Smoking had always helped him escape from reality. He liked the sensation of smoke in his mouth, he left it there longer than required, his eyes turned red and began to water. At least, on this occasion, that would help him hide his true tears.
He wasn't even drunk, and he was beginning to regret it, he preferred not to drink so as not to do anything stupid. Making stupid things was what brought him here in the first place.
The cold night breeze hit his face like a silent comfort. Reminding him with icy caresses of the loneliness in which he found himself and the pain that encompassed his whole soul.
There was a time when Sirius believed that this pain would pass. Beginning in fourth year, he was a fourteen-year-old boy with stupid hormones who had just started adolescence, so he told himself that when his heart accelerated when he saw his roommate, it didn't really mean anything.
In fifth year, when his eyes continued to involuntarily turn to one of his best friends, he began to go out with many girls to suppress those feelings, then with many boys, believing that it was about that. He didn't mind being in love with a boy, unless that boy was Remus Lupin.
But it was inevitable not to fall. Remus was so perfectly imperfect that Sirius couldn't help falling in love. At the age of fourteen he felt it, at the age of sixteen, when he confirmed his sexuality, he accepted it, and today, at the age of twenty-six he wants to let it go.
Because Remus was inside the bar, along with all his other friends, celebrating his bachelor party.
Tomorrow Remus was getting married, and Sirius was only his best man.
He wondered how he had come to this. He knew himself and Sirius would never have thought that he would be able to carry this heavy burden with himself for so many years.
But Sirius Black was not a brave person, on the contrary, he was a complete coward. He had never been able to face those feelings that never disappeared, on the contrary, over time they only seemed to increase, wanting to drown him.
Sometimes it used to be as simple and straightforward as saying that the day follows the night. That the moon belongs to the stars. That the sky meets the ocean. It was something inevitable. Sirius Black loves Remus Lupin.
In his seventh year he wanted to try to forget it, but then everything got out of his hands. Sirius never imagined a life without Remus in it so when they finished their studies, they went to live together, roommates. It was a way of having Remus for him.
Although he never had it at all.
There were days when Sirius blamed himself, for never having given a signal, for being too afraid of losing Remus who arrived every night with a new date. Sirius could swear that the next morning, when he said goodbye to the new stranger he had taken to his bed, Remus' eyes landed on him and they looked more and more tired.
But when he only thought in depth, his friendship with Remus was never really a friendship. There were always more touches than usual. Meaningly looks. Nights in the same bed. Midnight confessions. Drunk games.
Sirius remembers the time he was too drunk and kissing Remus was an impulse he couldn't suppress. Feel his lips, touch his skin, be so close to him. Then he was invaded by horror, the understanding of what he had done, but Remus also kissed him. Her hands were on his hip and attracted him. The next day everyone made fun of them, and Sirius laughed accepting that everything was a mistake. He never noticed the pain in Remus' eyes.
Sirius had been brave, he had been brave when kissed him. He had been brave every time he hugged him, every time he looked at him, every time he touched him, all like a friend. Without a doubt, he had been brave when he looked Remus in the eyes, smiled at him, hugged him and told him that it would be an honor to be his the best man of his wedding.
Now thinking about that made him feel sick. It makes him remember every night that he was crying since he found out.
Four years ago Sirius and Remus will still live together, and it was in the morning, when Sirius was saying goodbye to the stranger he met the night before, that Remus told him that he had a date. He was in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Then a date was two, and then Remus introduced him to his girlfriend, and then Remus told him that he would move, and finally told him that he would get married.
It wasn't fair, Sirius knew it perfectly. But he couldn't help but feel his chest tighten to such intensity that he could no longer breathe. The love he felt for Remus, which he tried to get rid of for years, letting others touch his skin, hold him in their arms and free him from his mind, all in vain, because loving Remus Lupin was a curse that he would never get rid of. And Sirius hated it.
No, he didn't actually do it. How could? Loving Remus Lupin was the only good thing he did in his entire life, even if it was in silence. And he would never regret it.
He wondered if Remus knew it at some point, if he could have noticed any touch that lasted longer than necessary, if he felt a look with too much affection on her, if he thought of the times Sirius told him "I love you" as some joke of the moment, but it was a confession of his soul.
He didn't know it would hurt more, like a strong and quick stab. To know if Remus knew, and still was marrying someone else. Or confirm that Remus never knew, and would never know.
His eyelids were closed and burned, the smoke was still in his mouth and burned him. But at least the pain silenced the years of regret, longing and devastation that screamed inside him.
