."
Snape looks at him, he seems to disagree.
"And the whole point of us coming together is to increase our survival." Sirius adds.
"We are here together, because I am forced to watch over you. If your brother managed to track me down, I'm sure finding you would be a breeze."
"You are insufferable." Sirius tells him. It lands off, with his voice so low. "And let me surprise you, because I have a way for the both of us to go there together." He smirks.
"Really?" A mock. "I didn't know you processed power to overcome his. Don't just stand here, go and kill him."
"I would very much like to kill you right now."
Snape is amused. His mouth moves slightly up.
"Try." He says, and that lands off too. It comes as a challenge, but the dark eats the bite of it, it rips off Sirius usual anger. It leaves him with something raw, a tension unnamed.
"Since I am the only reasonable person here." He starts, a beat too late. He wants to leave this place. It messes with him. "I will tell you exactly how we are going to do it."
"By all means." Snape still has that expression. Sirius wants to...Punch it, maybe. Do something.
"I'm an animagus." He says. A secret carefully hidden, out in the open. A secret only his most trusted know. "So I guess that if I transform, we could bypass the charm. Reg might not mentioned it, because he didn't realised it. Maybe Kreacher is not considered a second person." Snape's silence gets to him. "I don't know if it will work, but I guess we won't know until we try, right?" Maybe he's wrong. Maybe it's too simple for it to work. Snape is still looking.
"It's a solid thought." He says at last. Too surprised. Too baffled. It's a win. When he sees James again, he will tell him that he was able to leave Snape speechless.
"I'm impressed." He adds -a raised eyebrow- because he is a little piece of shit.
"That's all you have to say?" Sirius moves his hands, the light lands on Snape's face, forcing him to close his eyes.
"I will report you, when the war is over." He says seriously and it takes a moment for the sarcasm to hit. Lily always said that she found him funny. He's not funny, he's... Unbelievable, an ever going suffering.
Sirius takes a step back.
When he opens his eyes again, all lightness evaporates. It was, like a momentary stop to a long climbing at a hostile mountain.
"Do it." He says. "Let's get this over with."
_____
It works. A victory. A boost of confidence that carries them across the surface of the lake. Snape keeps looking ahead throughout the ride, a blink is the most he offers in response to his transformation. It makes one wonder.
He changes back, as soon as they arrive. It was suffocating, the smell of death banged from his nose to each of his teeth, it dried his mouth, the feel of Snape's magic, the anchor on the tip of his wand, the only reason he didn't bite his skin off.
Snape had moved already when he joins him. He thinks of saying something, a joke about an island perfect for vacation, but Snape speaks first.
"He was right." He says. "Your brother." His face seems paler as the green light hits it. "He was right."
Sirius isn't sure what terrifies him the most -the Dark artifact that almost blackens his soul or Snape's defeated voice.
"Can you explain now? Reg was implying..." Sirius asks, sure he will be met with frustration.
Snape turns to him.
"There is a book on the Restricted part of the library at Hogwarts." He says, a clipped tone, a grab of sanity. "There are things written in it, that should never be discovered, documented. They are abominations."
"And you know, how exactly?" Sirius tries to get him going.
"I read it in fifth year." Snape says. "I was searching for a way to get back to you." He seems angry, but with himself. "It doesn't matter. It vanished after a while. I was relieved."
"And?" Sirius prompts, trying to push Snape to explain further.
"Your brother implied that Voldemort is seeking immortality. He implied that he found a way to achieve it. I imagine he combined his elf's testimony, with the knowledge he has for the Dark Arts."
Sirius scoffs. He can't help himself.
"A knowledge, I too possess. I know what this basin contains."
"What?" Sirius asks.
"A piece of Voldemort's soul. A surefire way to be imperishable."
"What?" He repeats, his mind can't keep up. "How is that possible?"
"Do you want me to explain the logistics to you now?" Snape looks around. "We have to take it. We have to destroy it."
Sirius agrees. He nods. He isn't sure, he actually forms the words.
"It is protected. Like Black said. Like the elf told him."
"The liquid."
"Yes." Snape straightens his back, his full height almost matching to Sirius. "I will drink it."
"I will drink it." He points his chest.
"Black, now it's not the time for your usual heroics."
"But it's the perfect time for your superiority complex."
"I assure you, I always operate with logic in mind. Unlike you, who acts before any of your brain cells explode from thinking."
"Snape, I swear, I will kill you before a Death Eater has any chance. Why would you think you are the best choice? Except of course, because you are so full of yourself."
"Because I know what I can endure." Snape answers simply. "And this." He points at the basin. "I can endure it."
Sirius can argue more. He can argue endlessly. But nothing comes out in the face of Snape's certainty.
"Now." Snape says. "Do try and be careful. I imagine there are more traps here."
Sirius doesn't get to respond, because Snape is already on the basin, the first sip falling down his throat.
He stands at his side, watches him, then behind him. The lake, the darkness, the eerie silence. The dangers that lurk in the shadows.
When he turns his attention to the man again, Snape's hand is gripping the metal. His knuckles are white, his veins blue, distinctive. His head falls forward, his hair loose to the side, hiding his face.
He takes one more sip. And then it happens. A cry escapes him, a noise he tries to hide, a sound that shakes Sirius chest, as if in response. He moves his hand, an inch away from Snape's arm.
"Don't touch me." He speaks as his body shakes with every breath. He grabs the metal tighter. Sirius thinks that he might break it.
