Secrets
Tuesday 5th October 1971
The moon had swelled once more, and had cast its ghostly radiance over a scene eerily unchanged from the last. This time the wolf had noticeably uneasy, because Remus had rose with a number of new deep gashes etched across his flesh.
“They heal quick enough with a bit of antiseptic.” He prompted Madame Pomfrey, who fretted over him in the early mornings that followed.
“And with a soft touch of magic, quicker still.” she smiled, with a swish of her wand. The slashes mended themselves in the blink of an eye, Remus stared in awe.
“Can you get rid of my scars, too?” He asked, enthusiastically. She shook her head, apologetically,
“No, Remus, not these scars. I'm sorry.”
“S’okay,” He breathed, dressing himself. This time around, he had though it wise to bring his uniform with him and left them in the tunnel outside. He would meet the others in their first lesson. Let them wonder where i was, he thought.
“You don’t have to attend lessons today, if you don’t wish too.” Madam Pomfrey said, “Not if you’re too tired. I'll write you a note.”
“I wanna go.” He replied, quickly, “It’s not that bad, really.”
She looked at him with a stern look in her eyes.
“For now maybe. I'm afraid as you age, the transformations will begin to wear on you.”
“Have you ever looked after kids with my problems before?” He’d had a desire to ask her for ages, but wasn’t sure how to.
“No, love, you are the first student i know who’s been...”
“Bit?”
“Who had been bit.” She accepted with thanks. “I promise, I’m confident in what I’m doing. I’ve been reading on the subject.”
“There are books on people like me?”
“Yes, dear” She sounded surprised. She took a seat on the end of the bed as he finished getting dressed. “I could led you one, if you want?”
He mulled it over, then gave a slight shake of his head.
They had Transfiguration first, but McGonagall didn’t give him a detention for not handing his homework – she had evidently decided to be more charitable around the fulls, although she had made him promise to bring it next lesson. Jamie, Sirius and Pete spent half the class trying to divert his attention towards them, but he successfully ignored them, until McGonagall endangered them of separation.
In the corridor on the way to Charms, he knew their would be no escaping them. It was a decent five minute work way.
“So? Where were you last night?” Sirius said impulsively, walking on his right.
“None of your business.” He returned, trying to hurry way,
“Oh, come on,” James urged, stepping up to the left of him, “Tell us! Was it the same place you visited last month?”
“Maybe.”
“Were you in detention again?” Peter questioned, trying to keep up with them. Remus berated himself for overlooking such an obvious solution—detention would have been the perfect excuse.
“No.”
“Then where -”
“Watch yourself, halfblood!”
Remus had been too concerned with the others bombarding him with questions that he was not paying attention to where he was going. To his internal horror, he had smashed straight into Snape, who was rounding the same corner. Already riled up, Remus squared himself and tried to forcefully push past.
“Watch yourself, Snivellus.”
Snape didn’t move away, but rather pushed him instead, Mulciber appearing at his side, lurking menacingly over the smaller boys.
“I know for a fact that it was you who broke into our dorms the other night.” He snarled, “All four of you.”
“Oh Yeah? Prove it.” James smirked at him, crossing his arms across his chest.
Snape curled his lip,
“I can’t yet. But i will. And ill get you back. That’s a promise.”
“Oh noo! We’re quaking in our boots,” Sirius retorted, sarcstically, leaning against the wall as though he was bored. “Now would you please move?”
“Was it your idea, Black?” Snape drawled, “Or yours, potter? It had to have been one of you two. Pettigrew doesn’t have the guts for it and Lupin hear clearly doesn’t have the brains...”
Remus squeezed his fists, nails digging into his palms. He could see Snape’s hand on his wand – he probably knew all different types of vile curses and hexes. James had shown Remus a couple, but in his blinding rage, he couldn't recall a single one.
“Move along now please” A sharp voice rang over them. It was Professor Flitwick, stepping out of his room to see what was happening. “Severus you’re obstructing the hallway, and you are meant to be in here with me. Come on.”
Remus felt very overheated and unerved for the rest of Charms, which was usually his favourite. It relied more on practical than theory, and he often did better than James or Sirius. Finding it difficult to compose himself, he kept flinging his cushions across the room like rockets rather than gently floating them through the hoops that hung around the room.
They had been working on levitation for a couple of weeks now, and Pete was the only one of them that still had not got the hang of it. In Remus’ opinion, Peter’s particular problem was his lack of imagination. James and Sirius were both meticulously confident; and he’d found that confidence was really all you needed to work most basic spells. Remus generally felt able to complete any task if it looked simple enough. Meanwhile, Peter was anxious about just about everything. He had read and re-read his textbooks, trying to replicate the intense diagrams there rather than just copy what Flitwick showed.
“I expect you all to have mastered levitation by the end of the week,” Flitwick said at the end of the lesson. The book was huge, about half the size of the mini professor. It also looked as though a fully-grown man would struggle to lift it far. “So come prepared for a small test of your skills.”
Peter let out a heavy sigh while they packed up to go.
Remus had somehow calmed down considerably by lunch, but he still had trouble controlling his magic in the late afternoon. He was grateful that they only had Herbology and History of Magic left. He considered whether it could be his temper – which had always been a bit short- strung – or rather it could have been the full moon. He had always had a lot of energy after transforming back to himself, even before he knew he was a wizard. Now his wand was vibrating in his hand like the hum of a live wire. He attempted to cast a quick ‘Lumos’, while hiding in a toilet stall in lesson changeover, and very nearly blinded himself.
