James is pacing. He can’t help it, not when he’s been missing and loving and worrying for weeks and now he’s finally going to get to see Regulus again. Every second feels longer than it should as he waits to be reunited with those gray eyes and know he’s here.
Here.
Here.
Alive.
Safe.
Mine.
James knows deep down that Walburga can’t kill her only remaining aire, but that doesn’t mean she can’t do some damage. A lot of damage. James will never be able to get the image out of his head of Sirius in his living room last year, soaking wet and broken and bleeding. That was the most empty James has ever seen his best friend. His brother. The thought of Regulus still in that house makes a wave of fear and anger ripple through his entire body.
So he’s pacing, because what else? He takes in the come and go room, looking exactly the same as when they left it a few days before christmas. The fireplace crackles as it spreads flickering light across the surrounding stone and oak mantle. A soft rug lies in front of it, separating the flames from the brown sofa and the armchair that looks like it could swallow Regulus whole when he curls into it. The wall on the right has a king sized bed with a gray comforter and an abundance of warm brown pillows. James' favorite part though has got to be the ceiling. Littered across a dark night sky is every star and constellation known to man, centered around Sirius and Regulus. Not only does the sparkling sky littered in the House of Black seem to comfort Regulus, but James likes seeing the people he loves up there. Sirius, as a reminder that no one is unreachable, and Regulus next to him, as reassurance that since they’re both up in the sky together, James can bring them both home.
Just as his pacing has finally calmed due to his preoccupation with the sky, James hears the door click open and whips around so fast he gets a little dizzy.
“Hi” he says, unable to help the sigh of relief that comes out with it. A smile immediately grows on his face as he stares at the man across from him, finally able to quell the thoughts in his head that Regulus might not come back. Seeing him here, in person, whole and stunning as ever is an immense relief. Regulus is here.
Here.
Safe.
Mine. Mine. Mine.
James will never not be stunned by Regulus’ beauty. His sharp lines of pale skin give him an elegant glow, starkly contrasted by his black curls that fall across his forehead and brush the tips of his ears.
“Hi” he responds, taking a few, ever so graceful, steps into the room.
James isn’t sure exactly what to say, he’s been waiting for weeks to see Regulus, but suddenly it feels awkward. He’s practically vibrating with the desire to touch this man. To hold. To kiss. To love. But he’s now feeling self-conscious after so many weeks apart. What does Regulus want? Maybe he didn’t miss James as much as he did him. Maybe he only came back here as a courtesy.
But then the corners of Regulus’ mouth twitch and James knows. He’s seen this look before. He crosses the room in two seconds flat and stops toe to toe with the younger man.
“Can I?” he asks, hands hovering in between them. While his face remains as composed as always, Regulus’ eyes dart around the room. It’s so fast that anyone besides James wouldn’t notice, and his hands twitch almost imperceptibly before he gives a stiff nod. James gently brings his hands up to cup Regulus’ face as he tips his head back, and as soon as their lips touch they both melt. All of James’ insecurities immediately fall away as his every nerve ending ignites. Nothing will ever beat the feeling of cool skin on his and nimble fingers in his hair. Nothing changed over break and Regulus is here and he’s alive. Here and mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
Gaining confidence, Regulus tugs on James’ mess of a hairdo—he may have run his hands through it one or two hundred times during the pacing—with one hand and fists the front of his shirt with the other. They somehow move to the bed and everything is hands. Hands and kissing and love and longing. They press up against each other and run their fingers over every inch of the other’s body, as if trying to reassure themselves that the other is really there. It’s fast, and urgent, and as James tilts his head back to give Regulus better access to his neck, he almost loses his mind when Regulus licks that sweet spot right below his collarbone. He involuntarily grabs, trying to say yes, I love you, keep going but suddenly Regulus flinches. It's minute and Regulus shows no signs of stopping, but, of course, James notices.
“Hey…” he tries but is quickly distracted by Regulus' teeth on his earlobe. “Oh” he gasps.
“Shhh” Regulus tries to sooth as he goes back to James’ mouth. Because James is a weak man, he slips his tongue between Regulus’ lips in response. Deepening the kiss, he only backs up a little to bite Regulus’ lower lip, extracting an almost whimper from the younger man, and pulling Regulus closer on top of him. Thinking he’s effectively shut James up, Regulus starts to kiss a train down his neck again. But that’s when James notices Regulus is shaking. It’s minor, but his whole body has started trembling on top of James.
“Wait, just–” James tries again. “Reg stop for a sec.”
Regulus lifts his head but refuses to meet James’ eyes, instead focusing on the mark he was creating on the tan skin of James’ neck. “It’s fine James, don’t worry about it” he tries.
“Are you okay?” James decides to get right to the point.
