Pure Sinners

Lily awoke to a heavy weight above her. Panic coursed through her veins as her arm shot out from beneath her pillow. Sirius barely blinked at the knife to his throat. 

“It’s Christmas,” he said as if this explained his insane discussion to wake her. Remus appeared in the doorway to her bedroom, his hair messy about his temples. “Did..ya..r.e..aly..think..th..at was the..be..st way to..wake her?” he asked through a long series of yawns. Sirius’s face flushed and he clambered off Lily with the kind of grace one often found in newborn deer. One standing Sirius smiled, repeating “It’s Christmas!”

Lily pulled herself out of her cosy bed, pushing her feet into a pair of slippers. “Is it? I’ve not been told” she said sarcastically and Remus smirked at her. “It is..” He said before continuing “don’t know why he’s so bloody excited. Not like we have gifts” his voice was sulky and Lily raised an eyebrow. 

“You didn’t!” Remus sounded surprised, watching her with thoughtful eyes.

 Lily shrugged “Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t..” She stepped around him into the open doorway. 

“First one there” she yelled as she tore down the hallway.

 “No fair!” came a cry behind her, accompanied by the sound of rapid footfalls.

Remus reached the kitchen table first - mainly due to Sirius tackling Lily to the ground - so as per-tradition he got the biggest slice. “Where are the elephants?” James asked as he appeared in the kitchen doorway. Neither Lily nor Sirius answered him, both watching intently as another forkful found its way into Remus’s mouth. 

“Is that cake?” James asked incredulously. Remus nodded as he wiped his lips on his sleeve “Indeed” he said as he slid the cake towards Sirius, not missing the opportunity to run his hand over Sirius’s as he did so. Lily heart stuttered at the display, the casual nature of it.

Sirius moaned loudly around his fork and Lily blinked quickly as she turned to James. 

“It’s a tradition. We don’t do Christmas presents so instead I buy the cheapest cake in the store and we eat it for breakfast” she told him he sat next to her.

 “Why don’t you do presents?” He asked gesturing to the jar on the counter “..I mean you can afford it. Even if it’s something small.. or you could..you..know..” He trailed off and Sirius spoke with his mouthful. “‘Cause we couldn’t always...and as for… it’s a risk. Not easy, especially at Christmas.” 

Lily tampered down the guilt as her birthday presents flickered through her mind. An unnecessary risk, that's what she’d told Sirius, but he’d done it anyway. 

 Sirius raised his hand, pointing to the jar next to the kettle. “Better to save that anyway, you never know when the next job is gonna be… unless you’re Lily” He said it with a shrug but the resentment was clear. Lily kept the flinch hidden but as she made eye contact with Remus she knew it was too late. 

“When?” he asked and both Sirius and James turned to look at her. 

“Wha?..” Sirius began before Remus cut him off “We’ve got a job” he said and Lily sighed as she shoved the cake towards James. “No, we don’t…” she said continuing only when Remus raised an eyebrow at her “I do”.

 He leaned forward so quickly Lily thought he might have given himself whiplash “is it..?” He asked quietly as Lily shook her head. She waited until she saw some of the tension bleed from his shoulders before she spoke again. 

“Some event Riddle’s hosting up in Hatfield. Should only be a few hours” she said unable to keep the question out of her voice. 

Sirius frowned “Are you sure it's not..” He began but Lily wouldn’t let him finish “It’s not!”. 

James looked confused but Lily would not explain it to him. She liked him, truly she did but they still didn’t know him - it takes more than a few drinks and a game of laser tag for her to spill her whole life story. Sirius nodded taking her word as gospel, Remus looked less convinced but he said nothing. All three boys looked at each other before looking back to her and speaking. 

“I’ll go with you” they all offered at the same time and Lily felt as though she’d been hit with a brick. 

It wasn’t a strange thing for Sirius to offer to accompany her, and even Remus offered when he was worried but James was offering to join her on a job he knows nothing about, for what - because he cares?

Lily shook her head. He didn’t know her - he couldn’t possibly care, he likely just wanted more opportunities to get in good with Riddle. She looked up to the boy on her brain.

 “Thank you all but I’ll go alone” she said ignoring the offended looks of her boys. 

