if only i'd known
2
Stepping into the room is hard. It’s eerily silent. Sirius can’t even hear the sounds of Regulus’ breathing, and he has to stare at the little boys chest to see the gentle rise and fall to make sure that he’s alive.
It was hard enough to look at him through the window, but once Sirius is sitting in the chair next to the bed, his resolve almost crumbles again.
"He’s so small," Sirius whispers, unable to talk any louder.
"He looks like you," James says as he sits down in the chair on the other side of the bed. Sirius tears his eyes away from the little boy, watching as James looks at Regulus with a sad fondness. "He’s got your grey eyes, too."
"He does?" Sirius asks, strangely hopeful.
Only Sirius and his Uncle Alphard have grey eyes, and he always used to love when he was younger and his uncle would say that their shared eye colour made them special, made them separate from the madness of the Black family.
It makes his strangely happy that Regulus has their eyes too.
"Yeah," James grins. "He’s adorable, Pads. I can’t wait for you to see him awake. He’s like a puppy, all big eyes and a tiny nose."
Sirius smiles sadly, eyes flickering over the still, battered boy on the bed. He tries not to look at the bandages on his arms, or the fading bruises peaking out from beneath them.
He looks at his brothers face, eyes drinking in the sight of his long dark eye lashes that practically fan over his high cheekbones. Sirius can see the Black genes in him, and he tries to not look too much at the gauntness of his cheeks, the pallor of his lips, the dark circles beneath his eyes.
No child should look this unhealthy.
It hurts Sirius to know that this little boy looks exactly like Sirius did growing up.
"His hair is curly," Sirius muses, looking at the dark curls that are fanned out over the white pillow beneath his head. "Mine was curly when I was younger, believe it or not."
"Hopefully he’ll keep his curls," James grins. "You would have been far more adorable if you had curly hair."
"Hey!" Sirius yelps, affronted. "I was adorable!"
James scoffs, shaking his head. "Not as adorable as him."
"Fuck off," Sirius grumbles, but he’s not actually offended.
Despite James’ accusations, Sirius was a cute kid. He’ll get Andy to confirm for him later.
A knock at the door has Sirius jumping, and he looks over his shoulder to see a guilty looking Frank stepping inside.
"Sorry, mate," he says sheepishly. "I didn’t mean to startle you, I just wanted to drop these off," he holds up a cupholder with two takeaway drinks in it, "Figured you’d need them."
"Frank! My man! You’re a lifesaver!" James gushes, making grabby hands as the Auror steps further into the room. "Shot of caramel and three sugars?"
"Yes," Frank sighs, handing James one of the cups. "Enjoy your cup of sugar with a dash of coffee."
James glares and Sirius can’t help but chuckle.
"Please tell me you didn’t get me that too," Sirius says hopefully.
"Nah," Frank laughs, "Normal coffee for you."
"Thank Merlin," Sirius nods, gratefully taking the cup.
"I’ll be outside if you need anything, alright?" Frank says. He flashes Sirius a look,"and I mean it, mate. Anything."
"Thanks, Frank," Sirius says honestly.
Frank nods before letting himself out, shutting the door softly behind him.
For a while, Sirius and James just sit in silence. Sirius appreciates it, because truthfully, he has nothing to say. He feels stripped raw, drained dry. This emotional rollercoaster of a morning has given him whiplash. He looks at Regulus on the bed, and all he feels is pain.
Pain because this kid has gone through what Sirius went through.
Pain because Sirius didn’t do anything.
Pain because he didn’t help.
Pain because he didn’t know.
He didn’t know Regulus existed, and now he’s facing him for the first time, when he’s unconscious and in a hospital bed.
Sirius doesn’t know how much time passes while he sits there and stares at the rise and fall of the small boys chest. Eventually, he hears the door open again, and when he looks over his shoulder to see who it is, a weight lifts off his chest.
"Andy," Sirius says, and within seconds of the sight of his older cousin, Sirius is 10 years old again, seeing her for the last time when she finally left the family at 18 years old.
"Hey, baby," Andy smiles, but it’s wobbly and sad.
In an instant, Sirius is out of his chair and practically throwing himself into his older cousin. Well, he almost does, except Andy’s round pregnant belly stops him. Instead, he wraps his arms around her shoulder and hugs her as close as he can. Andy hugs him back, tight and suffocating, but Sirius doesn’t care.
He hasn’t seen Andy for about six months since she announced she was pregnant. Life has simply got in the way, as it typically does, and he hates that he’s allowed so much time to pass when they have already lost so much.
