A star must burn before it shines.
That is what Regulus did: he burned.
When Regulus graduated from high school, a pit formed in the bottom of his stomach. A sense of unease followed him around, looming above him almost 24/7. A storm cloud of dread had rained onto Regulus, and he didn't think it would ever get better. He had this feeling that was indescribable, but he was drained. His stomach would curl and his heart would throbbed furiously, pain that wasn't even physical would course through his veins and flow to his brain. It changed Regulus starkly, he yearned for release of whatever he'd been feeling, but it never came. He wouldn't eat, he never slept, he spent his time drowning his sorrows in his bedroom; curling into the sheets of his bed that still smelt like him.
Barty Crouch Jr wasn't just a friend, he was more. He was everything to Regulus. He was the air he breathed, the air his lungs so desperately craved. He was the heartbeat that lived in Regulus' chest, the rhythm he lived by. He was the ocean, and Regulus was pathetically drowning in him. He was — or had been — hopelessly in love with Barty. The fire that once had been Regulus and Barty had quickly been extinguished when Barty had claimed he wasn't gay, nor did he ever think about guys in that way.
Regulus should've expected that one, he still can't remember why he didn't. Selfishly, he just assumed Barty would leap into his arms and kiss him senseless.
Regulus had accepted his high school diploma with a weak smile, the cogs in his body had been at full throttle as each muscle in his body managed not to crumble. His knees had nearly buckled multiple times and his ears wouldn't stop ringing—it was deafening and the only thing Regulus could hear was the loud and furious thumping of his own heart.
Regulus hadn't gone to University, he didn't know what he wanted to do with his life. His parents had forced him to take a Law degree, he didn't object. He did the work, he was the top of his class, he got into University — but he declined. He wrote their head of office, and as soon as he sent the letter, he ran. He knew that once Walburga and Orion had discovered Regulus wouldn't be attending University anytime soon, he would be without dinner for weeks, his door would be bolted shut, and probably would end the day with a broken nose and a few broken fingers.
It was something he was familiar with, and although he shouldn't be, something he was used to. He'd tolerated their abuse for years on end, and after watching his elder brother, Sirius, have the courage to leave and run: Regulus became jealous. It was envy that ran through this blood, it was a mystery to Regulus, he didn't know how Sirius was so easily able to leave with no other doubts. He was brave, a quality that Regulus had certainly lacked. If Regulus wasn't a coward, he would have left with Sirius when he asked.
In some thoughtless way, Regulus hated Sirius. He hated him for being different from the rest of the family, he hated him for leaving him alone with his parents, he hated him for being himself, he hated him for being free. Even so, through all the hatred Regulus felt for Sirius, in that moment: he couldn't relate to anyone more.
He had nowhere else to go, no place to call home. Had it been a year earlier, he would have immediately headed to Barty's house, but instead — he went to his brother.
Sirius, who had lived with his best friend — James Potter — for three years.
Sirius, who had been gone for three years.
Sirius, who Regulus hadn't spoken to in three years.
And when Sirius opened the door to reveal Regulus on the doorstep, it was as if those three years had never occurred and no time had passed.
It was Sirius who had got him out of his depressive slump. It was James who first managed to crack a smile on Regulus's face. It had been Remus Lupin — Sirius's boyfriend — who had persuaded Regulus to get out of the flat and see his friends.
Regulus burnt, and then he shined. He shined brighter then the had before, and that pit at the bottom of his stomach had faded. The storm cloud that floated above his head dispersed and he was left with sunny days.
Regulus had finally been remotely happy in his life, and all it took was leaving home. Of course, there would always be that unresolved trauma that floated in the back of Regulus's head: the voice that would always mark Regulus as imperfect and unworthy, the voice that would claim Regulus's could never deserve love, but it was minor. It was there, but when Regulus was in a room with his friends, or Sirius, it was as if that voice never existed at all.
Other than his mental life, his physical life had been sailing smoothly also. Regulus had a job. Sirius knew the owner and had very fondly mentioned that he had a brother in need of a job. So, Dorcas — the owner — had hired him. It was a cozy cafe, situated on the edge of the block, so called 'The Wand and Whisk'. There had been couches against the walls that would act as seating, along with oak wood rimmed against the floor and orange tinted lights that gave the cafe a warm hue.
Within a month of working there, Dorcas had taken a strong liking to him. Regulus didn't mind her, either. She was quite pretty, he noticed. She had dark skin and her hair was always braided, golden coils would intertwine with the bottom of her hair. Her eyes matched her skin, dark, but in a way: it was so starkly different and it made her noticeable. She was also kind and considerate, and she always seemed to know what to say.