“I’m fine.”
“Regulus,” James’ voice is warm and gentle.
“Godrick, I’m fine James, let’s not ruin this with words okay?” Regulus tries to end the conversation as he leans back in towards James’ mouth.
“Reg wait, you’re shaking.”
Seemingly resigned to the fact that he can’t be distracted right now, Regulus sighs and drops his head onto James’ chest. His entire body goes stiff above James’ and he momentarily presses his face into the Gryffindor sweater before lifting his head. Eyes cold and mask firmly in place. James' heart sinks ever so slightly.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about” he says in a detached tone as he climbs off of James’ lap and sits up against the pillows. Following suit, James sits back so he is beside the younger man, knees so close they could touch. With this new positioning and the relief of seeing him wearing off, James can finally get a look at Regulus. He was so happy to see him before that he didn’t realize how skinny and tired he looks. Dark circles carve into his face, which is paler than usual, and his robes hang off his body like they’re too big. His hair is lacking its usual healthy shine and his eyes look dulled. Despite regaining his composure, nothing about him looks calm or at ease as he sits with his knees tucked into his chest.
“Regulus please,” James tries again. He never stops trying.
***
Regulus finally turns his head toward James and is met with an open, warm stare. No judgment. No pity. He doesn’t know if it’s the pleading in James’ eyes or unrelenting love in his voice, but after a long moment Regulus feels his resolve start to crumble.
“It’s…” he clears his throat and tries again. “It’s nothing that hasn’t happened before, I’m dealing with it” he assures.
“Dealing with what? What happened? Did she…” James' words taper off as his eyes widen slightly.
No, it was much worse. “I shouldn’t have ignored Bellatrix, I knew what would happen.” He did. Regulus isn’t dumb enough to think he deserved it or that it was his fault, but he’s fully aware of the rules of the House of Black. He chose to disobey and in doing so, got himself punished. Regulus didn’t want to torture the injured deer writhing on this back lawn, so he faced the consequences. He didn’t lack control of the situation because he could have avoided the cursing if he’d listened. Done better. Uttered the words “avada kedavra” or even “crutio”. But he didn’t, so they did. And then they did again.
“You’ve got to be kidding me. Regulus. Did they feed you at all over break?”
Barely. “Let it go, James.”
“Let it go? I’m going to kill her” James’ voice is laced with venom.
You wouldn’t even make it past the front steps. “Stop.” Regulus says, standing up and half facing away from James. This is too much. “You’re not going to do anything.” James shouldn’t be thinking this way. Pure, optimistic, kind James Potter should never think of attempting murder, especially if it’s going to get him killed. Especially if it’s on behalf of Regulus Black.
“Regulus, this is ab—”
“No!” Regulus cuts him off. “You have no idea what you’re talking about!” he’s shouting now and he’s not totally sure why. This isn’t that. It isn’t. Because that would mean he’s a victim. That would mean he has no control. That would mean that he’s someone who needs to be protected, and then it would matter that no one ever did. So it's not that. It can’t be.
His mind is reeling with images of the deer, dead on the lawn. Of James, dead on the front stoop. Of Sirius, half dead and limping through Grimmauld’s gate. “You’re not going to do anything because you don’t know. I do. I know what’s expected and what’s punished.”
Walburga’s ice cold eyes watching Regulus vomit from pain on the porch.
“You and your fucking complex aren’t going to do anything besides leave me alone.”
Bellatrix laughing maniacally over Sirius’ body in front of the fireplace.
“I’m not Sirius, you don’t need to save me. I’m not leaving everything behind.” Anger washes over him in waves, flooding his limbs and making it hard to stay standing. Anger. Rage. It’s easier than everything else.
“Leaving behind?” James starts.
“Don’t” Regulus says, bite still harsh behind his words despite the tears he feels beginning to pool in his eyes. He tries to stop them, uses all of his will power to keep them in. But his mind won’t stop showing him images. And sheets of pain are now joining the waves, crashing on top of him until he can barely see.
Kreacher peeling him off the kitchen floor.
James in the come and go room.
Lying bleeding on the foyer rug.
Himself.
Sirius.
Standing by a bed and a fireplace.
Banging on his bedroom door for food.
James walking towards him.
James.
The deer, lying dead.
James lying on the bed.
JamesJamesJames.
James, lying dead.
Walburga standing over him.
“Stop!” he shouts, demanding his brain to obey. His heart is racing and his mind is reeling. Everything feels heavy and constricting and cold. Black edges are creeping into his vision, sharpening the images presented to him by his mind. His knees feel weak but his entire body is rigid.
Unaware of how he made it to the floor, Regulus lifts his head from between his knees when he feels a steady presence settle in front of him.
“Regulus, you’re safe, it’s James.”