Andy left the family at 18 when, unsurprisingly, their family disapproved of her love for a muggle. Sirius had been 10 when Andy had told him that she was going to be leaving. Andy had truly been the only consistent person in Sirius’ life at that time that he felt safe around. Narcissa was too hot and cold, and Uncle Alphard was so removed from the family that Sirius barely saw him. Andy was all Sirius had, and when she ran away, it broke Sirius’ heart.
It wasn’t until Sirius was 17 that he found Andy again.
Or more accurately, she found him.
She’d apparently heard through the grapevine that the House of Black had lost a heir, and she’d pulled a few tricks to find out it was Sirius. Sirius didn’t even care how she found out that he was staying at the Potter’s, because when he got the letter from her asking if he could ever forgive her and meet her again, all anger from his abandonment was already gone. Sirius finally understood her actions. After six years since she walked away, he empathised with why she had to do what she did, because Sirius had done the same too.
Their family had been toxic, and only a special kind of psychotic could survive.
Sirius is just happy both of them made it out alive.
"I’ve missed you, kiddo," she says, cupping his cheeks.
"I’ve missed you too," Sirius chokes, hating the fact that the first time he’s seeing her in so long is under such shitty circumstances.
"It feels a bit inappropriate to ask you how you’ve been considering the reason I’m seeing you again," she admits. "We should catch up soon, though. Out of here."
"Yeah," Sirius nods. "Please."
Andy smiles, stroking his cheek softly for a moment.
"Are you…" Sirius swallows back the emotion practically choking him. "Are you Regulus’ healer?"
"I am," Andy nods. "I had to fight for it, but I couldn’t let anyone else do it."
"Good," Sirius breathes with relief. If Andy is Regulus’ main healer, then it means for the time being, this can be kept marginally under wraps. Plus, Andy is a damn good healer. If Andy is looking after him, Regulus is in the best hands.
"I just need to do a few checks and then I’ll fill you in, okay?" Andy says.
Sirius nods, dropping down in the chair. He watches anxiously as Andy steps up to the bed, waving her wand over Regulus. A moment later, and without a twitch from the little boy, a roll of parchment appears and Andy briskly takes it out of the air.
"Everything okay?" Sirius asks, sick to his stomach again.
Andy flashes him an honest smile. "Yeah, baby. He’s alright."
"Are you sure?"
Andy’s smile grows soft, and instead of being insulted by Sirius’ uncertainty, she just strokes his hair in an action that is motherly. "I wouldn’t lie to you, sweetheart. He’s not ready to jump up and run a marathon, but his numbers are good considering."
"Okay," Sirius sighs, slumping in the chair.
Andy strokes his hair once more before she moves to the end of the bed. When it’s clear she’s planning on talking to them standing up, James jumps out of his chair and pushes it towards her. She seems to open her mouth to argue, but James flashes her a look, eyes flicking down to her stomach before he wordlessly leans against the wall and crosses his arms.
Andy, the smart woman she is, doesn’t argue. James has his 'father' face on, as Peter calls it, which basically means any arguing will lead to James just staring them down with a look of utter disappointment until they crack.
Once Andy is seated, she takes a deep and slow breath, before looking at Sirius.
"How much has James told you?"
"Only the basics," James answers, and when Andy looks at him, he shrugs sheepishly, "He wanted to know."
"It’s okay," Andy smiles. "Sirius, I know it’s going to be hard to hear, but I need to give you the details so you can consent to any further treatments that Regulus needs."
Further treatments.
"Okay."
"Alright. We can stop at any time, okay?" She says, and when Sirius gives her a wary nod, she continues, "So, when Regulus came to us last night, he was conscious but very injured and distressed. We had to put him to sleep to be able to examine and scan him. Our scan gave us the information of his name, his birthday, and his measurements, as well as his injuries and medical needs.
"As far as injuries go, it’s quite miraculous that he doesn’t have anything sustained from the fire. He did, however, have a moderate concussion, which we are treating with pain potions. He also had various breaks in his right arm, as well as something we refer to as a spiral fracture in his right humerus. We had to reset the bones and he has had doses of skele-grow to aid the healing. Unfortunately, the scans showed that he has had previous breaks in his left arm have suggested to have healed wrong or misplaced. The best course for treatment and healing was to vanish all three of his left arm bones and give him skele-grow to regrow the bones. He had four broken ribs, again, that we’ve healed, and thankfully, didn’t pierce or damage his lungs. He had numerous cuts and lacerations over his entire body, likely a consequence of various Diffindo casts on him. We have healed those along with the bruises, and we have been applying balms and creams to reduce the scarring. Unfortunately, he has lots of old scarring, mostly on his arms and back, which we are unsure, but hopeful, that with a prolonged effort that we might be able to get those to fade too."
