Two
He finds a job in Knockturn Alley. A sketchy little hole in a twist of the road. It's not ideal, but he needs money and a start and he doesn't care if the potions he is brewing are illegal. It gives him space to practice his own theories and it keeps him away from his house.
Lily disapproves of course, but her protests fade away, because Potter had asked her to marry him at the end of the school year.
They live together now, in a house at Diagon because Potter can't help himself.
A waste of money and a constant noise if you ask him. Well, a waste is for the ones that don't have it.
They drift apart slightly, he has his job and a whole journey back and forth to Cokeworth and Lily has a house to prepare and a wedding. She's happy, even in the middle of the upcoming threat, in the gloomy atmosphere that has stuck in the air with no hope of leaving. Severus is aware of the random disappearings, here and in his other world, he is aware of the whispers, of people showing marks in the colour of the void. He has heard Lily speaking of resistance, of fighting back. He doesn't participate. In neither side.
To her credit, she constantly invites him, it's ten minutes from here, fifteen if he drags his feet, but he refuses her every time. He won't go to a house where Potter lives, willingly at least.
He works and he moves and he tries to rise above everyone's expectations of him, but for now the only thing that he has managed is to wear robes that aren't torn, to spend some galleons in hygiene products. It's sad and pathetic, but the first time he looked at his reflection in a fleeting glance, he felt something close to accomplishment. To be able to bathe in cold water with just enough shampoo.
He gets to eat, two meals a day, so perhaps it's worth it. Coffee in the morning, a privilege.
It's there, behind the counter, that Lucius finds him. He has grown more now -a year since they last saw each other -elegant and posh, a man who isn't handsome, but isn't ugly either. It's effortless, the posture, the braid of his blonde hair, the way he speaks.
Severus thinks of the not-Lucius. He still dreams of him from time to time. He is close to forget his voice now, but he remembers the angles of his face, the pleading of his eyes.
"Severus?" Lucius starts and the deliberate raise of his tone is familiar and far away from a man that fell on a platform and disappeared. "What a pleasure surprise." A smile, a move of his hand for a handshake.
Severus stares at him. Lucius with all his money and his old name had never been a threat, no more than others. He is calculating, a man who makes schemes, but he isn't crazy.
"You haven't changed at all." He lets out a laugh, a mockery. Severus can tell him that he changed, that he grew out his height, that his robes aren't thin enough to look inside.
"What do you want?" He asks in the end.
"I have placed an order. I'm here to take it." It's nothing much, what any customer would say. Severus doesn't like it. It feels like a threat.
"Not enough servants at your disposal?" He tells him as he looks down the counter to find whatever illegal potions Lucius has ordered.
He hears a laugh, genuine and short.
"You are wasting your talents." A swift of his tone. Severus doesn't answer. "There is time still, not much, but I can make it work."
"I don't need your help Lucius." Severus spats and the bottles rattle as he place them on the glass between them.
A shy smile. Fake, like his carefree demeanor.
"I know what you can achieve. It's only a matter of time before the world is restored back to its proper place. You have the chance to be on the winning side."
"You like hearing your own voice way too much." He places the bottles inside a box. "Save your speeches for the ones that want to hear them."
"And you don't? What changed?"
He knows what changed, Lucius has the ability to gather the informations he wants with a flick of his fingers.
"Ah. Young love." He says, because even with all the evidence in front of his eyes, he chooses to close them like everyone does. He chooses to believe the gossip, the meaningless words that come out of mouths like Potter's and Black's. He chooses ignorance.
"Here." Severus gives him the box.
"Come to the Mansion someday. I will be glad to host you for some tea." He takes the box, a raise of his chin, pureblood superiority edged in his bones. He would never fit. Neither there, nor in a flat fifteen minutes away. Misplaced since birth.
"Sent my regards to Narcissa." Severus tells him as the man walks to the door.
Lucius turns and his theatrics has disappeared. He knows a threat, when he hears one. Severus can play this game too.
If perhaps there is an inch of honesty in that man, it's the love his has for the youngest Black sister. He hides it, under obligations and traditions, he hides it, but Severus knows. There was a time, a fleeting moment of the past in a corner of a castle that neither of them will go again, that he had watched Lucius cry. There were discussions about another girl between his family. He had heard him speaking of fleeing, striped from vaults and names and grand mansions.
Severus isn't sure he would have done it in the end. But he knows that his love runs deep. It's a liability.
"I will." He says when he remembers that vulnerability should be killed on the spot.
