The knock came in the late evening. Severus stumbled over to the door, peeking through the peep hole and blinking. He stepped back, frowning, taking a smoke of his cigarette, contemplating.
“You going to leave me out here?”
Severus stood in the cramped hallway of his home, thinking over the benefits of leaving this woman on the doorstep of the maisonette.
“I’ll just ask your neighbours if I can stop in till you come home then.”
Severus grabbed the doorknob and quickly unbolted the safety chain, swinging open the door to reveal Lily.
Lily Evans.
No. Lily Potter. She’s married him now.
She’d been crying.
“You can’t be here.”
She shouldered past him, brushing up against him as she made her way inside, ducking into the little galley kitchen. Severus could hear the kettle being filled and put on before he even had the gumption to close the front door and follow after her.
“I said you can’t be here.”
Lily was rifling through cupboards, pulling out tea bags, mugs, milk, sugar. She was still in her overcoat. A big black thing, some drops of water on it, little heeled black shoes with some mud caked on them, tights, a black dress, almost formal looking, hair pinned half up in some sort of mini beehive.
“Why not?”
Severus stared.
“Why not, Sev?” She reached over and grabbed the half done fag out his hand and took a drag before passing it back. “Is it because you’re part of a criminal organisation?”
“Don’t - ”
“Or because I am?”
“God dammit Lily!” Severus shouted, anger suddenly soaring, stubbing out the cigarette. “Why the fuck are you in here spouting shit like that!”
“Here’s the thing, Sev,” Lily said nonplussed. “We both know it already, you know, I know.”
“I suspected, dumbass. I could never confirm it. Now, if I get asked about you - ”
Severus ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it.
“Oh Sev,” Lily said stepping close, twisting her fingers into his, gently pulling his hands away from his hair. “We aren’t the ones fighting with masks on. He already knows who I am.”
Severus swallowed, looking down at their entwined hands then away.
“What are doing here? Why are you dressed like - “
Severus cut himself off warily.
“Like I just came from a funeral? Because I have. I came by. Earlier. But, you were actually out,” she said hip leaning against the worktop, arms crossed, eyeing the kettle, listening to it heat up slowly. “God your kettle’s a bit shit, innit.”
“Who?”
She licked her lips.
“Dad.”
Severus felt his gut swoop. “You went… alone?”
Lily bristled. “I need to sit down.”
She pushed past Severus again, opening doors until she found the living room and slouched down on a ribbed brown polyester sofa, kicking off her shoes and rubbing her heels. He couldn't do anything but follow. They both eyed each other from across the dim room. Severus brought out his pack of cigarettes and fished out a fag and a lighter, giving it a few trys before it lit and pocketing it again.
“What are you doing here, Lily?” Severus said eventually from where he leaned in the doorway, breathing out the smoke.
“Don’t actually know, Sev. Just… didn’t want to go home and couldn’t stand Tuney or that whole crowd for one more second.”
Severus watched the glowing end slowly creep closer.
“And you just happen to know where I live?”
“Do you know where I live?” Lily asked, raising a singular eyebrow at him, Severus grit his teeth. “That’s what I thought.”
“You. You can’t be here. I don’t want you here.”
“Because I’m a mudblood?”
“Yes. No. Fuck’s sake, Lily.” Severus stretched, leaning his head against the doorjam. “We’re enemies. I’m supposed to - ”
“Kill me on sight?”
“It’d be hard to explain your visit.”
“We’ll then, lie about it. You’re a great liar after all.”
“And you’re squeaky clean obviously,” he spat. Lily narrowed her eyes.
“Out of the two of us I have more reason to be angry, you know.”
“I’m not angry.”
Lily raised her chin. “I am.”
“Great.”
Silence fell between them, stretching out between them. Severus made quick work of the rest of the cigarette.
“How’d he die?”
Lily swallowed. “Heart attack. Officially. He would ask after you when I would stop in, you know. He…” Lily looked down at her hands blankly. “He was so proud when you got that job at Tugwood Tinctures.”
“Well. Thanks for letting me know, I guess.”
“For letting you know.”
“I don’t know what you want from - ”
“I want my bloody friend Sev! I want my friend, who I can talk to, who I can take to a muggle funeral without it turning into an internation incident! Who knows how to be petty to Tuney but not bad to her. Who, who remembers my mum. Who remembers. You remember that summer we went down to Dover? God, I loved that holiday. That was the last holiday we had before mum -”
Lily cut herself off. Tears beginning to well up. Breathing hard. She looked at the ceiling.
“Would you have come? If you’d have been here, earlier. Would you?”
Severus felt empty.
“Sorry to burst your bubble. But we’re not exactly friends any more, are we?”
“You’re such a dick. My dad died, Sev. My dad died and I – I just wanted someone who knew him to be there with me.”
“Why not take perfect Potter?”
“Can you imagine Jim at a muggle funeral?” she snorted and sobbed at the same time. “Didn’t really fancy the obliviators showing up, thanks.”
