Pretty Boy
It doesn’t make sense to Remus, really, why he is where he is. It wasn’t really him that traveled halfway across England to the Lovegood’s. It was a corpse, moving with the spirit of Remus.
He doesn’t really know why he’s here, either, Pandora and Remus didn’t really talk. Yet she was so comforting.. so warm.. so.. alive.
“Remus?” Pandora opens the door, her blue eyes wide with surprise. On her hip is a baby, only a couple months old. She has her mother’s bleach white hair and blue eyes.
Remus’ breath gets caught in his throat. What was he doing here? Why did he even want to see Pandora? Why did he..?
“You smell like a minibar,” Xenophilous points out, placing his hand on the small of Pandora’s back.
“Thanks, Xeno. Can I come in?”
Pandoras eyes flicker over him, then they soften, in a way that makes Remus melt. It’s like she can read him through her eyes, see all the emotions he’s feeling. Everything. It hurts. Remus hurts.
“Yes, of course,” Pandora says before Xeno gets a chance to answer. He throws her a look then takes Luna and walks into the house.
“I didn’t.. know you had a baby. If I did I wouldn’t have come.”
“Nonsense, come on in.” Pandora waves him in.
Their home is actually quite large. From what Remus could see, there is at least 4 bedrooms. A couple bathrooms. The living room is huge, with open windows. The kitchen, well, Remus does a double take.
It’s roomy, with dark brown kitchen cabinets and an island in the middle. On the stove is a small silver kettle, steaming from boiling water. Remus can smell something coming from the oven and a candle burning. Lemons and vanilla.
“So, what brought you here, Remus?” Pandora asks, pouring a cup of tea. She points to the sugar, Remus nods.
“Err.. honestly.. I..” Remus stumbles over his words but Pandora just smiles, understanding his need. She sits down at the table, pulling a chair out for Remus too. He sits down, slumping his shoulders down.
“I know how hard these past few months have been for you.”
“Do you?”
“You lost all your bestfriends in one night, Remus. You aren’t the only one that lost best friends too.”
Remus looks up from his tea, guilty. He had been so consumed in his own pity that he didn’t realize all the deaths surrounding Pandora too. Evan, Dorcas, Lily, Regulus, Marlene, oh, and Barty is in prison.
“You have to live your life, Remus. James wouldn’t want to see you drink yourself to death,” Pandora murmurs, placing her soft hand over his. It’s tiny, pale, and cold. Remus tenses slightly. He hasn’t been touched like this in months.
“James isn’t here to tell me that, is he?” Remus mutters, his voice low.
“Sirius will get out someday. I don’t believe it was him.” Remus’ eyes shoot up, looking at her in disbelief. “Do you? I mean.. really.. Sirius was practically inlove with James. I don’t think he did it.”
“I don’t know, Pandora, I mean.. all the signs point to him.”
“You need to have hope, Remus, even if it’s a little bit. Right here.” She points to his heart, “now, drink up. The tea will make you feel better.”
So Remus drinks the tea. It’s smooth and tastes sweet.
“This is good, Pandora.”
“I hope so. It’ll help. And Remus, promise me something, will you?” She squeezes his hand. Remus nods over his cup of tea.
“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself.”
“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself this summer,” Sirius had said, gently stroking Remus’ hair.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Promise me, prick.”
“I-“
“Promise me, Remus. I can’t bear to see you cause yourself so much pain.”
“Fine.”
“I thought I told you to take care of yourself this summer?” Sirius had asked on the train, his legs draped over Remus’ lap.
“I did.”
“Bullshit. You look horrible.”
“Don’t bullshit me. I can’t lose another friend, Remus, please. Don’t let yourself rot.”
“You let yourself rot over the summer, idiot,” Sirius had said, gently running his thumb over Remus’ eye bags, “you’re so stupid. Someday, you’ll have to spend more than two months away from me and you’ll have to learn to take care of yourself.”
“Remus, hey.. woah.. I’m sorry.. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
Remus didn’t even notice the tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I.. I’m sorry, Merlin, I..”
“It’s okay. Take your time.”
Remus stares into his tea, breathing in and out.
“It’s not fair, really, that you believe your a monster. Because you aren’t. Oh, hey, Remus, don’t cry! Oh fuck.. I.. fuck.. fuck,” Sirius had said the first time Remus cried around him. He freaked out to the point Remus forgot why he was crying, he was laughing so hard at Sirius.
The corner of Remus’ lips turn up as he looks into his tea.