It was mid-November, the air was starting to grow chilly and cold: a cold mist had gathered in the air and left the skies blurry. There would always be a light frost on the windows in the flat, and Regulus noticed how James would always leave little doodles on the pane through the moisture. (This mornings doodle was a sun with a smiley face, along with rays that shone down on a flower.)
Regulus was working today, his shift had started at 8:00am and it was soon to end at 1:30pm. The heaters in the cafe had been at full blast, providing its warmth around the room and the scent of coffee and pastries had wafted around the room. It was strong, but to Regulus it was faint: but maybe that was because he'd been working here for nearly two months straight and he had adjusted to it. Maybe it was like that for Dorcas, too, or the other workers.
As 1:25pm hit, Regulus started to clean the coffee machines. He always did so early, after working here for two months: nobody ever arrived five minutes before closing. However, just incase on the rare occasion someone did, Regulus would clean very slowly, he'd drag it out just incase someone were to walk in and order (and Regulus would then make their drink bitterly, because which bastard would come in five minutes before closing?).
Regulus had a mental checklist of things he needed to complete before heading home this evening, the last thing on the list (aside from cleaning the coffee machines) was to refill the coffee beans. So, he threw the rag over his shoulder which he had been using to shine the silver on the machine and walked into the back. On one of the shelves was the bag of coffee beans, so Regulus reached to grab two.
Faintly, he could hear the sound of the door jingle, the bell that would ring as customers came and went. Regulus had jinxed himself — some bastard had really came five minutes before closing! Grabbing a second bag of the coffee beans, he waited for a moment: hoping someone else would serve him.
Then came an impatient ring as the customer rang the desk-bell. He left the coffee beans back up on its shelf and with an annoyed huff, Regulus walked out from the storage room and back to the front desk, muttering "son of a bitch" under his breath. Placing a facade, he put on a smile (which was really just him pressing his lips into a thin line) and placed himself down at the till without looking up.
"Hi, welcome to Wands and Whisks, what can I...get..." His voice trailed off as he lifted his head, staring at the customer in front of him. It was as if time had stilled, and for a moment: no body else existed. But at the same time, it was as if somebody had lurched into Regulus's chest and took a knife full of malice to his heart. It burned and his throat ran dry, an all-too familiar deafening ringing rung through his ears.
"Barty..." Regulus breathed out, staring at the boy he knew all too well. It had been a year since he had seen Regulus had seen Barty. Barty didn't look older, but he looked more comfortable. There had been tattoos across his arms and neck, they had been cut off: but Regulus was sure they were tainted across his shoulders and chest too. He had piercings, more than he had in high school. His hair was longer, maybe he was a bit taller too — or maybe it was his shoes.
Seeing Barty again had brought up old feelings, a strong feeling of heartbreak, jealously, anger?The system Regulus had perfectly and meticulously set up had crumbled down. A dam had flooded and broke past Regulus' walls, and all of a sudden he was the same boy who would cry and sob his eyes out every night and stifle it into his pillow. It was odd, seeing Barty after so long. He probably had someone now, and the thought of it made Regulus want to die (respectfully).
"Hey, Reg. S'been a while." He replied, chuckling faintly at the end of his sentence. A smirk played at his lips, and it sent a lump in Regulus' throat. The way Barty had said his name was like a song, and Regulus wanted to play it on repeat.
"Certainly has." Regulus nodded, trying his best to string together coherent sentences. "How did you...did you know I worked here?"
"I didn't, actually. I just...wanted coffee."
"So, you came five minutes before closing?"
"Well, to be fair, I didn't check the closing times." He replies, tilting his head and leaning against the counter. "Where did you go, Reg?"
Woah, okay, he was not beating around the bush.
Regulus's heart seems to still at that one. Once it gets pumping again, it reaches into his throat and pumps furiously. His mind is dizzy and he feels trapped. His hands grew clammy and his chest rose and fell rapidly.
"What do you mean?" Regulus's answers innocently, but there's a part of him that already knows the answer. He ghosted Barty. After he embarrassingly admitted his feelings and Barty didn't reciprocate them, he never spoke to him again. He ignored messages, phone calls — hell, he even had to ignore a letter that Barty had sent.
"You know what I mean." Barty said firmly, but a hint of desperation and hopelessness in his words. Regulus should feel an ounce of shame or guilt for never contacting Barty, but he doesn't. Does that make him selfish? "You've been ignoring me, Reg. For one whole year you've been ignoring my messages, my calls—"
"Can you really blame me?" Regulus retorts, clamping his hands into fists and digging his nails into the palms.
Barty's expression falters for a moment, but in a second it's back to furrowed eyebrows. "You said we'd still be friends despite everything, Reg! You can't hate me for something that's-that's out of my control!" Barty lashed. Regulus grew small and Barty's words cut deep and stung, it was as if a wound had re-opened and Barty had sprinkled salt in it; it stung. There's a tiny part of Regulus that knows he shouldn't be hating Barty, he really can't blame him for being gay. He's selfish and he just wants to blame Barty for not liking him back.