A nod and then he is out.
_____
Severus hates Albus Dumbledore. He hates him with the same ferocity he saves for the likes of Potter and Black. He sees himself as a god, a creature above the rest of them, passing his judgement and his everlasting wisdom to the mere mortals that stand at his feet.
His first mistake was that he caved under Lily's constant pressure. She wanted someone with her, for the preparations, someone whom her parents could talk to without being overwhelmed. And isn't that a joke.
It happened in one of his visits to her house. Lily has a job, money she contributes in that place so Severus refers to it as her house and hers alone.
It's there that he meets Dumbledore, there was a meeting of sorts, people he recognises and some faces new, fresh and old, mixed together.
All of them stop when he comes to sight, a few nods of acknowledgement, strained and reluctant, that he doesn't bother to return.
Ah, the resistance. A pitiful lot, gathering around a kitchen table of a small flat. It has been months now, the war declared with no words.
They rush to leave, Severus is a threat to them. As if there is a point in hiding, as if not everyone knows which side the other rest.
"How is everything, dear Severus?" The man asks casually. "I'm still waiting for a student to fill the void you left behind in Potions class." He continues unbothered. A smooth talker. A presence demanding for attention. Yet, he never lifted a finger when it mattered the most.
"Less oily?" Black provides from behind. It earns him a few snickers.
"Charming." Severus sneers. "Perhaps you will win this war with a few good jokes."
Their faces fall. It helps.
"While that would be delightful and less gruesome reality, I think it will need a little more than that." Dumbledore says. He is smiling softly as if he isn't as dangerous as any other man.
"A little more." Severus scoffs.
Lupin is standing in the large window, looking down the street. "Judging without contributing brings nothing to the table." A fake bravery, he doesn't look him in the eyes.
"You want contribution." Severus makes a step. Black makes another, as if they are on the school yard and he needs to protect his friend.
"You need information. You're operating blindly, without knowing ally from enemy. A misfit band of people. They on the other hand, know what they are doing. Have you seen the missing reports? The places they strike?"
"What do you think? That we're stupid?" Potter chimes in. Lily is still in the kitchen, making coffee. "We have the Aurors on our side."
Pettigrew agrees, backs up the leader. Without offering anything much. He wonders briefly if that's why they keep him, to boost their confidence.
"The Aurors, Potter, are people. They have alliances of their own. And I wasn't talking about the wizard population. Have you kept up with the muggle hits?"
There is silence. They are hopeless. They haven't even thought about it.
"Excellent points, Severus." Dumbledore says. For a moment he had forgotten about him. "If only we had a person on the inside. Someone clever enough to pull this through. Someone who by no means have pledge an alliance just yet."
Severus stares at him. He can't possibly suggesting...He looks away and only then Lupin catches his eye. He thinks, he sees pity, pity and understanding.
"What are you talking about?" Lily steps in and the moment is gone.
It's only a month after, when Lily almost loses an arm at an attack, that Dumbledore approaches him and few days later, he is drinking tea in the Malfoy Mansion.
Some things are set in stone, paths intertwined together by countless actions. Some things will never change by a single act. And yet a single act could change several others.
Severus just doesn't know that.
_____
He is in Lily's house again. He is sitting on the sofa, watching Black trying to decide what music should accompany the fight that's bursting for a while now. He is passing the news, then an old melody -sixties perhaps or older- until he settles on a song with a vibrant rhythm, edgy as he likes to view himself.
"Sirius could you please?" Lily tells him and he lowers the volume.
"Maybe we shouldn't do that now." Potter tells her. "When we are with people around." He means Severus. He is embarrassed that Lily is yelling at him and he is here to watch all of it unfold.
"Don't mind me." He earns three glares.
"Let's go." Black tells him and he almost grabs his arm when it's clear that Severus isn't moving.
"Touch me and I'll kill you." He warns.
"The location is great. I don't know what's gotten into you." Potter tries again and the attention is swifting.
"Maybe you should go and marry yourself there, then." Lily crosses her arms.
"Okay, okay. Let's pick something else. My mom..." He says and Lily groans.
"What, you don't like my mom now?"
"Forget it." She tells him. "I'm going to take a bath. Don't tear down the house." She looks at him. It's offensive.
When Lily is gone, Black raises the volume again. It's absurd, how relaxed he is.
"Don't worry Prongs." He says. They have these idiotic nicknames for each other. Like they are fifteen year old boys and not growing men, a war around them. "She will come around."