“I really don’t mind coming” James said as he slid her the last piece of cake. Lily looked at the white plate and quickly slid it in front of Remus, hoping to appease his temper. She stood as she spoke “It’s not a big deal. I’ll only be a few hours and I’ll give you a recap when I get back” Her words appeared to please Remus as the remaining tension fled his body, and he began shovelling the last of the cake into his mouth. Turning her back to the table she called over he shoulder “Don’t be such worrywarts. ”  

As Lily walked through the living room she noticed a brown parcel propping open the fire escape. She approached slowly, ready to yell to her team in the unlikely event the box was a bomb. The package was rather large, with ‘Lily’ written in capitals on the top. She picked it up carefully and carried it into her room.

 Lily plucked a blade from her bedside table and quickly cut the box open. A small square of paper lay on to of a bundle of green, she read it quickly before ripping it to shreds and placing it in the waste paper basket. 

The dress was long and thankfully not too revealing. It had a v-neck cut - low but not tacky. The fabric was soft and obviously expensive, the package also contained a diamond necklace (which Lily assumed was real) and a book. She spent a long time looking at the book before she could bring herself to touch it. 

The brown leather binding felt cool in her sweaty palms. ‘Ozma of OZ’. It was the first book she ever bought for herself, after one of her first real solo jobs. Riddle had helped her pick it. She quickly opened the cover searching for her name in the corner - it was there in the right-most corner. 

Lily blinked, a large bloodstain permeated the paper, covering almost the whole title page. Lily couldn’t help but stare - it looked so fresh. The blood still held a rose hue and Lily thought if she reached out to touch it her finger would come away the same shade. It was her's she was sure of it.

She had lost the book the night Peter attacked her. 

A note was scribbled over the blood, the pencil making it hard to read.

‘I have a surprise for you tonight. I hope you find it as entertaining as I have'. - TR

Riddle had found Peter.

He had done it. Riddle had found Peter, and dragged him out of whatever hole he had hidden in. He’d brought him back.

Riddle would kill him. Tonight, the party a mere showcase of Riddles's power.  Nausea swirled in her gut, eyes picturing Peter’s corpse. There was something else there, some emotion she couldn't decipher. 

Riddle was going to claim a kill that should have been hers. 

She was suddenly very glad she had told the boys she would go alone - she didn’t want them to witness this. She didn’t want anyone to witness it. She wanted to take him to some desolate rail route and tie him to the tracks. She’d leave him there and he would die alone and unmourned. 

 Except she didn’t get to have that.

Peter’s death would become legend, and the Death Eaters would whisper of it for years. 

Lily gritted her teeth as she walked towards the bathroom. She often showered when she thought of him, the warmth of the water soothing the ache that emanated from her chest.

In the beginning, when the wound was still fresh she had stood under the water for hours. It had only been a few days and Remus had been outside, talking to her. Eventually Remus noticed Lily hadn’t answered. 

She had tried but she couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t speak, she was still there under him and she couldn’t get out. 

Remus had knocked again and then broken down the door. He had found her on the floor of the shower staring at something he couldn’t see. He had wrapped her in a towel and carried her too bed. Though Lily didn't remember. He said she didn’t move for days, not until Sirius returned from his trip home. They hadn't spoken of it after that, the timing never really right.  

Remus had cried the night Sirius came back and she couldn’t tell whether his tears were for her or himself. Perhaps they were for them both. She was grateful Remus had enough tears to spare for her. 

Remus often did that -Lily thought as she squeezed out some of Sirius’s shampoo- Cry for her. 

It wasn’t that Lily didn’t cry - she did, often. Though it was rarely for herself; she would cry for Sirius and how his family still haunt him, she would cry for Remus and his scars, she would cry for the pain she was causing them and the stress she put them under. Sometimes she cried for the pain - when Riddle would punish her, she would cry. Because it was what he wanted, because it hurt because it was what she’d always done.  

She wondered if Peter would cry, though she knew the answer. Part of her relished the idea of his death and wanted him to feel the fear she had. She needed him to know what he had put her through, the shame she felt. She wanted him to regret every minute of his pitiful existence and beg for death. 

The party was horrid.

It was full of people Lily didn’t know and had no desire to speak to.

They all knew her - she wasn’t exactly unnoticeable with her ginger hair and bright green dress. 

She found her way back to the bar for the 3rd time since her arrival. “Whiskey. Neat.” She said not bothering to hand the bartender a tip - the way he was staring at her chest convinced her she’d already given him more than enough. 

The sound of clinking glass forced her to turn her head towards Riddle. He stood tall and powerful in his tailored suit in the middle of the ballroom. 

“If I could have your attention please” his soft voice carried through the silent room “could we have a warm welcome for our guest of honour”. 