“Maybe you’rere right, Pandora, I just need hope.”
“That’s the spirit. Now get home and get some rest, okay? You don’t look so good.”
“You don’t look so good, Moony, are you sure you’re okay?” Sirius had said, his hand cupping Remus’ cheek.
“Y-yeah.. I will.”
“Take care of yourself. I’m here for you, Remus. Don’t hesitate to reach out.” She squeezes his hand, a soft smile on her face.
“Thank you, Pandora, really.” She leans up and kiss his cheek.
“Anytime.”
Remus sets his empty cup of tea in the sink. He smiles at Pandora then steps out of the house, sighing.
His friends dying has taken such an emotional toll on Remus. Crazy, right? Remus hasn’t felt this hollow, ever. A part of him is gone. A part of him died with James, with Peter. A part of his soul is locked up with Sirius.
That’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it?
When Remus gets home that night, he throws out every single bottle of alcohol he owns, replacing his addiction with coffee. He sweats the addiction out of his system within a week. He doesn’t quit smoking though.
One thing at a time.
“Remus, relax, one thing at a time! I don’t understand you,” Sirius had said as Remus rambled on about his new book.
“Pay! Attention! It’s not that hard!” Remus rolled his eyes.
Sirius rolls over, placing his chin on Remus’ thigh.
“What? Don’t pout at me, as adorable as that is, we are trying to have a conversation.”
“I can think of a better use of your mouth.”
“Ew! Sirius!” Remus laughed, hitting Sirius on the head with the map.
——
The first time James joins everyone for Sunday lunch is 8 months after he dies. It’s now July, a couple days away from Harry’s birthday. James feels sick that he’s missing it.
Harry will never know James.
James will know Harry.
Isn’t that fucked up?
James had always felt like he was made to be a father. He had the instincts. He would take care of his friends like a father. He would love like a father.
So, once he found out he had accidentally gotten Lily pregnant, a part of him was happy? Harry was a complete accident, but James got to be a father. A real father.
He wanted to be a father, so bad, but that right was stripped from him.
He wants to be there while Harry joins Quidditch. He wants to give Harry his invisibility cloak. He wants to be the one to hold him when he cries. James wants to be the one that cheers when he has his first kiss.
“He’s growing quite well, isn’t he?” Effie says, glancing at the sleeping Harry on the screen. She’s been working in the kitchen for hours, making a perfect meal for everyone.
“Y-yeah, ma, he is.” James turns his body on the barstool, looking at Harry in his crib. He looks so much like James it hurts. They have the same hair, same nose, same lips. He has Lily’s eyes, though.
James is jolted out of his thoughts when there is a knock on the door. Fleamont gets up from his chair, mumbling about how they don’t have to knock, and then opens the door.
James visibly freezes when he sees Regulus. He’s not even wearing anything amazing, just a simple sweatshirt with pants, and it makes James swoon. Regulus is smiling at Fleamont, actually smiling, a hint of a dimple on his pale cheeks.
Lily walks into the Potter’s Paradise, smiling at Fleamont and waving at Effie. She takes James into her arms but James doesn’t care. His eyes are attached to Regulus like a leech. He’s so gorgeous.. so attractive.
“You’re staring,” Lily whispers, smiling.
“M’ not.”
“Are too.”
Lily flicks his forehead with her finger then walks over to Fleamont, watching Harry on the TV.
Regulus makes eye contact with James and it feels like the world stops.
James can’t breathe.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” James had said, stroking Regulus’ hair. He blushed, his pale face being covered in pink. “That’s adorable.”
“Shut up,” Regulus said, scowling.
“What? It’s true. I’ll poke Sirius’ eyes out with my antlers if he doesn’t allow it,” James joked, kissing Regulus’ forehead. Regulus laughed and laughed. Soft. Sweet. Vulnerable.
James peppered kisses all over Regulus’ face.
“I love you. I love you. I love you.”
“Hi, James,” Regulus says.
James all but melts into a puddle.
There’s so many things he wants to say.
I’m sorry.
I miss you.
I want you.
I love you?
Effie nudges him out of his thoughts, “lunch is done!”
Everyone sits down at the table, Regulus, somehow, ends up right next to James. Thighs touching.
James feels like he is going to explode, a bomb ticking in his head. Regulus is talking to Lily, rambling on about something James doesn’t even care about. Regulus’ thigh is touching his. Touching. Physically touching.
James rolled over on the bed, propping his chin on Regulus’ thigh.
