The pain was incredible when Remus woke up from his post-full moon unconsciousness. His head throbbed tremendously with a headache, while his whole body felt like a broken chair, which had been sat on for the first time in years, and broke into several pieces. He didn't want to open his eyes, and be greeted by the bright glow of the lamp, which he knew was in Poppy Pomfrey's room. He knew this part of Hogwarts almost as well as the Gryffindor house he lived in.
He could hear footsteps and voices talking in low tones. Too low to be common. The other three in the group used to give their natural tones when they sat with him after the moon, but there used to be a tinge of worry there. Today, instead, there were some aggressive whispers. Remus couldn't hear who it was. He had never heard it before.
Completely ignoring the headache settling in the paper, he opened his eyes, blinking several times to let them adjust to the light. He couldn't help but moan in pain when he happened to move his hips too fast. The werewolf had really been at play last night. Remus immediately felt a warmth at his side. He let his eyes wander there, careful not to turn his head too quickly, or at all.
His lips turned into a small smile when he saw Sirius next to him, but stopped immediately when he saw the outstretched hand, which was very uncertainly in the air, but made no motive to move closer. Hazel's eyes met grey, and there was a distinct difference in them from how it used to be. They were more scared and worried than Remus had ever seen them. Sirius had his bottom lip between his teeth, gnawing nervously.
The environment shifted to something cold as Remus found James a few meters away. His whole cheerful personality was gone, instead it was something he had never seen before. James was stiff, too stiff to be any good. Peter looked nervously at the two, and when he met Remus' gaze he looked down at the floor. His body language spoke clearly, he didn't want to be here.
Fear bubbled in Remus' chest. Did something happen when he turned into a werewolf? Did he hurt anyone? He opened his mouth, but a shaky breath came out instead of any words. Were they afraid of him? Had Remus finally done it?
He tried again, his lips parted, and this time words came out, but they were as shaky as the breath he'd let loose before.
“Did I hurt someone? What happened-” Chest protested and Remus went into a coughing fit. James came and helped him lean against the headboard to make the coughing less painful. A warm hand caressed his back in a comfortable motion. It helped a little to even out the cough.
"Remus, something happened…" James' voice was soft, he didn't stop his hand, and Remus knew it was out of comfort.
Remus' throat closed as James and Sirius met each other's eyes. They looked as if they were talking in a hidden conversation, which no one could hear. It was a thing they did, starting second year at Hogwarts. This was something Remus was jealous of at first, ridiculously. But right now only anger was found.
“Can you use words so that everyone can understand?” Remus exclaimed. He couldn't bear it. This was about him. At least he deserves to know what surrounds him, doesn't he?
James had the consciousness to at least have a guilty expression on his face. Sirius, on the other hand, couldn't meet Remus' eyes, they were everywhere that weren't on him. “Well…” he lost the words.
"Just fucking tell me!" Remus's voice was getting louder. He was in pain and tired. He didn't have the patience for a coward right now. He had done something and he wanted to know now.
“Snivellus knows.”
The breaths became increasingly heavy, and the stomach convulsed. Remus felt his own eyes widen when he heard what Peter said, holding back to keep from puking straight out. How..? How did he find out. Remus had always been careful to keep his secret a secret. His parents were completely strict about not saying anything about the werewolf that lived in his body.
Remus kept the secret even from his friends for the first year. For the friends who became his best friends and shared a room with. It was hard to hold something so big for them, and how nice it was when they figured it out. But Snape knowing changed everything.
"How?" Remus asked, his hands turning white as he gripped the blanket covering his legs and knees.
"He got there when you had already transformed."
"Why? How did he find out where I was?” Remus asked again. In his head, he didn't understand how Snape could figure it out, figure out where he was hiding.
But when you think about it, he's not the dumbest. He would probably still figure it out some other way if it wasn't now, but still, Remus was careful. He did what his father said. He didn't tell anyone who wasn't his friend.
How, how, how, how-
“It was me.”
Remus' eyes locked on Sirius. This time he couldn't get any breaths out, they stuck in his throat. Did he hear right? Or was there something wrong with his ears after the full moon? Sirius' usual height was curled up, as if he was shrinking. Never. The person he had trusted told Snape, who would do anything to get Remus to leave Hogwarts.
"What?" It was the only thing he could get out.
“He- He was a bastard! He teased me about my family! James, Peter! You!” Sirius defended, he had stretched himself to his usual height, but he didn't look as confident as he used to be.
His usual smirk wasn't there, but instead there was a tense line. It was the first time Remus had seen him like this. If it was a normal day, if Sirius had looked like that in any other situation, Remus would have wanted to wrap his arms around him. But now he was probably too angry for that.
“So what? You thought it a better idea to send him in where the werewolf was- where I was- for some comments! He could have died! And I could have died with him!” Remus yelled. His throat hurt when he stopped.
