James had been waiting to see Regulus again for the entire holidays. He knew it’d be worse for Regulus though, what with his parents being the way they are. But even if he came back altered- a little hurt, and a little down, James would still love him. James would nurse him back to health, and hold him through the tears.
Anyway, James had been waiting. And now, here he is, he catches James’ eye and looks away quickly. James had always been endeared with how flustered Regulus could be around him. Grinning to himself, he turned to talk to Remus who had finished hugging Sirius after the break. It’d been a long one without Remus, especially with the other three of them being so close over the holidays- now that Sirius lives with James.
“Ah Remus, how was your holiday mate?”
And it was good, and everything was good. But not quite perfect. It could’ve been perfect if James could see his boyfriend. But the others are around, so they’d just have to wait until later. He chances a glance over, but Regulus is already looking at him.
The look they share is strange, similar to the looks he’d give before they started dating. It’s like Regulus is afraid of him. Flinching at the thought, James placates that it’s probably just because he’s just come back from two weeks with his parents, and that’s got to be tough.
Hours pass and James is longing (verging on yearning really), and it’s almost worse because they’re so close. But they meet at eleven, and Regulus won’t be there yet.
James repeats this, like a mantra, as he makes his way to the tower at nine, using some half-arsed excuse as to why he has to leave with the map. Regulus won’t be there. Don’t be disappointed. Regulus won’t be there. He won’t be there. He won’t be-
There he is. Cross-legged on the shined stone floor, and looking up at the stars. He bristles when James takes a step, making a sound.
“Hey baby, I missed you.”
Regulus doesn’t respond for a moment, but leans his head softly on James’ shoulder once he’s sat next to him. James almost thinks he hears, “I missed you too.” but it could have been the wind. When Regulus lifts his head James slowly takes his cheek into his hand, cupping Regulus’ face gently.
“Fuck, you got more beautiful.”
A smile plays at Regulus’ lips now. James is determined to make him laugh, and is about to tell a joke when Regulus shifts forward. Their lips collide softly, and Regulus presses a tender hand to James’ blushing cheek. Regulus sighs against James’ lips, and sounds vunerable and soft and relieved and James just wants to hold him forever.
But he pulls away. He swallows and James’ heartbeat quickens at his changed expression. He looks resigned, and a little scared.
“Reg?”
“James, I've got to tell you something.”
“Have your parents done something? Do they know about us?”
“Shit, don’t guess; that makes it worse. No. They don’t know about us.”
“Sorry. I don’t- you’re making me nervous, and not in a good-”
“Baby.”
“Sorry. What’s up?”
All at once, tears well up in Regulus’ eyes, and then- as if he’s banishing them- they disappear. He looks cold as he says, “I’m not gay, James.”
Rendered speechless, James can only breathe out whisps of words, never to be spoken fully. He gathers himself, letting Regulus study him, before speaking as steadily as he can.
“That’s okay, as long as you like me. You’re not- You're not trying to say you don’t like me, are you?”
And he can hear in his own voice the sound of his heartbreak. He can feel it, in his chest, as Regulus says, “I only like girls. I was... confused. You’re just collateral damage James.”
“But- you just kissed me. How can you not like me and then kiss me?”
“I wanted to make sure.”
But Regulus doesn’t sound sure as he says it. James latches on, he’s never let anyone out of his life without marks to show for it, and he’s not about to. He won’t let Regulus go this easily. He’s not sure he can.
“If you’re not sure that’s fine. I can work with not sure. Stay with me. Even if you are straight, even if you find me fucking revolting, just let me be around you. Please. I can’t-”
Regulus turns his head abruptly, and a tear rolls down his cheek. He bites his lip and swallows a sob before he turns to James and takes his hands in his own.
“It’s not true. I loved you, of course I love you. I’m not sure I even like boys, I think it’s just you for me. But, baby, you have to let me go. I can’t, or I don’t want to, tell you why. It’ll hurt both of us too much.”
