love, remus

-sent tuesday, october 14th-

To Sirius Obnoxious Black,

I object. Halloween is not the best holiday. Your birthday isn't either. Christmas is. You get presents for heaven's sake! And a break from school. Plus, everyone is always cheery, and it snows!!

Moony huh? I have been hanging on the edge of my seat for one of your amazing nicknames. I expected better from you, Black. But I will accept it. It is cute. I already can feel Lily making fun of me for it. This is your doing.

I will not bring up the guy anymore, but I hope you realize soon that what he did was really shitty. Good job with talking to Reg. He is your brother, and he will always be there for you. Are you excited for your tongue piercing? Barty needs to get his mind out of the gutter. I had no idea that they were associated with dirty deeds like that. Hope I didn't make you uncomfortable, then again, you don't sound too bothered.

The gods would be right. I did get the job!! There are only 3 other workers including me, and one is the owner. But most of my shifts are shared with this guy. His name is Tom, he's, our age. He's pretty cool, and get this, he invited me to a Halloween party! I need costume ideas ASAP!! It was kind of embarrassing, he asked for my number so he could text me the address but I dont have one. He had to write it down on my hand.

I went into the coffee shop to see Tonks and apparently, she's going to the party too. I guess everyone in this town knows each other. It's crazy, I can't imagine what it's like at Hogwarts. 

Daddy Remus. Made me laugh but never say that again. You crazy bitch (in a good way). I told Bob about you. And my mom. She got curious why I always rush to the mailbox after Stan drops it off. Had to tell her, she wants to meet your parents. And yes, my wardrobe does consist of knitted sweaters. I take no shame in that.

My share for this letter will be about why I got pulled out of school. I'm not gonna get into the entire story, but I will try to summarize. You will be the only person that knows, other than my parents of course. Anyway, there was this teacher. His name was Professor Garmon. He was amazing. Everyone loved him. One of those teachers. I was his favorite. Would always stay at lunch to talk with him. He even would tell me. Well one day I was staying after school for tutoring, and he decided it would be a good idea to put drugs in my tea. Yeah, he roofied me. I woke up and I was laying on his desk, but I had no clothes on.

I reported him to the admin, but it wasn't before a kid saw me there and started rumors. Got beat up a lot and my parents pulled me out of the school. We moved. I am now homeschooled. I thought it wouldn't affect me, but it did so much. Physical touch scares me. I flinch every time someone that's not my direct family or Lily touches me. But I crave the touch of others. I hope you don't mind that I lied about being a virgin, I just don't like to count that as me ‘losing’ it.

All this shit obviously led me down a deep, emotional rabbit hole. I have depression and bad anxiety now. Can't do a lot of stuff because of it, and it is so, so, so annoying. It's a lot, I know, and if you feel uncomfortable talking to me after this, I won't be mad.

Enough of that though. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I think my nose is kind of nice. Feels too big for my face sometimes. What do they say about big noses?? I would ask Lily, but I don't think she would tell me. I was reading over your past letters, and it made me think. You are smoking hot, aren't you? I mean, you certainly have the confidence of a hot man, and no one ugly has that much confidence. It scares me.

Good job on winning the game. Bet you wore tiny little short shorts to distract the other team. Would work on me, that's for sure. Do you have to tie your hair up in a bun? Or do you plait it? I know Lily is really good at that, she made me learn. Maybe I could do your hair one day. 

Also, I have some costume suggestions. You could be.. a star!! It's stupid, but you are named after one! My other idea was a dog but that's kind of stupid, no offence. Halloween is near your birthday I noticed, is this party you are hosting a birthday party too? What do you want for your birthday? I want to get you something.

SO, what you are telling me is James and Regulus left the locker room together? Blushing? And you caught Reg with a hickey? Sounds kind of fishy Siri.. Might have to ask James about that. Now I don't know them of course, but best friends' brother is the most enticing trope out there. Maybe they REALLY get on. If you get what I mean.

You told me not to laugh, but when I read you are 5’7 a laugh escaped my mouth. I will have to look down to talk to you. Must be cold down there. 

You imagine me well. I have a fuck ton of freckles; kind looks like someone flicked paint all over me. 

About your second confession, what did you relapse with? Like was it drugs or what? Sorry if that's a stupid question, I am just trying to find common ground. I really hope you're feeling better now though. 

Before I answer and ask your questions, I am going to rant a small bit. My Da is honestly stressing me out so much. One day he is laughing with me, the next he doesn't come home, and the next I have to take the beer bottle out of his hand to stop him from drinking. Ma is getting scared, and so am I. There's just this tense aura around the house. Now that I'm going to be working, I am scared my Da will do something to my Ma and I won't be there to help. They both have jobs, but they get freedays often.

I'm probably just overthinking it, but it really is getting to me. The chain-smoking cigs probably isn't helping my case. I keep getting the urge to set the cigarettes out on my arm, just to feel that burn again. Makes me feel like a crazy person. Whenever I think that, I just watch some cheesy romcom. 

