Regulus Black can’t sleep. Well, he can rarely ever sleep for more than a few hours at a time but some nights it is worse than others - and tonight is one of those nights. So he waits until he can hear the routine breathing patterns of his roommates before slipping out of bed and tiptoeing out of their dorm.
He could probably walk this route through the castle blindfolded now, it is almost as if he goes on autopilot and his body just knows where to take him. It gives him time to think, despite thinking being the main reason he can’t sleep in the first place. But he doesn’t choose that, his brain just doesn’t know how to switch off.
Being honest with himself, Regulus knows that he hasn’t properly slept since the night Sirius left Grimmauld Place. There were signs that he was unsettled before then, but it was always okay when Sirius was around. He would sneak into Sirius’ room once he heard the snap of Kreacher apparating for the final time of the day because it meant that his parents were definitely asleep. Sirius would be waiting for him under the blanket fort he built for them each night. Their childhood was days of harsh words and cold stares but nights of cozy sleepovers with whispered tales of knights in shining armour who saved the world. Regulus could only ever picture Sirius then, when his older brother was telling those stories of brave knights. There was no one more brave in his eyes and Regulus knew, he knew that his brother would always save him.
Once Sirius left, Regulus would tell those stories to himself each night, desperate to find some comfort. But the stories never were the same coming from Regulus’ mind; he just couldn’t see the world the way that Sirius did. Slowly, the knight became faceless too. Every night that passed in silent minutes, in a lonely house where the walls cave in and the paintings whisper your secrets, the knight’s face became more and more of a blur. Because Regulus couldn’t picture his big brother there anymore. He left and no matter how long Regulus waited, no matter how many times he crept into Sirius’ room in hopes of seeing a fort, he never did come to save him. Those stories were stupid anyway.
Regulus finds himself stood in front of the fruit-bowl painting before he even realises it. He is like a professional at sneaking into the kitchens now; he knows exactly where to tickle the pear in the painting so that it laughs quietly before turning into the handle and doesn’t wake anyone up. He has learned that the hard way.
“Good evening Pipky.”
The house elf looks up from where he is kneading some dough by one of the ovens. “Master Regulus! Good evenings Sir! What can Pipky makes for you?”
Regulus smiles at the elf. “What is on offer?”
“Anything Master Regulus likes, Pipky makes.”
“Oh, no, no I don’t want to cause you any trouble. I didn’t even come down here for food, more just to think. And for the company of course.”
“No good to think on empty tummy Sir.” Pipky tuts at him while clattering around in the oven and pulling out a delicious smelling tray. “Look, I has a cauldron cake just for you.”
He places the cake on a plate in front of Regulus just as his stomach rumbles.
“These are my favourite, no one makes them like you. How did you know?”
The house elf smiles proudly at him. “Pipky has a feeling Master Regulus is coming to his kitchen today Sir.”
“Ah, you know me too well.”
The truth is that Regulus likes spending time down here. It is in the lower levels of the castle but doesn’t have the same dingy feeling as the dungeon. It is always warm and smells like freshly baked pastries. He always found house elves good company, he would often find himself following them around at family functions just to watch how neatly and meticulously they work. They never get enough credit for how clever they are, so he would ask them questions and try to copy their way of speaking. That was until his mother would find him and drag him back to reality, scolding him for acknowledging the servants. He sometimes wishes that he didn’t rely so greatly on Kreacher. He wishes he were charitable enough to set him free. But alas, self-preservation over selflessness has always been his family’s strong suit.
“Who do I have to befriend around here to get myself one of those?” The words rip Regulus from his daze and land him firmly back onto his stool in the kitchen where his spoon is half way into his cauldron cake. He turns towards the owner of the voice, knowing who it belongs to before his eyes even fall onto that messy mop of hair. It’s the voice that has unfortunately been ingrained into his brain for the last two weeks. Ever since they had that stupid conversation and Regulus’ carefully constructed walls came tumbling down.
You see, Regulus had only ever had two other conversations with James Potter before then. One was on the Hogwarts express on his first day, when he finally met the boy that his brother told him about all summer. The second was before summer last year when James had found Regulus hiding in a cubby hole behind a statue. The rest were all half sentences and antagonistic quips aimed in their direction as he and Sirius passed by - though Regulus will say that those arguments were rarely started by him.
“What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same question.”