Regulus doesn't reply, he only worries at his bottom lip and fidgets with his fingers anxiously.
Barty dips his tongue out to wet his lips briefly before speaking. "Look...Reg. I just want to be friends again, is that too much to ask for?"
Yes, Regulus thinks. How can we be friends when I'm still in love with you?
"It could be like we're back in high-school, you know?" He offered. There was a desperate look on his face.
After a moments hesitation, Regulus sighed. "We can try."
That's how a week later, Regulus found himself with Barty at a restaurant, having an innocent lunch. Much to Sirius chagrin, might he add. Sirius knew of Barty, he knew the impact Barty had on Regulus.
"I don't want you to get close to him again just for him to hurt you again!" Sirius had yelled, and Regulus was afraid of that too. Even with all his fears and doubts, Barty was a Siren, and Regulus was lured in to his songs.
It was a warm place, the restaurant. It was classy in a way, but also cozy. The floor was a waxed wood, and the walls had features of marble pillars. There was a soft hum of chatter amongst the place combined with the soft clatter of cutlery. Their table was in a secluded corner that had been lucky enough to be placed near a window outlooking the streets of London.
Regulus fidgeted with his hands in his lap under the table, watching as Barty's eyes dragged through the menu. Regulus hated that he still felt...something...for Barty. He thought it had gone away, but it was just Barty's absence that had made it diminish for a brief period of time. He hated that Barty, doing an ever-so simple task, could look so good doing it. His fingers curled against the leather of the menu perfectly, a few strands of his hair had fallen across his face beautifully, and the light from the sun outside seemed to dance across his skin and highlight his features.
"What do you think you'll order?" Barty asked shortly, closing the menu and leaving it infront of him on the table. His eyes were trained on Regulus, no doubt noticing his awkward nature.
"Oh. I'm not...hungry. A coffee would be fine."
"You have to eat something." Barty quirked an eyebrow, resting his elbows on the edge of the table.
"No I don't." Regulus replied stubbornly.
"So, I'm taking you out for lunch for what?—to not actually have lunch?"
"I said I'll have a coffee."
"That isn't food."
"It's as good is."
Barty looked as if he was about to retort back, but he just faltered back, shaking his head in a light chuckle. A smirk tugged at his lips as he fell back into his seat.
A server came and asked for their orders (and Barty did get a coffee just for Regulus, but added a side of hot chips — which Regulus loved — because he had knew Regulus far too well. Regulus hated that.) and the two had been left in a silence. It may have been comfortable for Barty, but it was terribly awkward and painful for Regulus.
"You still live at home?" Barty asked, sipping on his glass of water.
"No. I left a long while ago." Regulus answers. "I would have thought you would have heard by now. News travels around fast, especially with your dad and mine working in the same department together."
"Oh, well, dad's dead."
Oh!
"S'probably why he didn't tell me."
Respectfully, if Regulus were alone, we would have cheered. Bartemius Crouch Sr was a spawn of Satan — probably a contributing factor to why he and Regulus' parents had gotten along so well — and he treated Barty awful. He was controlling and abusive, and when Barty would tell Regulus what he would do to him, Regulus would seethe and have images in his head about multiple ways on how he could kill him. The one he was more keen on was tying him to a chair and slowly breaking each one of his fingers until he was writhing and begging for mercy, then he'd kill him.
(Okay, so maybe Regulus is a bit psychotic, maybe a bit extra. But he knows Barty would be thinking the exact same thing when it came to Walburga and Orion.)
"Oh." Regulus finally said after realising he'd been silent for so long. "Sorry...?" Regulus offered weekly.
Barty chortled. "Don't be, I'm glad he's gone. Stupid cunt...The first thing I thought of when he died was that one scene from Wizard of Oz where they were celebrating the Witches' death. You know...ding dong, the Witch is dead. Only my dad would be a Wizard...but, same thing."
Regulus snorts, picking up his glass of water to hide his smirk. There's a warm, fuzzy, feeling in his chest. It swirls around and beats at his chest.
In a way, Regulus hated how it had felt like no time had passed at all. Barty seemed so comfortable with Regulus despite all that happened, but maybe it was just who Barty was. Throughout highschool, Barty had always been outgoing and loud, he never shied away from any cause and he was blunt (which was both a blessing and a curse). As opposed to Regulus, who was always quiet and awkward and he psychically could not hold a conversation with someone he didn't know without being rude and snarky. In a way, Regulus envies him for being so open.
"Anyway though...so, if you aren't with your parents anymore, where are you staying? Do you have your own place?" Barty continues.
