Pure Sinners

Things were much better the next day. 

Lily was back, Remus was cooking dinner and James was singing (rather terribly) along to the radio. 

Of course, Lily had yet to tell them where she’d been or why she’d left at all. 

She had greeted Sirius that morning as though she had never been gone. “Mornin’ love” she’d mumbled, helping herself to his coffee as he ate the breakfast Remus had prepared. 

Every time she spoke Sirius expected her to tell him where she’d been; 

“Oh Sirius I can’t believe I forgot, yesterday I had to go visit my old physics tutor. She’s in the hospital for a hip replacement.”,

“I need a nap, I am still exhausted after the half marathon Riddle and I ran yesterday”

As the day went by Sirius’s imaginary scenarios got stranger.. 

“This film reminds me of the ballet class I took Malfoy to yesterday”

 “Oi Sirius, pass the salt..oh and I was off on a murder spree yesterday”

But none of these sentences left her mouth and Sirius was left stewing in ignorance and anger. 

He and Remus hadn’t spoken about Remus’s relapse.

In fact, when Sirius had tried to bring up rehabilitation centres or even allowing Lily to help him get clean like before, he had been shouted at and told to let Remus sleep in peace. Sirius he had been watching Remus very closely all day, and had not allow him to as much as pee with the door closed.

 Remus was tolerating it but Sirius knew he’d eventually snap, and then they’d have to talk about it. Lily would have known what to do but if she was withholding information so would he.

The situation with James was the strangest. 

Nothing had changed. Nothing at all. 

He was still being his usual brand of innocent evil. Still stealing Sirius’s food off his plate, still making heart eyes at Lily (perhaps even more so than in recent weeks), but something was wrong. 

Every now and then his eyes would glance to the door, or out the window as though he were expecting someone. His usually kempt nails were bitten down and he had several hang-nails that kept bleeding. 

Okay so maybe things weren’t any better, but Sirius could pretend they were.  

James jumped in his chair as Remus called Lily to the table for dinner. He immediately averted his eyes as she entered and Sirius knew that Remus had yet to actually speak to her today. Lily sat next to him, a smile on her face as she asked him for the peas. 

Sirius couldn’t pretend anymore. 

“What the fuck is going on!” He bellowed in an acute display of Black family temper’. 

Everyone jumped and Sirius tried not to smirk at their reaction - his father had always said there was too much of his mother in him. “Jesus Christ, Sirius!” Remus exclaimed at the same time Lily yelled “What the fuck!”. James sat there silent in a very unusual display of restraint. 

“You’re all acting shady as fuck!” Sirius said and this time he did smile as everyone looked to the floor. He lived in a flat full of snakes. God they couldn’t even bring themselves to lie. 

‘What if they couldn’t lie at all’ Sirius felt a voice whisper inside his head. He nodded, pretending the voice of his brother had not echoed in his ears. His idea must have shown on his face because Lily paled and Remus looked pissed. 

“No!” they spoke together. Their voices were stark in the small kitchen.  

An hour later the four were arranged in a circle on the sitting room floor. “Neutral ground” Sirius had called it, even though he knew it was hardly neutral. 

Lily was scowling (not a surprise), Remus looked as though he wished the ground would swallow him whole (also not a surprise), he kept casting nervous glances towards James and Sirius had half a mind to feel bad (he didn’t). James was confused, no one had explained the game they were about to play - this was mainly due to his possible refusal if he knew the terms of the activity. 

Sirius forced a grimace (that was much too happy) as he pulled out a bottle of tainted whisky and four tumblers. He silently poured out four measures, waiting until everyone had downed them before he told James the rules of the game. 

“It’s a game of truths. Only you can’t lie” he ensured he put enough emphasis on the word ‘can’t’ for Lily to bark an angry laugh. 

“Sooo? It’s just truth or dares with no dare?” James asked completely oblivious to the drug worming its way towards his heart. 

“Exactly.” Sirius praised the boy as he glanced towards the fire door behind Remus.   

“Not quite..” Remus said, always the party pooper “ he doesn’t mean you can’t lie. He means you CAN’T lie. It’s physically impossible since he’s dosed us all with Veritaserum.”. James’s face went from confused to panicked, to bordering hysterical in 3 seconds flat.

 “W-Wwhat!?” His voice was screechy and Sirius wanted to punch him. 

“It’s not like that. It won’t make you spill your guts. It just makes you more inclined to answer questions truthfully.” James didn’t look comforted by Sirius’s words. He watched as the git moved to stand, only to be stopped by Lily's words. Sirius tried not to roll his eyes. 

“You might as well stay, it’s the only time everyone around here is totally open. Anything goes” she said and the hesitant boy sat. 

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“Shall we?” He asked as all of them placed their fists into the centre of the circle. 