"I just don't know what got her so worked up. I mean it's just a location. I would marry her on a barn."
One might found him romantic, if he wasn't so misplaced. Severus decides it's time for him to leave. Otherwise, he will say something and they will end in a fight. He has many things on his mind. Shields he needs to keep constantly up, a decision to make. No-one knows except Dumbledore. Nobody is aware that Severus is ready to be branded, pledge his alliance, his life, if it means Lily will be safe.
There is no excuse anymore. If he hopes to remain a spy, it's the next step. One he has already postpone. Lily will be disappointed, Black will say that he saw it coming. Dumbledore will tell them both something cryptic, enough to leave a space of doubt in case they meet in a battlefield.
"Later." He says and Potter grabs him. He realises his mistake, a step back when Severus glares.
"Sorry." He tells him and it's a surprise. He is sure he has never heard Potter so..
"What do you want?" Because that's it.
He ruffles his hair, a look on his side, his guard dog present.
"Maybe you could talk to her." He forces the words out. He is asking for a favour. "She listens to you for whatever reason.
"I don't think so."
"Great way to be a dick." Black adds. "What are you hoping that you still have a chance?" A laugh. He hates Black's laugh more than anything. It embodiments all the taunting, all the ways that Severus seems less in their eyes. He hates how cruel it is in its delight.
"I am not talking to her, because she is right." Severus addresses Potter. Just for Lily's sake. "You can believe whatever you want for me. Whatever filthy thought you believe that it's crossing my mind. And yet, you would be wrong. As always." Severus walks to the door. The Floo is no longer safe.
"Wait, wait." Potter follows him. Black rolls his eyes. "What do you mean she's right? I get that you would take her side, you would take anyone's side instead of mine really, but..."
"You really are stupid, aren't you?" Severus says. Black cracks his knuckles. A warning. He is only allowed here in this space, when Lily is here. And now she is not.
"Where are you living?" Severus ignores the warning.
"Huh?"
"Diagon Alley. Who are her friends? Your friends." He continues. "Who will come at the wedding?"
Potter is staring at him stupidly.
"All of your relatives, all of your friends, all of your parents' friends. Who will be there for her? Her parents and I. Do you know why? It never crosses your mind that Lily exists in two worlds. She has an aunt that she loves, who she won't be able to invite to her wedding. A cousin that she spent her summers with. None of them will come, at the wedding, at her house, at the school where her child will go. She lives her life, the half of her that exists in this world with you, but her other half is away. Do you know why? Because of the Statue of Secrecy. So in her most important day, you will be surrounded by your people and she will not. Ask yourself then, is she really wrong? You didn't even bother to think of a muggle location." He spits his last words.
"You don't bother Potter, because you are a privileged, spoilt child, like your friends and you wait for the world to wield at your will." He takes a breath. Potter is looking at him frozen.
"Don't listen to him James. He is just jealous." Black reassures him. Always there to boost his ego.
"Yes. Don't listen to me. What do I know? Except for the fact that I do, I know her other life, I've been there with her. As she was with me. Jealous you say. Because that is the only thing your empty brain can produce, that is where your thoughts end. Superficial, Black, as always. Blissful in your ignorance."
He tries to say something, but Severus doesn't stay enough to listen.
_____
They agreed to marry in Lily's town in the end. Potter tries to get his relatives in order, but they are a weird bunch. Their clothes are all over the place, they are surprised by the most mundane things. But Lily is laughing all day and her joy catches on.
As Severus watches her dance, a simple white dress, flowers on her red hair, he cracks a smile. In a few days, he will not be able to see her. In a few days, he will be on the other side, protecting her from the shadows. It's fine, it's fitting. He got to have this moment.
"You did something nice." Black sits on the chair beside him. He says it as if he can't believe it. "They are happy."
"I assure you, Potter's happiness never crosses my mind." Severus takes a sip from his wine.
"Can you be normal for maybe five minutes? I didn't come here to fight. Not today."
Severus glances at him. Black is a little drunk. He likes the Muggle drinks a little too much. He keeps staring at the dancing couple.
"Fine."
"Do you regret it? Helping him?" Black asks.
"It made Lily happy."
"Yeah. But..."
"I don't see Lily like that. I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself." A roll of his eyes. "Besides, she loves someone else, how pointless would it be, if I would? Inefficient."
Black lets a laugh escape his lips. He really is drunk.
"Inefficient." A nod to himself. "Right." He looks ahead again.
Before Severus can ask why Black's eyes are filled with longing, the man turns around. As if he senses it, he speaks first.