"Oh, no. I live with Sirius and his—"
"WHAT?" Barty shouts, which disrupts the quiet and causes heads to turn. He grimaces before leaning in. "What? As in 'Sirius' your brother, Sirius? Sirius—the brother that left you?"
"Know many people with that name, do you, Barty?" Regulus replies sarcastically, sitting up straighter in his seat and ignoring the looks the other tables had been giving him.
"You went back to him? Him?" Barty furrows his eyebrows, it's possessive and furious, he's practically seething. Him and Sirius never had the...best of experience with each other, to put it lightly. They spent their high-school journey pranking one another, and when they got old enough they eventually started to fight one another.
"I had nowhere else to go. I knew Sirius would understand my problem." Regulus says coolly. "Sirius and I no longer have issues. We're fine, brothers, third cousins — whatever you wish to call it. We're...okay again."
Barty looks at Regulus, his eyes blinking back at Regulus's. He grumbles under his breath, but drops the topic.
They talk until they've both finished their meals. Regulus learns that Barty works at an Auto-Shop, he fixes the cars and gets them started again. He lives in a flat just on the outskirts of the city with a roommate — Evan Rosier — who also works with him at the Auto-Shop. Barty told Regulus (though, he already remembered) that it was his birthday soon, July 9th.
So, it wasn't a surprise to Regulus when Barty texted him two evening's later inviting him to a party he'd been hosting.
Barty
Today 6:02 pm
Hey Regulus, I'm hoping that you haven't changed your number since we've last spoken. I just wanted to know if you were interested with coming to a party my friends and I are hosting for my birthday? It's next weekend, and you are free to bring anyone you'd like. You can say no if you want (I know how you are with parties) but I just thought I'd extend an invite. Let me know what you decide. Barty
Honestly, this sent Regulus into a spiral. He again, hated how well Barty knew him, but hated the fact he was kind enough to bring it up. Regulus typed out many responses, but deleted them all.
Oh, I'll think about it.
Oh, are you sure you'd want me there?
Regulus then turned to excuses.
Sorry, I'm actually sick and I expect It'll last till the day after your birthday.
Sirius and I are actually planning on going for a road-trip that exact weekend, sorry.
Then after a lot of constant debate, he finalised one message and before he could overthink it, he pressed send.
Sure, I'd love to.
Barty said that Regulus could bring someone to the party, (and even though he didn't really want to go) and Regulus knew exactly who to take.
Pandora
Today 6:15 pm
pandora can you do me a favour
sure what is it?
barty has invited me to his birthday party next weekend and i need you to come with me.
IM SORRY? BARTY???
YOU MEAN THE BARTY WE WENT TO
SCHOOL WWITH??
WHEN DID HE GET BACK INTO THE EQUATION???
REGULUS HELLOOOO???
REGULUS HAVE YOU BEEN HOLDING OUT ON ME
no comment.
you're lucky I love you Reg u bastard
i'll go but I'm expecting you to catch me up w/ what i've missed
So, that following weekend: the two of them were there. They had been stood in-front of Barty's flat. Regulus's hands were clammy and his heart pumped out of his chest, his vision became blurry and his mouth ran dry. The last time he had been this anxious was when he saw Barty for the first time after avoiding him.
"Regulus, just incase...if you ever need to go, just let me know and I'll drive you home, okay?" Pandora said kindly, and thank God for Pandora — Regulus wouldn't know what to do without her. She was purposefully kind and generous, and ever since they were eleven they had been stuck together like glue.
The party was loud — but Regulus had already expected that, he could hear the music thrumming down the hallway to the flat. There hadn't been many people, but enough for Regulus to close into his shell. Maybe around twenty others? It was cramped and tight as well, because the flat Barty and Evan lived in was definitely not suitable to play host to more than twenty people.
There was alcohol, and people had already started to get pissed. Pandora had met someone — he had a long weird name that Regulus wouldn't remember sober, did it start with an X? So, he was left alone in the corner, his fingers curled around his cup as he sipped on the drink gradually.
Barty was with his friends, he assumed Evan was somewhere in the mix, but Regulus didn't know what this Evan had looked like. He twiddled with the ring on his pointer-finger, thumbing it and spinning it around.
Regulus watched as one of the girls that had been present pushed herself into Barty, smiling and twirling a strand of her blonde locks around her finger. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe Regulus was too sober, but seeing it made him burn. He felt...something. It definitely wasn't jealously—Regulus wouldn't be jealous. Barty was straight, of course he was, Regulus knew this. Regulus wasn't at all envious, in fact, he would be happy for Barty if he got a girlfriend.
The girl then laughed, shoving him lightly and playfully.