Another sip from a cup so small, it's torture.
"Don't touch me." He says again and it's not cutting like before. It's pleading. "Don't touch me." He turns and Sirius looks at his face for the first time. "Please." He says and then again. "Please."
The only other time, he had heard Snape pleading, was when he heard the name Lily and James had decided for their child. It was strange then, it's worse now. Sirius had asked for half step, for a meeting in the middle. He doesn't want it now. This exposure.
"Hey, hey. We can stop. We don't have to..."
Snape closes his eyes. Bites his lips. As if he's trying to come back to himself.
"It's fine." His voice is hoarse. "I'm fine. My mind was confused for a moment. Don't let me stop."
"How can I push you to..."
He opens his eyes. He focuses on him. He is here now, his usual self, unmoving.
"Don't let me stop." He commands. He looks the half empty green liquid, the locker Reg's has spoken of, at the bottom. "The worse is over."
Except it's not. Except it's excruciating, every sip he takes. Every cry he lets out. He almost falls and Sirius grabs him.
"I didn't want to call Lily that." He says. "If you let me speak to her, if I could talk to her... I will stay here, all night, tell her, please tell her..." He cries. Fuck, Snape is crying. Sirius thinks he didn't cry when the scene in his mind actually happened. He is sure of it. He would have mocked him relentlessly if he had.
"Don't leave me." He says. "I have no one else."
"Lily didn't leave you. Remember? We are here, because of Lily and Harry and fuck, you should stop drinking that shit. Stop."
Snape takes a step back, his gaze is unfocused. He blinks, rapidly, he seems younger than his age, helpless.
He takes a step back, he can't go far with Sirius hold on him.
"I told you to..." He passes his fingers through his hair. Straight as they are, they fall back into place. He looks around, he seems as if he's trying to ground himself. To be present.
It works, because he concentrates on his task again. Determined to come through. To finish it. His hand though, pulls Sirius jacket, he grabs onto it.
"I'm thirsty." He says. "Two more."
He bites more than he can chew. He shakes, pushes Sirius away, he falls to the ground. Curls into himself. And he doesn't speak at all. No sound, no more cries. As silent as the cave. Sirius bends his knees, matching his height.
And he lets him. A look, resigned to a fate Sirius doesn't know. Snape stays there, his face behind his knees, his arms around them.
He talks to him, taunts him, a connection that doesn't happen. Snape is out somewhere that Sirius can't reach.
They have to go.
So he gets up and he takes the damn locket. All this fuss for something so small.
"Time to go." He says, but Snape doesn't get up. He doesn't do anything.
He reaches for him again. "Hey, time to go."
"Is it over?" Snape asks, but Sirius isn't sure he is talking to him.
"Yeah, yes."
"I'm thirsty." He looks down. As if the request is meant to be left unanswered. Sirius curls his palm, tries to fill it with water, but his magic fails him. He tries again. Another failure. He could say to Snape to wait until they leave, that is ominous enough that he can't do a simple Aguamenti to work, that his instincts scream to stay away from that lake.
He could, but he has to find a way to snap Snape out of this stillness, to convince him to move.
He could, but Snape asked for one fucking thing and Sirius can't do even that.
So he walks until the water is barely not touching his boots and he kneels and he puts his hands into the water. A little more and his feet are wet, a single splash from a step and he realises they are going to die. Here, in this shitty hole in the ground.
There is a smoke, a cloud that resembles a human, that emerges from the water, another, three until Sirius stops counting. He moves back, fires spells that feel as weak as his magic, until he is standing in front of Snape.
They will die here and no one would know that Voldermort is immortal. That nothing matters, because they can't fucking kill him. They will die and he will find their corpses and he will laugh with their stupidity.
They will die here and the last defence for James will crumble and fall. James will curse him in his last words.
He is screaming, taking down some, but the creatures are so many. They are all around them and he wants to lash out to Snape, to tell him that his arrogance will kill them, that Sirius should be the one that drank that fucking green curse.
He wants to tell him he's sorry.
"Fire." He hears as the world is singled out in white pale faces. "Hit them with fire."
"Another book of yours?" Sirius says and then he screams. "Incendio." Again. He feels the magic in his stomach, in his hands. The pang of it that echoes in his heart. The desperation of now, of yesterday, of the days to come. The hope of it.
He screams, even if he doesn't need to. His magic always works better when he doesn't try to control it. Unleashed, untamed as it hits his enemies.
He holds his wand up and forward, while his left hand reaches back blindly. They had to get out.
He feels the grip, the response.
"Can you keep up?" He asks. "I'll have to transform eventually." He fires another spell, thinks of the best solution. They don't have to leave together. "I can stay and kill them, so you can take the boat. It's a threat we don't want to leave behind." He will probably die. As satisfying as death can be.
"I can keep up." Snape replies, cuts through his thoughts.
The number of the pale figures reduces. The fire helps, that he doesn't fight alone helps more. Snape is weaker than usual, less sharp, but he's there.
Before Sirius turns to his animagus form, he looks at Snape, waits. A nod in reply.
He's anxious throughout the travel back. He whines every time a corpse emerges from the lake. But Snape is resilient and they reach the entrance.
He holds his breath until they're out. Until they see the grey sky again and the rain hits them with force.
"My place." Sirius tells him and Snape holds himself up by sheer force of will. He collapses when they reach Sirius's house.