Remus doesn’t fully understand how it happened or why it started, but before he knows it he’s on the floor. On the brightside no one is screaming this time. What feels like two seconds ago Remus was fine. He was sitting at his desk typing when his hands began to shake. And this isn’t exactly abnormal for him, the hand tremors have become a part of his daily routine by now. What’s unusual is the way he begins to feel afterward. It’s not the usual adrenaline dump that occurs when Remus is sitting down and doing nothing instead his heart skips a beat, then another and another. His head feels wrong, like brain fog is entering his brain but hasn't quite formed yet. It leaves him fully focused and yet slightly off. The lightheadedness is so slight that he barely even feels it before he’s falling out of his chair and hitting the floor.
There’s no waking up, afterall his eyes never closed. Instead they are trained on the ceiling but he doesn’t really see anything; it's all blurred. His breaths are quick and his chest heaves as he tries to take in air that seemingly doesn’t exist. And his body shakes in a way that he doesn’t recognize, his already tight chest constricting with fear. Remus’ eyes shift in the direction of his phone. He thinks he can recall hearing it clatter onto the floor after he fell. His fingers brush against the plastic phone case and he tightens his grip. Without looking he unlocks his phone and presses the key that’ll speed dial Effie.
“Hey Moony what’s up?”
“Sirius?” Remus gasps.
There’s a moment of silence on the other line like Sirius is trying to process what’s going on before he roughly says something to whoever he’s with and then redirects his attention to Remus.
“I’m on my way.”
Logistically speaking it makes no sense for only a few minutes to have passed before Sirius is by his side, but Remus’ sense of time is warped when he gets like this. Next thing he knows Sirius is on his knees running a hand through his hair.
“You’re lucky I’d only just left,” he said with a wet laugh.
“Thank you,” Remus whispers and Sirius smiles.
Remus can feel the warmth of Sirius' body next to him, it’s comforting somehow despite his too hot skin. And the gentle motion of his fingers through his hair soothes his panic thoughts.
“Do you know what happened?”
Remus shakes his head, closing his eyes as a new wave of dizziness immediately follows. His eyelids flutter lightly and he can feel his eyes begin to roll back. Remus searches for Sriius’ hand, gripping it tightly as he attempts to fight off the wave. It’s different this time though. His entire body feels like it’s about to shake. Not shaking, but about to. His entire body tenses up, and the panic comes back full force. Yet nothing happens.
“You okay?” Sirius asks, his hand pausing momentarily.
Remus says nothing. He can’t move, and yet he does. His body tenses further and Sirius grips his hand tighter as if he can sense that something is about to happen.
Remus’s back arches off the ground as his body begins to convulse and shake. The repetitive movement brings Remus pain as his muscles are forced to constrict again and again for minutes on end. Unfortunately convulsive pre-syncope is something Remus has read about, he’d read of convulsive syncope as well. Of course Remus would be unlucky enough to experience the first.
His mind is blank and eyes unfocused as Sirius continues to hold his hand using his other one to steady his head and make sure he doesn’t hurt himself. Occasionally the convulsions slow down occurring every three seconds instead of one, just long enough to give Remus hope that it was almost over before starting up again leaving him exhausted and in pain.
“You’re okay,” Sirius whispered reassuringly, “Almost done.
“I’m sorry,” Remus manages to choke out, as his body continues to tense.
“For what, you have nothing to apologize for. What’s happening to you is out of your control.”
And Remus nearly cries. It’s meant to be reassuring Remus knows that but it just leaves him feeling even more useless than before. It’s out of his control he knows that, and yet he acts like it is. Acts like he has some sort of grip on what’s happening. Like the illness inside of him and himself have some sort of unspoken connection. But they don’t. If they did none of this would be happening in the first place. It’s out of his control. Despite the anger this brings it also brings some sort of relief. He’s not at fault for what’s happening, he’s not to blame. There’s nothing he could’ve done to stop it, nothing he can do to just make it end.
Ironically the convulsions settle down and his body relaxes. Remus melts into Sirius’ embrace and Sirius removes his hand from his head back to his hair. A weight in his chest lessens with the knowledge that he is loved and words flow from his lips. Probably not the right ones, but words nonetheless.
“I always feel like shit, and I can never do anything. I force you Peter and James to miss out. I’m a burden, I’m useless.”
He doesn’t know why he says this. Maybe it’s the brain fog seeping further into his brain or maybe the convulsions have temporarily shaken the common sense out of him. Whatever it is, he’s glad he says it.
Sirius pauses for a moment as if needing to recollect himself before tightening his grip on Remus’ hand. “You are not a burden, James, Peter and I. We all love you. I love you. Anything for our Moony remember?”
Exhausted from his episode there’s not much Remus can do but nod. Despite this Sirius seems to understand and presses a kiss to Remus’ temple.
“I love you Moony.”
If only Remus could muster up the energy to say it back.