Okay, scratch that last part. Regulus was jealous, if Barty got a girlfriend Regulus thinks he would die. He felt sick, he didn't know why. He'd been over Barty, hadn't he? But seeing him now, with some girl all over him...Regulus wanted Barty, there was no doubt about that. There was a point where he was the air he'd breathe, he needed Barty to function. Regulus had been so caught up in the whole anxiety effect of Barty's reappearance, that his brain managed to slip past the fact that Regulus still wanted Barty. Even after all this time, his heart still yearned for his.
A lump rose in his throat, and he was washed with a wave of tears. Pathetic and embarrassing tears. Regulus didn't know why — if anyone were to ask, he'd blame it on the alcohol. He didn't know his way around the place, but he'd try. He abandoned his cup on the kitchen counter and made his way down the hallway where he then found a door that had been left open. It was the bathroom, and Regulus had walked into the room and locked the door.
He splashed the cool water from the sink onto his face. "Snap of out it!" Regulus repeated to himself, inhaling sharply whenever he felt that tight feeling in his chest that would indicate he was about to let out a weak sob. Regulus was pathetic, he knew why he was crying, but at the same time he didn't. He was so, so, confused. He didn't know what he felt for Barty. Did he still want to kiss him? Be with him? Or did he want to ignore him till the end of the Earth and forget about him?
He was weak and he didn't know why he was so upset over a boy.
He was weak. Weak.
Weak.
Weakweakweakweakweakweak—
"Regulus?" A voice came from the other side of the door. At first, he thought it was Pandora, but the voice was far too deep and gruff. It was one he recognised, but didn't immediately because Regulus was too drunk for his own good. "Regggg? Are you okay? Can I come in?" His words were slightly slurred and rough, showing telltale signs of the alcohol he'd consumed.
It was Barty. Who else would it be? Regulus leant against the counter, staring at his face in the mirror. His curls were messy, he had heavy eye bags under his red-rimmed eyes and there were tear tracks staining his face. He wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand before turning to open the door.
"Hey, are you good? I watched you just...walk away. Is-is the party too much for you?" Barty asked. His hair was slightly ruffled and his eyes were thin slits.
"Sure...you could say that." Regulus answered, spinning his ring around his finger behind his back as he stared up at Barty.
"You're going to have to do better than that, Reg. We've know each-other since we were eleven. Do you want to go home? Do you want me to get Pandora?"
Stop being nice to me. Regulus thought. He wished Barty was a dick to Regulus like he were to everyone else, maybe that way Regulus could get over him quicker.
"No, I'm fine. I just needed to be away from the party for a moment—"
"Well then if you needed to be away, you should have just said that. I could have kept you company."
"I don't need your company." Regulus said, tilting his head away to stare away from Barty.
"Awwhh, still as stubborn as ever, are you Reg?" Barty crooned, leaning forward subtly and pushing his lips into a grin.
"Fuck off." He retorted. Barty only laughed.
"Reggie, really, if you want to stay in the quiet for a bit you can just...stay here. Though, the bathroom isn't the greatest place...I guess." Barty peered around the room, scrunching up his nose. "If you want you can stay in my room—"
"No. It's fine. I'll go back out to the party."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Barty tilted his head, sucking on his bottom lip (which sent Regulus absolutely crazy). "You do know I'm here to talk about it. For whatever reason you're here..."
"I told you why I'm here, I needed—"
"Quiet, yes, yes. I know." Barty finished. "But, I don't think that's why you're here." Barty raised a cocky eyebrow.
"Who was that girl?" Regulus said. It slipped out of his mouth, he just had to ask. He was way too drunk, it wasn't a good idea. Oh my God, this may have been the stupidest thing Regulus has ever done.
"Which girl?"
"You know...blonde, brown eyes. She was near you, getting all touchy—"
"Ohh, you mean Missy? She's a friend of Evan's, I think they used to live across from each other." Barty answered. "Why?"
"Just...wondering." Regulus tapped his finger against the counter sink, letting the metal from his ring clink against the marble.
"Regulus—" Barty started.
"I think I'll go back to the party now. I need a drink." He stepped forward to brush past Barty, but he leant again the doorframe and stopped him.
"Regulus are you jealous?"
"No!" He quickly said. "Why would I be? We're friends, aren't we? Maybe I just thought you had a girlfriend."
"She's gay." Barty added.
Oh! Okay, great. So, Regulus had no reason to be jealous and he was just being a prick, lovely.
"Oh. So...definitely not girlfriend."
Barty bit his bottom lip, trying to fight back a smirk that was tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Yeah, definitely not."
Regulus huffed, leaning against the sink. "Not that I care. I'm just...making sure."
Barty raised an eyebrow, the smirk still firmly in place. "Right. Of course."
Regulus ignored that. "I mean, she's not even that interesting. She's just—she talks too much, for one. And she always sits too close to you, like she has no concept of personal space." The words tumble out of his mouth, but he figures he can blame it on the alcohol.
