Pure Sinners

‘Where do we go from here”

Lily’s mind was spinning. A heady mix of anxiety and nausea culminated in her gut. She tapped her foot against the floorboards, her eyes locked on the door to James’s room. 

Remus had brought her a coffee, before taking Sirius out of the flat. The drink was cold by now, thick and dark in the mug. Lily sipped at it anyway, debating how James would react to her presence outside his door. 

The creaking of wood brought her back to herself, and she watched silently as James pulled open the door. He looked good. His hair stood on end as he ran his fingers through it, his Pj bottoms were slung low on his hips, red tartan. He wasn't wearing a shirt. 

Lily brought her eyes to his face, looking at the kind relaxed expression on his face, and waited for it to disappear. It hurt when she thought of the way he would look at her now, the same way everyone else did - like they were torn between disgust and disdain. 

James’s eyes caught hers, and he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. His mouth tilted, widening into a tired toothless smile. “Hey” his voice was quiet but the rest of him radiated warmth. 

Lily basked in it. 

 “Hey” her feet knocked against each other as she struggled to find her spine. James’s familiar eyes bounced between the bedroom doors and the hallway leading to the kitchen. 

“They went out” Lily answered James’s silent question. He said nothing for a moment, merely raising his eyebrows before yawning. “No witnesses?” He asked after a beat, suddenly serious.

Lily stumbled over herself, pushing forward into James’s space. “N-no I mean..i-i just..” Lily only managed to regain control of her tongue when James began laughing. 

Lily frowned, trying to hold onto her rage as she stifled her own amusement. “Seriously!“ She huffed out a breath, waiting for James to lose his amusement. 

“I thought you were afraid of me you knob” It was true, and the words themself seemed to such all the joy from the air. She was unsure of why she’d even said it, convinced this would be the reminder that broke the moment - that broke him.  

James tilted his head, thinking hard as he spoke, “Why would I be scared of you?” 

“You saw me kill two people last night!” Her high-pitch was painful even to her own ears. She could feel the beating of her heart, as bile rose up her throat.  

James’s back suddenly straightened, and a smile fell from his face. “Yeah, but you’d never hurt me,” he said, and the surety in his voice made Lily want to prove him wrong. 

James saw through her, looking down his nose at her thunderous face. “Alright, you’re scary, love. I'm terrified, but I happen to know you quite like me.” He was so sure, so confident. Lily felt her blood boil and raised her head to meet his eyes. 

They were so close, she hadn’t really noticed until now, the pull James had on her. It was like gravity, pulling her in, against her better judgement. 

“Say it again” Lily begged, her voice breathy and hopeful.

James frowned, eyebrows pulling so close together they almost touched. “You’re scary?” He repeated confusion evident in his words. Lily shook her head, holding her breath. 

 “Love?” James tried again as he stared helplessly down at the woman in his arms. 

Lily shuddered as the word passed through her, hands reaching out to touch James’s chest. His skin was warm under her fingers. James’s eyes lit from within, curiosity and confidence oozing from every pore as he smirked dangerously. “Is that what you wanted?..” 

Lily's pointer finger ran up the centre of his stomach, tracing every dib and dent. 

James lent forwards, hands brushing over Lily’s hips twice before settling.“..me to call you, love?” Lily could hear the smirk as he spoke, but as his lips brushed the shell of her ear she decided she didn’t care. She nodded her head softly, palm flat over his heart as she moved her nose in line with his. When he spoke again his breath brushed against her own.“Well, why didn’t you say so?” He asked as his other hand raked itself through Lily's wild hair. 

He moved forwards and so did she. They were a centimetre apart, barely any space left and still Lily felt too far. “Love, I’d give you everything, if you’d only ask” His eyes dove into hers. Soft, sinful words whispered like a prayer. 

“Kiss me” she asked, and James did as he’d sworn.

His lips pressed against hers in a kiss so soft Lily thought she had dreamt it. He kissed her again, and again - softer and softer each time. His hands ran the length of her spine. His touch was reverent, careful and slow - as though he were trying to commit every inch of her to memory. 

