Pure Sinners

Sirius woke to sunlight on his face; the curtains were open, and a sunbeam was streaming right onto his space on the bed.  His whole body ached, a sort of bone-tired emanating around him. He tugged his arm free from the space under Remus’s neck, careful not to wake him. Sirius sat up and observed his sleeping friends. 

Time had been passing slower than usual, the past few days melting together in a sludge. Sirius couldn't remember much of it, too consumed by guilt in the wake of Lily’s punishment. It had brought them closer than Sirius thought it would. 

They slept together most nights now, Sirius knew others would find it strange but there was nothing Sirius liked more than waking up in a dog pile of his closest friends. 

James’s breathing stuttered, drawing him back into Sirius’s attention. His hair was even messier than usual, but his forehead was smooth and his brows unfurrowed as he slept. His face was buried in Lily's hair, which moved slightly with each breath James took.  

Lily looked uncomfortable, a restless sleeper as she was. Her face was flushed, and her cheeks were rosy, which did little to distract from the downward tilt of her lips. One hand was stretched out in front of her, gripping Remus’s where it lay in the centre of the bed. Remus himself, was snorting softly, his breath loud in the quiet room. Sirius allowed himself a moment to take in the features of his friend. His breathing was steady and his eyelids fluttered behind his long lashes. Sirius’s gaze wandered to the red, inflamed skin that touched Remus’s pillow, his own scars itching at the sight. 

Sirius caught his own hand suddenly, preventing it from touching the soft skin of Remus's cheek and pulling the offending limb back into his lap. 

Lily left a little while later, a couple of odd jobs she was determined would be quicker on her own. 

Sirius tried to occupy himself, surfing the TV channels for anything remotely interesting. He was halfway through his second episode of The Bachelor when James joined him. Remus appeared as Sirius started the third. 

 Remus looked between the pair, his eyes clouded with contemplation. James kept his eyes fixed on the TV, unaware or perhaps too aware of Remus’s calculating gaze. 

Sirius graciously slid to the floor, gesturing Remus into his freshly vacated seat. The floor was hard but not uncomfortable and as Sirius settled back against Remus’s legs he felt more content than he had in years.

The TV played distantly as Sirius stared at the moving pictures, a soft grip drifting around his nape. The shapes on the screen were black and white, fading in and out of view as Sirius blinked. He couldn’t hear what they were saying and didn't know why James was finding it so funny. No Sirius could think of nothing except Remus’s fingers in his hair. 

 As an infomercial began on-screen Sirius turned back to face him. Remus’s cheeks turned a little red as Sirius’s hair fell from his fingertips. “What are you doing?” He asked as Remus’s fingers fell from his hair “I was plating your hair” Remus responded with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Why” Sirius was startled. His whole body was alive and tingling. 

It wasn’t fair Remus could have such an effect on him, especially when the other boy had no idea of the filthy thoughts that ran through Sirius’s head on the daily.

Remus smiled, and Sirius felt himself blush all the way down to his toes

Remus nodded back to the TV, encouraging Sirius to turn away from him. Sirius couldn’t help himself, stealing one more glance as Remus’s fingers as he pulled a hair tie from his wrist. Sirius still had not turned his head and was reminded of Remus’s request by a sharp tug on his hair. Remus’s placating voice asks James something about one of the contestants on the show. Sirius replayed the action in his head.  

He tried to focus but all he could think of was Remus’s hands in his hair, tugging gently at strands as he fashioned them over each other again and again. Sirius was so focused on the sensation of Remus's hands in his hair he did not notice when the TV stopped. He did not hear Lily return to the flat, or the conversation that surrounded him.

 In fact Sirius only concluded he was being stared at when Remus’s boney fingers fell from his scalp to squeeze his shoulder. “What?” he jumped to ask, eyes flying between the concerned faces of his friends. 

“You want to help me make dinner,” Remus asked, wearing that face that Sirius would be a fool to say no to. Sirius stood on wobbly legs, eyes falling to Lily's form on the sofa. She was perched on the armrest, her legs handing a few inches above the floor. She was talking to James, a smile on her face. 

“Sirius” Remus called waving his hand in front of Sirius’s face. Sirius shook his head, following Remus into the kitchen as the tall man rattled off a list of instructions Sirius most definitely wasn't going to be able to follow.  He began grabbing the utensils Remus called out of the cupboards before tackling the mountain of dishware in their sink. 

His guilt over Lily's punishment has not subsided, and neither had his anger towards Riddle. Riddle had played him for a fool, using Sirius's outburst at Lil's interrogation to justify his punishment - to make it fair. She probably thought it was, Sirius rolled his eyes. Lily was an enigma and Sirius truly had no idea what she was thinking half the time. Sometimes it really seemed like she saw through Riddle's bullcrap and was ready to get the hell out of dodge.