“Have you ever actually seen me as a deer?”
“If you transform I will hex you.”
“Love you too, sunshine.”
The lunch goes on like normal, eating, talking, touching. Effie talks about Harry, seeing as she hasn’t taken him off the gadget. Lily talks about Mary’s idea for a flower shop, smiling. Regulus talks about Evan and how he’s started to take walks to clear his mind. James, well, he stays quiet. He can’t focus on anything expect for the fact that his thigh it touching Regulus’.
After lunch that day, Regulus leaves rather quickly, saying something about Evan and Dorcas. James wants him to stay, wants to hold him close to his chest. But he can’t.
“Do you have to go to stupid quidditch practice?” James groaned, slumping down so his body weight is pining Regulus to the bed.
“Mulciber will kill me if I’m late.”
“So?”
“So? James I’ll die.”
“Then I’ll die with you.”
“Sap.”
“Prick.”
So, James watches as Regulus walks out the door. James sighs, then walks to his own Paradise, kissing his mother goodbye and hugging his father. He slumps down his couch with a sigh, turning his gadget to Sirius Black.
——
“Psst. Barty. You awake?” Sirius whispers, walking his away to the edge of his cell. Barty has gotten really sick, like really sick. Coughing, sneezing, sore throat, he even lost his voice.
“Sirius?” Barty mumbles, his voice scratchy and hoarse. Sirius transforms into a shaggy black dog, slips his way through the bars, and pads into Barty’s cell. He transforms back into a human, sitting down next to Barty’s curled up form.
“You okay, mate?”
“It’s.. it’s cold, Sirius,” Barty mumbles, pulling his knees closer to his torso. He’s violently shaking and it causes a pang of worry in Sirius’ heart.
“I know… it’s really cold.”
Barty curls up into Sirius’ side, surprisingly. Sirius raises his hand and drapes his over Barty’s shoulder.
“I miss him.”
“I know you do.”
Sirius can now see the physical signs of Azkaban. Barty’s hair is basically ruined, greasy and unkept. His eyes have lost all his spark. There are dark bags under his eyes and his lip is bitten and chewed. He’s covered in dirt and sweat. He smells absolutely rancid but so does Sirius.
“It’s so.. cold.”
Sirius has never felt so fortunate to become an illegal animagus. He hasn’t felt the way Barty does. He still has his memories. He still loves. He’s still happy.
Sometimes he can manage to crack a smile out of Barty, but over the past few months it’s gotten worse. Sirius wraps his other arm around Barty, cradling him to his chest.
“Do you think we’ll ever get out of here?”
“I believe you will,” Sirius says, “it wasn’t your fault what happened.”
Technically, it was, but also technically, it wasn’t. After Evan died, right in front of him, I might add, Barty fell into a depressive episode. He didn’t get out of bed for weeks.
“C’mon, Barty, get up. It’ll be fun,” Rabastan had said, shaking the million blankets off him.
Fun?
Fun, they said.
Barty hated every minute of it. Alice screamed and screamed and cried and cried. Frank didn’t break. Nothing. He bit his lip all the way through, refusing.
Barty was the only one that stayed after they tortured them.
“I’m so sorry, Frank, oh god. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” Barty repeated, sobbing over Frank’s unconscious body. He sobbed harder as a little boy crawled out of his room, tilting his little head at Barty.
“It wasn’t your fault. Rabastan and all them dragged you along. You weren’t right in the head, mate,” Sirius says, gently tapping Barty’s temple, “let’s just focus on getting you better.”
Barty nods, closing his eyes.
If he squeezes them tight enough, it’s almost like Evan is right there.
—
“Idiot. Fucking idiot,” Evan grumbled, patting a washcloth over Barty’s face, “stop getting in fights.”
“Not my fault Snape was being a prick, pretty boy.”
“I hate when you call me that.”
“It’s true,” Barty teases in a sing-song voice.
“Stop changing the topic. You need to stop fighting people. At least use your wand. You’re a fucking wizard.”
“Not as fun that way.”
Evan sighs, standing up to put the washcloth away. As soon as he’s in reaching distance again, Barty grabs his hips and makes Evan stand between his legs. He nuzzles his head into Evan’s stomach.
“You’ll get blood on my shirt.”
“Then take it off.”
“Barty!” Evan says, flabbergasted. He smacks the top of Barty’s head. Barty laughs, smiling so wide.
“You’re adorable, pretty boy.”
“You’re lucky I love you.”