Regulus fixes James with a bored glare. He came down here for some peace from the constant buzzing in his head, he really doesn’t need to be disturbed by a bigger and louder bee. James just tilts his head and squints his eyes slightly - returning the scrutinising look but laced with amusement, rather than distaste.
It takes a minute before he smiles and drops onto the stool next to Regulus clumsily. James nearly knocks him off in his attempt to control all of his limbs.
“Do you mind?” Regulus huffs as he repositions himself.
James grins lopsidedly at him. “Not at all.”
Regulus rolls his eyes.
“Someone got some new pyjamas.” James nudges Regulus. Meanwhile Regulus is trying to blatantly disregard what he just said, knowing he is referring to that stupid jumper he wore ONE time. Alright, maybe it was more than once but who is James Potter to judge?
“Are you always this insufferable?”
“Yep!”
This is too much cheeriness for anytime of the day, how he can muster it this late at night is beyond Regulus.
“Now, no one answered my question. Can I get one of those,” he points to the cake, “or are they only reserved for grumpy slytherins after their midnight wank.”
Regulus whacks him hard on the arm but it does not seem to have the desired effect, in fact, James’ grin only appears to grow. He turns back to his cake. Maybe if Regulus just ignores him, he will go away.
That thought lasts about as long as it takes for him to take a bite and flick his eyes back to James. Oh.
The other boy's gaze is fixed on where Regulus is sucking the chocolate off of his spoon, his lips are parted slightly and his cheeks flushed pink.
Regulus puts the spoon down nonchalantly (fuck, he can feel the heat rising to his own face) and does his best not to look in James’ direction. “What?”
James just shakes his head and swallows before turning towards the house elf in front of him. Regulus doesn’t think he has ever seen James Potter blush. It isn’t a terrible sight.
“Just, uh, that cake looks really, uhm, nice. Is all.”
“Merlin, Potter.” Regulus isn’t sure if he is actually frustrated or maybe mildly frustrated in another way but he will not be letting James of all people know that.
“Pipky, could I have another spoon? My…friend here would love to try some.” Regulus blatantly ignores the way James’ face lights up at that.
“Of course, Sir.” He bows, but eyes James warily as he walks away.
“So we are friends now huh?”
“For the purpose of charming the elves into letting you share the cake they made for me, yes. Otherwise, you are dead to me.”
James just laughs at that. Merlin, he is so obnoxious. “You never struck me as the type to be friends with the house elves.” He follows on casually.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“No, sorry. I just meant…” He trails off as he looks at Regulus guiltily.
Regulus knows what he meant. The Noble House of Black does not exactly have a reputation for good treatment of their staff and they both know it. So he doesn’t understand why it stings that, in James’ mind, he is lumped in with the rest of his family. He should be proud. He isn’t, but he should be.
“They are kind to me.” Regulus says instead.
He goes to continue but he can’t find anything else to say. James doesn’t seem to need more than that though when he sends Regulus a soft smile which looks like it understands far too much. Regulus doesn’t like that he doesn’t know what it means.
Pipky places a spoon down in front of James. “For Master Regulus’...friend.” Imitating the way Regulus had said the word earlier.
James thanks him, clearly trying to desperately hold in a laugh, before turning to face Regulus and digging his spoon into the cake.
“Sharing desserts already, merlin, at least ask me out first.”
Regulus cannot deal with this level of James Potterness at 1am. Instead he just drops his head onto the table and sighs. But of course it is only quiet for a moment.
“What’s that?”
Regulus is going to kill him. “What now?” He groans. Usually, slamming your head against a wooden table is usually a big old sign saying LEAVE ME ALONE to any other sane person. He supposes James isn’t a sane person though, so.
“That drawing on your arm.”
At that, Regulus rushes to pull down his sleeve.
“C’mon, show me. Unless…you haven’t gone and got the dark mark now have you?”
James says it so cheekily but Regulus would rather not think about that possibility at all.
“No.” Not yet anyway.
“Okayyyy. So what is it? Some sort of cult symbol? A secret tattoo?”
Regulus scoffs. “If I tell you, will you leave me alone?”
“Depends on the answer.” James is closer now, leaning over Regulus’ shoulder to look at his arm.
He sighs again, rolling up his sleeve. “It’s a constellation.”