Lips traced their way along her neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses into her skin. 

He was whispering nonsense. Words so quiet Lily was sure he didn't realise he was speaking. “Beautiful….how can someone so lovely….temptress…deserve this..” Lily struggled to pull her fingers from his hair, the strands wrapped around her. Her hands met the sides of his face, sliding to cup his jaw. She wasted no time. Firm fingers bringing his face back to hers. 

Lily stared at his brown eyes, golden honey in the light. His pupil was blown wide encroaching on the beautiful colour.

James sighed and Lily felt the vibrations pass through him, into her. 

His eyes were shut as he whispered “I’m so fucked”, the pronouncement of it so strong that Lily struggled to find her breath. His jaw clenched and she could feel the grinding of his teeth. He opened his eyes and smiled at her. 

His straight teeth were exposed to the harsh kitchen light as his face tore in two. He just smiled like it was the easiest thing in the world - like she deserved his smile.  

The world crashed down around her, the faded wood of his bedroom door sliding back into view. The chipping blue paint beside it was streaked with scratches. The floor was cold, oak panels bashing against the nerves in her toes.

There was a voice sounding in her head, and a sudden pressure on her chest, weighing her down. Her breathing was ragged, each one like molasses in her mouth. 

She turned, and suddenly realising she could, pushed James away. She didn't wait for his reaction but pushed through the thickening treacle around her into the safety of her room. 

He was calling after her, his feet a booming sound behind her head. Lily ignored him, pushing her legs faster. 

She reached her bed as James crossed the threshold. 

Her palms pressed hard into her face, and Lily relished the spots as they coloured the space behind her eyelids. “Lily?” James’s presence was overwhelming, the very sent of him surrounding her as he kneeled before her. He raised his hand, the touch of it oppressive in her cavernous mind. 

Her flinch was loud in the quiet room. James pulled his hand back without pause. Lily felt the shame rise within her, weighing her down.

Shame over her life; the things that she had done and those that had been done to her. Shame over things she’d said and those she had buried deep enough that the desire to say them had disappeared.

James pulled on her wrists, fingers gentle as they encircled her skin. Lily let them fall, blinking until his shape became clear.  “Are you okay?” concern laced his voice, his fingers running up and down her forearms. 

Lily felt her heart skip, the rot seeping out into her blood.

“D-did I do something wrong?” He stuttered as his hand flexed against her. 

“No” she whispered at the only volume she could manage. Her throat was dry and every breath scratched her raw. James’s gaze was set on her face but she refused to look at him. She feared what he’d see in her eyes, and what she’d see in his.

 “What happened?” His fingers resumed their journey across her arms, swirling circles against her wrists. 

“I-i..” The words lodged themselves in her dry throat and Lily ached for water. 

The ache was sharp. 

It hurt to speak

It hurt to breath

It hurt to think  

Lily felt James’s callused fingers as they brushed the darkened skin under her eyes. He was still kneeling before her, but he was closer now. His left hand cradled hers in her lap as his right brushed teardrops from her face. 

She was crying. 

James was speaking to her; indistinct words in a language Lily couldn’t understand. She blinked. “Hey, you’re back,” he said as his hand flexed in hers. “You're okay” His voice was soothing, and she found herself wanting to believe him. “ You had a panic attack,” James said as his right hand moved to join his left in her lap. 

It was too much, his kindness, her weakness. 

The voice in her head screamed.

Lily snatched her hands away from James’s and moved further onto the bed, crossing her legs in front of her. She pretended not to notice the hurt pass over James’s face at her rejection. 

“I’m sorry about all that…” Her voice wasn't hers, strange even to her own ears. “But I’m fine now, you needn’t worry yourself” James looked confused at her swift change in behaviour, Lily hoped he wouldn’t press her on it. Her fingers pressed into each other, crossing over at the bend.

“You’re obviously not fine..” James said sternly as he sat across from her. 

Lily uncrossed her fingers. 

“I don’t need you” her voice was sharp. Brutal.