“Fucking useless husband you’ve got then, don’t you. Not only does he ruin his own murderous pranks; you can’t even take him to your Dad’s funeral.”
“So is he perfect, or is he fucking useless, Severus?”
“You chose the easy option - ”
“Easy! Sev what part of picking James was ever going to be easy! His best friend tried to murder my best friend. He is so condescending about everything to do with muggles, with my family. And his family? God they were so polite about it, but I know exactly how many generations of family history and tradition I’ll be eradicating. Cause that’s what we mudbloods do, you know. We fuck with the bloodlines. Thank god you and your friends are out there eradicating us first.”
Severus stood up straight. “We stand for more than just - ”
“Oh this should be good, I’m listening. Tell me more about why you’re murdering us?”
“We’re trying to set this world right, to rid society of the filth of - ”
“Filth like my dad?”
Severus snarled. “You - ”
“Filth like your dad, you mean?”
Severus stood stone faced.
“Get out.”
Lily silently slipped her shoes back on before standing and elbowing her way past Severus again into the cramped hallway. She put her hand on the doorknob, then turned and rested against the wall looking at him, dark eyes meeting green.
“Out of everything you could have fought for… You could have fought for - ” she sighed. “I don’t think I’m the one who picked the easy option, Sev.”
“They tried to kill me.”
“I think we’re even in that regard.” Lily whispered. “It’s not just muggle funerals I’m going to these days.” She shook her head. “We really can’t be friends so long as you’re like this.”
“Like this? Lily, this is what I believe. I’m not like this I am this. It’s in my blood, my bones, my skin.”
Lily’s eyes drifted down to his left arm.
“Do you have one?”
Severus shielded his arm out of instinct.
“Come on, Sev. We’re best friends. We share everything, right?” she said loaded.
Severus stared at Lily as she gazed at him unflinching. Without breaking eye contact he slowly peeled off his knit jumper, exposing his arm. The dark mark stood black against his skin like a hollowed out pit, like it absorbed the light just a little, pulling it straight out the air.
“Wow. You must be doing really well for yourself. Only the important pawns get them, right? His favourites?”
Severus shoved the jumper back on.
“Why are you stalling?”
Lily looked down at her feet with a laugh.
“Still know me better than most,” she sniffed. “You know Tunia’s pregnant? Everyone around her was like, oh sit down, oh it must be so hard for you, keep your strength up, such joy in such a sad time, blah blah blah. They were looking at me like, oh don’t even have a husband with you, judging me like some teenaged delinquent,” Lily thumped her head against the wall. “I could feel that buzz under my skin like when we used to fly off swings. Felt like I was going to fly off the handle at them and start screaming,” she shook her head, tears welling up. “I’m pregnant too pillocks!”
Severus felt a chill dowse him.
“You’re -”
Severus stared at her.
“When?”
“Oh, Jim and I have been fucking like rabbits so it might have been that time we were in the kitchen and - ”
“Stop it. When are you due?”
Lily blinked at him. “Are you alright? You look sick? Is it imagining James’ dick? It’s slimmer than you might -”
“Lily. When. Are. You. Due.”
Lily hummed. “August.” She pressed her hands to her abdomen. “Tuney’s started to show already. Course she’s as thin as a rake so.”
“August. Right.”
“Well, late July, early August. Jim says Potters are early, and now there’s no one for me to check with on the Evans side. Here what’s the point in magic if you can’t say when a baby’s coming?”
Severus blinked, mind whirling, born as the seventh month – “Was that everything then? We done now?”
Lily heaved a sigh before pushing off the wall. “Yeah. I guess so. We’re done.”
She pulled at the door, letting it swing open, then she reached and a hand and grabbed the fingers on Severus’ left hand.
“I fucking miss you. And I hate this.”
She slipped outside and turned around, slipping her hands into her pocket before giving him a wry look. “Also this place is all wrong for you. You deserve to get out of this town, Sev. Lord and Lady Muck are moving to fucking Surrey – and we can’t let her win,” she said.
“I think you win in the gold-digging department,” he replied.
A slow grin came across her face. “If you didn’t want me to marry a potion tycoon you shouldn’t have taught me so much about potions.”
“My single biggest regret, obviously.”
Lily laughed and looked up at the cold winter sky before taking a shuddering breath, tears running down her cheeks, pouring out.
“You’ll always have a home in me, Sev. I promise. Always. Tell me you get that. Tell me you’ll - ”
Severus shook his head.
She gasped a last sob, then cut herself off, wiping at her face before shaking her head. “You know, I’m going to name Black the godfather. Just to piss you off. Maybe, if you get your head out your arse in time, we can see about the next one.”
She walked down the garden path and got into an achingly familiar burgundy Morris Minor. Severus watched her pull out and drive off down the street before closing the door. He stood staring at the closed door, feeling everything splinter - ever so slightly, his whole life go off-kilter - ever so slightly, his heart break – ever so slightly.
The kettle clicked.