Regulus can barely blink before James fingertips are tracing the drawing. He freezes. James’ fingers are so soft and touch his skin so delicately, as if he could tear it. Even if he did, Regulus doesn’t think he would really mind. He tries not to focus too much on the goosebumps that each trace leaves behind. He doesn’t want to move, just in case James pulls away because he has never been touched like this before and he does not want it to stop.
“You drew this?”
“I do it sometimes, when I am bored. Or stressed.”
James looks at him like that is the most interesting thing he has ever heard and Regulus thinks Sirius might have been right about at least one thing. That when James Potter looks at you, really looks at you, you feel like the only person in the world.
“Canis Major.” James breathes once he finishes tracing the outline. The meaning of that sits between them, both of them knowing but neither of them threatening to burst the quiet bubble surrounding them.
“How do you know that?”
“It has the dog star. The brightest star in the sky.” He means: it has Sirius. And that is what Sirius is. He always will be the brightest star, wherever he goes.
“What about your star?”
Regulus draws his eyes away from where James’ fingers have paused on his wrist. “My star?”
“The Regulus star. What is it like?”
Your star.
“It’s a part of Leo - the Lion constellation. It’s situated at the bottom. It looks like one star but it is actually made up of four.” He takes a deep breath. “It is said to represent the heart of the lion.”
“Huh.”
This interaction is beginning to itch at Regulus’ skin. It’s too close. Too fragile. Regulus can’t trust himself to keep it safe, he feels like he will break it. “What, no snarky remark from you, Mr Gryffindor?”
“Nah. I think that suits you.”
Those words drip down Regulus’ spine in a way he can’t begin to dissect so instead he uses the pause after James speaks to upturn the direction of their conversation. “You never said why you were down here anyway.”
“Why do you want to know? Are you stalking me?” James pushes up from his stool, backing towards the kitchen door. Regulus rolls his eyes for what feels like the 100th time tonight.
James splays himself against the wall, his eyes darting around the kitchen suspiciously and muttering some stupid code about not giving away his location into an imaginary walkie talkie. Basically, playing spies.
“Come in, come in. Do not let Lion-heart find me! He is following me. I can’t escape him. Do not give him any information. Do you copy?”
Regulus’ heart lurches but he tries not to show it. He schools his face into one of boredom.
“You are a child.”
“You love it really.”
“Are you finally going to leave me alone now?”
James snorts and raises his hands in surrender. He grabs the handle but turns to wink at him before opening the door. “See ya, lion boy.” He whistles as he walks out of sight.
It is only then that Regulus looks back down to the now cold cauldron cake in front of him and realises that James didn’t even take a bite.
Regulus tries his best to forget that night in the kitchen, but all of his hard work comes crashing down around him a week later when he is sitting in the library.
Evan and Barty got bored about an hour ago and went outside to torment some first years, or whatever it is that they do together. Regulus didn’t mind, it has meant that he can actually read in peace for once. Honestly, sometimes he thinks that he needs to bring them some colouring books or snacks or something to keep them entertained, the children that they are.
He is reading about a potion that can help the effects of the drinker’s spells last even longer but these books are getting it all wrong. You would be able to find almost all of his potions books with scribbles in the margins and crossed out directions. He just knows how to do it better.
“You really shouldn’t be defiling school property like that, Little King.”
His head snaps up to where James Potter is leaning against a bookcase across from Regulus’ desk like the cocky bastard he is.
“What did you just say?”
“I said, you really should know better than to draw in library books.”
“No. After that.”
James flushes a little. Oh. “Uh, well, I might have done some reading…”
“Reading on astronomy? You don’t even take that class.”
“It was only really after you told me about those stars the other day.”
He shrugs as if it is the most casual thing in the world. As if he hasn’t just admitted that he has been thinking about that night in the kitchens. As if he hasn’t just called Regulus by the name Sirius did for their whole childhood. That was the thing about those stories he told; the knight was always saving the little king.
Regulus is trying so hard to bury that tiny seed of hope that James Potter keeps coming along and watering.
“Well, I learned that the Regulus star is actually the brightest star in its constellation. It’s 79.3 light years away from earth. And, obviously, that Regulus means ‘Little King’ in Latin.”
Regulus feels like his lungs are collapsing. “What else did you learn?”
“Oh. Erm. I only really read about that one. Your one.”
And if he thought he couldn't breathe before, that punches all of the air out of him.