James blinked, “Of course you don’t need me but I want to help” The ache began anew and Lily held the flinch close to her chest.

 “Let me help love” he asked softly and Lily wanted to laugh at his use of the name she had pleaded for mere minutes ago. Love sounded different from James’s lips. It sounded like something honest, it sounded like it could be real. Lily found her lips moving before she could stop them “I don’t know how”. 

James frowned at her words and for a moment Lily contemplated killing him simply so she wouldn’t have to deal with the embarrassment flowing through her body.

 “I don’t know how you can help” she clarified.  James nodded “Do you want to talk about what happened back there?” he said pointing to the closed door. Lily wanted to laugh at how awkward they both were but she didn’t. In fact for the first time in longer than she could remember Lily did nothing. She didn’t leave, she didn’t tell James to go and she didn’t stop herself from telling the truth. “Y-you were just so gentle” she confessed, voice more desperate than she’d meant. “I was too gentle?..” James repeated a question in there somewhere. “Did..did you want me to be rough?” He asked and Lily could keep the answer in her mouth. “No,” she said quickly, the word reclaiming some of the strength she had been missing. 

She didn’t want him to be rough, she didn’t want him to be anything he wasn’t. 

James was kind, he was soft - he was the kind of boy who held you’re hair as you threw up. He was the kind of man who scolded you as he bandaged your wounds - he was gentle. 

She tried to push the realisation from her mind with images of him being cruel. She pictured him beating Dursley until the man lost consciousness and then beating him some more. She pictured him fighting Sirius in the ring and how his hits had been hard enough to kill. 

It didn’t work, she knew deep down James was a good person. 

A person with his own sense of justice and moral code, perhaps, but he had been kind to her - in a way Lily didn’t think anyone ever had. 

“You are perfect,” Lily said quietly. 

James flushed, a dark pink lighting up his cheeks and suddenly Lily's embarrassment was gone.

“No one had ever been as kind to me as you” she told him honestly and she watched as James’s face shifted.

“W-what?” He questioned as his eyebrows touched.

 “I mean Sirius and Remus have been kind to me obviously but it’s different. They had reasons to be kind to me - at least at first. You didn’t..” Lily was rambling now but she couldn’t bring herself to stop. The floodgates had opened and she needed to get it out before they closed again. “..but you were so kind to me. On jobs, after I got you in trouble, on my birthday…” she looked up at him, finally prepared for those hazel eyes. 

He looked at her as though he were really seeing her - all of her. 

Who she had been, who she was, who she could be if someone just let her.   

He looked at it all and didn’t even blink. 

“You’re a good man James Brown” His smile faltered slightly, but his eyes didn’t look away from hers. 

“Do you remember our conversation in the alley?” He asked as though she could forget. Lily nodded unable to look away. “I’d like my kiss now…if that’s alright” he added awkwardly. Lily couldn’t help herself. She pushed forward, all her energy used in pressing her lips against his. 

She felt dizzy as he parted her pink lips and kissed her deeper. 

His pace was still slow but the way he spoke using only his lips had her panting. James moved to pull away and she quickly threaded her arms around his neck - he kissed her again, and again. Her toes curled against the bed sheet and Lily wondered if there was a way for them to do nothing but this until they died. “God Lils, you're incredible” James mumbled against her skin and Lily giggled. 

James smiled and kissed her again. “I have never met anyone more perfect than you, love” he said and Lily could detect no lie in the words. “I’d do anything for you Lily” James breathed the words, a promise sealed in a kiss.  

Sirius was ruing her good mood.  He’d walked in that afternoon with a frown and had taken every available opportunity to draw attention to his sullen attitude. Lily didn't know what had happened, but it must have had something to do with Remus. She did her best to stay out of it. Sirius sighed again - louder this time and Lily's eye twitched. 

 They were currently watching some show Lily didn’t recognise as they waited for ‘Name That Tune’ to start on the BBC. Remus still hadn’t returned, and Lily was beginning to get worried - it was unlike him to stay out on his own, especially not after an argument with Sirius. 