 And others… 

“Sirius” Remus called in a way that made it clear he’d been calling for a while. “Shit yeah, just distracted” Sirius answered the unspoken question in Remus’s eyes, a slight bush rising on his skin. Trying to play off his distraction Sirius grabbed a tea towel mopping up the water that had overflowed from the sink into the space beside the hob.

 Remus was plating the table, laying out cutlery in four spaces despite the still missing chair.

“Can you go get the others?” Remus asked, back to Sirius’s staring eyes. Sirius walked quickly towards the sitting room where Lily was conversing softly with James. The boy’s eyes were smiling as he spoke, his hands resting gently on the armrest beside Lily ready to grab her if she fell in her attempt to rise from the sofa. Lily for her part was talking, her words hiding something that was both a grimace and a smile. 

 “Dinners ready” he hollered to them, as he lent against the doorway. Sirius tried not to relish in the way James jumped back, his eyes wide as though he expected Sirius to attack.  

They ate quickly, the others conversing as Sirius pushed pasta around his plate. He was tired, much to tired to join in with the inane conversation James was leading from the floor or to take note of the worried looks Remus kept sending his way. 

“Sirius, what are you doing?” Lily asked as Sirius jumped up to put the dirty dishes in the sink.  

“Washing up,” he said as he turned on the tap, desperate for Remus to leave the room and take his pitying looks with him.  

“Surely it can wait?” Lily’s voice was puzzled, confusion knitting her brows together. Sirius’s mouth opened slightly, gaping for something smart to say “Just wanna get it done” It was weak, but Lily let him keep the lie. 

“Alright” Her voice was full of suspicion, but she moved all the same. The sound of her conversation floated through the open doorway, met by Remus’s light laughter.

“You alright mate?” James asked him once the two had left the kitchen. His face was open with concern, his eyes scanning Sirius's body for an injury in need of tending. 

 “Peachy” Sirius spat sourly, unwilling to converse. James’s face was shocked, traces of hurt awakened in his eyes, Sirius sighed cursing the boy's inability to let anything go.

 “look, it’s just a shit day. Not you” It wasn't much, in fact, it was much less than James clearly wanted but he nodded. His eyes were genuine behind his glasses as he offered “Anything I can do?”. 

Sirius snorted, this boy was much too soft. 

His guard dropped, and a smile crept onto his face as he said, “Not unless you know any guys up for a long night.” He ended the statement with a wink, his heart skipping as silence filled the kitchen.

Sirius turned his head fully, eyes meeting James’s own. 

He was staring, a small 'o' shape pulling at his lips. 

James was staring and Sirius was panicking.

 “What? You?” James stuttered out after a full minute of crushing silence. Sirius straightened his back, rising to his full height getting ready to put his fist straight through James’s jaw. 

“you got a problem with that?” His voice was dark, the kind of voice he used with others. The voice for people who weren't his family. James blinked, as though the thought hadn't occurred to him. James shook his head 

“No-no. Not at all. I just thought you and Lily were a thing.” he winced clearly ready to be reprimanded by Sirius for sticking his nose where it wasn't wanted. Sirius stared at the idiot boy.

“I told you we weren't in the infirmary.” James winced again, his hands turning over each other as he mumbled something about Riddle. Sirius snorted, “Riddle hasn’t got a clue.” His voice was mocking and he relished in the way James’s face contorted.  Sirius sighed, throwing the boy a bone. “Nothing's going on, much to Riddle's displeasure. I’m sure he’d love a reason to skin me alive” Sirius tried not to focus on the light in James’s eyes as he spoke. 

“She’s not exactly my type.” Sirius clarified when James still didn’t speak. ”You’re definitely hers though” His words were casual as he scrubbed at a plate in the sink. The bubbling of the water drowned out James’s choking.  

“I-i’m not. i-i don’t. I-i mean I w-wouldn’t..” James stuttered, his olive skin glowing rosie as Sirius swooped in. “Of course you would. I'm not blind. I see how you look at her and I see her flirting with you.” Sirius rolled his eyes as James’s mouth curved into a small smile. 

 “She’s flirting?” He asked shyly and Sirius's eyes rolled further into his skull.  

“Oh definitely. Don't tell anyone I told you, seriously Lily would kill me” Sirius warned, relishing in the way James hung on his every word. 

