Regulus,
I hope you are doing better. I know I have. It’s so much better here than in that stupid house, and James’ parents are wonderful. They would adore you. If you ever change your mind, I know they would welcome you with open arms.
I wrote this to show that I do care. I didn’t just leave you in that house, I asked you to come with me. If you ever want to talk again, just know I would love to hear from you. You don’t have to hate me just because I left.
Love you,
Sirius
There was nothing that angered Regulus more than that stupid letter. The stupid, worthless letter.
He was doing fine without Sirius. He didn’t need him, he didn’t need his sympathy, and he sure as hell didn’t need James Potter’s help. He couldn’t leave, it just wasn’t an option. He was stuck in this house, no matter if Sirius believed him or not.
Regulus resented his older brother, and probably always will. Sirius just left him. Regulus begged and begged him to stay, but it was no use. It was a waste of breath. Sirius wouldn’t stay. Why would he? Regulus didn’t matter to him anymore. He was just a fragment of his past- a piece of him he wanted to forget.
Regulus meant nothing in the end. It didn’t matter how much he screamed, how much he cried, how much he begged- he would never be enough for anyone. He was just the discarded waste of space that nobody wanted.
So he stayed. He stayed behind, letting his brother be free. In the end, Regulus knew it was always going to be Sirius that would be free. They couldn’t both leave. That wasn’t realistic. Regulus knew a long time ago that he would be stuck, while Sirius got to live his life. That was always how it was going to go.
From the moment Sirius came home for Christmas break his first year, Regulus knew. Sirius found friends; people he truly loved. Not just his brother who he was forced to be with. No, he actually loved these people.
Sirius talked about James Potter like he was a walking angel. Like he was a gift from heaven. James was everything to Sirius.
All Regulus was to Sirius was a bump in the road, a wrinkle in his new life. Sirius had all these great people, he didn’t truly want Regulus.
Regulus didn’t need his brother anymore. He didn’t need anyone. He was perfectly fine on his own, playing the pureblood act. His parents were satisfied with him, and that's what mattered. Sirius was safer without Regulus in his life.
Looking down at all the papers scattered across his desk, he knew what he had to do. This was the only way. If he died in the process, who cared. Regulus wasn’t a soul that would be remembered, no matter how hard he tried. Maybe he could finally do something that felt good. Something that was good.
He would go into that cave. He would most likely die, but Regulus had accepted that. Staying alive in this life was a fate worse than death.
Regulus felt good about doing this. He would finally be doing the right thing.
~
Two weeks later, Regulus got another letter. Not that he wanted one, but apparently Sirius wasn’t taking Regulus simply ignoring him as an answer. If Sirius was anything, it was relentless.
Because of this, Regulus had to try and figure out how to respond to him. How does he respond to his estranged brother that he wants nothing to do with? He also refused to give up the fact he was going to die within a week, so he had to act normal.
Apparently, Regulus took too long to come up with a response. Sirius sent him yet another letter just a couple days later.
Each letter said pretty much the same thing, just a little more desperate each time. In this one, he asked if Regulus even got the letters. Of course he did, he just didn’t want to respond to his brother.
How was he supposed to? Regulus didn’t want anything to do with Sirius, and he certainly didn’t want Sirius back in his life. Not when he was about to die.
Everything had been going according to plan, and Regulus really didn’t want Sirius to mess it all up by coming back into his life and making him question going to the cave.
Regulus finally sat down at his desk, quill and parchment in hand. It was just a letter. Just a simple letter to show that he isn’t trying to ignore Sirius.
Sirius,
Yes, I am doing fine. Everything is fine. Yes, I got your letters. I haven’t had time to respond. Hope you are doing well. You and I both know I am perfectly fine here, and I do not need to accompany you.
R.A.B.
That was all he could get. Just those simple words. What else was he supposed to say?
Please save me. I don’t want to die.
Please come stop me.
I miss you.
I love you.
He couldn’t say those things. No matter how much he wanted to, Regulus couldn’t. He was stuck. Stuck in this house, stuck in this life, stuck in his mind. The only way to escape was going to this cave. It was going to be the last thing he did.
He sent the letter to Sirius, feeling regret. Why couldn’t he have just asked for help? Sirius would get him out. Sirius would help him. He wouldn’t have to die.
But Regulus was too much of a coward. He was too afraid to need help. He was too afraid to get out.
Regulus looked down at the papers scattered across his floor. He hadn’t slept in days, his mind reeling with all of the possibilities. Three more days.
Three more days until he turns seventeen. Three more days until he makes his way to the cave. Three more days until he finally got away from the miserable life he resides in.
~
Regulus has the worst fucking luck to ever exist.
Three days later, as he’s preparing to leave for the cave, he receives another letter. Another. Fucking. Letter.
Regulus,
Do you need help? I will come get you, I would do anything to keep you safe. I’m so happy here, and I know you would be too.
If you need me, just tell me. Even give me a sign. Something. Please. I love you Reggie. Please come back to me. I will help you.
All my love,
Sirius
Regulus was about to throw himself across the fucking room.
He didn’t want Sirius’ help. He didn’t need anyone’s help. He was fine. He wanted to do this. He has accepted death, and it was about time that Sirius accepted the fact that Regulus wanted nothing to do with him.
This was for the best, right? Regulus dying would make everyone’s lives easier. Sirius could stop worrying about him. His parents wouldn’t have anyone to fuss over anymore. He was doing the right thing. He didn’t need Sirius to save him, he was saving himself. The only way out was dying. Sirius couldn’t do anything to help Regulus. It was this, or it was nothing. Regulus was doing the right thing, wasn’t he?