There was a gasp from behind Sirius, or was it two, Remus didn't care. His only focus was the boy next to him by the bed. Remus watched as he shook his head. It was like he didn't want to listen, or did he think Remus was overreacting? Remus' teeth bit his lip hard enough to form blood. Right now, he didn't care about the metallic taste swimming in his mouth, even though he used to hate it.
"I didn't know!"
"You didn't know?!"
"I didn't think!"
Remus let out a humorless laugh. It was normal. Sirius was known to do things he hadn't thought of before. But Remus was something worth thinking about. Or was it something Sirius didn't think was worth it. Even if it was about Remus' life. Maybe he was wrong about what the two had. If Remus' life was nothing worth thinking about, then it couldn't be more. Was that even what a friend did, or is Remus less than that too?
The heart hurt. Was this a heartbreak? That's how it felt. Remus closed his eyes tightly to keep any tears from falling, and because he didn't want to see Sirius's face. This was a new low, even for Sirius. So what? All the looks they shared were for nothing? The touches they replaced were nothing? All the nights they could lie awake didn't matter? Was it all a lie? Remus should have known better.
“Get out.”
This seemed to wake up all three, standing straighter with wide eyes, mouths open.
“Mon-”
"Don't call me that! You don’t have the right!”
It had been a while since James' hand had been off Remus' back and had taken a northern step away to let him and Sirius talk but now, again, he took a step forward, hand outstretched.
”Rem-”
“James.”
And Remus hated the sad look he got from him. It wasn't his fault, nor Peter's, but right now the feeling in his chest was too demanding. It was almost like the room was getting smaller and smaller with each passing second. This was an unusual feeling when it came to any of the three. He didn't want to hear more, and he would have to find out more about this when he had calmed down, for example if Snape was okay, but he had a feeling he was.
After all, Remus had yet to receive a date on his death.
“I need to be alone right now.”
Remus saw out of the corner of his eye how James was nodding his head, and how Peter was still looking down at the floor. He heard a breath being made, it was shaky, and he knew immediately it was Sirius.
"We'll leave you alone then." James said turning to the door after nudging Sirius to get his attention. Sirius didn't follow at once, but stood there for a while. He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it, and after a minute left the room to catch up with the others.
Somewhere, deep in Remus' heart, he wanted to hear what Sirius had to say. That was what he loved most about him, hearing his stories and thoughts that he carried. But another part, now enlarged, would not hear his excuses. Instead, Remus lay in the sickbed all by himself, aware that he might have lost his friend, who might not even have been his friend.
Tears had finally dropped from his eyes, onto his scarred skin. He was glad he was alone in here, otherwise it would have been silly, but maybe that was him. Silly to think that Sirius would never hurt him.
Remus let out a wet sob.
——
Several weeks had passed since the accident. The accident that happened where Snape found out that Remus was a werewolf. You couldn't say it was easy. Looks that were thrown at him and the comment that no one knew but those who actually knew. Snape had been told not to tell anyone, so no one else knew, but that still didn't stop the comment flying out. The harassment had suddenly stopped a few days ago, and Remus had an idea of who made Snape stop.
There was nothing to say thank you to, at least not to Sirius who started all of this in the first place. Remus hadn't spoken to him since. The whole time Sirius was trying to get a word out of him as 'sorry' came out of his own mouth, Remus had just walked away, with nothing but a look. It felt like he was getting older every time Sirius had forced him into a corner. It was too much, and no room at all to begin to forgive him.
This of course affected their group of friends, or so Sirius said, as if he wasn't the one who did it. The four of them never hang out in fours but more in threes now. James and Peter alternated between them, and Remus could at least feel sorry for them. James sometimes came to be alone with him. It warmed Remus' heart to show that he still cared even though he was best friends with Sirius. Peter was now usually in the library with him, studying for the next test, side by side (even though Remus is studying and Peter is prying the answer out of him.)
Remus missed when everyone was together. He missed when he and Sirius could laugh daily or argue about music. He missed the prank. Sirius, he missed him most of all. But there was one good thing that came out of this, and that was Lily Evans. She was the one who found out his secret first, and he had gotten so much closer to her now than before. She welcomed him with open arms, and was the one who held him when there were dark times.
He had never cried so much when he and Lily started to hung around each other. There was something about her that made him drop his guard and show his true feelings. He didn't really know how things would have gone if she wasn't by his side.
Meanwhile, Remus became one of the girls, as Marlene liked to say. He is now available on their 'girls nights' and Remus would be lying if he said he didn't like it.
It was the closest comfort he had that wasn't Sirius.
Tonight was such a night. Remus was in the girls' dorm as Hogwarts began to darken. Everyone knows the rules that different genders should not be in the same room, but the people living in the room have allowed it, so it was calm. At first Remus had had to sneak in to avoid any complaints, but over time no one thought it was that strange, after all, they hung out during the day.
