Chapter 2
His breath was coming out in white puffs as he stood on the doorstep, alternately ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door with one hand while the other hand stayed firmly in his pocket.
The cold was biting and he shivered violently as he continued to pound on the door.
“James, open up! I’m going to get frostbite out here,” Sirius bellowed, his knuckles aching.
Finally, after what seemed hours he heard the clicking of the lock and the door cracked open to reveal only half of James’ face.
“Go away, Padfoot,” James said, his voice sounding dead, defeated.
“Not going to happen,” Sirius replies as he pushes his way inside the apartment.
Nothing could have prepared Sirius for what he’s seeing, the place is trashed. Anything on a flat surface has been knocked off, there’s broken glass everywhere from smashed picture frames, vases, and wine bottles, beer cans litter the kitchen counter.
“Oh, James,” Sirius whispers to his best friend.
James doesn’t respond but instead just immediately bursts into tears, loud sobs tearing out of his throat. He walks back over to the couch where he’s built himself a nest of blankets and pillows and buries himself in it. His hand snakes out of the blanket to grab at the nearest glass and he chugs its contents all in one go. Sirius doesn’t need two guesses to know what the clear liquid inside was, the half empty vodka bottle sitting beside it is a dead giveaway.
Sirius walks cautiously over to the couch, glass crunching under his boots, and stoops down in front of where James has cocooned himself in. He hesitantly puts a hand in James' hair, stroking and massaging the scalp.
“I know, Prongs,” Sirius whispers, fighting back his own tears now. “I know.”
They stay like this for a long while, until James’ sobbing stops and he’s fallen into a deep, drunken sleep. Sirius can’t let James continue to live in this environment and so he, so gently as not to wake James, peels back the blanket layers of James’ cocoon and sees for the first time that James is covered in Lily’s favorite blanket clutching a teddy bear wrapped in Regulus’ favorite black hoodie.
The sight of Lily’s blanket, his brother’s hoodie, and Harry’s teddy bear does make Sirius lose his composure and he walks away as a sob bubbles up from his throat. He lets himself feel the wave of grief that hits and crashes over him. He rides it out just like his therapist told him to do. He cries for a few minutes before drying up his tears and walking back into the living room, putting on a brave face so he can help his best friend.
Sirius scoops James up in his arms and carries him up the stairs and into the bedroom where he tucks him into bed. James is snoring loudly in his drunken state and Sirius takes a moment to watch his friend. His heart aches for him, knowing that James has likely been drunk for days, barely eating, constantly sleeping.
Sirius closes the drapes and notices how pristine this room is, how untouched, the bed still made from the last morning Reg was in here, the laundry folded and ready to put away, obviously Lily’s doing. James must have been avoiding this room. Sirius wonders if James has been upstairs at all, he imagines Harry’s room frozen in time, just as the eleven-year-old left it that last morning. Sirius doesn’t have the strength to open Harry’s door to look, though.
So, Sirius drags himself down the stairs and begins cleaning up. And he cries. Sirius cries while he is sweeping up glass, cries while he is washing dishes, cries while he puts James’ cocoon blankets into the washing machine (minus Lily’s), cries while he bags up all of the beer cans to take to the shops for recycling.
When Sirius trudges down to the shop on the corner to recycle the cans and buy ingredients for dinner, his tears freeze on his face and people in the shop stare at the grown man bawling his eyes out at the grocery store. When he returns to James’ apartment he goes into the bathroom and cleans his face. He doesn’t want James to know he’s been crying, he wants to be strong for James.
James continues to sleep and Sirius cooks dinner, minestrone soup and toasted french bread. When it’s finished, Sirius has to do what he’s been dreading most. Waking James up.
He walks up the stairs slowly, wasting extra time, giving James extra seconds of oblivion before he’s ripped right back into ice-cold reality.
James should look peaceful in his deep sleep but he doesn’t. He still looks troubled and in pain, Sirius can’t imagine what kind of pain he must be feeling for his body to continue to reflect it even while he’s completely unconscious.
Sirius reaches down and shakes James’ shoulder, “James, wake up.”
James doesn’t wake on the first or second try but on the third try his eyes blink open and he squints up at Sirius.
“Pads?” he slurs, he’s still obviously very drunk.
