Seven Moons of Varying Severity

December 23, 1977

She was met in the portrait hole with a sloppy kiss from James. 

“Happy Christmas,” he mumbled against her lips, dragging Lily into the near-deserted common room. It was about a quarter to midnight. “Rounds go alright?”

“Splendid. Caught McKinnon snogging a Hufflepuff girl behind the second-floor tapestry.”

“Put an end to their fun, did you?”

“Don’t be silly. It’s Christmas.”

This wasn’t entirely true. Christmas was two days away, but they’d be celebrating early for the sake of Remus, who had to stay behind for the holidays because of the moon. Aside from herself, James, Peter and Sirius, the common room was unoccupied. Lily wondered vaguely if James had abused his Head Boy privileges to make it happen. They’d gathered around the fireplace nearby a heaping stack of presents. At Peter’s feet she saw butterbeer and a brown paper bag, likely stuffed with sweets from the kitchens. 

“Where’s Remus?” Lily asked, sitting down cross-legged by the fire. 

“Upstairs,” Sirius answered. “He was just laying down. Said he’d be down in a minute or—oh, there he comes.”

Remus came hobbling down the stairs from the boys’ dorm, and when he saw them gathered in a circle he grinned. “You lot are ridiculous.”

His roommates began to move all at once. 

Lily smiled fondly at the gentleness with which they handled him—a gentleness she had not fully appreciated a few years prior—the way James sprung up to greet him with a soft nudge to the shoulder that wouldn’t jostle him too much, the way Sirius departed the most comfortable chair so that Remus could take it, the way Peter had preemptively draped a heavy quilt over the arm so it would be within reach when he needed it. 

Remus had a book in his lap, but he didn’t open. Evidently he hadn’t been told that Christmas was moved to today. He looked exhausted, but pleased nonetheless as he eyed the present pile. “I take it I’m not here to watch a chess match?”

“Nope.” Sirius plopped in front of him and leaned back against his knees. Peter tossed him a package, which he held over his head. “Happy Christmas, Moony. You first.”

They spent the next hour unwrapping gifts and munching on biscuits and pumpkin pasties that were probably meant to be part of the Christmas feast. Lily was surprised to have received gifts from all four of the boys—a muggle novel from Remus, chocolate and a promise to give up pranks for the New Year from Sirius, mittens from Peter, and a sporty but cute pair of trainers from James. “So you can practice Quidditch with me,” he told her.

Ridiculous as he was, Lily had to admit he’d successfully selected a pair she might actually wear.

As it got late, the festivities died down and the mood waned a little once they ran out of food. Remus was noticeably sagging in his seat. Lily figured he ought to go up to bed, but she decided against saying anything, knowing he could take care of himself. 

Sirius fidgeted. “Moony…”

Remus fixed his eyes on the fire. “Hmm.”

“Say the word, and I’ll stay behind with—”

“No.”

“Come on, Moons,” James said hurriedly. “I’ll stay too. Mum will understand, and afterward we can—”

“My final answer is no, and that won’t change,” Remus said, his voice soft. “You lot deserve to go enjoy your holiday. I’ll be alright here, honest.”

Peter looked uncomfortably at his lap, but he didn’t say whatever thought might’ve sprung into his head. Lily couldn’t understand how staying behind would make the full moon any better for Remus, yet the three of them seemed fairly reluctant to push any further. It wasn’t the first time this sort of thing had happened in front of Lily, as if they were worried that talking about the “Werewolf Thing” in front of her would somehow be overstepping. 

“You know I—I’m staying over the holidays, Remus,” Lily said hesitantly, breaking up their silent staring match. “I’m not sure if that helps…”

The other boys didn’t look too comforted, but Remus smiled kindly at her. “I’m glad to hear it.” He looked pointedly at Sirius. “Lily and I can spend some quality time together, yeah? I’ll be fine.”

~ ~ ~

The next morning, Lily walked the boys out as far as the front entrance. James kissed her and Peter gave her a quick hug, but Sirius gripped her arm before she could head back inside. 

“After…after tomorrow night,” he said carefully, glancing over his shoulder. “He’s going to tell you to leave him be in the hospital wing, but—well, if you don’t mind, would you check on him for us? If you could just send an owl—”

“I’m sure he’ll be alright,” Lily said. “Remus has done this plenty of times before.”