“One….Two…Three!” Sirius exclaimed as everyone moved their hands within the circle. 

Lily had scissors (predictable), Remus and James both went for rock and Sirius being the genius he was went for dynamite.

“That’s not fair” Lily had cried and Sirius shrugged. “You first Lily” he said and she flipped him off. 

“Where were you yesterday?” He asked, trying (and failing) to keep his tone casual. “With Riddle” she said with a smug smile and Sirius cursed himself for not being more specific. 

They all looked to James who would ask her next. 

“Ummm..i-i.. what is your favourite colour?” He asked, and Sirius pictured himself smacking the shit out of him.

Lily smiled, “Blue,” she said as she turned to Remus, a smile falling from her face. 

“What did Riddle say..” Remus asked, speaking again as Lily's lips quirked “..what did he say that we should know?” 

Her eyes narrowed as her lips contorted. Their version of the serum was the first, it was the weakest batch Malfoy had ever made and Sirius wondered how powerful the final product would be. 

“We have a leak.” Lily said evasive as always. She rolled her eyes as her lips parted again “There’s a rat in the Death eaters, low level. No really issue. Riddle put me on the job. Just me, it’s not your problem” she emphasised the ‘Just” but Sirius knew they’d worm their way into her investigation one way or another.

Remus nodded, looking to Sirius to begin asking him questions. Being seated on the left of Lily he was aware he would be the next person in the hot seat. “How long have you been sober?” He asked, direct and unavoidable. 

Remus grimaced, eyes resigned. He looked at the watch on his left wrist “39 hours”, he said staring at James. To his credit, James’s face was controlled. No one raised anywhere other than the Black household would have caught the disappointment as it traversed his skin. 

Sirius clenched his fists - who was he to judge Remus?  They didn’t even know why he was there for fuck sake. Sirius felt his train of thought parked itself at the station as the expression on James’s face transformed itself to sympathy, with shades of sadness Sirius knew he shouldn’t have seen. 

Sirius turned his gaze to Lily, who simply nodded. Her face identical to Riddle's. Sirius had been trained to read people, but whenever she wore that expression Lily was no longer human. 

“Umm..” James began and Sirius couldn’t help himself. “Don’t waste the question, James.. ask something he doesn’t want to answer.“ His voice was harsh but he didn’t care. Remus could use some tough love. 

“Why don’t you like me?” James asked and Sirius nearly face palmed. What a waste of a question, of course, Remus liked….

”I don’t know” Remus replied as he looked to the ceiling. “I don’t hate you..in fact, I like you a lot. I just don’t trust you. i-I’ve tried..” His tone was pleading and suddenly Sirius wished James had asked something stupid. “..it usually takes me a while to trust new people, especially since P-peter. I-i will, I just don’t know why I haven’t yet” Remus said, guilt painting his cheeks.  

“Who’s..? James started before shaking his head. Sirius let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding since Remus said the name. James looked to Remus, a soft smile showing nothing but affection for the scarred boy. 

Remus shrank further at the small action. 

“Where is it?” Lily asked and Remus laughed. The sound too angry for the peaceful room. “Nowhere.” He answered honestly. Sirius could see the disbelief as it passed over Lily's face. “Really Lil, I’ve got nothing. I don’t want anything…well of course I want it but I’m not. Not this time - I mean it” his voice was tender and the smile she gave him was too intimate for Sirius’s liking. 

“My go!” He said loudly snapping the two out of their shared moment. 

“What happened to your brother?.. How did he die?” James asked, wringing his hands in his lap. 

Sirius frowned - he had told the boy to press deeper. 

“He killed himself” his answer appeased the drug in his body but Sirius continued all the same “Mother and father had just disowned me, he couldn’t handle being alone in that house. They found him in my room, two weeks before his birthday. ” he had aimed for careless but his tone revealed more than he meant to. 

“Do you miss him?” James had asked and Sirius wanted to scold him. “The rule is one question James” Remus said on his behalf as the poison urged him to speak. 

 “Always” he said a smile instantly curling his lips. 

He needed someone to speak. 

*“Sirius..” *

Someone needed to say something. 

*“Sirius please..” *

Why wasn’t anyone speaking? 

*“I-i can’t Regulus, I’m sorry”. *

It’s so quiet. 

*“Don’t go! Tell them you didn’t mean it!” *

When did it get so quiet?

 “*Don’t go! Don’t leave me! Please, Sirius! Please!” *

SOMEONE FUCKING SAY SOMETHING! 

