Don’t let the flame die out
Today was finally Harry’s birthday, one of the best he’d had by the way, and was certainly in the top three. The tape and t-shirts had been wrapped up in blue paper (despite being insistent on it not being necessary). He got cards from his friends and of course from Hagrid too, and they were proudly displayed on the mantelpiece above the fireplace - it was strange to see them all lined up, because the Dursley’s had never given him a card to put up and the ones he’d gotten the previous year had to be hidden - it was a nice kind of strange though.
Breakfast was cake, another first for Harry, both having his own birthday cake and eating it for breakfast. The sweetness of the icing made Sirius’s teeth hurt, but he ate it anyway. As it was a Sunday, most places were closed, so they decided to just stay in, maybe go on a walk later but for the most part it’d be a lazy day. They played Harry’s tape in the tape player on the record player - Remus enjoyed it but it wasn’t much to Sirius’s taste and, throughout the day, the radio murmured quietly in the background.
“A card never came from your aunt and uncle, do they know the address?” Remus had asked later on, Harry stilled slightly before shrugging.
“They never give me a birthday card, or anything, really,” Sirius frowned; he hated how cruel they were to Harry, but hated even more how casual Harry was about all of it - as if he’d never been shown any love at all. In the end, he couldn’t decide whether it made him more sad or angry.
He looked at Remus and they shared a sad sort of look, so desperately wanting to make it better, but having no real say or power to do so without breaking not only wizarding and muggle laws, but also undermining Dumbledore.
On the fourth night of sleeping in the living room as Padfoot, Sirius woke himself up due to a nightmare. He’d had them all his life, but they had lessened once leaving home, however since Azkaban they had come back with full force.
Like most nights, he had scared himself awake and back human. Sitting up, he tried to get control of his breathing by moving to sit next to the open window and taking slow breaths in and out, letting the cool breeze fill his lungs.
In and out. In and out.
When he came back to himself, Remus was kneeling next to him with a tired smile. “Nightmare?” Remus was very accustomed to his bad dreams from their time at Hogwarts and the few years following.
Sirius nodded “Sorry if I woke you up” he drew his knees to his chest and looked out of the window, feeling embarrassed if anything for causing a fuss.
Remus adjusted himself so he was sat crisscrossed; it was easier on his joints after moons, but it seemed recovery came a lot quicker than it did a decade ago.
“I wasn’t really asleep, I just heard you whimpering then gasping, so I wanted to see if you were okay - it sounded pretty bad tonight. Do you want to talk about it?”
Hesitantly, he shook his head and then sighed, “same thing, really”. The conversation afterwards always hurt a little - it happened so often that people just knew what it was about.
Tonight, it was the one that left him alone back in his cell being tormented by the voices of James, Lily, Remus and Peter. Inevitably being left alone.
Not now though - now, he was sat with his only friend at the window like they were kids again - they weren’t, of course, they were thirty-three.
Standing, Remus held out his hand to pull Sirius up as well; maybe he’d held on a little too long, but he needed that touch, the touch to say ‘people are there for you’. So, they stood at the open window and held hands in silence. He wasn’t sure how long it was, but as soon as it stopped, he wanted it back.
“You can sleep with me tonight if you’d like? Just so you aren’t alone,” Remus was looking anywhere but at Sirius. He couldn’t blame him, this was a big step for both of them, that extra bit of piecing back together what was lost.
“I wouldn’t want to disturb you like that, I mean I twitch around all the time and make noises and…” he trailed off, taking a breath, “I don’t want to wake you up again”.
“You’ve always moved a lot in your sleep anyways, the bed’s big enough. If I thought you’d keep me up, I wouldn’t have offered; besides, I’d rather stay up to know you’re okay than leave you alone and have you be upset.” That came as a shock to Sirius, he hadn’t expected that response whatsoever. “Come on, it’s late and you need sleep”.
The decision was made just like that - Remus led the way to the bedroom they once shared, and they lay next to each other, not touching but still side by side. The window was cracked open slightly and carried through the same light breeze as the living room; years ago, they had agreed to paint the walls, but they had never gotten around to it, leaving them a now-yellowing cream colour. But that didn’t matter in the moment, not to Sirius, at least.