She’d meant it to be kind, but Sirius only looked more bothered. “Right. All the same…”

“I’ll check on him,” she promised. She watched with confusion as he followed the other two boys down the hill. To be fair, Lily had never visited Remus the morning after a full moon. Sure, she’d seen him in the days afterward and knew the whole ordeal was draining, painful, and generally disruptive. He bore it with a fair amount of dignity every time. And Lily figured that some months were worse than others. There was the time he’d fainted during class change a few years back, and often there were times where he looked quite sickly, though they were few and far between nowadays. Perhaps werewolf transformations eased up over time.

But Lily knew that if Remus had been there for the send off, Sirius wouldn’t have said a word about it. She planned to honor his wishes anyway. 

Lily didn’t see Remus until dinner that evening. There were very few students present, so they all gathered at the Hufflepuff table to enjoy a meal of duck, roasted potatoes, and peas. 

Remus shoveled it in. Lily sat between him and a Gryffindor third year and picked lightly at her potatoes while she skimmed over her Divination notes. That was the nice thing about spending time with Remus—unlike James, he could stand the quiet, and didn’t mind it when she paid him no attention. Even after they’d returned to the common room, Lily continued to read and Remus pulled out his own books without so much as a word to her. 

The fire crackled. His quill scratched on parchment. The sounds were calming, preferable to all the noises that might’ve greeted her in the Evans household. She was grateful for it. 

“Are you nervous?” Remus asked suddenly, looking up at her. 

“What about?”

“About N.E.W.Ts.”

“I suppose so, yes, but I’m also prepared. I don’t think I’ll stop being nervous no matter how prepared I am.” She closed her book. “Are you?”

“Of course,” he said. “It’s all I can think about.”

“Those grades really don’t matter in the long run.”

“For me, they do. With how things are, they may matter more for you too.”

“You mean the war?”

“Mmm.”

“I can’t imagine an employer trashing my application because I’m a muggleborn, that’s ridiculous ,” Lily said. “It’s not as if it would affect my performance. How cruel would it be to judge someone without knowing how they—”

Remus gave her a pointed look. “How cruel indeed.”

Lily sighed. “You’re a pessimist.”

“I’m a realist, Lily.”

“Then I guess…” Lily got up and plopped onto the couch beside him, throwing an arm over his shoulder. “We’ll have to stick together, won’t we? You need some optimism in your life.”

“I need some Lily in my life,” he said, reaching over to pinch her ear. 

She grinned. “You look dead tired.”

“I am.”

“Then go to bed.” She patted his shoulder and stood. “I’ll see you at breakfast, yeah?”

She left the common room, but didn’t close the door to the dormitory until she heard him hobbling up to his own. 

~ ~ ~

On Christmas morning, Lily picked through a few cursory presents from her family and excitedly organized a stack from Mary and Dorcas, which she planned to open later. She thought opening everything at once ruined the excitement of gifts all too quickly, so she planned to open them periodically throughout the day.

She found Remus in the Great Hall. In the time it took her to walk from the doors to her seat, he’d already shoveled three whole slices of dry, plain toast into his mouth, eyes fixed on his History of Magic textbook.

She sat down next to him. “Morning.”

He nodded in acknowledgement, his mouth too full to give a verbal answer. The bags under his eyes were exceptionally pronounced this morning.

“Feeling alright?” 

Remus swallowed. “Fine. Hungry.”

“Some Christmas, huh?”

“Wouldn’t be my worst,” he said. “When I was nine, it happened—” Remus pointed up. She interpreted this as a gesture indicating the full moon. “—two days before Christmas. Spent the night in the basement as usual, and gave myself this.” Now he pointed to the scar running perpendicular to his nose. “I was devastated. Wouldn’t leave the house for a month, at least, and even then my mum spent hours convincing me the first time we went out.”

“That’s awful.”

Remus frowned at her. He wore this expression a lot—a look of disappointment. Disappointment that she pitied him. Disappointment that she couldn’t just pretend she hadn’t heard him complaining. Disappointment that he’d let himself feel miserable in front of someone. 

“It is awful,” she said, taking both his hands so he was forced to face her. “There’s no use pretending otherwise.”

“Mmm.”

“What convinced you?”

“What?”

“To leave the house, what convinced you?”

