Eddie would never affect others. His father told him to be a tough man, to handle things by himself. He learned that asking for help was nothing but pure weakness. And that’s not what a real man gives into. So he’s keeping himself quiet. Putting a fake smile on and pretending that he’s okay.
But Bobby knew better than this. He’s been there himself. Of course he couldn't read Eddie's mind, but just from the dark circles under his eyes and his pale, thin face Bobby could tell that there was something wrong.
He looked exactly the same back then. After the death of his family, when even alcohol could no longer take away his pain. When he was at a point where nothing in life made sense to him anymore…
It broke his heart to see him so exhausted and emotionless. He knew Eddie would never reach out for help. And he gets that.
But something deep inside Bobby knew he had to talk to him.
When he parked in front of Eddie's house, he sat in his car for a few minutes until he gathered his courage and made his way to the front door. It took a while until Eddie opened the door. “Cap?” He was visibly surprised but let him in immediately. “Did something happen? Is everyone okay?”, he asked with a slightly panicked expression on his face.
Bobby shook his head. "Everyone is fine, no need to worry. I came here to talk to you."
Eddie raised his eyes and looked at him confused. "I don't understand... About what?" "About you" Bobby looked deep into his tired eyes as he said this. Eddie slowly lowered his gaze to the ground again and said nothing.
He just stood there, breathing heavily and looking for a way to escape this conversation. “Why don’t we sit down for this, huh?” He slowly sat down on the oak chair and after moments of hesitation, Eddie let himself down to a chair near him, his gaze still downwards.
After a while, Bobby started to talk: "I know that the whole situation with Chris is getting to you. I also know that you've had problems with your mental health in the past, but... I just feel like it's getting… worse. I don't expect you to pour your heart out to me, I know you wouldn't. But I'm worried about you. You may not actively ask for help, but... how about trying to accept it?"
It was quiet. Bobby continued to look worriedly at Eddie, who showed no reaction and was still staring into space with his head bowed.
This silence lasted for a few minutes and no one moved. Bobby wanted to give him time. Give him time to think, to sort out his thoughts.
After a while, he slowly raised his head and looked his captain straight in the eyes. There was so much despair and exhaustion in his eyes. "I had it before," Eddie started. "This feeling. Like you're falling down a black hole and you're wondering when you'll finally arrive, when it'll be over. But it doesn't end. You just fall deeper and deeper..."
He cleared his throat. "I was 14 at the time. I was too tired to get up to go to school, I was too tired to eat, I was too tired to go out, the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. To get away. From everyday life. My parents didn't understand.” He let out a little laugh. "Of course they didn't understand. Instead they yelled at me, saying I was just lazy and should act like a decent man." Eddie stared at the table in front of him, tears forming in his eyes. "I wanted it to stop. I wanted everything to stop. So I..." A tear ran down his face and his voice broke. "A teacher found me in the bathroom. The paramedics were able to stop the bleeding before…”
Bobby fought back his own tears and continued to look at Eddie, who was sitting huddled on the chair like a miserable heap.
“I didn't want to do that." His voice broke into a sob and he wiped his face with one hand. "I just needed a break. You have to believe me, please. I didn’t want to.”
Then he completely broke down and burst into tears.
Bobby needed a moment to process what he had just heard, but then stood up and sat down next to Eddie. "I'm so sorry," the young man cried. "You don't have to be." Bobby swallowed, took Eddie's hand and put it in his own.
"Why didn't you ever tell us about this?" he asked hesitantly after a while. "I was ashamed." Eddie finally turned his gaze up and looked Bobby straight in the eyes. "Oh Eddie..."
He had felt the same way. Ashamed.
"Are... Are you afraid you'll do it again?" "I I I don't know. I just feel this emptiness and it scares me, Bobby. It scares me so much. I don't want to feel that again." His voice was just a whisper.
Bobby didn't know what to say, a big lump was in his throat and he couldn't think clearly. "Is there anything I can do for you?" he asked hesitantly.
Eddie turned his gaze and cleared his throat. "I don't know if anyone can help me.”
He smiled sadly. Then he looked at Bobby again.
"I guess maybe one day I'll be okay..."