"Are you trying to die?" Oh Sirius could have died right there, standing outside a bar of bad luck to which he went since he was of age, because the last thing he needed from that cold and deep night, was that the man he had loved, and would probably love all his life, to come and accompany him.
He let out the smoke in his lungs and opened his eyes, a silent and delicate tear fell, but there could be many more, because there he was. Looking as magnificent and charming as always. Looking at him with a slightly red face, producer of alcohol, and with eyes shining thanks to the moon. Sirius was reflected in those amber eyes. Sirius saw his gaze, tormented, because he could not look at him in any other way than the only one he knew, with love.
Oh my dear, so easy to love.
"I'm relaxing." his voice came out low, almost like a whisper. He put out his cigarette and leaned against the wall, he would need an anchor for this. Because Remus was there, because Remus was looking at him and because Remus stood next to him and lit his own cigarette and after a deep breath, he offered it to Sirius. A cruel part inside him did not let him forget that Remus' lips had been in the same place where he was about to put his.
“I wish I could do that.” Remus' profile lit up in a glorious way under the moonlight, his eyes shone crystallized by drunken tears, they were beautiful. The scar that crossed the bridge of his nose and ended at the bottom of his lip, had never been so heavenly. "I'm getting married tomorrow." and then reality hit his face. No matter how majestic Remus was, he would never be his.
He didn't have time to think before the words escaped his mouth, an incomplete confession. "I never thought that day would come." the day I would lose you completely.
Remus' frown looking at him made him know that he had said something wrong. And for a moment he allowed himself to dream and think that there was it in Remus' eyes was longing.
Oh my dear, how many loves will you find in your life?
"I always thought Pete would do it before you," he added, much more carefree than he really was, trying to sound mocking, when this mattered to him more than anyone could imagine.
The tension in Remus' shoulders seemed to lighten, and he stole the cigarette from Sirius' hand, his fingers brushed for less than a second and he couldn't avoid the butterflies on his chest that disappeared into the darkness.
He saw Remus inhale and then exhale, his Adam's nut marking, Sirius wanted to snuggle up in the hollow of his neck and never leave, they were impulses, thought, that were always and would always be there. “I think he and Sybill are on their way.” Remus spoke giving him back the cigarette, this time preventing his fingers from touching. Sirius' heart sank.
While he inhaled and took his time before exhaling, there was silence between the two. Sirius closed his eyes, trying not to cry. It was difficult, but Remus was there, Remus was going to get married, Remus had chosen his happiness and Sirius was not going to ruin it. He try again to remember how they got here. Remus was everything, the greatest and most beautiful thing he had ever met, and he lost it. He was the best and the most important thing that have in his entire life, too perfect for him. And now he was here, it felt like a goodbye without being able to say goodbye, goodbye to the love of his life.
Oh my dear, so beautiful to love.
"Are you okay, Pads?" He blinked a couple of times before turning to see Remus, his voice was soft, his eyes shone and they looked at him waiting for something. Unfortunately Sirius had nothing to give.
"Yes, I just... there are many things I never told you." Sirius thought it was beautiful, even here under the moon as he broke his heart, Remus was beautiful.
Remus stole the cigarette from between his fingers, it was about to go out and Sirius couldn't think of anything feeling how his fingers touched Remus's for longer than necessary.
He brought the cigarette to his lips and Remus took the last drag, then turned off the rest against the wall. While doing that, he never stopped looking at Sirius. "Me too." his voice was small and weak, an incomplete confection. Sirius looked into his eyes and saw a life he could never have. Remus composed himself and spoke in a light voice, "You can say them tomorrow in your speech."
Sirius could have laughed, because he could never do that, because he would never do that to Remus. Maybe in part it was all his fault, for never being able to look, recognize and accept that he could dream and live loving him and risk being happy.
"I'll do it." he lied.
Remus' lips leaned into a small smile and Sirius looked at him knowing that kissing that man only once in his entire life when he was drunk would never be enough and would pursue him for life.
"I love you, Sirius." Remus' voice was honest and his eyes were deep and Sirius allowed himself to think that he really did.
This time, it was he who tried to smile. "I love you too." and he said it with all the sincerity in the world.
He saw Remus close his eyes and let out a small sigh before recomposing himself. Sirius would remember this moment and treasure it for a long time as the beginning and also the end of that spark that was always between them, even now, looking into each other's eyes, losing what they wanted most.
Minutes later Sirius saw Remus entering the bar again, very slowly. He saw how he gave him one last look, and while he felt a treacherous and honest tear running down his cheek, he could only have one thought.
Oh my dear, I promise you that I will always love you. Even when you love someone else.