Sirius sighed again and the can in Lily's hand crumpled. “Shit,” she said as she stood wiping beer off her PJ top as Sirius laughed. James jumped up, hurrying out of the room. Lily glared at Sirius, turning back to catch the cloth James threw at her. 

“Thanks” Lily smiled, dabbing at the stain. 

“OH MY GOD!” Sirius’s voice was loud, echoing across the room as his eyes shot between Lily and James. 

Lily flinched in anticipation, her palms sweaty against the cloth.

“You guys watched Rocky Horror without me?!” He exclaimed holding up the DVD case containing the film Lily and James had watched earlier. 

Lily sighed, catching James’s relieved stare in the corner of her eye.  James’s had been more than willing to publicly label whatever they were and whilst Lily had found it kind of sweet. It was very stupid. She reminded him of Riddle’s warning and he had suddenly been very okay with the secrecy. 

They had agreed they would tell Remus and Sirius as they could be trusted with the sensitive information but Lily was definitely not having that conversation twice (and it appeared James felt the same). 

She came out of her thoughts to find Sirius still talking “Seriously? You know this movie is basically about me and you watch it without me! You call yourself my sister and yet you watch my favourite film without me” he was now clutching at his heart whilst simultaneously wiping away fake tears from his face. 

James laughed and quickly tried to placate the toddler screaming in the living room. “It’s alright mate, we can watch it again” he offered and Lily cringed at how easily her (boyfriend? Boy_friend? Friend?) had fallen for Sirius’s trap. She smiled indulgently as Sirius jumped for joy and settled onto the sofa - at least he had stopped sulking. 

An hour and a half later when the front door opened and Remus stepped in Lily's felt all the joy in her evaporate. He entered the room like always - said hello to everyone, made fun of Sirius's obsession with Rocky Horror and then excused himself for an early night. Lily stared at his retreating back, searching the space for answers she already knew. 

“Hey..” James whispered as he knocked her ribs with his elbow “you alright?” He asked and Lily's sudden ability to tell the truth vanished. “Yeah, just remembered I had to ask Remus about one of the formulas they used in the latest ‘times science section” she spoke until James looked thoroughly confused and then quietly slipped out of the room - unseen by Sirius as he sang along to ‘the sword of Damocles’. 

As she walked quickly down the dark hallway towards Remus’s bedroom Lily prayed she was wrong. He had just been tired, that’s all - he’d been sober for weeks. He couldn’t be - no, no of course he wasn’t - it was simply a trick of the light that’s all. 

She wrapped one hand around the door handle and pushed.

Remus was sat on the floor, eyes vacant. To his left was a plastic bag - empty. 

Lily shut the door behind her and knelt down beside Remus. His hand reached out sharply and dragged her fully onto the wooden floor. Lily wondered briefly which Remus she was currently seeing and then she questioned which one she’d prefer. 

Remus was usually happy after a hit. He would smile and speak nonsense as Lily tried to laugh along with tears in her eyes. Sometimes she found her presence unwanted. Remus cursed her nosiness before attempting to kick her out of his room - she wouldn’t leave. This always made him angry but she didn’t care - she’d rather he hit her a couple of times than drown in his own sick. She often pictured him as he hit her, dying quietly on the floor - convulsing with no one to save him. 

She pictured it more since the overdose. 

She wasn’t even supposed to be home. 

It had been a complete fluke that she’d finished her job early and walked home to find him on the floor of the kitchen. His eyes had been white like milk and the veins in his forehead were beating outside of his skin. She didn’t even remember calling the ambulance, or getting in it, or bribing the first responders to admit him under a pseudonym. She remembered his angry face when he finally woke up two days later. How he had cursed her, how he had thrown her into the wall opposite the door, how he had needed to be sedated by the nurse. 

Lily remembered the pity on the old woman’s face as she had spoken “It’s not you’re job to save him” -  Lily had laughed in her face and asked for another caregiver immediately. 