James.
James infront of him.
Safe.
MineMineMine.
Through his tears, which apparently consulted his brain and are not listening to him either, he can make out James’ face. Concerned but calm. He looks like he’s been talking for a while.
“I—I can’t” Regulus tries but his lungs are on fire. When was the last time he breathed?
“It’s alright, breathe with me Reg” he can barely make out his favorite voice over the rushing in his ears. James is kneeling down across from him, not touching but close enough that Regulus can feel his warmth. He’s always a fucking furnace.
“Breathe in,” James takes a deep, exaggerated breath, “and out.” Regulus tries and fails to match his breaths. “Good.” No it wasn’t “Again.” James continues to guide him through the most basic human instinct of breathing. Honestly, get it together.
They continue breathing together for who knows how long until Regulus' pulse finally lowers and his breaths even out.
“Hey,” James says after a long moment. Regulus’s panicked eyes meet gentle brown before he quickly looks away again, fingernails digging into his knees. The two young men sit on the floor together, inches away from touching. James waits patiently as Regulus fights to regain control of his mind and body.
After a stretch of silence, the only sound being Regulus’ breaths slowing down, James speaks again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push. But it’s okay to be upset, Reg. I’ve got you.”
I’ve got you. The words echo in Regulus’ head and bounce around his chest. No. No one has him. His brother did at one point, but that hasn’t been the case for a long time. Regulus is alone and he’s fine with that. Likes it even. No one has him and that’s okay because he can handle himself. He protects himself. He’s no one’s burden.
But James is right here, caring and consoling. Accepting Regulus even though he just fell apart in front of him and not even flinching when Regulus screams and swears at him. He’s here and he’s warm and emotion is rising once again in Regulus despite his extreme desire to keep it down. I’ve got you. Three simple words rip through his chest and chip away at the cold ice that built up long ago. I’ve got you. What kind of person says that? James Potter.
James.
Safe.
Mine.
Here.
I’ve got you.
His face must show some of the distress he’s feeling because James goes to back up.
“It’s okay if it’s too much, I can go” he speaks softly, obviously trying to hide the hurt behind his words. He starts to stand and every fiber of Regulus’ body protests. NoStopStayWait. A mix between a whimper and a cough escapes his throat and before he can tell himself not to, he's reaching out and collapsing into James, who immediately understands and pulls him in. His strong arms envelope Regulus’ fraying parts, holding him together against his chest. As soon as he’s tucked away in James, he’s sobbing. Broken and barely audible. Carefully constructed cold insides cracking and shattering under the force of three words. Tears stream down his cheeks, soaking James’ maroon sweater.
“Let it out. You’re safe, I’ve got you” James whispers reassurances into the top of his head. One arm holding him tight around the shoulders and the other rubbing soothingly up and down his back. There it is again, I’ve got you.
“You’re safe now, just breathe.”
Regulus doesn’t even know why he’s crying at this point. He can’t remember the last time he cried. Not when Bellatrix crutiod him for hours. Not when he went three days without food. Not when his mother used occlumency to find out what Sirius was writing to him. But now all it takes is three words and he’s crumbling. Maybe he’s still coming down from the constant adrenaline required to survive in his house. Or maybe the lack of food and sleep is finally getting to him. Whatever it is, it’s left him making a mess of James’ chest and collar. Snot and tears mix as they flow down Regulus’ face, choking him before they land on soft fabric. He wishes he wasn’t breaking in the arms of one of the only people who really matters, but he can’t help it. James just holds him through it, letting him cry for as long as he needs.
“I’m right here, you can cry,” James is relentless with his affirmations, assuring Regulus that he’s not going anywhere despite this display. He just holds and comforts to the best of his ability. Regulus distantly wonders if he’s ever had to do this for Sirius.
“I don’t know what happened,” Regulus’ voice is raspy when he finally calms enough to speak.
“That’s okay,” James responds, turning his head to look Regulus in the eyes.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus’ cheeks turn pink as embarrassment burns through him.
“Never apologize for feeling Reg. Hell, I cry all the time,” James gives him a small smile. “Do you want to tell me what happened?”
“I just…I just lost it I guess.”
“It’s alright, I can't imagine what that place is like,” James shivers as he remembers the horror stories he’s heard.
Tears threaten to build again so Regulus presses his face back into the crook of James’ neck. “It’s not so bad…”
“Reg,” James' tone isn’t warning, just open.
“Fine,” Regulus pauses. He can do this. He can open up to James like James does for him every day. He at least deserves an explanation. Right? “No, they didn’t really feed me, and I’m a little messed up right now I guess.”
“I’m so sorry love,” James holds him tighter.
