Big Star
Claire loved lazy Sundays - especially the morning. She used it as an off-day from writing - so she could waltz around her top-floor apartment in New York. A lot of her singer-songwriter friends had moved into two, three, sometimes four storey properties, but Claire liked the freedom a city penthouse offered. The living space and its floor-to-ceiling windows that she could watch the sunset from. That view of all the lights in the city when the sun went down - all those little twinkling lights, all those individual lives living in parallel.
This Sunday, however? Not the usual calm.
Claire was in her element. Wearing a lavender-coloured sweater and some black sweatpants, she busied herself with a simple breakfast of scrambled eggs on toast, humming along to the new Sam Fender album, she was in her bubble. It was always so quiet up here - for good and for bad. Sometimes, she needed the option to just hear - nothing - after a fun, but tiring day in the studio. But other times, like now? She would fill the air with whatever album she was obsessed with - and right now, that was People Watching.
She'd even noticed that a couple of the instrumental stylisations from that record had snuck into her new material. They weren't blatant, just subtle enough that she'd say what had influenced the album in an interview, and it would make sense.
Lost in the music, Claire nearly jumped out of her skin when the doorbell notification sounded on her phone. When she opened up the app, her breath caught for a second.
Ellie was standing there. In the nicest way possible - Claire could tell she wasn't at her best. The girl she'd grown accustomed to seeing in bright yellow dresses and with sea-salt soaked brown hair was... a little worse for wear. She wore a baggy pink hoodie, a pair of nondescript tracksuit pants, and some Converse that were probably once white, but now greyed. Her hair looked newly dyed - a few shades darker than it'd been when she first met her.
"Hey, Claire, um..." Ellie looked into the camera, and this upset Claire - because she could see how prominent the bags under Ellie's eyes were. "I know that we... haven't talked in a little bit, and, uh... I don't even know if you're in, but..."
Claire didn't let her finish. She knew that her friend was in a bad state, and couldn't bear knowing there was only a door between them. Putting down her plate and phone on the kitchen island, she rushed to the door, flung it open, and wrapped Ellie in a tight embrace before she could say anything else.
"Oh. You are here. H-hey." Ellie murmured into the hug. "And I'm so glad I am." Claire replied softly. "If I'd been anywhere else - even if that was 10 minutes away at the studio or in another state, I would've felt awful for not being able to help."
"Oh my god, Claire." Ellie looked at her, her voice wobbling a little. Claire smiled back reassuringly. "Do you wanna come in? You seem a bit... fragile, and I don't think either of us want you to have a moment in the hallway." "Of course, if you.. wouldn't mind?" Claire giggled. "Ellie, come the fuck on. Am I going to rush out of my apartment to give you a hug and then slam the door in your face?" A little bit of the light returned back to Ellie's eyes as she heard that, and she nodded. "Okay, come on." Claire pushed open the door. "I just made myself some eggs, but I'll make you some, too."
"So." Claire started. They were sitting opposite each other at the glass dining table. The clouds were grey, and the wind had started to blow the oncoming rain into the windows. Claire had finished her breakfast, but Ellie had barely started.
"So." Ellie bit her lip, and played with her hair nervously. "Uhhhh... fuck it." She looked down. "I- I broke up with Lily." "Lily?" Claire was confused. "Yeah, Lily. My girlfriend. Well, was. Fuck." Tears started forming in her eyes.
Claire was shocked. She hadn't spoken to Ellie properly in years - here and there at an event, but not for long. Ellie had been... distant ever since her last album came out. They'd spent those few weeks in the summer of 2020 on some backing instruments and vocals for final touches - but since about November 2020, they hadn't exactly found the time to sit down and catch up. "Ellie..." She started. "Firstly, I'm...so sorry. But my second question is...what happened to leave you like this?" Ellie's lip quivered - and sensing that the table probably wasn't the most comfortable place for this, Claire got up, and gestured that Ellie come and sit next to her on the couch.