He wriggles James’ hands from his own now, pulling them into his lap. James’ fall absently to his sides. He wants to shake Regulus. He wants to break him out of this, wake him up. Nothing could hurt James too much, he’ll be with Regulus forever.
“What is it? I promise whatever happened, we can work through it. I swear. Please just-”
The wind blows especially loudly, and ruffles Regulus’ robes as he pulls up his sleeve. He doesn’t look at James, only at the mark. James doesn’t gasp. He doesn’t yell. He doesn’t get up. He just sits there.
He expected this really, in the back of his mind.
He tastes bile and bites his tongue.
They will-
They can-
Maybe it could-
But no, in the end there is nothing. Nothing but the scar on Regulus’ arm, and the tears that burn lines along it. James touches his face with trembling fingers, feels the warmth from where Regulus’ fingers were just a moment ago.
“I don’t know what to do.” James breathes, so quietly that the wind might have carried it away. But Regulus’ attentiveness has not shifted, nor his compassion, and so much is evident when he says, “James. Yes, you do. Now is the time that you go to your dorm room, and you cry to your best friend, and you eat something, and you sleep in past practice tomorrow, and you miss me, and then you get over me. And you live a long life, away from the war and you’re happy.”
He looks up at James now with about as much weight as a churchgoer holds for a god.
“You go be happy now, James.”
So, he gets up. And he is watching himself, from outside of his body, when he walks out of the door. The warmth of the inside swallows him, suffocates him slowly. He doesn’t care. He misses Regulus.
He reaches his dorm room with a start: he hadn’t realized any time had passed. Sirius wants to know why he’s crying, and Remus is bringing him hot chocolate. He is passive as he holds it, and it’s a little too hot against the palm of his hand but he only tightens his grip. He misses Regulus.
He sleeps next to Sirius, finding himself sobbing into a shoulder the same shade as Regulus’. He doesn’t sleep or think or move until Sirius is starting to wake up, and then he sleeps for half the day. It’s a dreamless thing, hours passing by in darkness. He misses Regulus.
He finds that he can’t quite figure out how to do the last thing. His mind a hurtful loop of, ‘I miss Regulus I miss Regulus I miss Regulus I miss Regulus I miss Regulus I miss Regulus’
It doesn’t end. Not as he gets out the map again, nostalgia licking at him- the embodiment of an open wound being splayed open under the pouring of salt.
The astronomy tower will be warmer tonight than last night. It’s his first thought not about Regulus since last night, though the connection still makes him ache. He walks out, wondering how he got there.
And everything is happening again. He stumbles at the fear of a never-ending loop. But something is different, he doesn’t quite notice until he takes a step and Regulus flinches. His shoulders hitching with sobs as he reveals- accidentally- a knife on his arm. His flesh is red beneath the blade. Ink stains his blood, not diverting from it's pattern. James is confused for a few moments, still walking towards him slowly.
“What are you doing?” He asks gently. Regulus gasps through tears and looks up at James with a desperation that makes James instinctively pull Regulus’ head onto his chest, wrapping arms around him. Something sharp is in the way though, and with a start, James finally notices the knife. He feels the blood slick beneath his fingers as he fumbles to grab at it.
“Shit, did you-”
And Regulus just nods over and over again. Each nod is a beg for forgiveness, and an apology and an ‘I love you’ and a confession to a god. The knife is strewn on the floor: curtesy of a hurried James, but now Regulus tries to get it back.
“Baby.” James scolds as he takes the knife and pushes it far behind him.
“I don’t want, please I never wanted-”
“I know baby, I know.”
And now they’re rocking together, and Regulus is crying loudly into the crook of James’ shoulder as tears fall into his hair. James thought it was just the sound of crying, but now he hears it, Regulus whispering through hitches, “Baby, my baby, I’m so sorry, I love you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby, I'm just-”
James shushes him softly, stroking his hair and holding him. It will be okay. He doesn’t have to try and get over Regulus yet. They still have some time left.