"What are you always saying with Dumbledore without us hearing it?"
Severus holds his gaze. He thought he was being subtle.
"Plans. Informations." Severus says. "Nothing that you need to be aware of."
"I was in the Order before you." A grin, lethal as if he's caught him. "Is he testing you?"
It's Severus' turn to smile.
"Are you feeling left out?"
Black leans a little.
"I'm never left out Snivellus. So are you fucking the old man to keep you in the Order?"
Severus makes a noise.
"Crude by your very nature. It always surprises me when I see your brother..." Ah, everyone thinks that Lily is his weakness and yet it's not. It's Black. He can't help being dragged into the mud with him.
He made a mistake. Black is on his feet, his wand out. Severus follows him.
"Put that out of the way." He seethes. "We are at a muggle wedding."
"Fucking traitor." Black is out for blood. "For how long?"
They are gathering unwanted attention. It's late, most of them are drunk, but still. They are fighting and Black has his wand out.
"Follow me. Hide your fucking wand." He can't help it. He doesn't curse, he tries to be proper, a dignity that nobody gave to him. But people are watching.
"So you can kill me Sniv? Now that I know your little secret?"
"What's going on?" Lily is there now and everything is going to hell.
"Black is drunk." He says.
"Sirius, mate, maybe hide your..." Potter tries.
"He is a fucking traitor. He just told me, he meets with my brother. You know what kind of meetings Regulus has."
The wand flat and smooth, a dark brown, is at Severus neck.
"Black." Severus warns.
"Make a move and I will end you right here and now."
A murmur rises.
A hand is on Black's shoulder.
"Sirius, my boy, let's all calm down." Dumbledore is there as if he senses the trouble. Severus thinks that he tries to read their thoughts constantly.
"You must know. That's why you are testing him."
"Testing him?" Dumbledore asks delighted. "Oh, there must have been a misunderstanding." He talks as if nothing is happening, a joke amongst friends. "Let's go inside."
Lily is explaining to the unaware Muggles, something about wine, and maybe a cup of coffee is needed and she is following them inside. The wizarding part of the wedding though is eyeing him suspiciously as Albus is standing between him and Black.
They close the door to Lily's back garden.
"Talk." Black commands. His loyal guard is around him. Lily is standing on Severus' side.
"Sirius." She warns.
"Talk." Black repeats.
Albus sighs. He eyes the room. He deems it satisfying.
"You all know that sacrifices need to be made for the greater good." He begins. "Our friend Remus here is very bravely trying to get the werewolves on our side."
Lupin flinches. He is still ashamed of his nature. Severus is glad.
"What does it have to do with Sev?" Lily asks.
"Ah, Severus is working on something similar."
He will still try to hide it. It's for the best, the logical thing to do. Yet Albus likes his secrets maybe too much.
"On whose authority?" Potter asks.
"Mine." Albus replies and Potter shuts up.
"What does he do exactly?" Black isn't satisfied.
Everyone is on edge. Nobody knows who to trust, who they shouldn't, except only for a selected few. They hear the news of murders, of shops closing, the light fading slowly everyday.
"Can you trust me Sirius?" Albus asks.
"Sorry." A sly smile. "I feel better when I'm not left in the dark. So."
"I want to know too." Lily adds. "Why didn't we know about this?"
"It's safer. For his cover not to blow." A breath. "But I suppose, I can trust the participants."
"His cover?" Pettigrew speaks.
"Yes, Peter my boy. Severus is infiltrating the Death Eaters, posing as one of them."
A gasp. Lily's.
"Posing." Black says. It feels like the start of a curse.
"Yes. Posing and lying, Black. To get you the information that you so desperately needed."
"For how long?" Lily's voice is small.
"It doesn't matter." Severus stops it.
"When will you stop?" She puts her arm on his. "Surely you need to stop soon."
"Why?" Severus tries to be impassive. He knows what she's asking.
"Unless you want to take the Mark." Black speaks and Lily's eyes widen as she watches his face.
"You won't." She tells him.
"I have to." He replies.
"Severus is really brave. He is crucial for our progress. He tries to uncover potential threats, leaks..."
"You won't." Lily says. "You will stop. I don't care about all that. We will find another way."
"We are at war." Severus tells her. "You can't possibly..."
"I'm pregnant."
"Lils..." Potter groans. Perhaps they were planning to announce it later.
Severus stares at her.
"I need my best friend at my side."