Ellie stood up slowly, and moved to sit next to Claire - legs hugged to her chest, staring out of the windows. "We... dated for two years. And- broke up two days ago. I've been... a mess, to say the least." Ellie laughed, a cold, emotionless, pained laugh. "Pretty much, she dumped me, and told me to get my shit out of her house. Nothing short of putting it in boxes and leaving me with my entire life on the doorstep outside." Claire looked at her, concerned. Ellie kept staring away, not wanting to initiate eye contact - because she knew the question that was coming next.
"Ellie, that sounds. Traumatic." Claire played with her hands. "Why- no, how - did it get that bad?"
Ellie took a slow intake of breath. "She- she said I was. Too distant." Her voice began to tremble. "After the album came out like... god, it was two summers ago now. Anyway." She played with her hair nervously. "I had no inspiration. Which I've had before, but...never to this extent. It got to three or four months, and I was just..." She sighed. "I was losing my mind. But then I... met Lily." "Where'd you meet?" Claire asked, gently. "At an awards show." Ellie murmured. "She got nominated, and didn't win, but... we met at an afterparty, and immediately hit it off. We went on a couple dates, and then... became a thing. Moved in together after two months." She smiled sadly. "Lesbian stereotype and all that."
She cleared her throat. "Things were. Great. For a while. But after another few months, after I wrote a few run-of-the-mill new relationship songs... the block came back. And I don't do well with distraction so... I'd be in the studio a lot. Ten hours a day." She sighed shakily. "I'd come in super late, and... Lily would be okay with it, chalked it up to the whole 'living with a musician' vibe, until... she...uhhhh...she didn't."
"She...began really hating me for it. She stopped leaving dinner for me in the fridge. I'd wake up in the mornings, the only real time we got together before she went to do whatever acting gig she was working on, and before I went to the studio...but she just wouldn't be there. She'd message me, saying something like 'took a walk! Sorry to miss you, see you later!', and... we lived like that for a bit longer."
"Then. The incident." Those tears started forming, and one ran down her cheek. "Fuck." "Take your time, El." Claire reassured her, tentatively reaching out a hand and placing it on Ellie's knee. Ellie looked at her, then back down at the floor.
"I'd been at the studio all day." She continued. "Writing nothing, as always. Staring at the walls. Coming up with random, irrelevant lines and melodies. And then I went home. But when I got in, I... could tell she was in a worse mood than usual. She started off by ranting about a junior director that had pissed her off, and then...turned to me. She was in that mood, and I was the best target."
Ellie looked at Claire, for the first time in the conversation. "She said that I didn't really care about her in the relationship at all. That I wanted us to date just to write new material. That us dating didn't mean anything. And...with everything that had happened, I agreed with her. I stood there like a bitch, and nodded as she yelled at me. As she told me that she hated me. As she told me that she wished she'd never met me!"
Ellie burst into tears. Instinctually, Claire closed the gap between the two of them, and wrapped Ellie in a hug. Ellie sobbed freely into Claire's sweater, and Claire softly stroked her hair, in an attempt of reassurance. Claire wasn't very good at knowing what to do to reassure someone, but she hoped this at least helped a little.
Ellie bunched up fistfuls of Claire's sweater, clinging to her. "Thing is, she's right, Claire!" She sobbed. "I was the problem. I was so fucking selfish. I deserved everything!" "No." Claire looked at her. "Ellie. Look at me." Ellie looked up from the embrace. "You can't shoulder all this blame." Claire murmured. "From what you've said, it definitely sounds like you both were going through it - and I'm not saying you're completely faultless, but... Ellie, nothing can justify what she said to you." "But... what she said was true. I was a shitty girlfriend. I should've given her way more time."
"Ellie. Look at me." Claire said. She placed a hand on Ellie's clenched fists. Ellie blushed slightly, and looked at her, sniffling. "What's important is that you got out of that. And now you can spend some time to heal from that. It would've been so much better if it hadn't turned into a fight and you felt so silent, but... you can't change the past." "You're right." Ellie admitted. She sat up, and moved a touch away from Claire - but didn't move Claire's hand from her fist, which had loosened. Claire looked down at it and smiled - gently opening it up and placing her hand on top of Ellie's with a smile.