Reluctantly, Regulus figured it was only fair if he sent Sirius one final letter. One more letter, simply so Sirius knows to not contact him anymore, and to provide closure.
Sirius,
I want you to know that I don’t need help. I know what to do. This is the only way out. Now you don’t have to worry anymore.
I will be dead before you get this letter. By the time you are reading this, it’s already too late. I’m sorry it had to be this way, but truly, this is the only way out.
I’m sorry I never listened to you. I’m sorry I didn’t go with you. I’m sorry I was a horrible brother. I stayed so you could go. If we both left, mother and father would have come after us. I stayed so you could be free.
This is where I say goodbye. I want you to remember the good times, like the ones from when we are little. Don’t remember this pathetic letter or our fights. Remember the good things.
Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my brother.
Please don’t be sad about this. You are safer without me in your life. Go have a good life with James, Remus, and Peter. They have always been there for you when I wasn’t.
I love you Sirius. I love you more than anything. I’m sorry I couldn’t ask for help before it was too late. I’m sorry to leave you like this, but you have so many other people who love you. You’ll be okay. You always were.
With all my heart, forever and always,
R.A.B.
Tears fall from Regulus’ eyes, dripping down onto the page. This was for the better. This was what had to be done.
He sends the letter away, telling the owl to take its time. The later Sirius gets that letter, the better.
Regulus quickly wipes his tears away, taking a shaky breath. He didn’t have time to sit and cry like a child.
Just as the sun rises in the sky, filling its vast emptiness with bright colors, Regulus takes the final letter on his desk, the one to the dark lord, puts it in his pocket, and leaves the house quietly.
It was now or never. This was the only way Regulus could truly ever be free. Death had to come eventually. For Regulus, it just simply came quicker than the average person. This was the only way out.
Regulus knew what he wanted, and it wasn’t death. He didn’t want to die, not really. He just wanted to get out. He didn’t care how, he just wanted out. At this point, the only option was dying. He waited too long to leave, he waited too long to beg Sirius for help. But that was the story of his life, wasn’t it? Regulus always missed anything he wanted by just a bit. Sirius was right in his reach, and he still failed to hold onto him. He still failed to keep him close.
So Regulus accepted death with open arms. He welcomed it. He knew that he wanted to be free, and this was the only way to do that.
~
Regulus Black knew from a young age that he was meant to die. He was meant to go far too early, but be happy about it. He knew that it was his fate to never have quite enough time to do anything worthwhile.
The cave was dark. Cold. Unwelcoming. Almost like it was a sign of death itself. The water looked nice. It may have been the only part that actually looked nice in that entire cave.
Placing the letter in the fake locket, he knew what he had to do. It was finally time to be free of everything that has been weighing him down since the beginning of his life.
As the Inferni pulled him under the water, Regulus managed to find solace in the pain. The water filling his lungs was suffocating, but it felt like a breath of fresh air all at the same time. He was drowning, but he was free. He was finally free.
He let himself get dragged under. He let himself die. He let himself finally let go from the weight of all the pressure. He was finally free.
After years of being perfect, after putting up the act, he was finally free. Regulus was finally free.
The last thought that Regulus ever had was Sirius. He thought of Sirius. He pictured his older brother having fun, being free. Hanging out with his friends. Smiling.
It’s almost like he could hear Sirius’ voice as he took his last breath, finally finding the peace he has never felt before.
~
Sirius stared at the letter in his shaky hands, eyes glued onto the words. Regulus was gone. Regulus died. His baby brother.
He couldn’t feel James’ arms around him. He couldn’t feel the tears streaming down his face. All he felt was the stinging pain, and the gut wrenching guilt.
He couldn’t save Regulus. He couldn’t keep his baby brother safe.
Before he could stop it, Sirius was sobbing. He was clinging to James’ shirt, letter still tight in his grasp. There were dried tear marks on the parchment. Regulus had been crying.
Regulus knew what he was doing. He knew it.
Sirius wasn’t fast enough. He wasn’t convincing enough. He wasn’t present enough. He was never there for Regulus. He just left him in that stupid, haunted house.
Sirius just sobbed harder. He couldn’t save his baby brother.
“Sirius, breathe. Breathe for me.” James whispers, trying to get Sirius to calm down. “Please.”
“He’s dead. He’s gone. I couldn’t save him James- I couldn’t- I didn’t-”
“You did what you could. You told him he could come here. He knew he had the option.” James holds Sirius close, slightly rocking their intertwined bodies back and forth on the hardwood floor.
“He was scared. He didn’t know what to do. He just wanted to get out.” Sirius was mumbling under his breath, trying to make it make sense. Regulus was gone. His baby brother was dead, all because Sirius couldn’t save him.
Eventually, James managed to get Sirius off of the floor. James makes him some tea, and they sit in silence for a while. It was all so much to process.
Sirius was never the same after that. No matter how much he wanted to be; he just couldn’t. His little brother was dead. His baby brother. Always his brother.
Years later, as he finally meets his end, he can only hope for one thing. One tiny, little thing.
He hopes to see his brother again. All he wants is to see Regulus again. He wants to hold him, to apologize to him, to love him again.
Sirius found peace in death. He had suffered for years on end, and now, he was finally going to be reunited with the one person he always wanted to keep safe.
He was finally going to see his baby brother again.