_____
Albus Dumbledore's careful plan crumbles under the whims of a Muggle born witch of an insignificant town. It crumbles because their friendship, her insecurities in this tender moment matter more to Severus. It falls down, because Severus has no family name, no money, but for Lily none of that matters. It shatters because Lily's steadiness doesn't make him so unbalanced anymore.
Albus is disappointed, but he doesn't mention it again.
Her pregnancy passes slowly, in the midst of fights, of blind hits, of devastation. They try to be happy, but their little flat is heavy with wards, Severus suffocates wherever he visits. He indicates that they should move, Diagon is no longer safe. Potter agrees, that's the first time it happens.
By the time Lily gives birth, they had moved to Potter's house. It's safer. Meant for a family. They are happy, despite the chaos, despite the fights. The boy, Lily's son, is a chubby little bundle of cries. He has her eyes. Green, clean of any shadows.
He is there, with them, the first time he laughs. Black is there too, always there. Pettigrew a pest, trying to be useful, but failing, joins them. Lupin is rarely present and when he is, there is a hollow look in his eyes. Severus wonders if he would have that look too, if the plan had progressed. He wonders if it would have been worse. He thinks that yes, it would have changed him.
"We thought of a name." Lily sits on the sofa, the child on her lap. He claps, or more he is trying to. "And since we decided on his godfather, we wanted to say it to you."
"Sirius." Potter puts his hand on his shoulder. "Are you ready to be a responsible man?" Potter laughs with Black's surprised expression. As if it was going to be someone else.
"And since you can't answer right away, we thought, you might need a little help." Lily jokes.
Pettigrew seems to stand straighter. Oh, that would be even more destructive for the child.
"Sev." Lily says and he turns his gaze at her.
"No." He answers immediately. He will not be responsible for Potter's clone.
"Told you." Potter is saying.
"Sev." She says and it's a little more demanding.
It has her eyes though, the little monster. Severus shrugs and Lily laughs. It's rare these days.
"So, now that we've agreed on that." A shake of her head, a squeeze of the child in her arms. "We thought of a lot of names."
"A lot." Potter agrees.
"And we finally decided. It's Harry." Lily announces and Severus' world stills.
He takes a step back. He feels like falling. He grabs the wood of the threshold.
"Sev?"
Lily is speaking. Everyone is speaking. But he only hears noise, as if he is underwater and their voices come to him muffled, distorted. He will collapse. He pictures it happening.
Harry will die. Harry will die.
The face of the stranger comes to mind. His tight features.
You don't know him yet.
He feels it, his knees are ready to give up.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Black steadies him. He can't even be mad at the gesture. "It's just a name."
A name that Severus searched for months, for more than that.
"You have to go into hiding." He moves away from Black's hold. "You have to hide."
"You finally lost it." Potter tells him and Severus turns to him.
"He will come for the child. You have to protect them Potter. Please."
And this is what silences the room. Severus pleading.
"You are not making any sense." Potter tries to be unaffected and he's failing.
"How do you know that?" Black asks, distrusting as always. But Severus finds reassurance in that. They need to be distrustful. They need to question everything.
Keep your eyes open.
"I...had a vision." He doesn't know what that was. He doesn't dare to voice his thoughts.
"A vision." Black corners him. "And not, let's say a clue, because of the time you spend with them."
"What kind of vision?" Potter asks. "When?"
"Before the start of the last year at the school." He grounds himself, he raises his mental shields. "That I needed to fix my relationship with Lily, otherwise Harry..." He can't say it. He leaves it hanging in the air.
"That's why you approached me." Lily seems shaken, but Severus can't console her. Not now. "Why didn't you tell me?" And then. "Was that your only reason? If not would you just..?"
"I think we have more pressing matters at hand." Severus responds. He is afraid of thinking the real answer to her question.
"Oh kindly fuck yourself Sev." She has her palms at the boy's ears. The child laughs again.
"What do you mean vision?" It's the first time Pettigrew addresses him directly. "Like an omen?"
He can't say what he thinks that was. He can't speak the words even to himself. The implications of that visit, the burden of it, crushes him. It sits on his stomach, heavy, hard, pulling him down.
Be better this time.
As if there had been another time, that he was not enough. As if there had been another time that he failed them. Lily and the boy.
We haven't thought of anything else.
Why trust him though? If he failed the first time. Severus is an insignificant man. No-one. Why reach out to him of all people? Why not Lily?
"Peter asked you a question." Black is in front of him. "Better start talking."