"Did... you come to New York to try and find me?" Claire asked. "Well...no and yes." Ellie replied, biting her lip. "I... have a friend in the city. We're not the closest, but I told her that I got broken up with and needed a place, and she didn't pry." She fidgeted a little. "I've gotten good at that. Concealing the truth a little." Claire opened her mouth, as if to speak, but closed it. "And I said I was going to New York to Lily, basically the last thing I said to her..." Ellie stared off into the distance for a moment before continuing. "She shipped my stuff to some storage in NY. So that's... something. I still paid for it, though."
"Regardless. I'm so glad you came to me." Claire looked at her. "I know things have been... difficult between us these last few years. But I'm glad I gave you my address when I moved here, out of instinct." Ellie smiled softly, for the first time since she'd arrived. "Me too. I... knew that you were probably my best call. We've literally written music together - that tells me enough about the level we're on." Claire giggled. "That's true. I don't know, I just... feel like I should feel guilty for not reaching out?" "Oh, Claire." Ellie sighed. "I don't think it's either of our faults. Music gets so busy. Especially these last few years, I..." She stuttered, and Claire squeezed her hand to encourage her. "I feel like I haven't been a musician because I haven't been writing."
Claire frowned at her. "Ellie, come the fuck on. I know there's the 'you're your own biggest critic' thing, but... once you become a musician, you never lose that." Ellie nodded. "I'm always in awe of the stuff you write. And I'll always be here to tell you that your music is incredible." "Aw, Claire!" Ellie reached out and hugged her tightly. "And same goes for you." She murmured into Claire's shoulder.
"I know exactly what to do." Claire smiled. "We should go to the studio soon. Maybe not right this minute, but... give it a bit." Ellie smiled. "Yeah! I'd love to do some work with you." "Nuh-uh, don't say that!" Claire teased. "What?" Ellie was confused. "You're doing the thing where you set rigid boundaries. I'm not gonna be your colleague, I'm gonna be your friend helping you to get back into writing. Reframing!" Ellie smiled. "Okay, fine. You're right. But..." She frowned. "It's gonna be so hard to find the time."
"Well..." Claire started. "I have no one else here. Why don't you stay a few weeks, and I'll get you back on your feet?" Ellie was shocked. "Really?" "Of course!" Claire smiled. "Listen. I know how this stuff works. Yes, you're feeling ten times better than you did a few minutes ago. But breakups aren't that simple. It's gonna hit you in waves. So if I can ease the stress by taking care of you for these first few weeks, I absolutely will." "You're so sweet, Claire, my god." Ellie blushed, smiling. "I'd love to." "Then it's settled!" Claire smiled, giving Ellie's hand another squeeze.
The rest of the day passed quickly. Claire suggested that they visit some of the museums in the city, and so they did. Claire could tell that Ellie was getting more comfortable in her presence, which made her happy. She wanted to be a safe space for her friend, even despite the distance they'd been able to feel over the past couple of years. As Claire wandered around the city with Ellie all day, she couldn't help but smile and laugh with her. She hadn't felt this happy in a while - it just reminded her of how lonely her job could get, and how lonely the big city was, while she was up in her penthouse.
"A day out was exactly what I needed." Ellie smiled, as the two of them walked back towards Claire's building. "Goal achieved!" Claire giggled. They'd just had dinner at a sushi restaurant, after the afternoon in the city had flown by. Claire felt that they definitely were comfortable in each other's company - but something felt... weirdly heavy. She would catch Ellie staring when she wasn't paying attention, and when they locked eyes... Claire wasn't sure how to describe how she felt. But, she dismissed it - it was the first time they'd been existing in the same space on purpose for years. Obviously, some creases would be ironed out naturally.
They headed into the apartment block, and towards the elevator. They got in, and it began moving upwards.
Claire looked at herself in the endless reflections, and stole a glimpse at Ella. She was adjusting her hair in her reflection, and it made Claire smile. No matter what, she was going to be there for Ella, for a bit. She didn't know if this odd feeling in her stomach was going to go away anytime soon... but she'd cross that bridge and address it when the time was right.