Lily surveyed the room and concluded most of the people knew what was about to take place. A few people began clapping lightly, humouring Riddle's request. Lily’s eyes met Malfoy’s. His bloodlust was evident and she wondered if hers was too. 

Riddle stood looking like a perfect gentleman as two of his lackeys dragged Peter in by his arms. His blonde hair contained patches of red and his face was covered in bright blue bruises. His arms had a few lacerations running towards his shoulders and judging by the bloodstain on his shirt the wounds didn't stop there. The henchmen dropped Peter in the middle of the room as though he were a drunkard leaving a bar. 

“Now, gentlemen I believe in honest retribution. I am nothing if not fair am I..” He asked and murmurs of agreement rang through the hall. “..and because I am such a fair man. I will allow the ones wronged by Mr Pettigrew to be his punishers.” He finished magnanimously. 

 Large portions of the crowd were shocked at this declaration and more were wondering who would get to kill the ruined man on the floor. 

“Mr Black” Riddle called out, sending the chattering audience quiet. 

Sirius’s father walked confidently towards the sobbing boy on the floor. His hair was the same onyx as his son even as his wrinkled face showed no trace of Sirius’s signature smile. His cane was resting loosely in his hand, a thick silver stick that made a thudding sound as he raised it over his head and began striking the man by his feet. 

“Mr Black, won’t you tell us how Mr Pettigrew wronged you?” Riddle asked as Black Sr’s face paled. Knowing he could not refuse, the audience waited with bated breath for the renowned man to speak. 

“He..stole..funds..from..my..family..estae” Black Sr declared punctuating every word with the sound of his cane hitting Peter's battered flesh. Riddle nodded and waved his hand for Black Sr to continue. “He..killed..three..of..the..manors..dogs..which..cost..most..than..his..wretched..life” Sirius’s father continued not pausing for breath “And..he..attacked..my..wife..in..her..own..home.” the crowd cheered as his final strike hit Peter in the head and the man spewed bile onto the tiled floor. 

Lily absorbed the information greedily, wondering just what had possessed Peter to challenge Sirius’s family.

“Very good” Tom applauded as Black Sr walked back into the throng of guests. Lily's eyes followed him as he accepted a glass of champagne from a pretty serving girl on his right. His eyes refused to meet hers and Lily refocused on Riddle's voice. 

“Mr Rosier” Riddle called next and the man stepped out quickly. His smile was feral as he pulled on his knuckle dusters - the gold metal matching the false canines in his mouth. “This scumbag jacked my car,” he said before throwing his fist into Peter’s jaw as he lay defenceless on the floor. 

Lily took in the man, who she believed to be Pandora’s brother. He was tall, broad but with the same pale hair as his sister. “He blew it up” he added between punches. Lily could feel the audience lean forward interested in the story as though they didn’t know the ending already. “Blew up my fucking car. and then left it in a ditch for the pigs to find. Nearly got me arrested” He said and Lily thought it a shame he hadn’t been. 

“Thank you” Riddle said and Rosier punched the man once more before stepping into the wings. 

“P-please no m-more” begged the half-comatose boy on the floor as Lily stepped forward. “Kitten, yes I thought you’d like to go last” Riddle said as she all but ran at the worm on the floor.

 Quickly pulling a knife from her thigh Lily straddled the writhing man on the ground. She moved quickly pining his right arm under her and leaving his left outstretched. She pressed her knife into his flesh as he began screaming, the sound only causing her knife to press harder under his skin. 

“Now, now Lily. You must speak you’re truth as you punish him. It’s only fair” Riddle said as Lily finished carving the first letter. 

“He lied to me” Lily whispered as she began the next.

 “Louder Lily” Riddle snapped. He was goading her - she knew but she couldn’t help pressing her knife deeper into Peter’s skin. 

“He lied to me,” She said over his screaming. Her voice carried across the room but her tone remained calm despite her harsh knife strokes.

 “He used me. He betrayed me” Her fingers twitched, pulling the knife away from his bleeding flesh for a second as she looked into his tear-filled eyes. 

“He tried to kill me” Lily's voice carried across the now silent room. Even Peter had stopped his wailing under her cold tone.

It wasn’t enough. None of it was enough.

 “He tried to kill me and he failed” Lily flicked the knife around her knuckles, moving further up Peters's battered form to his face. Lily grinned, pushing the sharpened tip under his ear as Peter screamed. She didn't stop pushing harder until she had separated the offending skin from his skull. 