They all are asking questions that Severus doesn't know the answers. Yet now, it's not the time to be in his head, to reflect. He has to make them understand. He has to keep them safe.
"Like an omen, yes." He speaks, steady, unyielding. He knows how to be as such. He has stood in front of scarier crowds. "Like a... prophecy." He says the words carefully. Prophecies are troubling things, troubling and rare. Severus has read about them and his conclusion was that the most of them were rubbish. Still, they held an importance in the wizarding community. A mystical affair that nobody understands completely. And he thinks it's safer than whatever the real answer truly is.
"What? You are a seer or something?" Black mocks him, nonchalant, ready to brush it off. It's an act. His eyes dart to Potter, to the child.
"A prophecy." Pettigrew speaks.
"We have to tell Dumbledore." Potter moves around. "What exactly did you..?" And after a few steps. "Are you lying?"
"Yes, Potter. I thought the best way to celebrate your choosing of a name was to tell a joke about how my godchild was going to be hunt down by the Dark Lord."
He catches Lily's eyes. She has her arms around the boy, an act of protection.
"Why would he...? I mean, Harry is just..."
"I don't know." Severus says.
"Did he...?" Potter stands by her side. A palm on her shoulder. "Do you know if he...?"
Severus wants to flee. He wants to go and hide in a room to think.
"I believe so."
There is a sound. A cry. Lily gets up, hands the boy to his father and she flees the room. Severus wants to go after her, he wants to take it all back.
"Nice way to be gentle, Sniv." Black turns to him.
"I wasn't trying to be gentle. It won't help them."
"We have to tell Dumbledore." Potter says again. He is pacing the room, with the child on his arms.
"I'll go." Pettigrew offers. He can't offer much more than running errands.
"Thanks mate." Potter squeezes his shoulder and Pettigrew nods, happy to help.
"Maybe Remus should know too." Black addresses Potter. His voice is different, weaker on the edges, as if he has forgotten Severus' presence.
"Yeah." Potter looks around. Trapped in his vast living room. "Yeah."
"Hey." Black puts his hands on the other's arms. "We will get through it. Nothing will happen to Harry."
"You're right." Potter nods.
"I will protect you." Black tells him, his eyes on Potter's face, his fingers pressing against him. "I will. Don't worry." There is a tenderness on his voice, something that Severus is sure he is not supposed to listen.
He moves out of the room, of a scene that speaks volumes.
____
Albus arrives and makes him repeat his story. He asks questions, long pauses between each. Severus is certain that Albus knows there's more to the story than he's letting on. It's unsettling that he doesn't ask.
What he does though, it's proposing of a Fidelius Charm. Severus thinks it's proper, even if it will cut them out of everyone. Even if they will not fight anymore. Two of the strongest soldiers out of the picture. Severus doesn't care, if it means they will stay safe.
Of course, Lily and Potter disagree. When the first shock fades, they come out determined to fight the man that wants to kill their boy. Pettigrew doesn't help, with his worrying of them being left in the dark, without connection to the Order. Without their friends around to help and protect them.
"Are you absolutely stupid? Better hold your tongue if you don't have something valuable to offer to the conversation." Severus stands and Pettigrew shrugs behind Potter.
"Don't talk to him like that." Potter says. "And he is right. We can't stay hidden, while everyone else fights. What we need to do is to be around people we trust and fight back."
"What you need to do, you utter failure of a person is to protect your family."
"What about the other families?" Lily says. "What right do we have to stay hidden, while everyone else risk their lives?"
Severus is ready to snap.
"Sniv's right." Black lights a cigarette.
"The world is coming to an end." Lily says. "You, agreeing with Sev."
"That how dire the situation is." Black winks.
"I don't care about the other families." Severus tells her. "They can decide on their own. Live or die, it's not my responsibility."
"He is a catch, isn't he?" Black points him with a finger. "A proper hero."
"Heroics will only get you killed. You can go and play the hero if you want. You can get a crown for your excellence, when all this is over. I will do what's necessary."
Whatever Severus says, threats, grim prospects, they fall on deaf ears. Black tries at least to persuade them. Lupin isn't here to help. To smooth the rough edges of it all. Potter and Lily are shiny and determined. It will get them killed.
_____
He should have stayed a spy. He should have taken the Mark. He should have done more. They work through scattered information, blind, they try to prevent hits, but never fight back. He moves around with a constant charm to hide his face, he walks into shady places and questionable bars, trying to salvage whatever lead he can find.