“Lily likes ‘good guys’” he said the words with disdain, putting the last plate on the drying rack and turning his full attention to the man beside him. “She likes ‘em to blush when she kisses them and when they whisper sweet nothings in her ear. She likes the guys who give forehead kisses and care if she’s in the mood.” Sirius waved a hand between them. “Of course, that kinda stuff is hard to come by around here. But then you show up, all high and mighty. With those kind eyes and that pretty smile. Trust me, the girl is smitten” Sirius pauses for a moment to study James’s expression at the news. 

He looked stupid. His eyes were all soft and he was smiling like a loon. He looked like a total knob. 

Sirius couldn't help but return his smile. 

Sirius watched, mildly amused as James shook his head violently as though to force the thoughts from his head as they formed. “I can’t” He spoke mostly to himself, only elaborating at Sirius’s raised eyebrow. “Riddle warned me off.” Sirius’s eyes rolled, “Of course he did. That git cannot mind his own business”. He cut himself off, reluctant to get into a tirade about Riddle's treatment of Lily. Quite convinced if he started he’d be unable to stop. “Look Riddle doesn’t have to know everything alright.” He spoke eagerly waiting for his words to register with the boy before turning to place the last plate on the drying rack.

They watched a few gameshow reruns, sharing looks of amusement as Lily and Remus answered question after question. By the time Sirius stumbled into bed, he was bone tired, eyes drooping as he and Lily tumbled into her unmade bed. He awoke a little later, to a wild riot of curls rising from his chest. “Wh..r..e” he mumbled, eyes unfocused as the door opened to soft light in the hallway. 

Remus's voice shushed him softly, a large hand tracing the outline of his long braid. Despite Remus's unexpected presence, Sirius found his anxiety dissipating as he listened to the boy's soothing words. Sirius found his eyes beginning to close again even as the muffled voices in the hall gained volume. 

A small thud sounded through the room, a soft slap of bare feet on wood. “Mmm…Wazz…appen?” He asked, eyes shut against the fading yelling outside the door. “Lily’s in a mood. James was closest ” Remus said as a series of curses filtered through the apartment. Sirius snorted, working hard to form the words on his tongue “He should just give up”. His voice was slow and slurred but Remus hummed in agreement, his fingers swirling against Sirius's forehead in a way that made the man want to purr like a contented house cat. “I know, but everyone has to learn the Lily is always right rule’ on their own,” Remus spoke, inhaling deeply as he shifted his position beside Sirius.

James’s loud voice echoed throughout the building, and Sirius’s muscles tensed against his will. “I’ve got you.” Remus whispered, his breath relaxing the creases in Sirius's forehead.   

“I’ve got you” Remus repeated as Sirius fell away into the darkness. 

When Sirius woke up the next morning he felt a lot better. He rolled his muscles leisurely before turning to the other side of the bed where his sister lay. Sirius moved from the bed slowly careful to avoid waking her as he made his way towards the kitchen. 

“Morning,” he said with an overly exaggerated wave as he spotted Remus and James conversing softly at the table. 

 “mornin’” came the voices of his teammates as Sirius dropped into the vacant chair and poured himself a cup of instant coffee from the jug on the table. 

“Watcha talking about?” He asked cramming a cold piece of buttered toast into his mouth. “Lil's birthday..” Remus huffed out a reply. 

“W’at about it?” Sirius asked through his half-masticated bread.

 “James wants to do something for it” Remus said rolling his eyes at the messy-haired boy's naivety. Sirius snorted at James’s put-out expression.

Taking pity on the four-eyed boy opposite him Sirius spoke “It’s not you mate. Lily doesn’t celebrate it - never really has. We’ll be lucky if she even leaves her room tomorrow”. 

Remus clenched his fists “Were lucky she’s even able to walk after the other day” he spat towards no one in particular. Sirius felt his face drop. He knew the effects of Lily’s punishment had been weighing on Remus, but he had not expected an explosion so soon. James did little to hide his interest in the conversation, as he sipped his tea.  

 “Remus I don’t…” Sirius began.

  ”You saw what he did to her, what he made me do. She could have died Sirius. What if next time she doesn’t make it out!”  Remus interrupted, his voice was getting louder. If he wasn’t careful he’d wake Lily and then they’d have more to fear than Riddle. Sirius spoke softly, in a poor attempt to dampen Remus's temper “That’s not going to happen. No one's going to make that mistake again”. His words were gentle though perhaps a little stunted as his eyes flicked to James’s presence at the table. 

Remus didn’t appear to care “Are you serious?!..” 

The question was rhetorical and Sirius didn’t have the chance to respond before Remus continued. “Of course, she will. She always fucking does!” He screeched and Sirius counted his blessings, beyond pleased Lily hadn’t woken from the noise. Sirius stood slowly, arms crossed over his chest as his mind spun, searching for the right thing to say. 