Remus didn’t answer right away. “Ah…she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I told her I wanted to be a zookeeper. And then she reminded me that our house wasn’t a zoo, and that I’d need to leave the house to…you know. And then she told me people who sulk only give themselves more reason to sulk. And that sort of…did it, I guess. And we went out?”

Lily nodded. “Where to?”

“Just to the store and back.”

“Sounds like your mum knows up from down, yeah?” Lily said, smiling at him. He smiled back, and then they fell into an uncomfortable silence. The ceiling of the Great Hall was gray and rather dismal. Lily suddenly found that the lack of chattering voices was very loud in her ears, a ringing silence. 

Remus sighed finally. “I think I’ll head back for a kip before tonight.”

“I’ll come to the hospital wing after it’s done and sit with you,” Lily said.

“No, no, no,” he answered, pulling his hands away carefully. “No, you need to be studying for N.E.W.T.s, like you said you would. There’s no need, really.”

Lily took his hands again. “You don’t want me to be there.”

“I don’t want you to bother with me.”

“Don’t be silly.”

“Lily…”

“Will you be at the feast?”

“I’ll have a bite with Poppy, but—and don’t—you don’t need to come up for that either, alright? Honestly.”

“The boys seemed pretty worried about you before they left,” Lily said, keeping a firm grip. “Yesterday when I sent them off, they begged me to check up on you—”

“Sirius?”

“Er, yes—but Remus, is there…something you’re not telling me?”

Remus frowned. “No. Some moons are worse than others, that’s all. Don’t worry about coming to see me tomorrow, seriously. I’ll be back by the evening.”

He grabbed his things and hurried away before she could protest.

~ ~ ~

What little sleep she did get that night was fitful at best, with the moon shining at maximum brightness. Halfway through the night she tore out of bed, frustrated, and yanked the curtains closed, and in doing so caught a brief glimpse of the castle grounds where the Whomping Willow stirred under several inches of snow. 

Worried. She was worried , that’s what this was. Like a doting mother, she was all worked up in the stress of wondering how beat up he’d look once it was all over. Is this what his parents, what Pomfrey, what the boys experienced? 

Never before had the responsibility to take care of Remus fallen on her shoulders. She’d felt concerned for him before, especially on those days when he returned to the common room shaking with fever or stumbled into an early morning prefect meeting with purple rings under her eyes. In a sense, she now felt as though his time spent in the Shack was somehow her fault, or at least that she ought to figure out the best way to make him comfortable afterwards.

That’s how she found herself slumped in the window seat with the curtains drawn back again, her forehead resting against the cold glass as she waited for the sun to rise. When it did, the snowy grounds were cast in a buttery yellow light. The moment she caught sight of a tiny figure hurrying across the grounds—Madam Pomfrey, it could be no one else—she pushed herself off the bench and hurriedly got ready in the bathroom. 

She shoved her bag full of things. Books, an assortment of Christmas treats she’d opened the day before, study materials, her knitting supplies…After tugging on a wool jumper and throwing her hair back into a ponytail, Lily exited Gryffindor Tower and picked her way through the castle to the hospital wing. 

When she got there, Pomfrey and Remus had already returned. Lily slipped in quietly, joining Pomfrey by his bedside as she fussed over him. The nurse hardly gave her a glance before saying, “Ms. Evans, I must ask you to leave—”

“He asked me to be here,” she replied, the lie rolling easily out of her mouth. Lily didn’t like lying, but she figured Pomfrey didn’t know she was in on the big secret. “Is it…was it a bad one?”

“Not the worst one, but worse than it has been recently,” Pomfrey said with some hesitation. “He’s a bit miserable, so I’ve already put him to sleep.”

“So I can stay?”

“If…” Pomfrey finally looked at her. “Oh fine, yes, if he’s told you he wants you here.”

Feeling slightly queasy from lying, Lily circled the bed and sat down in the chair on the left side. The chair was well-worn. Grape jam was splattered on one arm and there were little scratches on the other, haphazardly forming the head of a howling wolf. A little ways below that were the letters JP + LE and she resisted the urge to blush, wondering how long ago James had carved them. On the nightstand was a little card with Remus’ name written in Pomfrey’s delicate scrawl. A little present wrapped in red paper sat next to it.

Madam Pomfrey smiled wanly at the gift. “He’s furious with me for getting him something.”