They lay on their sides, facing each other. Using his eyes, Sirius traced every single scar on Remus’s face; the bridge of his nose, under his eye, cutting through his eyebrow, a small one on his lip - and yet he was still so beautiful, he hadn’t even realised how much he’d missed him.
“Are you okay now?” Remus whispered into the darkness.
“Yeah, I’m okay, don’t worry” in hindsight, it was a silly thing to say, but his mind was still spinning with the newly returned thought of how gorgeous the man in front of him was.
“I’ve spent my whole life worrying about you, I can’t stop now.” he had said it so quietly that it was closer to a breath of air than a whisper.
Sirius just lay there, it had only been about a month since he got here but it felt like a lifetime, as if no time had passed between them; there was - of course - that twelve year gap that passed, but in these brief moments it felt like no time at all.
He could count on one hand how many times he was left speechless in his life, and this was one of those moments. He had no idea what to say to that, how to respond appropriately because, right now, he couldn’t decide whether he wanted to kiss Remus silly or cuddle into him so close that he was practically in the other man’s ribcage.
He decides on the latter.
It’s an awkward crash of limbs and grappling hands, but Sirius doesn’t care as long as they’re touching. Remus is still at first, seemingly shocked at the sudden contact, but as quick as the shock comes it leaves again and he wraps his arms around Sirius, holding him close.
Remus’s fingers stroked through his hair as Sirius just listened to his heartbeat; it all felt so nostalgic, like they were teenagers again. Hiding out in one of their four poster beds back at school, a little secret - true, he couldn’t remember much of it now, but the feeling was unmistakable.
“I never thought I would get you back,” Remus whispered into his hair.
“Oh, moony,”
They were still laying together when the sun came up the next morning, shining through a gap in the curtains. The light almost made Remus’s scars glow and Sirius found it to be the most remarkable thing. These little things he was rediscovering, remembering things that he never knew he missed, things that he had once loved, if he thought too hard about it, it hurt a little; how much he’d lost, but he was gaining it back, and that was what matters.
The rest of the night had been peaceful. Though the quiet confessions lingered in the air, Remus still lay asleep, arm loosely slung over Sirius’s waist - he nestled closer to him, but was careful to keep at least some distance.
“Oh, you’re awake” Remus murmured. Slowly, he moved his arm to the other man’s dark hair, running his fingers through the messy curls, a hint of a smile on his lips.
Sirius nodded, taking a deep breath in before exhaling through his nose.
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Yeah, I did. You? I hope I didn’t disturb you or anything like that, sorry for crashing your bed.” Suddenly aware of the closeness, and the fact that this was in fact not his bed, he shifted away, a brief look of disappointment flickered across Remus’s face, but he pretended not to notice.
“Sirius, honestly it’s okay, and no, you didn’t disturb me. It was the best I’ve slept in years I think” he stretched upwards on the bed before putting his arms behind his head with a short sigh. Sirius laid on his side, staring longingly at Remus.
The rest of the week flew by without much interruption, though you could cut the sexual tension between Remus and Sirius with a knife. Harry returned back to the Dursley’s on the Sunday, they continued to send letters back and forward and everything seemed well and good; things were finally looking up.
They shared little unnecessary touches, a brush of the fingers when handing something over or bumping shoulders to get past each other. Sirius returned back to the spare room after Harry left, but - truth be told - even that felt odd after spending the remainder of Harry’s stay with Remus. Not that Harry noticed, he was so very smart yet painfully oblivious; just like his father.
Of course, the nightmares didn’t miraculously stop while sleeping next to Remus, but they did become less severe and - if he did wake up from one - Remus would hold him close ‘til he fell back to sleep. They would never talk about it in the morning.
A quiz show played on the telly. They’d guess the answers every now and then, Remus getting most of them right because he’s brilliant. Still, the air felt somewhat awkward, too many words left unsaid over too many years missed. Remus had grown up, he was a fully grown man with a moustache and walking stick, for god’s sake, but Sirius? He still felt twenty-one, even though his hair had begun to grey prematurely and he looked in his mid forties, older than he should by ten years - but that’s what grief does.
“I’m making some tea, would you like some?” Remus asked, heading to the kitchen with a slight limp - the full moon was in a week, and Sirius hoped Remus would let him come this time.