He’d never been good with Remus’s anger, he only knew how to fan the flames.

 “That’s not fair and you know it. Lily is the best. He wouldn't kill her. Not without a reason.” Sirius declared, forcing more confidence into the words than he felt. Remus scoffed the sound cold and cruel. 

“He’s got plenty of reason and you and I both know it.” Remus sneered, his fingers twisted in the hem of his light pink jumper. Sirius’s heart stuttered, the organ spinning somersaults in his chest. The worst thing was that Remus wasn’t wrong. Lily had done plenty of questionable things over the years, most of which should have earned her a one-way ticket to the bottom of the Thames and yet she survived.  Sirius’s eyes to meet James’s, How much did James know anyway? How much had he guessed?

 “She’s soft..” Remus continued, his voice freezing the air in the room as he forced Sirius's eyes back to him.  “Riddle knows it. She always has been - with you, with me.. with Peter.” Remus said, exaggerating Peter’s name and relishing in the way Sirius flinched.

 “She has a soft spot for us. Its the whole reason he lets her keep me around…” Remus said, his large hand clenching around his half-filled tea mug. 

‘Oh’. Sirius said aloud, the realisation hitting him as he stared at Remus's white knuckles.  

“..So he can use me as a bargaining chip. Riddle knew the kid would be in the house. It was a test and she failed it.” Remus said and Sirius wondered if he was right. How could Riddle not know the boy would be home, he had scoped out every other part of the plan meticulously. “He knew she’d see him and want to save him. Saving fucked up souls like always.” Remus spat eyes roving over Sirius's form. 

Sirius tried to remind himself that Remus didn't mean it, that he was just angry at himself, at Riddle. 

Sirius breathed through his nose sharply. “Riddle wouldn’t..” He began before stopping abruptly because Riddle would. 

That was exactly something Riddle would do.

Tests were a big part of Riddle's strategy, even beyond the initiation. He’d ask you to do things that hurt you, that twisted you morals. He loved to test his subjects, said it helped them improve. Sirius supposed it did, you were always expecting a test. Always searching for the right answer, always choosing the wrong one. And most of all you were always anticipating the pain any choice would bring you. 

Riddle said it kept them honest but Sirius knew it kept them afraid. 

And fear was the most powerful tool of all.. 

Remus merely looked at him and raised his eyebrow. 

“Get off your high horse. You’re the one who shocked her.” Sirius tried to breathe the words back in.  He hadn’t meant to say that, it had been an accident. The words spilled from his parted lips before he’d even thought of them. His anger deflated as he watched the words land, each word knocking the air out of Remus. 

“I know,” Remus whispered, his back turning to Sirius as he placed his mug on the kitchen counter and walked towards the door.

“Remus” Sirius called stepping towards Remus’s retreating frame. He turned over his shoulder mustering a small smile. “It's all right Sirius. I'm just gonna check on Lily.” He said disappearing behind the door frame. . 

The guilt was thicker now - covering him from head to toe. Pulling him down so he couldn’t move. He struggled to breathe as he stared at the door frame, waiting for Remus to come back. If he’d just come back Sirius would say he was sorry. He’d make him a new cup of tea, help him clean the kitchen. If he came back Sirius would tell him the truth. He’d give him anything, anything he wanted. Remus could have it all. 

Remus didn't come back. 

The doorway stayed empty.

Sirius’s chest tightened. It was like he was made of stone, cemented into the very ground below him. The world whites out, mind seeing nothing as his fist grabbed the nearest object, sending it hurtling towards the white tiling on the wall. The mug shattered on impact, ceramic shards raining down as a trail of light brown water stained the grouting. The sound arrived after, bringing with it the realisation of what he’d done. Sirius cursed and looked away from the mess, only to meet James’s eyes. He looked confused, eyes darting between Sirius and the exit in a move Sirius hoped wasn’t fear.  Sirius let out a breath loud and long as he moved towards the front door. 

“You coming?” He called over his shoulder as he opened the heavy door. James’s eyes widened as he stood babbling his agreement like a newborn. They stepped out into the hall, quickly walking towards the staircase. “Wha..” The messy-haired boy began but Sirius shushed him.

 “Balloons or streamers?” Sirius asked as he gripped the railing beside the stone steps. James stuttered out a response still following Sirius out into the thick London smog. “Lily deserves a proper birthday. Plus we could all do with the celebration. So Balloons or Streamers?” he said hoping James would take the bait. 

James nodded, taking Sirius’s subject change with ease, and talking mindlessly about his own birthday traditions as they walked.