Remus
Remus Lupin’s life had never been easy. Well, maybe it had been, many years ago, when he was still a small child. But it wasn’t as if he could even remember those times, so he guessed it didn’t really count. And besides, those times were so long ago that they didn’t even feel real when he thought about it. His counted, happy days had ended so abruptly that it took everyone off guard. No one had been prepared for it, nor could anyone have seen it coming.
Well, the last part may or may not be a lie. They could’ve seen it coming. After all, it had been his father’s fault. It had been Lyall Lupin that accused Fenrir Greyback of being a werewolf.
And it had been Lyall Lupin that failed to prove it.
It was funny, really, how his life could have been so different, so colorful and happy if his father hadn’t had his raging hatred against werewolves. How ironic it was, that after everything, he ended up with one as a son.
Remus could never really remember the moment when it happened. All he could recall was the pain, and the horrors that had followed. The horrors that would never stop for as long as he was alive.
Sometimes, when he was alone, he would lift his shirt and run his fingers over the bite mark. It wasn’t like his other scars, caused by the claws his fingernails turned into when he turned. It wasn’t a white line on his brown skin, and it certainly didn’t look like those ‘cool’ scars superheroes would sometimes have in muggle comics.
Or at least, that’s what he told himself. Because there was one person that seemed to think differently.
Sirius Black had always been a loud and outspoken kid, ever since the moment Remus first met him on their first time on the Hogwarts Express. He always spoke his mind and believed he was right, and that was probably the reason why he got along so well with James Potter, who thought pretty much the same. But most of all, he was the first person in Remus’ life to make him feel like he was worth something. Like he wasn’t just a dangerous waste of space. Of course, James and Peter did everything they could as well, keeping his secret and turning into animagi just for him.
But it never really felt the same.
Remus remembered his first year at Hogwarts like it had been yesterday, but somehow it still felt so far away. It had been a miracle that he had even got the chance to go to school, and he probably wouldn’t have had that chance if the headmaster hadn’t had his ways.
He remembered entering the Hogwarts Express for the first time, still not really believing he was actually going to school, and fully convinced he would spend those seven years alone. Just like at home, where he was always alone as well. It was best that way, if he didn’t build friendships with the other children. It was for their safety. That’s what his father always insisted on telling him, at least.
Correspondingly, his surprise had been big when suddenly three boys, seemingly his age, entered the cabin. One with round glasses, the other one a chubby, small kid and the last one with long, black hair. They introduced themselves as James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black, and, as soon as they sat down, started immediately talking about Quidditch, something Remus wasn’t even remotely interested in. Little did he know that those three, seemingly loud and obnoxious boys, were about to become his best friends.
And little did he know, they would all change his life. For the better…and, later on, for the worse.
Because just like there is sunlight, there are shadows. Just like there is beauty, there is foulness hidden behind it. And just like there are good days, when life seems to be finally worth living, there are bad days, when all you want is for all of it to be over.
And it was fair to say Remus Lupin had a lot of those bad days in his life, but for some reason, they just seemed to amplify after the 31st October,
1981.
He remembered it as if it had been yesterday, the day his entire life went downhill. Or better, the day his last remaining bit of happiness was ripped from him like a forbidden toy is ripped from a stubborn, cranky child. Granted, his life had never been something he’d purposely sign up for if he’d had a choice. But his friends, the marauders, always made him feel better, even in his darkest moments.
They never failed to impress him with their stupidity, just like they always managed to bring some light into his miserable, shadowy life.
After halloween 1981, however, that changed.
The little bit of light left in him was overshadowed by a deep, sickening amount of darkness, and the remaining happiness Remus still felt disappeared together with the four most important people in his life.
Because James and Lily were dead. So was Peter.
And Sirius… Oh Merlin, Remus felt sick just thinking about that name.
Sirius…was the traitor.
And Remus didn’t know what to do without him, just like he didn’t know what to do with himself. The long haired boy had been the one person, the one constant in his life he swore always would be there.
The one person…he couldn’t live without. But now he’d have to, no matter how painful it was.
Because Sirius was gone. So were James, Lily, Peter. But even though they were dead, nothing hurt more than the loss of Sirius. Why, that was something Remus didn’t know. Or maybe he just simply didn’t want to acknowledge it.
Because Sirius had, just like his name indicated, been a star, guiding Remus in the profundity of the full moon nights. What he didn’t consider though, was that nothing lasts forever, not even the little white points, that illuminated the nightsky, making it even more beautiful. And just like that, it exploded, leaving behind only despair and destruction, in form of Remus Lupin’s life.
And now, he’d have to deal with that destruction, even if it made his heart hurt in the worst imaginable ways, and even if it made him want to crawl out of his skin, something he had wanted to do oh so often, but now more than ever.
But now matter how hard and desperately he tried to turn away from the disaster right in front of him, the truth was always there, in the back of his mind. A haunting, terrifying and dark truth that Remus dreaded more than anything. And what he thought to be the worst part of it all, was that it was always accompanied by that tremendous amount of guilt and self loathing.
Deep down, he felt like he should have known it. After all, it wasn’t the first time he’d been betrayed by Sirius Black, and no matter how broken he had been the first time it had happened, now it felt a thousand times worse. Like a weight, slowly, but surely and painfully crashing his lungs the more he thought about it.
Sirius Black might’ve been the reason for Remus Lupin’s brightest and happiest moments, but he for sure was the reason for his darkest ones nevertheless. And in the end, those were the ones that mattered in the grand scheme of things. After all, happiness is always accompanied by pain.
But pain is rarely accompanied by happiness.