The place he works closes. It's his fault, really, he gave the man away to Potter and his Aurors. He has some galleons, hidden, saved for emergencies, yet they will run out eventually. He isn't hungry, he can't be, because Lily keeps him at her house in the pretence of safety, but he knows it's to keep him from falling back again.
He hasn't visited his house in months. He doesn't miss it.
He helps with the child, with the wards, with anything. They never leave the child alone. Always two people present. But since Lily and Potter are still active, the guardians vary.
It's often Pettigrew. He cooks and cleans. A self appointed servant. He is happy to help, he says, he isn't the best in duals, the best for fighting, but Severus fails to see, if he is the best in anything. He doesn't like him. He tells Lily as much. She brushes him off. He's too different from him, he says.
Black is the second candidate. He doesn't know who's worse.
He is never matched with Lupin.
They are all raising the child together. It's messy and unthinkable and it brings a mundane pace in their chaotic lives.
The swift happens gradually. A whole squad of Aurors gets killed. Then a fire breaks that consumes a whole muggle village. He hears of loss and death everyday, but the boy had his first teeths emerging and Severus can't care much about the rest.
Still when Lily comes through the other room, a haunted look on her eyes, Severus freezes.
"What is it?" He asks.
She comes closer. A hand in his.
"Is it Potter? Your parents? What is it?" He tries to be calm.
"I was talking with my dad." She says. "Your mother...She passed away." She hugs him. "She was sick." He doesn't understand. He doesn't need a hug. He doesn't need consolation. He has left that life. That house. Those people.
"Sev?"
"So it's nothing." He moves away from her hug, her love. He doesn't need them. Nothing happened.
"We have missed the funeral." She says. "But she is at..."
"I don't care."
"Don't you want to go?"
"Are you really asking me that?"
She looks down. "I know that..."
"We have our hand full with funerals. More important than..."
"Stop talking." She tells him. "You will say something that you're going to regret."
They don't talk about it again. Yet Severus is a pathetic creature, he hates himself for it, so a week later, he goes. It's unsafe. There is a target on his back, going to his former house is ridiculous.
Black is at the start of the road that leads to his house.
"What are you doing here?" Severus seethes at him.
"Lily's orders." He says. He is smoking a cigarette, his favourite past time, a leather jacket on him, fitting for this place, this neighbourhood.
"You won't come with me. Turn around."
"Sorry Sniv. Lily is scary when she's mad." A drag. An exhale of his smoke. "And I am dying to see where you grew up."
Severus is sure. It will be thrilling for him to see. It will fuel his jokes. It doesn't matter.
"You will be disappointed." Severus tells him.
They walk from there. The road is muddy, yesterday's rain has stopped, but the bundles of water always persist.
Black's boots are dirty. Severus knows how to walk on this road. He knows, because he tried to stay clean as much as he could. Water was a privilege in his house.
They arrived and Black looks around. The door is closed, but Severus knows it isn't locked. They have nothing inside for anyone to steal.
"Stay here." Severus says and he knows it's futile.
"Not a chance." Black tells him. He takes a step.
The house is dark. The curtains always draws closed. There is a rattle. A movement. Bottles on the floor. Nothing that he hasn't seen before. A side glance and Black seems baffled.
"I told you." He tells him.
"Why are we here exactly?" He is suspicious, shaken. He thinks that Severus has led him to a trap.
"You wanted to see my house, Black. Now, look." His voice is cutting, an armour he crafted carefully. "And then we will go to my mother's grave. I hope you will be satisfied by then."
Black stops.
"Lily didn't say..."
"Don't let that stop you." He walks towards the noise. Black reluctantly follows.
His father is searching a cupboard. He barely stands. He haven't even realised that there are people there.
"It's empty. I can see it from here." Severus speaks and his father turns around. He looks at him, then closes the cupboard with force. Severus doesn't flinch from the noise. It's normal, like the bottles on the floor, the dirt and the darkness.
"Did you decide to come back?" A hoarse voice. Severus never learnt if it was from the alcohol or his constant yelling. If there was a time, which he spoke like everybody else.
"I won't stay." Severus tells him. He feels Black behind him.
"Who's that?" Tobias asks.
"Not your problem." Severus answers.
"What did you say?" A move Severus recognises. A move that he never shook off. Two hands at a belt. Severus draws his wand.
"There is a war." Severus says, cynical, withdrawn. "Nobody will question a dead body."
Tobias spits on the floor.
"Filthy little monster like your mother."
Severus hits him in the head.