Okay, here are the answers, I know you've been waiting.

Are you religious? I want to be, but I haven't found the right one yet. it would feel nice to have some explanation for all this.

Three favorite songs right now?  Hmm.. The prettiest star by bowie for sure. Then maybe Master of None by beach house. Lils sent it to me, and it just is so.. sensual. Intimate even. Last one is America by Simon and Garfunkel. No explanation needed.

Favorite quote? This is a hard one, I have a journal just to write quotes in. My favorite is probably one by Camus. “If you must die, then I’ll envy even the Earth that wraps your body.” Crazy.

Could you see yourself falling in love?  Maybe.

What would your ideal date be? Catching a random train into a random town and doing random shit, honestly. Everyone is too focused on planned dates that they don't realize that the fun comes from the world around you. If that makes any sense.

I asked the moon for help on these questions, in honor of my new nickname.

What is your life motto?

Top 3 songs as of RIGHT NOW?

What song would play at the end credits if your life was a movie?

Is it better to speak or to die? (I am watching Call me your name as I write this)

What's your favorite scent?

Do you believe in aliens?

Give me good costume ideas.

Sincerely,

   Remus J. Lupin

PS I hate your mom more than I hate myself

-delivered friday, october 17th-

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡✈︎⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

-sent friday, october 17th-

DEAREST REMUS JONER LUPIN,

My jeans are forming an awkward shaped mound near my crotch as I sit and write this. Good thing I am in the most secluded part of the library. Before you ask, Reg made me go with him since his friends are too busy doing drugs. I think he's trying to sober me up. I also think that the gods are hinting at me to start wearing tighter jeans.

I hate Christmas. I am Scrooge or whatever the hell his name is. I HATE CHRISTMASSSS. It is just an excuse for everyone to kiss under a mistletoe and have sex. Plus, you have to spend hard earned money on presents!! I lie; I like the present part. I don't like receiving presents though, it makes me feel weird. Us Blacks never celebrated Christmas. Only had a Christmas feast party with the whole bloodline and shit. Boring as hell.

I miss you, Moons. Don't tell the punk-rock police, but I am really starting to enjoy our friendship. Our pen-pal ship. Reg thinks that Moony is a cute nickname. So did James and Pete, the girls all laughed at me when I told them. Evans’ said she is going to give you shit for it. Sorry not sorry.

Who has two thumbs and a tongue piercing? This guy. Joke makes no sense on paper but imagine me pointing my thumbs at myself. Burns like a bitch whenever I eat. Barty didn't kill me, which is always good. I've found that if you freeze lollipops in the freezer and suck on them it numbs the pain. Reg’s piercings look sick, Effie and Monty are going to kill us, but it's worth it. I hope Mum sees them; she would actually try to murder us with her bare hands.

Look at you Moonshine, getting out there!! Don't replace me with this Tom guy, or I will go to Wales and make sure he goes missing. Who knows, maybe you'll get some dick at this party. Or pussy. Both sound good right now. I think the gods are now hinting at you to get a phone Moons. It's almost time. I know it's scary, but sometimes it is nice to act like a real teenager and not someone's Grandpa.

Mommy Lupin can meet Effie and Monty whenever she wants. Say the word and I will give you the address. Or I will come over. Be careful though, moms tend to love me. If not, I guess I'll just settle for her son.

And holy shit Moons. I am so sorry for that joke I made. The teacher one. I didn't know. Obviously, you know that, but it was still so so so fucked of me. I understand why you were so concerned about that guy using me now. If my flirting or like.. sexual jokes ever make you uncomfortable just tell me and I will stop. You're not alone, Moons. Ever. I will always be here. It might breach the rules of pen pals, but here's my number in case you ever need to talk, +44********. I will be at your beck and call.

I hope that someday you will feel comfortable enough around me that my touch won't scare you. It's kind of funny how different we are. I am touch-starved and crave the touch, but everyone treats me like I am going to break if they touch me. But I love physical touch. I couldn't tell you the amount of dating allegations I've had to deny just from being affectionate with my friends. Reg is like you; he quivers at the lightest touch. 

You having mental problems doesn't scare me nor does it make me uncomfortable. I have been through things too, and so I have my own baggage. I would never be a person that leaves you because of something that happened to you. Especially something like that.

Such an innocent boy you are Remus. Noses are obviously the most attractive feature on a man's face. The bigger the better. Wink wink. And yes, I am smoking hot. So are you. Well at least I think you are. Do you have a short-short kink, Remus? If so, you are lucky. They do wonders for my legs and arse. My hairdo depends on the day, but for games I always secure it in a bun. 