“Yes, please,” he answered, “Will you let me come with you? You know, for the moon. You were in such bad shape last time, and maybe Moony would be happy to have his old playmate back.” he leaned against the kitchen door, watching Remus make the tea; a brown mug for himself and a green one for Sirius.
Remus paused and turned around, handing Sirius his cup while taking a sip from his own.
“I don’t know. What if it reacts badly to you being there? Or you get hurt?” He runs his hand through his hair, “I’ve just got you back, and I don’t want you to get hurt,”
Sirius couldn’t take it anymore - weeks of little comments, small touches, lingering glances and sharing a bloody bed and now this - he was strong, he had to be, but not this strong; especially when it came to Remus Lupin.
With a small huff (whether it was out of annoyance or to build himself up, he wasn’t sure) he stepped forward across the small kitchen, closing the gap between them; even in adulthood, Remus still had a couple of inches on Sirius, so he had to push up on his toes slightly for their mouths to be level. Fortunately, Remus was apparently thinking the same thing and leaned in closer.
His hands cradled Remus’s face for a moment, taking in the soft brown of his eyes, the afternoon sun catching little flecks of gold around his pupils. Slowly, their lips met; it was very brief contact, but it was only a second until they were on each other again - just like the other night in bed, they desperately grappled at each other, taking it all in.
According to science, our cells regenerate every ten years, and they had been apart for fourteen; these bodies did not recognise each other’s touch how they used to. It was a fine line of nostalgia and new feelings, yet neither feelings unpleasant, not in the slightest.
They pulled away, slightly breathless but smiling nonetheless, and for a minute they stood with their foreheads pressed together, breathing softly. Remus was the first to speak.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that for,” he huffed out a laugh, pressing another kiss to the corner of Sirius’s mouth.
Sirius said nothing, he just buried his head into the crook of Remus’s neck; he was getting his life back - little by little, he was becoming whole.
Later, as they sat holding mugs of tea on the couch, they discussed the upcoming moon and when they should take Harry again. All three of them enjoyed the week he stayed, but it was obvious that Sirius wanted him to stay longer. That just wasn’t possible at the minute, not with the flat, at least; they could move, but neither of them worked. Yes, Sirius had all of his inheritance money, but that was all in wizard currency and it’d be hard to exchange that amount to muggle money. They could continue to share a bed - and Harry have the spare as his own room - but that would open a whole other can of worms in explaining this… relationship? Okay, Remus wasn’t sure what they were, and he was scared to ask which - admittedly - felt silly, like he was a teenager all over again.
Anyways, that was a later problem, they could work this out after the moon.
With Padfoot back, the moon was the most uneventful it’d been since Hogwarts. He’d woken up with a coat draped over him and minimal injuries, Sirius sat next to him on the grass, watching. Apparently, the wolf had been pleased to have it’s old mate back, though it had taken a few minutes of weariness and submission on Padfoot’s part for it to recognise the shaggy black dog.
“Morning, love,” Sirius smiled, helping Remus sit up, wrapping the coat tighter around him.
“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” That was always the first thought he had after a transformation; is anybody hurt because of him, not that he’d ever hurt anyone before, but it was still a lingering fear.
“No, of course not, you have a few scratches but nothing major, I can mend them for you. How are you feeling? Any pain?” Sirius asked, sitting up properly so that he was kneeling. He placed the back of his hand to Remus’s forehead, checking his temperature.
Remus shook his head and groaned as he tried to stand up. His hip popped out, then back into the socket, and he scrunched up his nose in discomfort - not pain, he was used to that feeling by now. Sirius was at his side, holding his arm in support, he didn’t manage to stand but he sat up. Blinking tiredly, he leaned his head on Sirius’s shoulder.
“I’m going to help you put some clothes on and then apparate us home, okay?” Sirius said softly. With a wave of his wand, a pile of clothes appeared in front of them; socks, pants, joggers and a jumper. Slowly, Remus dressed and was back home in bed within ten minutes. Sirius cleaned him up best he could with what he remembered from school and tucked him in bed, leaving a glass of water and two paracetamol tablets on the side table.
He woke up three hours later, every muscle in his body aching, his head throbbing and his throat raw. Completely on autopilot, he reached over, took the tablets that Sirius left, and made an attempt at standing up (a bit wobbly, but he managed by using the wall to balance). He limped out of the room, and was grateful to find his cane just outside the door, opting to use that instead. Sirius stood in the doorway to the kitchen with a single eyebrow raised.