Lily nodded, not surprised in the slightest. Remus hated being cared for. “I’m sure he’s still grateful.”

Pomfrey lifted Remus’ arm to finish tying off a bandage wrapped around it. 

“You can’t heal it?” Lily asked.

“Not magical wounds like these, no,” Pomfrey answered, pulling the covers fully over him. “I can help them heal faster, but they’ll stay forever.”

“You said the transformations have been better recently?”

Pomfrey eyed her warily, as if she wasn’t sure how much she was allowed to reveal. “The wolf seems to have mellowed out some, yes. But there are still some nights…hmm. Will you fetch me when he wakes up? He’ll need a proper breakfast.”

Lily nodded. She watched Pomfrey retreat inside her office before facing Remus again to get a proper good look at him. Lily had seen post-transformation Remus plenty of times before whether she was aware of it or not—and that was exactly what made it so different this time. This time, Lily knew what she was looking at. In fact, she’d entered the infirmary expecting to see it. 

That same underlying responsibility was there too, bubbling just under the surface, wondering what sorts of things James, Sirius, and Peter would do to make days like this one bearable. Would Sirius hold his hand? Would Peter sit quietly, fiddle with the corner of the sheets and give Remus a reassuring smile the moment his eyes opened? Would James talk his ear off about whatever popped into his head, just to keep Remus’ attention off the pain?

Then there were the other questions. The wolf mellowed out, she’d said. Why? Some nights were worse than others, she’d said. Why? Worse than it had been recently, she’d said. Why?

She thought of Remus waking up inside the Shrieking Shack, alone and struggling to move and wondering when someone would come to collect him, like some sort of plant being harvested, or a baby getting picked up from daycare. Did he feel helpless? Lily had never been inside the Shack, but she knew what it looked like on the exterior—dilapidated walls and boarded-up windows and all that. The building had a slight lean to it, like it was ready to fall over at the slightest prodding. Was it dark in there? Torn up from the wolf? Cold? The image of a dog kennel sprung to mind and she winced.

In recent months, Remus had returned after a full moon looking downright cheerful, having hardly spent a full day in the hospital wing before happily returning to his regularly scheduled classes and activities. What could possibly improve such a nasty experience in that god-forsaken Shack?

Friends , Lily thought. If I knew I had to spend the night alone and cold, I’d wish I could at least do it with friends.

Lily found herself frowning at Remus’ sleeping face. 

Too bad it wasn’t possible to spend a cozy evening with a werewolf…

Lily pulled out her books and stacked them on the bedside table. Propping her feet up against the edge of the bed, she took the first one off the stack and started to read, and she stayed in that position for the next three hours, unmoving, listening to the soft sounds of Remus breathing and glancing up every so often when Pomfrey bustled in and out of her office. When Remus did wake up, he did so slowly, rolling his head from side to side and screwing his face up against consciousness. He lazily stretched out his limbs and only froze when his leg ran into Lily’s foot.

“Morning,” she said coolly.

Remus squinted at her for a few moments as if struggling to recognize her. “Morning…”

He eyed her stack of books, pointedly looking past the gift waiting for him on the table. There was a cup of tea now sitting near them, courtesy of Madam Pomfrey, and a few empty wrappers from the treats she’d been snacking on. 

“You like chocolate?” she said

“Me?” Remus asked. “When I can stomach it. Poppy loves the stuff.”

She pulled a chocolate frog out of her bag and set it on the bed next to him. He picked it up and idly fumbled with the wrapper, but he wasn’t really paying it much attention. Perhaps he was thinking about the fact that she ignored his plea to leave him alone for the day. He shot a glance up at her face, noticed the chilling determination there, and resignedly lowered his gaze to the frog again. 

“What—what are you reading?” he asked hesitantly. 

“Madam Pince loves me, you know?”

“Oh, I know. You chat her ear off every time you go to the library. I sort of figured it was a manipulation tactic to get on her good—”

She closed the book and turned the cover for him to read, effectively shutting him up. “Restricted section. I swung by there yesterday. She let me walk in there and take what I wanted, didn’t bat an eyelash. Sweet lady.”

“Right. Uh, Lily…”

“It says here—” She cut him off by opening the book and holding up a single finger. “That werewolves pose a threat to humans in particular. They’re not known to go after non-humans—animals, I suppose it means—and in fact —” She glanced up at him over the edge of the book, eyes wide. “—they don’t even hunt, did you know that?”