Sirius can’t speak.
All he can do is blink and try not to break down.
He wants to laugh at Andy’s earlier statement about it being 'quite miraculous' that Regulus isn’t injured from the fire. Sirius is pretty sure in terms of mercy, it would have been kinder for this fire to have happened before he was even born.
He realises Andy seems to be waiting for a confirmation for her to continue, so Sirius just blinks back the tears blurring his vision and nods. He needs to hear this now, or he’s not going to be able to hear it at all.
"I’m sure as you can see, Regulus is small," Andy continues gently. "The scans showed that he is severely underweight, and the long-term starvation has stunted his growth. He currently weighs around two and a half stone, and is only three foot and two inches tall. For his age, he should be around three and a half stone and stand three foot eight. We’ve already started him on nutrition potions, but unfortunately, it is likely he is going to be on a regime of them for a while. He may potentially always be small for his age, but I’m sure with a well managed diet and nutrition potions, he’ll be healthy in no time."
By the time Andy finishes talking, Sirius’ resolve has officially broken. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, and a sob rips from his mouth.
"Fucking hell," he chokes, covering his mouth as he bows over in the chair.
Hatred, anger, devastation burn in his stomach.
How dare they?
How dare they?
Starved, stunted, broken and battered, this kid is barely alive. He’s clinging to life by a fucking thread, and by the sounds of it, he’s been holding on for a long time.
Sirius sobs loudly, his chest heaving. An arm snakes around his shoulders, and he’s tugged sideways into a warm, solid body. Without opening his eyes, he knows it’s James, once again at his side and holding him up.
"They tried to kill him," Sirius whimpers into James’ shoulder, his own body shaking with the brutality of his sobs.
"I know, mate," James whispers into his hair. "I know."
"How could they do that?" Sirius cries. "He’s a kid!"
"The same way they did it to you, Pads," James murmurs sadly. "They were bad people. Horrible, vile people."
Sirius sits straight, wiping his eyes angrily. James stays at his side when he looks to Andy, who looks pained and pale.
"What now?" Sirius asks. "What do we do now?"
"Physically, everything I have listed can be, or has been, treated," Andy starts, and if it wasn’t for the look of trepidation in her eyes, Sirius would be excited. "I won’t lie to you and say with a few flicks of the wand and a couple of potions, this is going to be solved before he leaves here. You don’t need me to tell you that what Regulus has gone through is going to involve a different kind of uphill battle."
Sirius does know. Fuck, does he know.
Abuse from the House of Black doesn’t go away overnight. Sure, bones can be healed, bruises will disappear and cuts can scar, but mentally? That shit fucks you up for a long time.
They can only gage and guess by the state of Regulus’ body what happened to him in that house, but Sirius knows the ability of his late parents. Walburga was a master at emotional and mental distraction. There is no way that this kid isn’t royally fucked up in the head.
"There is also the matter of the other thing," Andy begins, and when Sirius looks at her, he frowns to see her looking already at James.
Stomach sinking impossibly further, Sirius looks at James.
"What’s going on?" He asks, voice coming out harsher than he intended.
He doesn’t think he can take anymore bad news today.
Surely, he thinks, it can’t get any fucking worse?
"Look," James sighs, rubbing his eyes behind his glasses. "I’m to tell you something that is going to make you probably want to throw up again, but it’s part of the reason why I had to get you here so quick."
"What is it?"
"Because you’re his brother, you are automatically next in line for his guardianship. However, if you decline, the person after you is Bellatrix."
I thought too soon. It can get worse.
Much, much worse.
"What?" Sirius whispers in horror.
"I hate to do this to you, Pads. I really do," James frantically says, shaking his head. "You know I’d never force you to do anything, but I don’t need to explain this to you. It’s you or your crazy ass lunatic of a cousin who is taking that little boy home."
"Oh Merlin," Sirius exhales heavily. "When—?"
"They’ll be coming this evening."
The floor beneath Sirius’ feet seems to disappear. He looks at Regulus on the bed.
Tonight.
If he doesn’t take guardianship, they’re going to contact Bellatrix tonight.
Bellatrix, whom has been dancing with the Dark Arts since she was old enough to hold a wand, who played part in half of the abuse that partook in the Black family, is going to be asked to look after an abused, traumatised little boy?