When he woke up the next time he had cried and apologised until the word sorry lost all its meaning - he had told her he would be careful from now on. He had promised he would be smart about it, he had sworn they wouldn’t be here again and Lily had believed him. 

She had believed him because she wanted to. 

‘So fucking soft’

The words bounced around her head, violent and man-ish between her ears.   

She shook her head, ignoring the burn of the words as she focused on Remus in front of her. 

“Hey” Her voice was soft, and she pushed her hand out in front of her until it hovered above his arm. She wouldn’t touch him first. Remus smiled - the kind of smile she only ever saw when he was high, the smile that never failed to make Lily feel small. “Cariad Bach” he said, and Lily nodded as though she understood

 “how you feeling?” She asked as he yanked her hand from the air. 

“I feel great.” He told her honestly and she fought the urge to roll her eyes.

 “How’d you know?” He asked and Lily actually did roll her eyes.

 “Magic,” she said and Remus nodded solemnly. 

“Why today?” She asked not expecting an answer. 

He shrugged “Why not, I already broke the streak” he tilted his head as though to gauge her reaction. Lily felt her muscles seise as her breathing stopped.

“It so strange when you do that…” Remus said, referencing the thing they’d all unanimously agreed never to speak of. “…Reminded me of a deer, you know like right before you hit it?..” He asked not waiting for a response “..they look at you, all tiny and scared and then SPLAT” he threw the hand holding Lily's into his open palm - mimicking the car crash in question. He snorted and lowered his hands again.

 “They don’t freeze because there scared..” Lily had spoken before she even realised she was going to. Remus tilted his head, a silent request for her to go on. “Deer see really well in the dark..they adjust for it. Night vision you know?.. Anyway, the bright light hits their dilated pupils and they can’t see until their eyes adjust…” Lily paused unsure of why this was so difficult for her to say “..they freeze because they're adjusting. They’re taking in all the parts of their surroundings before they act”. The silence was oppressive but Remus broke it easily. 

“Is that why you do it?” He asked and Lily wondered whether she should lie. 

“No,” she said before swiftly changing the topic.

 “When did you break it?” She asked and Remus frowned “The night you left,” he said and guilt burned its way into Lily's bloodstream. She nodded, she wanted to apologise but she knew Remus likely wouldn’t remember it and if he did, she didn’t want her apology distorted.

“Where’d you get it?” She asked and Remus smiled. 

“Split my take from Mulcuber in two. Knew you’d find it” his voice was venomous but Lily didn’t care. He looked so proud, so happy to have tricked her. “Oh Remus” she whispered as she lent her head against the wall. 

“Don’t you want to know who this ones frommmm” he sing-songed drunkenly. Lily blinked, unable to follow his ramblings. “Who’s it from?” She asked without preamble. “Huh huh. ask me nicely,” he said as he lent forward. 

“Who was it Remus” Lily ordered and someone else smirked using Remus’s mouth. 

“Riddle.” He said voice steady. 

“W-what” Lily stuttered over the words, unsure how Remus was lying in his state. “Riddle gave it to me, said I should tell you something,” he said as he turned his body towards her. 

Lily's mind was blank, stuck on Riddle’s name. It was absurd. Surely, Remus was confused, what did Riddle get out of giving Remus drugs? He was the one who had ensured Lily's request for blacklisting him stuck. 

“What was the message?” Lily asked urgency in her voice. He couldn’t know, she’d been careful. Well except that one time in the medical wing but no one had seen her. No one but the boys. 

Remus frowned and brought his hand up to his temple. “He, ummm” his voice was far away as he racked his brain for the answer. “He said stop digging.” he finished, obviously proud of remembering the message he was supposed to deliver.

 “Fuck.” The word slipped out of Lily's head unbidden.  He knew. 

Lily wasn’t surprised he had found out, nothing happened that Riddle wasn't aware of but she had hoped she’d have been closer to an answer by the time he did. 

“Where did you get the shovel?” Remus asked genuinely interested and Lily laughed. She couldn't help it, the sound forced out of her by Remus’s absurdity. “Don’t worry about it” she told him gently. 