“You’re supposed to be resting.” he said with a smirk, before pushing off of the door frame and kissing Remus’s cheek. “How are you feeling?”
“Achey, but nothing unusual”
“I can run you a bath and I’ll make us some tea. You took the tablets I left, yes?” It didn’t matter the answer because he was already in the bathroom, turning on the taps, then back in the kitchen to flick on the kettle. “Sit down.”
Remus obliged, taking a seat on the corner of the couch, leaning his head back and letting out a soft sigh.
He must have nodded off for a couple of minutes, because he woke up to Sirius kissing his forehead and quietly whispering for him to wake up; the tea on the table was lukewarm.
“Bath’s done, but your tea’s went cold, I can make you another one?” Remus shook his head, and stood up - using his cane for support - then hobbled into the bathroom, Sirius not far behind.
“It’s hot, you used to like it I think, at school, for your joints. That was you, right?”
“Yeah, it was, thank you - I really appreciate it. Honestly, I usually just go in the shower, less effort, so this is really nice,” he steadied himself on the sink while he took off his joggers and socks. Sirius helped with his jumper before he quickly removed his pants and lowered himself in to the steaming water.
“You should really take better care of yourself, Rem,” he hadn’t heard that nickname in a long time, “and don’t say you do, because I know you don’t; you barely let me help when we were teenagers.” Sirius rubbed soap on his back, being careful of a cut that had scabbed over.
“Tip your head back,” Remus felt the warm water running over his hair and down his back, washing off the soap. He let Sirius wash his hair and help with getting all of the dirt from his skin - if he thought too hard about it, it felt silly and embarrassing, being in his thirties and needing help to bathe, but then he remembered that not every thirty-four year old turns into a wolf once a month.
Sirius held his hand, keeping him steady as he got out of the bath and wrapped a towel around himself before taking a slow walk to his bedroom. Well, it wasn’t his alone anymore, Sirius was sleeping in it as well now; not that he was complaining, it was nice to be so close to him after being apart for so long.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Remus slowly began to dry himself off while Sirius rubbed cream over the cuts on his back. “How’s your shoulder?” Sirius used his wand to apply a heating spell that would somewhat soothe some of the pain radiating from the joint.
“It’s okay, it’s been worse, at least it’s not dislocated this time. Moony was pretty calm this month, don’t you think?” Remus rolled his left shoulder around a few times and heard Sirius hum in agreement. He slowly redressed, careful to keep his balance and not reopen any wounds.
Dressed in clean pyjama pants and a jumper, he strolled back out to the sitting room with Sirius at his side, a hand on his elbow for support.
They didn’t do much the rest of the day - Sirius cooked for them (light, easy things as Remus tended to either feel really ill or absolutely ravenous after a moon), made cups of tea, made sure Remus was taking his pain potions when necessary, and helped him stand or walk around when the pain in his joints got too much to sit around with.
The sun set while they ate dinner (it was cereal, own-brand rice crispies, to be specific), casting an orange glow across their faces, he tiredly smiled at Sirius.
“I never stopped loving you.” he whispered, eyes drooping slightly; truthfully, he thought all of the different pain medication was starting to go to his head - his head fell onto Sirius’s shoulder, feeling heavy and tired, and just wanting to sleep.
Sirius stiffened slightly at the sudden contact, while still trying to process what Remus had just muttered. It was obvious, really, it had been over a decade and there was still a spark between them; a spark that was slowly turning into a fire once again.
“I think I still love you, Pads. I think I’ll always love you.”
Sirius could only blink down at Remus, who had moved his head to rest on his lap, eyes closed and breathing softly, he was fairly certain Remus had either fallen asleep or was well on his way to. “Rem? You asleep, love?” He stoked his hand through the messy brown curls that were still damp from the bath, his hair did always take a ridiculously long time to dry after getting wet.
Deciding Remus was most definitely asleep, he slowly shifted from under Remus, stood up and draped a blanket over him. Placing a final kiss to his forehead, Sirius turned off the lamp, wiped the tears he hadn’t even realised had fallen away from his cheeks, and went into the spare room to sleep, whispering a quiet “I love you too, Moony” while closing the door, got into bed, and sobbed until he fell asleep.