The sun shone throw the large windows in the stone corridor as Sirius practically skipped down the long hallway. He was going to meet Remus, a thought that made his stomach squirm with anticipation a little bit. He could hardly keep the smile from his lips.
His face lit up as Remus came to view at the end of the hallway. He leaned heavily on his cane, but he still brought up his hand to wave him over with a pained smile.
“Hey, you!” Sirius said fondly, pressing a kiss to the other’s lip and placing a hand on his scarred cheek. Remus laid his hand on his.
There was a sad little crook in his eyebrow, Sirius noticed as he backed away from the kiss, keeping his hand on his cheek. Remus was not smiling either, in fact he looked troubled. Pained.
“Hey, hey, what’s with the sad face?” Sirius asked gently. He tried to lift his hand to smooth out Remus’ forehead, but Remus’ hand kept his pinned.
Remus swallowed nervously. “We should stop seeing eachother.”
Alarm bells blared in Sirius’ mind.
He backed defensively in shock, ripping his hand away from his lover’s face.
“Remus, what brought this on?”
Remus lifted his hand to gesture to himself. “You know why. You know what I am. Look at me Sirius.”
“You know that I never cared for-“ He couldn’t bring himself to say it, the words felt dirty and wrong in his mouth. “Your- your condition.”
Remus took in a deep breath. “Yes, but I care.”
“That’s ridiculous” Sirius spat.
“Oh is it!?” Remus shouted, the pain from the moon made him feel very much like a time bomb on the verge of exploding. And now, his short fuse was reaching its limit. “Must I spell it out for you Sirius?!” He gestured to his cane. “I’m a freak! I’m a defect, a fucking monster!”
“No-“
“Don’t you try to deny it because you know it’s true.”
“But-“
“My mind is made up.” Remus turned away hotly, unable to face Sirius knowing that miserable, angry, dejected look on his face was caused by him. “Please…just go.”
Just then, Sirius angrily stormed up to the man he loved. He yanked him by the collar down to his level, despite being much shorter. Simmering hurt and anger bubbled within Sirius, his skin itched with sadness and with every word from Remus’ mouth his heart cracked more and more to the point it was unbearable.
“That’s not something you decide alone!” Sirius snarled, his blood hot and pumping in his ears. “Listen, Moony, don’t do this to me. I won’t be able to forgive you.”
“Siriu-“
“No, no you listen to me now. It’s my turn. You listen to me now Remus John Lupin!” He snapped, he didn’t even care about the look of hurt that flashed within Remus’ eyes. “I don’t care what you say you are. You could look like a bumbling troll, but I love you. I love you so much Remus, nothing is going to change that. Don’t leave me, please.”
His voice grew softer, pleading, as if coaxing a frightened kitten from under a bed. Sirius tried to press a gentle kiss to Remus’ lips, and Remus froze.
He had Sirius-fucking Black begging him. In fact, begging for him to stay. He tried for so long to let him just have this. Let him love a boy and have that boy love him back, but he can’t. he just can’t! Years of self-hate compressed deep inside him swirled around deep in his belly, and the guilt took over.
Remus forced himself to roughly push Sirius away, and the other boy sputtered in confusion.
“I never loved you Sirius.” Remus lied. Part of himself protested but he just knew it had to be done. No matter how painful it was, he knew they couldn’t be together.
Sirius’ face twisted in hurt and anger. “Don’t you dare say that! Don’t you dare say you didn’t love me.” He yelled. “Because you know damn well you did. We were amazing together. So fucking perfect. So what’s this about? Huh?!? What is with the stupid fucking self deprecation that makes you want to burst this beautiful bubble we have?”
“You’re wrong, Black.” Remus spat his last name like an insult, and he tried to ignore the little twang of guilt in his gut at the way Sirius flinched. “We aren’t perfect, maybe you think so, but I don’t. I never did, even from the beginning, when I was taken in by you and James and Peter as the local charity case. The thuggish orphan boy who needed a place to ‘belong’.”
Sirius was deathly quiet then, a dangerous edge in his voice. “Remus, why can’t you let yourself be happy for once in your life?”
Remus’ neck tightened at the question. He straightened ever so slightly, despite his back’s protest of pain.
“If you leave right now, you’ll break my heart. And I don’t know if you’ll be able to put it back together.” Sirius warned.
Remus took a deep, steadying breath, before turning his body to the side. “Good bye, Sirius.”
And he limped away, his grip on his cane so tight his knuckles turned white, leaving Sirius to grapple with the aftereffects of a broken heart.