Barty tilted his head. "Mhm."
"And she does this thing where she tucks her hair behind her ear like she thinks it's charming, but it just looks ridiculous."
Barty pressed his lips together, nodding along. "Completely ridiculous."
"And she laughs at everything. It's excessive and annoying."
"Obviously."
"And—"
Regulus doesn't get his fourth reason out, because Barty — Barty fucking Crouch has cupped Regulus's cheeks and tilted his head upwards and has kissed him.
Barty 'I'm not gay' Crouch, has just kissed Regulus. The same Barty whom Regulus has been madly head over heels for. The same Barty whom Regulus has been thinking of this day since he was fifteen.
Regulus pushes away first. Even with his dreams, and even how fucking beautiful the kiss was, Regulus pushes away. Barty is obviously drunk, he doesn't know what he's doing, and he certainly won't have this moment while both of them are sloshed.
"Woah—Barty. Why...why did you do that?" Regulus asks, his head spinning.
"You wouldn't stop talking." He shrugged simply.
"How drunk are you?" Regulus asks incredulously. His voice is stuttered and his lips are wet, he can still feel Barty's lips on his own. It was earth-shattering and life-changing, and as much as Regulus would love to continue, he simply can't.
"I'm not drunk. Regulus—" Barty attempted, his voice firm.
"No. I'm not doing this Barty. You're straight, aren't you?"
Barty purses his lips, staring down at Regulus. He doesn't say anything.
"I'll be seeing you." Regulus brushes past Barty quickly. He hears Barty calling his name from behind but he doesn't stop for him. Locating through the still busy party, Regulus finds Pandora through blurry eyes.
"Regulus, what happened?" She asks quickly, turning away from whoever she'd been talking to and straight to Regulus.
"Can we go? Please." He asks.
And they do. Pandora drives them home, and she doesn't ask what happened or why Regulus wanted to go home. They sit in silence and Regulus stares out the window at the night sky, letting himself shake and tear up.
He couldn't have Barty. He'd just have to come to terms with that. He didn't want to just be Barty's drunken mistake or a moment of confusion. He wanted to be more.
★★★
It had been a week since Barty had drunkenly kissed Regulus in his bathroom, and he didn't regret it once. In fact, Barty was glad he did it. He wanted to kiss Regulus, it wasn't just a stupid drunken mistake.
Barty wasn't a villain. He knows that to anyone who was with Regulus that year they were apart, or anyone whom heard of when him and Regulus had stopped being friends, it probably depicted him in a bad light. They probably know the story as Barty rejecting Regulus and that was that.
On the day of their graduation, Barty was going to tell Regulus that he'd lied — but Regulus ignored Barty the entire time. He stayed at least a foot away and never spared him a second glance. Then, Regulus had ghosted him for an entire year. He never heard of him, he tried texting multiple times but nothing.
Barty stills looks at the texts sometime, he doesn't know why, but he finds himself searching for anything (as if his un-opened messages could mean anything).
Regulus
Sat, 1 July at 10:03am
hey, regulus. can we please talk?
please reg
regulus please answer me
please regulus please
1 MISSED CALL
regulus please actually just talk to me we
haven't spoke in nearly a month
Wed, 5 July at 9:04pm
1 MISSED CALL
regulus please i just want to talk.
cant we still be friends please regulus
is that too much to ask
Sun, 9 July at 3:42am
reg please i miss you
Fri, 14 July at 11:26pm
im sorry regulus
im sorry i dont feel the same way
im sorry i rejected you
im sorry that you have to feel this way
im sorry im not gay
just please
talk to me
Tue, 25 July at 9:13pm
im still here for you if you need, okay?
love you reg
And that was that. Barty never messaged Regulus again, he never called him again, never interacted with him again: Barty was convinced it was the end. It was hard for Barty, especially with losing your best friend of seven years in the span of one night: Barty didn't even know what Regulus had been going through. The only thing he wondered is if he had support. Barty certainly hoped that he did.
After Barty had drunkly kissed Regulus, they never spoke for two weeks. A part of Barty was scared it would be like last time, and he would lose Regulus after just getting him back. He texted Regulus the following evening and didn't push it any further, he knew Regulus wouldn't respond anyway. Barty could only wait.
Evan was insistent that Barty himself should show up to Regulus's flat, (and even though he debated it) but Barty realised it would never work for two reasons. One, he didn't know Regulus's new address, and two, Sirius Black hated his fucking guys. Barty knew Sirius hated him before, but if he knew that Regulus had gone to Barty's party and then came home crying — Sirius would be considering murder. If Barty ended up on his doorstep, he'd leave with a black eye, no doubt.
So, all he could do was wait.