Of course he had been asked several questions about why he wasn't with the other Marauders. He knew the question was coming, and it came very quickly. Not even a day had passed when someone noticed and asked about it. Remus hadn't even blinked when he said he didn't want to talk about it. It must have been something that showed on his face because everyone finally stopped.
Remus was lying on the floor of the dorm that wasn't his. He hated when a thought came to mind. Brown eyes looked at the ceiling, and he missed his own dorm. He missed the people there. It had been about three months since he was in it with everyone else. But he tries to don’t think about it and instead listen to the conversation that went on.
Lily and Mary were in one of the lower beds, talking about something. Remus wasn't too into it. Merlene, some time ago, had been sitting next to him, her gentle hand in his hair. Remus didn't even notice the silence as Lily started talking again, but this time to him. It was almost like she could read his mind.
"I know it's hard, but don't you think it's time."
Remus didn't even have to ask what. But it was a bit of a shock. Had Remus been so clear? Lily hadn't forced him to talk about it. At least not after he said how it was first. She found him after he finally got out of bed after the full moon. These were her exact words: “You look terrible.” But she was quick to apologize and say it was a terrible thing to say. She knew he was a werewolf and knew how hard it was for him. This made him laugh for the first time since Sirius left Poppy's room, even if it was a small thing.
"He doesn't deserve it."
Remus couldn't help but be a little cruel. If Sirius could throw away their entire friendship on a few words Snape said, did he really deserve it? He realizes it got under Sirius' skin, but come on. He was playing with Remus' life. It was not something that Remus took lightly. Remus knew it was harsh, but if he wanted to take him back, Sirius actually needed to learn to think before he did anything.
Mary let out an annoyed goan, or at least that's what Remus thinks she wanted. She grimaced as Remus turned his head to the side to look at her. “Sirius has been on my back the whole time, asking about you. Do me a favor and take him away from me.”
“Do it yourself.”
"Don't you think I've tried!"
Mary and Merlene found out about his secret a few weeks ago. It was probably easier to tell them than to lie about why he and Sirius didn't hang out anymore. The thing was that they hated what Sirius did, they don't want Remus to forgive him if he didn't want to.
Lily looked at Remus with her soft eyes, a small smile on her face, but it wasn't happy. It hurt as much to see it as James. “We only want your best.”
Remus closed his eyes. If he wasn't so angry at the feelings in his stomach - the feeling of being close to Sirius again - he probably would have been able to fall asleep with Merlene's hand in his hair. Deep down he wants to say that his best was to keep a good distance between him and Sirius, maybe best that they never saw each other again (which is impossible because they live in the same house), but at the same time it was like Sirius was the only one in Remus' heart.
He wanted to scream, tear his hair out. (Is the werewolf starting to show up in the daytime now?)
“I know.” Remus replied, a sigh ending the sentence.
"Make a decision, and remember that we are by your side in every choice you make."
——
Decision, decision, decision.
It felt like this was some big decision, like he was going to tell the whole school that he was a werewolf. He hated it but that was how it felt. Sirius was a difficult decision. That much he knows. Would Remus really be able to forgive him if Sirius never even saw him as a friend, but less like that.
Remus was getting a headache thinking about it. Is he even ready to forgive him-
He tried not to turn when he heard the door open behind him. Right now he was in his own dorm, and anyone of the three could enter. Remus mentally hoped it wasn't the person he thinks it was. Earlier that day he and Lily had been in the library reading the books they were reading at the time.
He was now back to drop off the book and then go to dinner with the girls. He didn't expect to be met by a Sirius Black. He wanted to walk past him, but Sirius' gaze was steely when Remus finally turned around.
"Did Lily say where I was?" Remus asked, hating the way his heart settled as Sirius' expression softened.
“Yeah.” Sirius breathed out, gray eyes were on Remus, as if they were stuck there. It wasn't like that moment in Poppy's room, when Sirius couldn't meet his eyes at all, and that gave him hope.
Of course Lily would also reveal where he was. He wonders if he should give her a punch or a hug when this conversation is over.
"Well, you are here now, what can I do, huh." Remus nodded, he didn't like the awkward monosphere between them.
“Listen, I know what I did was horrible, idiotic. You were right, I was putting your life on the line, and my motives certainly weren't. I realize you won't forgive me…but- I know this is going to sound selfish- but please, please give me another chance. I hate being away from you. It…it-”
Sirius' babbling was interrupted by his own voice becoming too wet to continue, far too breathless. Remus knows he wasn't the person Sirius went to when he needed to cry, so seeing him like this made Remus wrap his arms around Sirius' shoulders, bringing him closer to Remus' chest.
He went against all his evil thoughts to comfort Sirius. It was something that broke his heart more to see Sirius like this than the whole situation itself. It was probably just a Sirius thing. You couldn't stay too mad at him for too long.
"We have a long talk to do." Remus replied, chest bubbling with lots of different emotions.
"I know." Sirius nuzzled Remus' neck with his arms around his waist, hugging him as if he didn't want to let go again.
And Remus didn't want that either.