"I know this is a lot to take in, Sirius. I’ve barely managed to wrap my head around it too, but we don’t have much time. The ministry have a duty, and if you don’t—"
"She can’t have him," Sirius cuts her off, voice sharp and snarling. He tears his eyes off the little boy, and stares at Andy with eyes that he knows are glaring heatedly. "There is no fucking way I’m letting him go to Bellatrix. He’s staying with me."
James’ head drops, and he lets out a whooshing breath. When he lifts his head, he’s smiling from ear to ear, nodding, "I’m really bloody glad to hear that, buddy."
"Me too," Andy adds, looking relieved.
Sirius almost feels offended that they doubted him, but he also knows he can’t blame them.
Sirius isn’t a parent, he has no idea what to do with a kid. More so, Sirius vowed years ago to have nothing to do with his parents anymore. Regulus is a direct connection to them again, and while they’re now dead, Regulus is a living and breathing consequence of their actions.
"It’ll be okay, Sirius," Andy smiles. "I know this is a lot to take in, and I’m so sorry."
"Did you know?"
Andy frowns in confusion. "What?"
"Did you know about Regulus?"
"No," she shakes her head. "I had no idea. I… I haven’t had any contact with any of them since I left. If I’d known, please, Sirius, you have to believe me that I would have got him out."
"Me too," Sirius whispers.
If only I’d known, Sirius thinks. I would have got you out, kiddo. I would have never let you be left there with them.
If I’d known, none of this would have happened.
"Do you have any other questions?" Andy asks.
Sirius shakes his head, managing a weak, "No."
"Alright, baby," she nods. "I need to go and see other patients, but I’m here all day, okay? Come and find me if you need anything, but I’ll be coming in and out to check on him every half an hour anyways."
"Okay," Sirius murmurs.
Andy stands, and Sirius follows in suit so he can hug her again. It feels different to the one they shared when she first came in. It feels heavier and melancholic.
After Andy leaves, Sirius sinks into the chair again. All he can do is breathe, his entire body and mind feels numb.
Within hours, his whole life has changed. It’s been grabbed and flipped, ripped, warped. The way his life was when he went to bed last night, he will never live that again.
He’s dreamed of the day he’d find out that Walburga and Orion Black have died. He just never imagined it would be like this.
"I need to speak to Remus," Sirius sighs, rubbing his eyes. "I need to let him know what’s going on."
"If you want to phone him, you have to go to the telephone box down the road," James explains. "That’s how I phoned you guys this morning."
Sirius nods. He looks at Regulus on the bed, then back to James.
"Will you stay with him?" He asks.
James smiles, "Of course, Pads."
"Thank you."
And so, Sirius treks out of St Mungo’s and hunts down the phone box that James mentioned. Truthfully, it feels good to be out of the hospital. He’s relieved to stretch his legs and breath air that doesn’t feel tainted with pain and death.
He finds the payphone quickly, and thankfully, it’s emptied and unoccupied. He goes inside, grateful that Moony made him learn their number off by heart so he can punch the numbers in straight away.
It rings a few times before the phone on the other end picks up.
"Hello?"
At the sound of Moony’s voice, Sirius slumps into the wall.
"Hey. It’s Sirius."
"Hey, sweetheart," Remus replies, tone melting into adoration. "How’s it going?"
Sirius swallows thickly, feeling once again choked. "Not good."
Remus is silent for a moment. "Is he awake?"
"No," Sirius whispers.
After another belated pause, Remus cautiously asks, "Is he going to be okay?"
"Physically, yeah," Sirius says. "We won’t know anything else until he wakes up."
"Okay," Remus replies, sounding confident. "We can deal with that."
We.
"We?" Sirius echoes.
"Yeah. We, Pads. We’re a team. Whatever is going on, I’m in too."
"Good," Sirius half-sobs, feeling his body begin to shake. "Because he needs to come home with me, or they’ll give him to Bella."
Remus is quiet for so long after he says that that Sirius starts to wonder if the phone has cut off.
"What?" Remus growls suddenly, sounding angrier than Sirius has ever heard him.
"She’s next in line for guardianship after me."
"No. Fuck no! Bring him home, Sirius," Remus says, tone stern. "Whatever needs to be done, we’ll figure it out. I don’t care, but— he—" Remus breaks off for a moment with a shuddering sigh. "Bring him home, Pads."
"I will," Sirius promises, because Moony’s added approval is all he didn’t realise he needed to seal the deal. Not that Sirius would have changed his mind if Moony had refused, but to know he’s not going to be alone in this makes it feel so much easier.