When another week has passed, and nearly a month had passed since the last time he and Regulus had spoke. The message sat undelivered, and Barty was growing restless. Maybe it was a good thing Regulus hadn't been responding, because Barty doesn't know what he would say.
"Oh you see, I like you and now that my dad is dead and you don't live with your parents anymore, we should date!"
Actually, that was pretty much the gist of it.
It was all so confusing, but that was love. Love was confusing and no person could wrap their head around it, they could only understand what they had been feeling. Barty definitely didn't understand the concept of love. Sure, he knew that you had to be hopelessly devoted to someone, head over heels, but how could you explain the feeling of love?
In the dictionary, it's described as 'an intense feeling of deep affection.'
Barty thought it was more.
He thought it was that tight feeling that would grow in your chest whenever you saw them. It was the urge to kiss them senseless until neither of you can breathe. It was that feeling where all you wanted was to spend every breathing moment with them. It was that feeling where they do something others would find embarrassing but you personally found adorable.
It's exactly what Barty feels when he's around Regulus. Barty knows whatever he feels for Regulus is strong. It's prominent and it's there. It's more than affection, it's more than words can describe, it's so much and more. All Barty wants is Regulus, and the universe separates them before they can even get a chance.
Another week, August rolls around and the air starts to grow hotter and humid. Barty spends most his time indoors (when he isn't at work) in the air-conditioner. He finds himself eagerly awaiting a notification that never seems to come.
That was until a certain day on the second day of August. Barty couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the notification that came from Regulus, he thought he'd been dreaming.
Regulus
Mon, 10 July at 2:15pm
hi regulus, it'ss barty. i wanted to apologise for kissing you, but just know that it wasn't a drunk mistake. i'll give you space, but just know i want to talk, okay?
Today 10:54am
im ready to talk now
if that's okay
Barty fumbles for his phone, spilling some of the juice he'd been drinking on the couch as he sat up abruptly.
yes of course, that's fine. im glad
when are you free?
now?
unless you're busy. you probably are you have a job, right? sorry, maybe not now ignore me
no no
now is fine
are you sure?
yes don't worry reg
okay
can i come to your flat? i don't think sirius would be exactly thrilled if you showed up
yeah of course that's fine
do you remember my address ?
yes, i'll see you in fifteen
Fifteen minutes. That's how much time Barty had to prepare for whatever was about to happen. He was terrified, frankly. He took it upon himself to dress better, more presentable (since he'd looked like a slob a few mere minutes ago). Barty then sat anxiously on his couch, tapping his fingers against his thigh as he waited. He kept glancing at the time on his phone, watching each single minute tick by.
Then —
KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!
With clammy hands, Barty stood up from the couch and opened the door, and there was Regulus.
"Hi." Barty managed to get out, though, his voice was weak and shaky.
Barty was never nervous. Never. But the second he saw Regulus standing infront of him, his stomach twisted. Regulus with his black curls, his grey eyes, his jaw that could cut stone — he was beautiful as ever. He always had been. Now that Regulus had been standing infront of Barty for the first time in a month, it didn't feel like enough.
"Oh, right—come in." Barty said quickly, clearing his throat and moving to the side to open the door wider. Regulus stepped in, his head and eyes gazing around the place. Barty hated how much he missed him. "Sit." Barty gestured to the couch, and the two of them sat. They sat in an awkward silence for a bit, before Barty spoke up. "Do you hate me, then?" He asked, drumming is fingers against his thighs.
Regulus, who was looking out the window, slowly turned his head and looked at Barty. "No."
Barty felt the tightness in his chest slightly simmer, it was a relief.
"Thought you were going to yell at me..." Barty muttered.
"Would that make you feel better?" Regulus tilted his head.
Barty clenched his jaw. No, of course it wouldn't. No matter how much he turned it around in his head, the fact remained that Barty had kissed Regulus. He made a first move, and Regulus had been looking at him as if it hadn't mattered — as if the kiss didn't matter.
"I don't know what you want from me, Barty." Regulus said honestly, crossing his arms and leaning into the leather of the couch.
"You're the one who left," Barty retorted. "I kissed you, and you ran—"
"You and I both know that kiss didn't mean anything." Regulus said, which hurt. Barty faltered, genuinely wounded.
"It did mean something." Barty said, his voice soft.
Regulus only blinked. "You don't get to say that. Not after—" He stopped, shook his head, and spoke again. "Barty, I told you I had feelings for you once, and you told me you weren't gay."
Barty swallowed hard. "I thought I wasn't."
Regulus snorted bitterly. "Right."
Barty's mouth was dry. His hands curled into fists under the table, nails pressing into his palms.
"Why is it so hard for you to understand? I—" Barty gulped, but before he could start speaking again Regulus spoke.
"You what, Barty?" His voice was quiet, steady, but his eyes were sharp. "You finally figured out that you're not as straight as you thought? You realized that kissing me wasn't just some experiment?"