He glances at the window - it’s getting dark already. Regulus gets up from his chair and walks towards the corridor, leaving a stuttering James behind him. He turns back to look at the other boy; he is standing where Regulus left him, frowning down at his hands which are fiddling together nervously.
“Are you coming?”
James’ head shoots up and his hazel gold meets Regulus’ stormy grey for confirmation that he was, in fact, asking him to follow. Regulus likes the feeling of knowing that he was the one to replace James’ frown with one of those ridiculous grins, even if he was the reason for the frown in the first place.
They walk through the halls mostly side by side but James occasionally has to jog to keep up with him. He doesn’t pester Regulus nearly as much as he expects. It’s like he is worried that if he speaks, Regulus might change his mind and leave him behind again. That is probably true to be honest.
Before long, they are climbing the stairs to the astronomy tower. Regulus sits down cross-legged facing the lake and peers through the gaps in the railing. James sits down next to him without question.
Regulus doesn’t know whether James means for his voice to come out as a whisper, but it does. “What do we do now?”
“Now we wait.”
The thing about James Potter is that this whole act, none of it is fake. Regulus has met a lot of fake people in his life, merlin, he is one himself. Sometimes, a person is so broken that the cracks in their perfectly constructed mask can only be covered by new coats of paint in the hope that they might just disappear. But they don’t. The cracks just deepen beneath the surface, smashing and shattering on the inside. Gradually the fresh paint that is forced to hide what’s underneath, turns dull with time - fading until it’s nothing. James Potter’s mask doesn’t have any cracks. He truly, genuinely cares for the people around him and Regulus didn’t realise until this moment how desperate he was to become one of those people. Of course he would never tell James that though. Regulus knows that there is still so much to learn about the boy sitting next to him on the floor, that there is so much underneath the mask that he wants to uncover. But right now, he just wants to bask in the sunlight that radiates off of his skin.
Regulus stands suddenly, rushing over to the telescope. He can feel himself smiling as James comes up behind him.
“Look.” He positions James in front of the lens.
A pause. “Wow. Stars.”
Regulus looks at him, unimpressed. He drags James to the side of the telescope, pointing towards the sky. “Can you see it?”
That earns a sheepish smile out of James before he squints at the sky again. Regulus can’t help but let out a small laugh at the way he is trying so hard. He isn’t even really thinking when he comes up behind the other boy, reaching down his arm to bring his hand up to point at the star. “There.”
James breathes a shallow, oh.
It is only then that Regulus actually feels the muscles of James’ back relax against his chest and his hand curl up to meet his pale fingers. Fuck, what is he doing?
He is just about to make some rushed excuse about homework and run back to his dorm when James breaks the silence.
“So that’s you?”
“What?” Regulus doesn’t mean for it to come out as breathless as it does.
“That star, that’s your star yeah?
“Yeah, uhm, yes. That’s Regulus.”
“It’s beautiful.”
But James isn’t looking at the sky when he says it, he is looking straight at Regulus.
Regulus thinks he might actually melt if he opens his mouth to speak so instead he just nods.
James moves to sit on the floor with his back pressed to the base of the telescope. He is still pointing where Regulus showed him and is now attempting to draw the constellation in the sky by connecting the stars. Regulus sits next to him, just watching. He really is a fascinating creature.
Regulus has always found comfort in the stars. He could sit and watch them for hours at a time. He likes that each one is different, has its own special place and its own unique meaning and he likes that it's endless. That no matter how much you studied or watched, you would never be able to see every single star. Some are hidden away, shining only for themselves. He likes that, even after Sirius left, there was always a place where they would be together if he just looked up.
“Sometimes I wish I could be up there too.” He can feel James’ gaze on him and tries not to flinch away from it. It is just so bright, you see.
“Well, I don’t.” Their stares meet. Regulus thinks that looking into James’ eyes is what it would be like to look at the sun under a magnifying glass. “I am pretty glad we have you down here.”
Regulus rests his head back on the structure behind them, and closes his eyes. He knows he needs to go back to the dorm before his friends start wondering where he is but he lets himself have a bit more time. He is going to let himself bask in this moment, just for a minute.