They sat there for a few hours as Lily listened to the TV stop and the quiet murmurs of James and Sirius as they headed to bed. Eventually, Remus began to get sleepy and Lily tucked him into bed - placing a few pillows against his back so he couldn’t roll over in the night. After setting up the makeshift wall she glanced at the alarm clock by Remus’s bed - 2am.

Lily sighed, might as well get it over with. She didn’t bother writing a note, Remus would know where she went whenever he woke up and if she didn’t come back he’d tell Sirius where to collect her corpse. 

The drive out to Ivy house only took about 20 minutes but it cost Lily £35 due to the time of night and the fact her driver thought she “looked like trouble” (to be fair to the man, she did) so she slipped him an extra five as she jumped out of the car onto the worn stone drive with ’No entry’ pasted across the iron gates. She waited for the driver to turn out of the drive before she allowed her shoulders to drop.

She slipped quietly between the gap in the iron fences, not bothering to pick the lock on the chain holding them together. Lily walked with ease up the stone drive, avoiding all the potholes and signposts with a precision borne from experience. As she reached the front door she carefully picked up the third potted plant in the row and smashed it on the stone steps. 

A silver house key lay buried in the roots of the dying plant - She grabbed the key, wiping it on her blue jeans before slotting it into the keyhole. The lock turned easily and the door creaked open. Lily forced down a shudder as the chill from the house burst through the opening; Lily had often complained as a child that Ivy's house had been too cold, she had said it felt like death. 

As she stepped into the foyer and then further into the atrium, Lily found herself agreeing with her younger self. 

The glass above her head was dirty having not been cleaned since her departure from the house many years ago and cracks littered the tempered glass, obscuring the night sky. Lily shook her head and continued walking towards the drawing room. Time felt different in Ivy house, everything moved slower. Riddle used to tell her the house was alive and as Lily's felt eyes roam across her back in the empty room she wondered if he had been telling the truth.

The drawing room hadn’t changed at all. The suffocating red walls caged a small fire and a few loungers, Lily saw a small collection of stuffed animals scattered in the corner of the room. Dust was thick on the shelf, but the teddies themselves were pristine. She fought the urge to touch them.

 “I was wondering when you were going to appear” Riddle’s voice boomed out from the chair closest to the fireplace.  Lily fought down the rising wave of panic, “I was busy taking care of my friend. Who you sold drugs to” Her voice was too emotional, Riddle would have to be blind not to hear her clenched jaw. Lily stepped forward, eyes adjusting to the small fire that illuminated the hearth. Riddle tutted as he waved his hand towards the lounge chair opposite him. “Now, now Kitten. I didn’t sell him drugs - I gave him some heroin - A gift if you will” his voice was taunting and Lily wanted to kill him.

 She wanted him dead. 

It was not the first time Lily had wished for Riddle’s death, it was however the first time she pictured herself ending his life. She often imagined herself torturing the man, usually something involving a knife, it was his fault she was so good with one after all, but she never killed him - someone else stepping in at the last minute and ending it. But now as she pictured it in this moment - she killed him.

It was quick, quicker than he deserved, a bullet to the brain. 

No last words, dead. 

“Please, Lily I didn’t mean to upset you. Have a seat” he ordered, and Lily sat. She looked down to her bouncing knee and carefully tucked her left leg behind her right. Riddle tutted again - upset with her brash display of emotion. He was always upset with her emotions.

Lily forced herself to breathe through her nose - in and out. The shaking stopped and Lily's face resumed its resting state.

 “That’s better, now shall we discuss this like adults?” Riddle asked as he lent back in his chair. Lily nodded and waited for Riddle to ask her to speak. 

“Now, why don’t you tell me what you were doing snooping through my files and then we can discuss my actions regarding the junkie” his voice was toneless and Lily ignored the word - picturing instead his head hitting the floor, bullet in brain and a look of pure surprise forever on his face. 

“Lily!..” Riddle all but growled her name, forcing her eyes to his snarl.

“Tell me what you know of Albus Dumbledore”