Barty flinched. It sounded so fucking awful when Regulus said it like that.
"It wasn't an experiment." His voice came out rough.
Regulus huffed, shaking his head. "It sure as hell felt like one."
Barty groaned, running a hand through his hair. "Reg, I didn't—I wasn't trying to mess with you. I was just—" He exhaled sharply, frustrated with himself.
Regulus inhaled deeply, rubbing his temple. "I spent a year thinking I was stupid for telling you how I felt in school. I spent another month thinking I was stupid for thinking that kiss meant something. Do you get why I don't want to do this with you?"
"But I want to do this with you. Doesn't that account for something? I was too scared—too scared to admit that I did like you. I didn't want to admit it to myself. I don't want to lie to myself, Reg, I like you, Regulus."
Regulus inhaled sharply. His grip tightened around his coffee cup, but his expression remained unreadable.
For a long moment, he said nothing.
Then, he exhaled and shook his head, looking down at the table. "You don't get to say that now."
Barty's stomach twisted. "Reg—"
"No." Regulus looked back up, his gaze sharp, unwavering. "You don't get to do this, Barty. You don't get to tell me you like me now—now, after everything—like it's supposed to change anything."
Barty's fingers curled into his sleeves. "It does change things."
Regulus let out a quiet, bitter laugh. "Does it? Or is this just convenient for you?"
Barty flinched. "That's not fair."
Regulus arched an eyebrow. "Isn't it? You said no to me in school. You kissed me a month ago. I was finally starting to move on before you came back. Then, you show up and now you say this?" He scoffed, shaking his head. "What am I supposed to do with that, Barty?"
Barty opened his mouth, then closed it again. He didn't have an answer. He just knew that the thought of losing Regulus—really losing him—was unbearable.
"I'm not asking you to forgive me," he said quietly. "I just... I need you to know. I need you to know that I was wrong. That I was scared. That I've always liked you, I just didn't know how to admit it."
Regulus' jaw clenched. "You should have figured it out sooner."
"I know." Barty swallowed hard. "But I didn't. And now I have. And I—I don't want to let you go."
Regulus was quiet again, looking back out the window before back at Regulus. "I don't trust you." He said. It wasn't in anger or bitterness, but pure honesty.
"I know." Barty nodded.
"I don't think us is a good idea."
"It might not be." He admitted.
"Then why should I consider it?" Regulus asked.
"Because I don't want to be scared anymore." Barty leaned his elbows on his thighs, looking at Regulus. "I don't want to run from this, Reg. I don't want to run from you. I want to try."
Regulus didn't move, but Barty swore he saw something shift in his expression — it was something uncertain, something hesitant, something hopeful.
"You're an idiot." Regulus huffed, and Barty hadn't been gladder to hear it. The tension eased in his chest and he let out a small, nervous laugh.
The corners of Regulus' mouth twisted upwards before he straightened it, looking down at his lap. "I don't know if this will work." He said quietly.
"I know." Barty said quietly, nodding his head.
"You still want to try?" Regulus tilted his head.
"With you? Always." Barty grinned, despite the lump in his throat.
Regulus studied Barty for a moment, before huffing. "Fine."
"Fine?"
"Fine. Let's try."
"Are you sure?" Barty couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face.
"Don't push it."
Barty held up his hands in surrender. "Not pushing. Just... making sure."
Regulus exhaled, running a hand through his hair. "You're exhausting."
Barty grinned. "And yet, here you are, agreeing to date me."
Regulus scoffed. "I never said that."
Barty raised an eyebrow. "Trying. You said we're trying."
Regulus gave him a pointed look, but Barty could see the corner of his mouth twitching. "Which means if you annoy me too much, I reserve the right to change my mind."
Barty leaned back, sinking into the couch. "Noted. Low tolerance for annoying behavior. Any other relationship rules I should be aware of?"
Regulus rolled his eyes. "Don't be insufferable."
Barty gasped dramatically. "You're setting impossible standards, Regulus. Next thing I know, you'll be telling me I can't be charming either."
Regulus let out a slow breath, but this time, he was definitely fighting a smile. "Charming," he repeated dryly.
Barty smirked. "I did win you over, didn't I?"
Regulus finally gave up and let the smallest smile slip through. He shook his head. "I don't know if 'won over' is the right phrase," he murmured.
Barty hummed. "You're here. You're giving me a chance. Feels pretty close."
Regulus glanced up at him again, something softer in his eyes. "We'll see."
Barty grinned. "I'll take it."
Regulus rolled his eyes for what had to be the tenth time that conversation, but he didn't argue. Instead, he had leaned back in his chair like they had all the time in the world.
And for the first time in a long time, Barty felt like maybe—just maybe—they did.