Peter’s left ear fell to the floor with a sickening slap. 

“I trusted you,” she told the bleeding boy as she moved her knife back to his arm. “I helped you.” She whispered through the air trapped in her lungs. The knife skidded in his skin, sticking on the tendons she was pressing into. 

“You're a traitor Peter Pettigrew” Lily bit out as she pulled the knife away from his twitching arm.

 He was Remus’s friend first. 

A fellow Ghost he had met during some of his first runs, he had been young but older than both her and Sirius.  Lily had thought him sweet if a little shy. They had welcomed him with open arms, free of suspicion - when she looked back upon her actions she was appalled. 

STUPID.

STUPID

STUPID 

He had been thankful for their kindness and brought them tokens of his appreciation: Booze for Sirius, Chocolate for Remus and books for Lily. 

They had gorged themselves like greedy children, unaware of the witch in the gingerbread house. After a while, he began to ask for favours, just small ones at first. 

“Sirius, will you grab my coat from headquarters I left it there earlier and have to run to town?”  

“Lily can you make me a cup of tea and some toast, I haven’t eaten”

Then the favours started to get bigger:

“Remus can you do this run for me, I don’t feel up to it”

“Sirius, talk to Riddle for me, won’t you?”

As she looked at him now, she hardly recognised him. His face was bloody and bruised but beyond that he looked different. His jawline was stronger and his nose crooked - the space where his ear should be was nothing more than a bloody hole. His eyes were cold as he looked at her. 

He was a cockroach. Moving from one thing to the next, looking for the highest reward - the best protection. Lily still doesn't know who asked him to kill her.

She remembered how she had laughed at first, thinking he was joking. They were at his flat, Sirius was out of town, Remus was in the kitchen and Peter was standing there with a knife. 

“What are you doing” Lily’s words had slurred together, eyes focused on HER knife in Peters's hand. Her reactions were slower than they should’ve been, she realised as she tried to stand. 

Even now she has no idea what he put in her drink that night, doesn’t know when he slipped it to her - but she knows that she never wants to feel like that again.

Her movements were slow, like a toddler learning to walk from scratch.  Peter beat her to the door with ease, locking it quickly as Lily wondered what he was doing. 

He had laughed when she asked him, the sound echoed in her ears for weeks afterwards.*

She doesn’t remember much after that. Just the feeling of blows against her body and the sound of Remus pounding at the door. Her throat was sore and Remus told her later that she’d been screaming but Lily was sure she’d turned to stone the moment Peter touched her. She couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. She wasn’t breathing - she was nothing. Floating in an endless void filled with empty laughter.

She does remember the pain of a knife bringing everything into focus. He was above her, eyes wide as he stared at the knife embedded in her chest. It was a bad wound, lower than it should have been, and a little too central. He pulled the knife out and Lily thought she was going to die. That his face, twisted with rage, would be the last she ever saw. Remus had forced the door open as Peter fled out the bedroom window onto the street below. 

Taking her knife and her favourite book with him.

Lily remembered Remus rushing in, his foot moving forward as though to chase the rat. She had been so touched at that - Half a step meaning more than any word he uttered upon seeing her. Lily dealt with any injury sustained during their missions, she was also one of 5 Death Eaters with unrestricted access to the medical wing. Remus was not medically trained and his hands were heavy as he dug the sewing needle under her skin, forcing the sides of her chest back together. He was crying as he did so and Lily had to place her hand above his to keep it steady.

 “It’s okay,” she told him again as she tied the final knot herself before sitting. The world blackened quickly, and Remus carried her home. He wasn't sure she’d make it, but she had, somehow. He forced a lot of pills down her throat and Lily slept, moving in and out of consciousness. 

“L-Li…ly..” the corpse at her feet called her name as if it had the right. Lily looked to Riddle who shook his head, she rose quickly, stamping her heeled foot into Peter’s crotch. He squealed like a mouse in a trap and Lily didn’t fight the smile as it spread across her face. 

She didn’t return the crowd. Instead heading for the large oak doors at the edge of the room. She didn't want to look back. Didn't want to see what was left of the boy who had been her friend. 

Peter sat in a pool of blood, sick and piss as Riddle held a gun to his temple. He was weeping, whispering promises he couldn’t keep as Riddle laughed. Riddle's eyes locked with her own, and his finger twitched. 

The shot fired and Lily watched as Peter fell - a leaf on a windless day.

She opened the wooden door glancing once more at his outstretched arm. 