Maybe the book that Madam Pomfrey had offered him might give him more information on it, but he’d never know. There might be books in the library, but he hadn’t looked. He knew the word, well enough to get through, and could probably spell it if he though hard enough. He wouldn’t risk it. Remus lived with the quiet terror that writing it down or saying it aloud would unravel everything, as if secrets had a way of slipping through ink and breath. Some things were just safer locked away in the vault of his mind.
Thursday 7th October 1971
It was peculiarly salient for him to contain his secret within his own mind now, because Remus was being observed. Not only by McGonagall, who still raised an eyebrow when she caught that he wasn’t taking notes, but by Madam Pomfrey, who was constantly trying to get him to pay a visit to the hospital wing for a quick once over. He was also being watched by Snape, who was still fuming that he couldn’t prove how the itching powder had happened. He might have been able to bare all of these nosings, if a fourth person wasn’t watching him as well.
This stalker was much more subtle; much less direct about their surveillance. But however subtle they may be, it was still evident that they were watching him. Sirius Black. At first, Remus had though that the other boy was just nebby – part of the entitlement he and James share. It was like they had to know everything about everyone they met, constantly telling Remus and Pete other people’s business –so-and-so's dad was refused a promotion at the ministry; Thrup’s aunt was under-investigation for the illegal use of a potion; Slughorn knows more about the dark arts that he thinks we know about, and the Slug Club is infamous for turning out dark wizards.
Of course, none of them knew much about Remus, and at the start, he assumed that this was why Sirius was so observant of him. He never asked any straightforward questions, as though he was curious about the Lupin family or his raising, then it was a private interest that Jamie did not share with him. James very rarely watched others, Remus had noticed – he preferred others to watch him.
No one else seemed to notice, fortunately. Sirius was sly in that way. Only occasionally, Remus had caught him unaware, staring studiously with his deep icy-blue eyes. He didn’t look away when he realised he was caught – merely gentled into a friendly smile, leaving Remus to mirror it out of courtesy.
On Thursday, they were all hunched over a table in the Gryffindor common room finishing their homework – well, James was doing Remus’, having finished his own. He’d struck a deal—Remus would teach him the ‘Obfuscate’ spell, and in exchange, he’d take on the task. Remus’s pride burned at the arrangement, but in the end, he swallowed it an yielded. He really didn’t want another detention with McGonagall, and James was suspiciously good at forging other peoples’ handwriting.
Sirius was working on his own essay, and had already written well past the requirement amount of parchment – which included diagrams. There were a number of books dispersed across the table they had claimed, along with ink pots, quills and crushed up balls of used parchment. Peter was attempting to float a pear across the room and into a bin. As of yet, he could lift it a foot in the air, but then it wobbled and dropped back onto the desk.
Exhausted, Pete tugged his fingers through his hair and looked at his text.
“You’ll get it, Pete, stop worrying.” James reassured, not moving his eyes from Remus’ essay. “Just keep practicing.”
“I’m trying,” Peter droned, “I’m pretty sure its the movement i'm doing wrong... the text says to use a ‘smooth, snake-like action’, but i'm not quite sure...”He trailed, waving his wand through the air. Remus tutted,
“S’not like that.”He said, flatly. “S’like and ‘S’ shape on its side. Look.” He demonstrated and performed the spell effortlessly, easily floating the pear up and shot it into the bin cleanly.
“An ‘S’ shape, are you certain?” Peter furrowed his brows. He aimed his own wand at a ball of parchment from the table, “Wingardium Leviosa!” He chorused, swishing his wand to mirror the way Remus had done so. Inevitably, the paper unsteadily rose a few inches and sailed into the bin, bouncing from each side as it fell in, with a lot less grace that Lupin, and landed beside the pear. Peter's eyes went wide as he exclaimed, “I did it!” He gasped in disbelief, “An 'S' shape? Why didn’t the book just explain it that way?!”
“Congrats, Pete.” James said, pulling his eyes away from Lupin’s homework, smiling. He took off his glasses and scrubbed his eyes, “You should be a professor, Remus.”
Remus snorted with laughter, looking away embarrassed. James continued,
“I’m close to finishing this, just need to double check something – could you pass me ‘Magical Theory’ please? The Waffling book?”
Remus felt as though all the air had been sucked from his lungs, and a cold shiver seeped down his spine. Trying hard not to look panicked, he looked down at the stack of books beside him. One of them was 100% about potions – it had a sliver cauldron on the front. The others; was at one’s best guess. The gold lettering on each cover appeared to shift and wiggle about as he looked over them. Was it easier to pick up a random book and hope it was the right one? He looked over to James, with a desperate plea in his eyes. Peter was too focused on floating more things over to the bin to take notice of Remus’ confusion. He looked again to the stack of books, chewing nervously on his lip.
Sirius quietly cleared his throat to catch only Remus’ attention, and lent across the desk. He tapped third book down, silently, with his finger, without even a glance up. It was a large black, leather-bound tome which Remus had vaguely recognised. Appreciatively, he swiped it and handed it to James.
“Cheers.” James said, preoccupied, returning to his task. Sirius continued as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Remus felt the flush spread across his face.