“What is something you don’t want anyone in this room to know”

Sirius thanked God for Lily Evans. Her question was open-ended, deliberately so - Sirius didn’t deserve her, but he’d keep her anyway. “I'm not wearing pants,” He said the first thought that sprung to mind. The drug - appeased for now relented its hold on his vocal cords and Sirius breathed deeply in relief. His eyes flicked to Lily's emerald ones and a look more truthful than anything said so far passed through them. 

James blinked as they all turned to him. “Why are you so on edge today?” Sirius spoke first despite it not really being his turn. “I keep thinking there’s someone at the door” James said eyes wide as his mouth moved without permission. Sirius nodded accepting the non-answer. 

“Why did you join the Death Eaters” Remus asked and for a moment James looked like he might pass out. “It was the only real option” James said relief clear on his face at the vague answer. Sirius looked to the messy-haired man in sympathy, it had been his only option as well. 

“Why did you beat Dursley up like that?” Lily asked and for a moment Sirius had no idea what she was talking about. Visions of a fat balding man covered in blood came to him quickly, accompanied by James’s wild smile and bruised fists. “I wanted to” James said with a shrug and Sirius thought he’d have said the same without the serum. 

“Round two?” Sirius asked, filling glasses without a response. The boys looked to Lily. She shrugged and her knights obediently swallowed the amber liquid. James lost this time. Lily smirked looking towards him with a look too malicious for the question. “Fuck, marry, kill?” She said and Sirius smiled. 

The atmosphere in the mood lightened with her words, the hostility from earlier dispersing as they all waited for James’s response. 

James spluttered, shaking his head as the answer crept up his throat. “Sirius, you, myself” Sirius shook his head at his unique answer. 

Remus spoke first “That’s not how it works, you have to kill me” he stated the obvious but James only shrugged. “I couldn’t kill you, mate,” he said honestly. 

 Sirius couldn’t help himself. “But you’d fuck me?” He asked with a wink. 

“Of course, everyone would fuck you. I just couldn’t marry your ass, you’d give me wrinkles” James was smiling and soon everyone was laughing at his words. 

“Too true” Sirius conceded as he waved towards Remus. 

“Who was the best shag you ever had?” His question was funny, and lighthearted but Sirius saw the way Lily froze as the question left Remus’s lips. 

Oh, this was going to be interesting. 

“Lily” James said without pause. 

Sirius burst into laughter and barely refrained from clapping the lad on the back. The room was filled with laughter but Sirius could only hear himself - he stopped abruptly as he stared at the silent occupants around him. 

Lily was staring at the floor, unwavering eye contact with stained wood. Remus looked a strange mix of happy, jealous and very, very pissed. James just looked confused, eyes bouncing around the group. 

“When?” Remus growled, and Sirius pretended not to flinch at the sound. Something was very wrong here. 

“A couple of days ago” Lily said at the same time James said “This morning”.  Both statements as true as the other. 

Remus started laughing, the sound leaching the warmth from the room. “Remus, what are you on about? This is great!” Sirius said with a smile too wide for his face.

 “Yeah, it's so great” Remus's tone was bitter.

 “Why are you so pissed off then?!” Sirius asked, forgetting the fact his friend would be forced to answer honestly.

“Because this means she’ll stop,” Remus muttered, Lily's eyes widening at his words. 

“Stop what?” Sirius asked at the same moment Lily said “Don’t!”. 

“Helping me” Remus stated, a frown on his face. 

The room was quiet for a few seconds, Sirius wished it had stayed that way. “What do you mean?”

“ I-i get angry.” Remus struggled to get the words out. 

Sirius grabbed the bottle off the floor, pouring two heavy cups he handed one to Remus. “Drink” he ordered as he pressed his glass to his lips. Remus did as Sirius ‘requested’, throwing the empty glass into the wall. 

“Explain?” Sirius asked again. 

“She helps me relax - you know let off some steam” Remus replied, truth heavy on his tongue. Sirius blinked. 

“Are you shagging?” James’s voice was confused, he was looking at Lily but Remus answered. 

“No. No were not. I-its not” he stuttered over the words. 

“Then why wouldn’t you tell me?” Sirius asked, standing to join James as he moved towards Remus who had been slowly backing out of the room. 

“Cause you’d make me stop,” Remus said truthfully. 

 “I-i wouldn’t..why would..oh..” Sirius stumbled over the words, answering his own question as he uttered it. The bruises. 

She’d said she’d fallen - an accident at training, someone had grabbed her too hard. She’d said it the hand print around her neck belonged to Willmore. 

Sirius had beaten him bloody. 

No. It wasn’t, Remus wouldn’t. He couldn’t. Remus was a softy, he wore knitted jumpers and kissed Sirius on the forehead - he would never hurt someone like that, especially not with Lily. 

Remus shook his head, trying to move past Sirius. 

He couldn’t just leave. Sirius wouldn’t let him.  