Her artwork visible through the thick congealing blood. 

—COWARD—

Everyone was awake when Lily entered through the fire door and she was suddenly very thankful she had take the detour to headquarters to change out of her bloody dress. 

“How was it?” Suspicion was clear in Sirius’s voice as his eyes raked over her form.

 “Was fine” Lily shrugged as she sat on the floor in front of the occupied sofa. She sent a short smile to James who was eyeing her with something aching to concern before asking what they were watching. “It’s this show about..” That was all James managed to get out before Remus spoke.

“You said you’d tell us what happened at the party” his voice was curt and Lily groaned internally. 

She’d said that before Riddle had planned a murder and had been hoping that he may have forgotten. Remus’s expectant face made it clear this was not the case. “Nothing happened. It was boring - filled with old dudes talking about funding” she said noticing James’s interest increase at the word funding. Lily fought the eye-roll, he was an odd one. 

“Really, that’s all?” Remus asked and Lily felt as though she were walking across a minefield. 

“Yes, now who wants a drink?” She asked moving quickly into the kitchen only to find Malfoy sitting at her kitchen table sipping from her coffee mug.

Lily stopped in her tracks as she took in the blood staining his tux - he must have come straight from the party - but why?

 “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention…” came Remus’s sarcastic drawl from behind her “Malfoy came for tea.” He finished as he took a seat at the table opposite the blonde. 

Malfoy smirked as he allowed his eyes to trail her still form. She stared at the Blonde-haired man, mouth parted and mind blank. Sirius and James had entered the room by the time he finally spoke: “you left the party before Riddle could speak to you..” His tone was calm and his eyes calculating “he asked me to pass on the message and I agreed”. Lily thought that if Malfoy had the ability to shrug, he would have done so then. 

“What’s the message?” Lily asked as her gaze flicked between Sirius and Remus.

 “Dunno, he wouldn’t say,” Sirius said as he waved his hand towards the blonde. 

“Why did you leave the party early?” Remus asked suspicion an intrinsic function in his bloodstream. 

“What’s the message?” She repeated turning sharply towards the blonde. Malfoy smiled - he was very much enjoying this.

 “We’ve got a job together” his voice was light, so much so it took a moment for his words to hit her. 

“What?!” All four of them spoke together staring at the blonde with wide eyes. Malfoy sighed as though explaining this was a favour for them.

 “Riddle had a job for you all tomorrow and after he asked me to deliver the message I offered to assist. I thought after our camaraderie tonight you’d appreciate my assistance” he finished looking towards Lily with an expression she assumed he thought resembled hurt.

 Remus hung on Malfoy's every word, pouncing on the new info like a hungry beast. “What camaraderie?” He asked, already studying her. 

Now Lily had no real reason to lie - not really. 

Sirius knew what she did for Riddle but he’d never seen her hurt someone for herself. He thought her better than that, or she hoped he did. 

She could say she wasn’t telling Remus because he would be upset, Peter was his friend after all. But that wasn’t true, she knew Remus wouldn’t be sad Peter was dead in fact he’d likely jump for joy at the coward's demise. 

If she spoke the truth Remus would smile and beg her to recount every detail as they drank cheap Champagne - Lily didn’t think she could stomach the booze nor the story. 

James seemed to be the most reasonable excuse for her omission. He didn’t know about Lily's specialities, nor the darker aspects of the Death Eater. Lily knew he’d find out sooner or later but she didn’t want to tell him. 

She thought briefly that she’d miss the way he looked at her now - like he cared like she was someone worth caring about. To him she was a good person and not a killer - he seemed the type to care about distinctions like that. 

Perhaps she didn’t want them to ask her how she’d done it, or what he’d said. Maybe she didn’t want to take credit for his murder, didn’t want them to wonder what she owed Riddle for his gift. 

It’s possible that it was all of these reasons or none. 

She had no reason to lie but she did anyway.

She rolled her eyes dramatically as though the breath taken to recount the story was more than it needed. “Riddle had me handing out Champagne to a bunch of old quacks, One of them got a bit too handsy Malfoy stepped in” Her lie was flawless even Malfoy looked impressed. 

Remus’s shoulders unwinded and Sirius nodded towards the blonde his voice drawing the attention away from Lily’s lie. “What’s the mission then? Please tell me it's not another B&E..I feel like that’s all I’ve done lately”. 

Malfoy laughed lightly before placing a pistol on the table, his smile was sharp enough to cut glass.

“It’s not a B&E”.