"He is just stunt." He tells Black before he makes a fuss about it.
Severus walks towards the stairs, but Black isn't following. He turns around.
"Check his pulse if you don't believe me."
There is an unreadable look in Black's eyes. As if he was hit with the same spell.
"Is that...?" His voice is low.
"My father yes. He will get up in a while. He always does, with a persistent consistency."
He prefers to have left by then. He leaves Black in his frozen state and he ascents the stairs. He stands in front of the master bedroom -a mockery to even call it that- but Black's feet echo on the wood. He is usually light stepped, Severus thinks absurdly, but the wood is old and it groans under his boots.
He moves, standing still won't do anything for him and he goes to his room. There are still books there, but he hasn't come for them. He moves the bed, the only furniture this room has, it's heavy at first, but then Black helps him, not asking, not uttering a word.
There is a loose board at the end of the wall and he takes it out. There is a paper, a ball, dusty and forgotten. He takes it out, unwrapping the paper only to find a ring he had once hidden.
He takes a look. Wraps it again.
"Let's go."
Black stays silent throughout the decent and the walk to the cemetery. They walk beside graves, some have flowers on them, some a candle. He goes at the far end. Where the simple ones are. Where the poorest of them all rest. The forgotten.
It's foolish what he did. Coming here, when he has nothing to tell her. She chose to love Tobias, she chose to bind her life with him, she chose to stay. She chose to cover him with blankets when he passed out. It's poisonous and destroying that kind of love. It's not love at all. It's a prison. He had tried to help her when he grew into himself, into his abilities and his body. He had tried to throw him out and she pleaded for him to stay.
Severus concluded that she loved him more than her child. She had abandoned her life for him, her privileges, her name. She had abandoned magic, only for him to love the alcohol more.
She died, poor, forgotten, a name on a stone.
He scoffs. It's utterly ridiculous. He raises his wand and he opens a small hole on the stone. He is careful, he doesn't want to see her decaying body. A small hole and he pushes the ring inside. Something of hers. Something that belonged to a life she didn't get to have. Something with the name Eileen Prince, instead of Snape. A person dead and buried years before now. Years before she died.
He fixes the hole. Nothing happened. Nobody came here.
"Let's go." He commands again. "Staying for long here is dangerous."
"Don't you want to say something?" Black asks.
"No."
"Really? It's your mother's grave. You came all the way down here."
Severus grabs the collar of his jacket.
"Whatever you saw here, forget it." Severus warns him.
"What do you think I would say?"
"I gave you plenty of joking material I presume. But refrain from using them. As I said before, a dead body in the midst of the war won't make any difference." He grabs the fabric tighter. "You have plenty already. Stick to grease on the hair, the smelling Snivellus, the crooked nose, the ugliness. You already have enough."
Black's lips are parted.
"I wouldn't..."
"You would, Black, so I warn you beforehand. If you ever think of speaking of today, I will kill you. No hesitation. It's not an empty threat."
"I'm not..." He tries again.
"Cruel? Stupid enough to use my dead mother as a joke material so your friends laugh? You are. That and more. You thrive in cruelty."
Black pushes away. It's as if he wakes from his trance.
"You always..."
"Yes, finish that sentence." Severus is at his face again. His breath smells of cigarettes.
"I won't do that here. In a fucking cemetery."
"Is it beneath you?" Severus sneers. "I didn't think you for the sentimental type. Except of course when Potter's involved.
"You don't know when to shut up." Black is mad now.
"Did that hit a sensitive cord?"
Black pushes him. Hard. Severus is on the ground. His clothes are dirty, but it doesn't matter, there is a bath waiting at Lily's house. He isn't that boy anymore.
Black nears him and Severus kicks his feet. A momentary unbalance and Severus kicks him again, until he falls down too.
He climbs on top of him, tries to punch, but Black grabs his hand.
A fight with wands, it's elegant, lethal in its precision. Severus doesn't want elegance. He wants the feel of skin under skin. He wants to be able to scream.
"Stop." Black says. "We are at your mum's grave."
"Why do you care?" Severus pulls his hand away. "Don't pretend to be noble. It doesn't suit you."
He gets up. It's futile. Foolish. It's everything that Severus has left behind in this pathetic piece of land.
They apparate to Lily's house. Two dirty men, not looking at each other.
"Do I want to know?" Lily asks and then she shakes her head. "Go and clean yourselves." She dismisses them both.
Severus moves to the bathroom. Warm water at his skin, a privilege to cry under it.