"Good," Remus says simply. Then, he asks, "Are you okay?"
"No," Sirius admits. "I… I don’t… he’s so hurt, Moony. They tried to break him, and I’m scared that when he wakes up, we’re going to find out they did the job."
"It’s not going to be like that, Pads," Remus denies quickly. "I promise. We’ll undo whatever they did. That kid is going to be fine, and whatever isn’t, we’ll help him live with it."
"Okay," Sirius whispers shakily.
"I’ll see you soon, okay? Contact me if you need anything."
"I will."
"I love you," Moony says.
Sirius laughs, though it comes out wet and half-sob. "I love you too."
The walk back through the hospital is devastatingly hard.
Selfishly, it takes everything in Sirius to not run back to the floo's and go home. He wants to so badly. He wants to disappear from here, to pretend it's all a bad dream. He wants to go home, to go back to bed and have Remus wrap around him. He wants to bury his face in the pillows of their bed, to close his eyes and pretend none of this is happening.
But he can't.
He won't.
Because there is a little boy in this hospital who's going to need him.
When he gets back to Regulus' room, Frank is still situated outside. He nods silently at Sirius, and Sirius barely manages a jerked nod back.
Despite the walk back from the phone booth and the treak through the hospital corridors, Sirius still has to steel himself to walk back inside. To sit beside the evidence of his parents harsh cruelty, to see consequences of their anger and abuse on the form of a tiny body.
Every bruise, every cut, every bandage, every protruding bone is evidence of his parents vicious actions.
Every time Sirius looks at them, he can feel the pain his little brother has gone through. And it's not sympathy, it's not an imagination fantom, Sirius can feel it. He can feel the echoes of his own wounds, his own hits. He knows how it feels, he spent years on the receiving end of his parents anger, and he hates that he wasn't there to stop someone else from going through it.
When he looks at Regulus, all he feels is guilt.
It feels like a violent, vicious poison plaguing him, killing him from the inside.
It's like his parents last revenge, their dying wish, to hurt Sirius indefinitely.
His parents may be gone, but they made sure that Sirius would never be able to escape them.
Sirius hates them, but he won't allow them to win.
Now, both Sirius and his baby brother are free, and Sirius plans to help Regulus grow as Sirius did.
Through the window, Sirius can see that Andy is back. She's standing around the far side of the bed, looking down at Regulus. There's a soft smile on her face, and Sirius uses it to strengthen himself to step inside.
"You're alright, sweetheart," Andy is saying as Sirius steps inside, and it takes a second for Sirius to realise that she's looking down at Reg, who despite having not moved, has his eyes open.
His eyes are open.
Within a split second, Sirius' exhausted body snaps straight.
"Everything's going to be okay," Andy adds, speaking softly and slowly. "You're safe here. We're looking after you."
Sirius freezes at the door, heart rabbiting wildly in his chest.
The door falls shut softly behind him, and James looks over his shoulder.
"Is he… is he awake?" Sirius whispers.
James smiles widely at him, nodding. "Yeah, mate."
"He’s very heavily sedated, so still pretty out of it," Andy explains, flashing him a smile. She looks back at Regulus, who’s Sirius can see is still blinking slowly up at her. "Hey, baby, there’s someone here who wants to meet you."
She waves Sirius over, and when Sirius doesn’t move, she smiles encouragingly.
"Come on, sweetheart," she says. "Come say hi."
Somehow, Sirius’ feet move. He rounds the bed and stands next to Andy, feeling his chest constrict.
James was right: Regulus’ eyes are the same silver-grey as Sirius’, though right now, they’re unfocused and glazed. Every time he blinks, they roll back in a sleepy, drug-induced haze. He looks completely out of it, but most importantly, he doesn’t look like he’s in any pain.
"Hey, Reggie," Sirius whispers, voice cracking and tears burning his eyes. "I’m Sirius."
Sirius wasn’t expecting a reply, and he’s glad he wasn’t, because all he gets is repeated, groggy blinks. However, reply or no reply, Regulus’ eyes being open is the best thing that’s happened to him today.
"Everything is going to be okay now," Sirius adds, wiping the tears away. "I— I’m going to make sure of it. I promise."
Regulus doesn’t reply again. He just blinks, eyes-half lidded and unseeing. Sirius doesn’t care when Regulus goes back to sleep a moment later, because this is a start.
Whatever happens now, Sirius vows to be by his little brothers side.
He’ll wait as long as it takes.
Regulus will not be alone anymore.
— tbc.