July 9, 1994
"Why are you so pessimistic?"
You had once asked to me. It was a Tuesday evening, I was sitting on a sidewalk, and you were angry at me, you were always angry at me. I didn't know it at that time that I was actually living the best days of my life. If I had the mind I have now, I would have grabbed you by the shirt, pulled you, and kissed you right there. How would I have known you would leave?
"Why aren't you?" I said. "Don't you see how bad world is?"
"I don't see," you smiled. "I don't afraid anymore. I don't think anymore. I just love."
Years have passed, Rosie, now I walk along the same sidewalks, but there is one difference: You are not here.
As I walked along the sidewalks, I felt warm inside with the thought that you too might have walked the same paths. Well, it was quite possible, wasn't it? We might have greeted the same buildings, smiled at the same people, even fed the same pigeons.
Because we really did once, together. Ah, that past tense!
The weather is cold these days, Rosie. My coat is torn, it needs to be patched. I don't know how to sew.
A mother and daughter are walking a little ahead of me, together with me. They are not like me, they are not cold. That is not the problem though. The problem is that this little girl is noticeably disturbing, so much so that I cannot focus on your voice in my head. Didn't anyone teach her not to stare at people. What is she laughing at? Is it so funny? A homeless, unhappy man. What am I without you?
Is it so funny?
These streets are filled with people who can see but cannot hear, doll. Even the children of this city are terrible. Even the pigeons are terrible. When I feed them, they don't come and take them anymore. The children are laughing.
I am killing one of the last two cigarettes in the pack now. I always keep one, if you come out, I will give it to you. At the same time, I look at that child, is she still laughing? I don't want to pay attention to her, it breaks my heart. If you come out and show up, I will get better suddenly, then life won't hurt this much. But you won't come. Maybe if you come. I don't want to say it openly, but come back baby, please. At least send me a damn letter, come on. Its easy, just write: I love you, I swear I'll cry of happiness, all damn night.
People are blind, Evan. They are truly blind. No, not their eyes, their hearts are blind. When they look at me, they can't see you, Rosie! They see a homeless, disheveled, rotten young man. They can't see you. These people can't see that I'm talking to you, that I'm thinking of you.
When they look at me, they can't see you, Rosie!
But I thought I was just about you.
Aren't I, Evan? These people are blind, aren't they? You're not the blind one, I'm not the blind one. These people are blind, Evan, aren't they?
You're still here. You are.
Do you know that when you are not here, these old streets we used to walk together turn into a completely different city?
When you are not here, even the people who live here lose their humanity.
I pass by the patisserie where we ate cake together, went on our first date, celebrated your eighteenth birthday. Yeah a big party, remember? You kissed me after that. Don't you dare ever forget it. You loved that pistachio cake and you ate my slice too, my asshole.
It is not as beautiful as it used to be, something is missing, the old lights from the Christmas are not as bright as they used to be. The people who come out of it do not laugh as happily as we did in our time. No one can laugh as beautifully as you Evan. I go and get a cake for you from the patisserie, pistachio. Your favorite. The patisserie owner doesn't remember me, he doesn't remember that I used to come here with my boyfriend and that he kicked us out because we started make out. Can you come over to here Rosie, maybe then he will remember us, right?
The streets we walk holding hands no longer leads us to heaven, they lead me to hell instead. They also removed the bench we sat on together. When it gets dark, the stars turn their backs instead of smiling like they used to. I pass in front of that benchs idea, a bag of pistachio pastry in my hand, I imagine you and the bench. A stupid lover with light blond hair that never stays straight, lips pursed in a single line, freckles scattered haphazardly across his face, legs crossed. I miss you.
Why Evan, why?
What changed that we became like this?
Have we grown up?
Have we grown up too much to fall in love? Have you grown up?
Hasn’t growing up ever scared you without me by your side?
You’re not like me then, Rosie. You changed.
Because I am a coward!
Yeah, you were right. You always have been. I'm a coward!
While your absence scares me to death, getting used to your absence poisons my life just as much. I am afraid of waking up one day and forgetting you. I am afraid of waking up one day and realizing that I am no longer just about you. Disgusting Rosie, my stomach hurts without you, it's all disgusting. It's so disgusting that which stole you from me was one wiggly wand and two words.
I am afraid that you will wake up one day and forget me. I am afraid that you will never fulfill your promises even though you promised to "come back". I am not afraid of waiting for you forever, I am afraid of you never coming.
If I stood in a corner of your mind and waited, would I meet myself? Or is there no room left for me there too?
Did you kick me out of there too?
Can't I just come by, just for once?
Okay.
Come on Rosie, not funny anymore. Wake up.
If you were here, would you come sit on one of the benches on the asphalt with me? We could watch the people passing by together? Wouldn’t you like it? I don’t know where else I could take you. We would draw pictures on the sidewalks with soft pastels that we stole from Dora. You would make fun of me because I could never draw well, but yours would be worse. I would smile and kiss you. I miss kissing you so much Rosie, I miss your scent so much. How can a person smell like vanilla all the time without even trying? You owe me the answer to that Rosie. Just come back okay, when you come back I will find the recipe for that scent, that I fell in love with, on your neck. You and your vanilla scent, come back, my porcelain doll.
If I pinned an autumn leaf on your shirt, if I held a bouquet of flowers that were still as lively as the ones on the branch in your hands? Can I stood on your street and waited for you to come out to the window, then I would disappear. I would hide, don’t worry, just let me see you for a few seconds. Can't it be real baby, if I just watch, I won't touch you, you know it would be very hard for me not to be able to touch you, but if you want, I can love you with just my eyes.
Are you not giving me the pleasure of watching you from afar anymore? Are we enemies now?
Do I think too much, how can I stop thinking? Don't you know, I love you.
Thinking and loving, both are the only things I can do. Both is about you look.
My shoes get muddy when I step in a stupid puddle. That's what happens when you walk without looking ahead. That's why you shouldn't think too much, huh Evan? That's why you should look ahead, not behind.
Not to your past, because no matter how hard we try, we can't go back to those days. I tried everything evan, I fucking swear I tried everything but no. I just can't go back. Can't back to you.
No matter how rich we are, that money won't buy us a time machine, my rose. Not because I have a lot of money, because I don't have . I don't need either. I need a time machine. Or you. Most of all, you.
I can't help but be afraid, Evan, I really am trying. I'm a coward. I am afraid that what if you won't only leave your place next to me; you will also leave my heart and mind.
But we have a problem, Rosie.
I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to think anymore. I just want to love now.
Because it seems that this is the best and only thing I can do.
I'm your lover after all.
Right?