It is safe to say it comes as a bit of a shock when Regulus blinks his eyes open to a cold breeze rustling his hair. It takes him a minute to collect his thoughts, trying not to panic because where is he?! before he realizes that he is in the Astronomy Tower. Admittedly, this is not the first time he has fallen asleep here. Judging by the sky it is still early, teetering on the precipice of morning but still speckled with stars and a dangling moon. He should probably get back to bed before Barty wakes up - that boy is nothing if not an early riser (Evan on the other hand…).
He moves to stand before feeling a weight on his shoulder that he definitely should have noticed before. How did he not notice that James Potter was fast asleep with his head in the crook of Regulus’ neck?
He gently pushes James’ head off him, moving it to rest on the telescope behind him.
Fuck, fuck, fucking fuck, this is not good. You fell asleep with JAMES POTTER of all people? And the worst part is that you want to stay. Get your shit together. Okay. Regulus calm down, everything is fine. It was an accident, you were just showing something to your friend. Friend? Can you even call James Potter your friend? Shit. And what kind of friends star gaze together? That is so fucking stupid. You need to stop panicking. Right, just leave now and think nothing of it.
Regulus is mainly focusing on trying to breathe properly while he makes his way to the stairs. He is feeling quite successful too, ready to leave every single thing he feels for James Potter in this very room for the wind to blow away.
“Wherygoing?” A sleepy mumble stops him on the second step.
Regulus did not think about the very major complication of James actually waking up. He turns back to face him but he doesn’t even have anything to say. He is met with the perfect mess of James’ morning face. His hair is sticking up in all different directions, his glasses are sitting wonkily on his head and he is rubbing his eyes. He looks so soft. Regulus tries not to let that softness reach him, taking another step away.
Regulus watches as James’ gaze wilts in disappointment. “Oh.”
It is the first time that Regulus has felt awkward in James’ company. He fidgets on the step, half of him begging to go and sit back down next to the boy who is just beginning to glow in the morning light - the other half of him desperate to run away and never look back.
Regulus fights against the invisible strings that are tugging him towards James like a puppet. He looks at James’ disheveled form again before turning away.
“I really should go.”
He stumbles down the stairs haphazardly, each one presenting a hurdle that he doesn’t know if he is mentally strong enough to jump, each one leading him further and further away from where he actually wants to be.
There is no one in the corridors but he can still feel eyes following him. The portraits whisper as he paces past them, like they can see his secrets as if they had been etched into his skin.
Regulus is trying not to think at all. This is like when he is trying to sleep - thoughts are tumbling through his head like waves and he is drowning in them. He doesn’t want to think about anything anymore, especially not how he feels like he is going to be sick. He can’t tell if it is because he doesn’t know what is going to happen to him next or because of what he knows he is leaving behind.
He is so caught up in his own mind that he doesn’t hear the footsteps running behind him.
Then there is a hand on his shoulder, swinging him around to face a still sleepy but now fairly out of breath James Potter. James rests his hands on his knees and seems as though he is trying hard to catch his breath. Honestly, Regulus thought he was an athlete.
“Godric, you are fast.”
Regulus just stands still, frozen by the idea that James just ran here from the astronomy tower to catch up with him. He can’t have left more than two minutes after Regulus did.
“Are you okay?” Regulus whispers far more fondly than he plans to.
James looks at him properly then. “Yeah, I just wanted to say thank you. For last night.”
Regulus just doesn’t even believe this boy is real. He just nods at him, scared of what would come out if he speaks right now. He goes to walk away but James stops him again.
“Come to Sirius’ birthday party on Saturday!”
“What?” That does not sound like a good idea. Besides, Sirius would never agree to let him in.
“James, I-”
“Just say you will come.”
Regulus studies him for a second. This beautiful boy in front of him with his soft skin that looks as if it has been kissed by the sun and his stupid smile. And Regulus just can’t help it. He can think about the complications later.
“Okay.”
He turns on his heel to walk away, trying to hide the small smile that is playing on his lips. Merlin, James Potter is going to be the death of him.
When Regulus finally crawls into bed, he is asleep before he even has a chance to draw his curtains. Maybe it’s because he feels, for once, like perhaps things aren’t completely awful. He dreams of the knight who saves the little king. Because yes the knight became faceless after he lost Sirius, but it didn’t stay that way. The knight had a new face once Regulus arrived at Hogwarts and it was one that didn’t look like his older brother anymore. No, from then on the knight had messy brown hair and golden eyes.