“Yeah, it’s me,” Sirius replies with a hand in James’ hair. “It’s time to come downstairs and eat.”
James fights Sirius on this, begging to be allowed to go back to sleep but Sirius doesn’t relent. He doesn’t know the last time James has eaten and he’s very clearly lost some weight.
After some coaxing James follows Sirius down the stairs and to the kitchen table where Sirius has already set out two bowls of soup and a plate of bread for each of them.
They eat in silence, James picking at his food while Sirius eats even though it’s the last thing he wants to be doing. Sirius has also all but stopped eating, only managing small portions of food when Remus insists and sometimes not managing to choke it down even then.
Sirius eventually breaks the silence. “Remus and I were thinking, maybe you could come live with us for a little while.”
James doesn’t reply, just staring down at the food he’s not even pretending to eat. His eyes fill with tears and he brings his hand up to the side of his head and begins hitting himself. Over and over and over, his hand collides with the side of his head.
Immediately alarmed, Sirius leans forward to grab James’ hand to stop him.
“James, stop,” Sirius says as calmly as he can despite feeling anything but calm. His heart is racing, ready to come out of his chest.
James struggles against Sirius’ hand a bit but he doesn’t manage to continue.
“I can’t do this,” James whispers. “I can’t- I can’t do this. I don’t want to be here.”
“I know,” Sirius says. “But Reg, Lily, and Harry wouldn’t want you to keep hurting yourself on their behalf.”
“You don’t know what they would want because they’re dead!” James shouts back, tears flowing down his face, sudden anger marring his features.
The silence that follows James’ outburst is loud and stretches on and on. They sit and stare at each other for long minutes, James keeping steady eye contact with Sirius.
Finally, Sirius’ eyes betray him because he can’t stop the tears that form and fall down his cheeks. He doesn’t want to cry in front of James, feels like it’s selfish because his pain is nothing compared to James’, but he has no choice, he can’t stop it.
“I know that, James,” Sirius whispers, breaking the silence. He cringes to hear how his voice cracks, how broken he sounds.
James finally breaks his eye contact as he brings his other hand up to his head but before he can begin hitting himself again, Sirius grabs this arm as well.
“I’m not going to let you hit yourself,” Sirius says, his tone serious.
“It hurts, Sirius,” James moans, both of his arms struggling in Sirius’ grasp as he tries to free himself. “It hurts so fucking much that I can’t stand it. I don’t know how to live with this pain. I can’t live with it.”
“Come live with us,” Sirius replies, he doesn’t know what else to say. “At least we’ll all be together.”
They’re quiet for several long minutes, Sirius still holding James’ arms tightly in his hands.
“Come stay with us,” Sirius says again. “Just for a little while. For me. I need you, too.”
And just like that, James relents.
“Okay,” he says simply, hanging his head as all of the fight drains out of him.
Sirius eventually lets go of James once he stops struggling and James doesn’t attempt to hit himself again.
Together, Sirius and James pack a bag for James to take. They make sure to bring Lily’s blanket, Reg’s hoodie, and Harry’s teddy bear. Something to keep all three of them close by while he’s away from home.
James stumbles drunkenly as they walk to the car and gets in, shivering in the cold air.
They drive in silence to Remus and Sirius’ place, no music, no talking, no crying. Just silence.
When they arrive, Remus greets them both with warm hugs and a cup of tea each. And then Sirius puts James to bed in the guest room where he begins to sleep off the rest of the alcohol, cuddled up with the teddy bear, hoodie, and blanket.
While he sleeps, Remus and Sirius lie in bed, Sirius recounts the day's events, describing the state of the apartment when he arrived and the episode of self-harming behavior from James that he witnessed.
Remus holds Sirius as he cries. He cries for his baby brother, saying his name over and over and over again.
“He’s gone, Remus,” Sirius cries quietly. “My baby brother is gone and he’s not coming back. Lily, Harry… they’re all gone Remus. They’re all gone and I’m losing James too.”
Remus doesn’t speak, he just holds Sirius tightly, running a soothing hand up and down his spine as he cries.
Eventually, Sirius falls asleep cradled in Remus’ arms. Only then does Remus let himself feel the weight of his own grief. His eyes prick with tears and he brushes them away. He won’t allow himself to break under the weight of this grief.
James and Sirius need him to be strong, so he will be strong. There’s no other choice.