He raised his palms pushing Remus back. The lanky boy stumbled but stayed standing, his face a picture of fury that Sirius wished he could paint. 

He’d hurt Lily; Lily who had done nothing but take care of them. Lily who had protected them. Defended them. Trusted them.

Remus was looking at his feet. Toes covered by pale pink socks, they were fluffy and Sirius hated him.

He had. 

There was no question as he gazed at Remus now - he had. 

“How could you?” Sirius asked, voice absent of anything. 

 Remus said nothing. 

His first hit landed square in Remus’s jaw. 

His second just below his collarbone, and the third straight into his ribs. 

“I don’t know you” Sirius said quietly, blinking at the stranger he slept next to. “You do” Remus had begged, tears falling from his eyes. 

“Why Remus? Why? After everything she did for you?..” Sirius swallowed, words lodged in his throat. “..why would you hurt her?”

“I-i just needed..to..it’s..i..Just needed her to..hurt..needed her to stay.. I don't know.” Remus stumbled over his words and Sirius blinked twice. 

“You hurt her.” It was a fact and Sirius would state it like one. Remus nodded, shame painting his face. “I-i know that Lily..I know..b-but she always..she d-did it for..me” 

Sirius slid his hand to his scalp, running his fingers through his long hair. Of course. - of course, she had let him. “She didn't even fight back did she?”

Remus shook his head, there were tears in his eyes

“You're a monster,” He said the words he knew would cut deeper than any knife ever could. Remus blinked and Sirius crushed his lips to his.

All he could taste was blood and salt. The taste of whiskey hidden in layers of regret and anger. Sirius didn’t care. His teeth smashed against Remus’s and he relished the way it hurt.   

He pulled away from Remus’s needy lips. Parting his own to spit visceral at the boy with a black eye and bruised lips. 

“Go on then,” Sirius said, eyes blazing as Remus looked at him in confusion. “You're so angry right? Fight me” Sirius snorted like a bull, eyes bounding around the room. Lily was gone, and so was James. He didn't remember them leaving - he didn't care. “Though I must say - I won't just lie back and take it”

Remus said nothing. 

“Fucking pussy” Sirius snarled, letting his fist fly again. 

Remus dodged, landing a hit to Sirius’s side. 

“You hit like a girl” Sirius taunted, waiting for the rage to take Remus over. Waiting for this rage he couldn't contain.

Remus hit him - Hard. The blow landed against Sirius’s jaw with a sicking crunch. 

He spat blood onto the ground, smothering a laugh. 

He hit Remus and Remus hit back. He was stronger than Sirius thought he would be, faster too.  

Remus landed half his hits. 

Sirius landed all of his. 

He didn’t stop until Remus was bleeding. Thick crimson leaked into the cracks in the wooden floor. He didn't get up, laying there panting under Sirius’s weight on top of him. 

Sirius ran his tongue over his molars the taste of blood thick in his mouth. “Fuck” he whispered as he ran his bloodied knuckles through his hair, wincing as it snagged. He climbed to his feet before reaching his hand out to the bloody boy.  Remus took it gladly, allowing Sirius to pull him to his feet. He wobbled slightly and Sirius placed his hand on his hip to steady him. 

Remus looked to him and Sirius was disgusted. His hazel eyes were wide with regret. There was a patch of red blooming on his cheek, it would be bruised by morning. Sirius allowed his gaze to trace the scar dividing Remus’s face. It was an ugly thing. Repaired skin, darker than the rest with wrinkles running across. His nose was crooked and a thick stream of black tar fell from both nostrils. 

His lips were bloody and Sirius wanted to hit him again. 

He kissed him. 

Like he had before, like he had wanted to for years. 

Remus kissed him back.

Blood mixed on their tongues, and Sirius moaned at the feel of Remus’s hands in his hair. They stayed there for a while until Sirius grew urgent and Remus’s legs started shaking. 

Sirius’s fingers tensed where they had buried themselves in Remus’s hair, trapping strands in his fist he yanked the tall boy down to his height. 

Remus blew air through his tense teeth and Sirius tutted. “You shouldn’t have done that.” He said and Remus tried to nod again, stopped only by Sirius’s grip on his hair. 

“What should you have done?” He asked, grip tightening as Remus’s fingers twisted in his shirt. “I-i should have let the anger pass,” Remus said, though it was a half-assed attempt at honesty. Sirius pulled his face closer. 

Their noses were touching, the air circulated between them. Sirius shook his head, amused by Remus’s wide eyes. “You should have come to me” Sirius gently informed him as he forced the brunette to his knees. 

His voice was tender as he watched the flushed boy at his feet. “Now, you’re going to make it up to me.”. 

Remuss eyes turned into saucers and his hands shook.

He nodded and Sirius smiled.