“They wanted me to…it’s not important. I just should have listened I guess. I knew she’d curse me. I just couldn’t follow instructions this time” he pauses to clear his throat. “Usually I have more time, to like regain control of myself, before I return to Hogwarts. But the cursing was yesterday and I’m just not feeling great is all.”
“You can be a mess with me,” James presses a kiss to his forehead. “I don’t need to know what it was to know you shouldn’t have listened and you didn’t deserve that. I’d pull you out of there myself if I could.”
Regulus knows what James means, what he wants. He wants Regulus to follow in his dear brother's footsteps and crawl to Potters, leaving behind his bloodline forever. He can’t. And he can’t think about that right now, never mind tell James and break his heart. Break both their hearts. Not tonight. They need to talk about it soon, but not tonight.
“I’m tired,” is what he decides to go with. Because truthfully he’s barely slept in weeks and feels about ready to fall asleep on James right now.
“Okay, love. Do you want to at least eat something first?” James replies.
“Fine.” As much as he'd rather just go to bed, James just let Regulus ignore his prodding about leaving the Blacks and he knows James isn’t giving up on every fight tonight. And besides, he is rather starving.
James slowly disentangles himself from the smaller man and stands, Regulus following suit. As they walk past the fireplace to the other side of the room James asks it for a meal for Regulus. A cupboard appears in the left corner, crown molding morphing so it looks like the brown door was there all along. James pulls it open to reveal a tray with two plates of roast chicken, boiled potatoes, carrots, and gravy sitting next to two bowls of yorkshire pudding and two chalaces of pumpkin juice. Regulus’ stomach is aching the second he looks at it. James takes the tray out and heads to the rug in front of the fire, Regulus trailing behind. They sit down, tray between them, and tuck in to the food. Despite feeling ravenous, Regulus is poised and proper as ever as he eats. James is the opposite, relentlessly shoving food in his mouth like he does every meal. Sitting in the warm glow of the fire, Regulus looks at the shameless boy in front of him and starts to feel slightly more comfortable. He gains speed and loses a bit of his posture as he fills his stomach that’s been empty for weeks.
About half way through the meal, Regulus has had enough of his own thoughts.
The deer.
His mother.
Panicking like a child.
Losing control.
He’s tired and eating his first real meal since before Christmas and he doesn’t want to be thinking right now. So he turns to James.
“How was your break?” He asks, because they’ve talked more than enough about his own.
James smiles around his sip of pumpkin juice and immediately dives into a story about Peter and Remus sneaking to Hogsmead to get firewhiskey, cigarettes, and sweets while Sirius and himself distracted their parents with an elaborate, and not at all planned, song and dance number. Regulus suppresses a flinch when James says “our parents” but other than that very much enjoys listening. It’s ridiculous, and irresponsible, but that’s James. Caring, absurd, shameless, and open.
“You’re an idiot,” Regulus deadpans after the story concludes, but he can’t help the small upturn of his lips. James just beams.
“Do you want the rest of my pudding?” James offers once Regulus has finished his own desert.
“No thanks, let’s just go to bed.”
James nods and stands, using his wand to clean up their dishes before reaching out to help Regulus up. He guides him to bed, hand gently hovering over the small of his back before Regulus leans into him and he places it there firmly. It’s odd, being taken care of like this. Being taken care of by anyone besides Sirius when he was younger. But it seems to come so naturally to James, and he does it without asking. He respects Regulus’ boundaries, but he cares for him no matter what. It makes him feel borderline uncomfortable and definitely like a burden, but it’s also just nice. It’s nice to not feel like the only one holding his broken parts together, even for a minute or two. So he lets James make sure he eats, lead him across the room, and support some of his weight as his eyelids start to feel heavier.
Once they reach the edge of the bed, they see that the room has left some pajamas out for them. James ignores them all together and strips down to his boxers while Regulus gets comfortable in pants and a cotton long sleeve. If James wonders why Regulus doesn’t take more off, he doesn’t mention it. Regulus is happy that way, James doesn’t need to see the scars. He’s opened up enough tonight.
They crawl under the covers, unnecessarily close on the huge mattress, and James curls behind Regulus, who forms his body perfectly to match. James wraps a warm, strong arm around the younger man, pulling him close. Face pressed into the back of his neck, James kisses where Regulus’s curls meet his pale skin.
Just as James’ breath starts to even out, Regulus can’t help himself. “I’m sorry I yelled at you” is all he says, voice small. He should just leave things be, but it’s already weighing on him and playing over and over in his mind as he tries to fall asleep.
You and your fucking complex
Leave me alone
I’m not Sirius
He never wanted to hurt James.
“Shhh…I’m here for whatever you need Reg,” is the response he gets. A soft, ever so understanding, whisper against the back of his head.
Regulus falls asleep that night more relaxed than he’s been in years.