“Fascinating,” Remus squeaked after a moment’s hesitation.

“Ha! Imagine a rabbit walking straight up to a wolf and neither of them do a damn thing to the other. Remember when we learned about werewolf identification in third year?”

“I remember all too well,” Remus croaked.

“There’s another identifier for the textbook, don’t you think? If you happen to have a rat in your pocket, well, pull it out and see if the wolf takes the bait.”

“O-oh, that wouldn’t work. See, because you’d just as quickly know it was a werewolf once it turned on you —”

“True.”

Remus made a point to avoid her gaze. His eyes were fixed on the door to Pomfrey’s office. Smiling pleasantly at the side of his face, Lily looked down at the book again and continued to skim the pages while she hummed to herself. She hummed a tune she’d come up with years ago. “ Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs… ” It had been a way to memorize their silly nicknames, which she hadn’t been able to keep straight without the stupid song. She’d put them in order of least to most infuriating. Now she started to wonder whether Remus ought to be lower down on the totem pole. 

“ Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs… ” she hummed again, grinning at Remus’ obvious discomfort. “Something wrong, Remus?”

He coughed. “Not at all.”

“Are you up, dear?” Pomfrey called, poking her head out of the office. “Miss Evans, I told you to tell me when he—”

“I just woke up,” he assured her, struggling to sit up.

Madam Pomfrey disappeared briefly before exiting the office, carrying a tray of food. She set it briskly on Remus’ lap and barked a quick order for him to eat before rushing out of the infirmary, muttering something about a Christmas prank gone wrong in the Great Hall. Lily was grateful to know that none of the boys could have possibly been involved with it this time. Smiling, Lily spun around to face Remus again and seized the opportunity that the empty room provided. “So what’s the secret?”

Remus picked up a slice of toast. “I’m a werewolf. Surprise.”

She slapped his shoulder lightly. “You idiot. What’s he mean by Prongs? Like, antlers? And Padfoot, like a bear? Do bears and wolves get along?”

“Lily,” Remus stammered, cheeks reddening. “That’s silly, what’re you—”

“And Peter’s a rat, isn’t he?”

“Peter is a boy.”

“I once caught James carrying a big fat one around in his shirt pocket. He doesn’t have a pet rat, you know—”

“Plenty of other folks have pet rats!” Remus said hurriedly. “Maybe—maybe he’d found someone else’s and decided to return it.”

Lily crossed her arms and waited. Remus waited too, as if he’d hoped she would give up the chase if he stayed quiet long enough. Unfortunately, Lily was fairly certain she’d just solved the mystery. His silence was proof enough. 

“Don’t ignore me, Lupin,” Lily said pleasantly. “No wonder Peter gets shit marks in everything except Transfiguration.”

“He’s great at Astronomy too,” Remus offered.

“You’re digging yourself into a hole.”

“I…I know.”

Lily shook her head. “Remus… animagi? You’ve got to be kidding. I’ve just spent three hours realizing why Sirius is always covered in bear hair—”

“It’s dog hair,” Remus snapped. Then he paled, realizing his mistake. “Oh, fuck…”

A slow grin spread across Lily’s face. “You sneaky little punks. When did they figure out how to—”

The doors to the Hospital Wing swung open. Both of them snapped their mouths shut as Madam Pomfrey returned, guiding a green-faced Hufflepuff inside. He was literally green, down to the roots of his hair, and little dandelions were blooming out of his ears. Remus caught Pomfrey’s eye and blushed. He was holding the same piece of toast, but he shoved it in his mouth right away under her stern gaze.

“We’ll be continuing this conversation later,” Lily whispered. She stood up and started packing up her things.

“Where are you off to?” Remus asked warily.

She smiled at him, leaned in, and kissed his cheek. “I’ve got to send an owl to some worried friends of yours. I’ll be back later.”

It wasn’t a question, or an option. Remus didn’t protest. With a wave and a bright “Goodbye!” to Madam Pomfrey, Lily left the Hospital Wing. She would have time later to be furious at James Potter, at Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew for their utter stupidity, but for now she let herself be pleasantly happy at their Gryffindor-ish determination to be the absolute best kind of friends a boy could ask for.