I told Reggie your costume suggestion and he said it's a good idea. Apparently, he has gotten into scrapbooking and has a lot of star stickers. So, listen to this, we are going to stick them all over my body. And I am going to steal Dorcas’ body glitter and spray it all over. OH MY GOD!! I also have some star clips for my hair and and and.. I don't know what else. But thank you Moony!! Reg is being The Narrator, and he is making Barty be his Tyler Durden. Emo, I know, but he has the eyebags for the role, so it should be good. James is gonna be Jacob Elordi in Saltburn, I doubt you know that one though. Pete is doing some matching thing with Pandora and Evan, but I forgot.

HA!! As if. James knows that if he ever touched my brother, I would kill him. You know what, to prove you wrong, I will ask reg right now. He just scoffed and continued his work. It must have made him mad thinking about it though, he turned red as hell and started talking in French.

Making fun of my height is fun until you feel me biting your ankles. One wrong move and I will strike, Lupin. Do not test me.

I relapsed on self-harm. Depressed and emo. Might as well start listening to My Chemical Romance to fit the stereotype. Common ground you say though? What do you mean by that? I am feeling a little better, but I miss the pain. I knew I was making a mistake, but I was so stressed and needed a distraction. Stupid of me. Plus, James almost saw the scar in the changing room. He is getting more suspicious of me by the day. I'm just scared he will tell Effie or Minny.

I was thinking about it, and Minny is like my teacher. I don't know if you remember, but in one of your letters you asked if I had a comfort teacher. It is Minny. She knew about my family before James did, and worked so hard with Effie to get me out of that house. I don't know what I would do without her. The power of a woman.

Mr. Lupin needs to calm the fuck down. If he ever tries anything, you have to be the man of the household and get him the fuck out of there. Talk some sense into your mom or something. Smoking cigs is definitely not helping the case, maybe replace this nic with weed and you will feel better. Not encouraging it of course, but just trying to suggest. Also, when was he last time you blew a load? Maybe it will make you feel better. Might steal the romcom strat from you next time I wanna hurt myself.

My birthday coming up always puts me in a mood. It's like a dark cloud looming over me. I love celebrating birthdays, but not mine. It's weird. We never celebrated birthdays as Blacks. Maybe a little reminder teh day of, but I never knew it was such a big thing until I came to Hogwarts. You don't have to get me anything Moons. But, if you want to, I want it to be from the heart. 

Holidays always sucked for me. There was one birthday when I was 9. I remember it so vividly, no matter how much I try to forget, I can't. I just finished my Latin lessons, and the tutor left. Mum claimed I had an ‘attitude’ with the tutor. I probably did, but she overreacted. Got locked in the closet for 2 days. No food. Reg had to give me water under the crack of the door. It was stupid, I could only drink so little from a bottle cap at a time. When she finally let me out, I was so miserable I could barely stand. Her and Papa took me to the living room and tied me to a chair. Made Reg come in and watch as they took turns beating me. It worked for him; he never showed an attitude towards an adult again.

The Potters have made the birthdays more bearable. Plus, the Halloween-birthday parties (you guessed correctly) are amazing. I just drink away my problems. Effie and Monty send me presents every year, even though I tell them not too. I expect they will get Reg presents too. Once his birthday comes. He is a December baby, not that surprising, considering he looks like he's a frozen vampire all the time. His accent doesn't help. Sometimes I wish my French accent was heavier; it attracts people faster. Not that I have any troubles in that field.

I just listened to Master of None. Made Reg listen to me, he said it's Dorcas’ favorite song right now. It is indeed very sensual. That's a good word to describe it, Moons. Imagine listening to it with high. That would be fun.

That Camus quote is amazing. I read it aloud to Reg, and he actually showed some emotion on his face. He grabbed his phone and texted it to someone, but he won't tell me who. It's probably his mysterious lover.

Your ideal date is similar to mine. I love being spontaneous. One-time last Christmas, me and Marls were bored so we took the train to Liverpool and pretended to be a newlywed couple. Got a few discounts. It was sick.

How are you doing Moony? And be honest. I guess that will be my first question. But before I ask away, I will respond to yours. This is starting to become one of my favorite parts. Just us getting to know each other with tiny questions like these. Hopefully one day we will be able to talk to each other and ask in real life. 

What is your life motto? if no one comes from the future to stop me from making a decision, then it is not bad

Top 3 songs as of RIGHT NOW?  Jeepster by T Rex, Moon song by Phoebe Bridgers, anddd Last words of a shooting star by Mitski. If you don't know those last two, you have to go to your closest listening booth and find them on CD and listen to them.

What song would play at the end credits if your life was a movie? This is a hard one. Maybe Bohemian Rhapsody. The first time I heard it, I cried.

Is it better to speak or to die? Speak. Definitely. I would rather die heard then die misunderstood.

What's your favorite scent?  I like the smell of herbal tea and paper. Reminds me of what a home should smell like.

Do you believe in aliens? Hell yeah, I live with one and his name is James.

Reg is helping me come up with these questions, so if the handwriting looks weird it's because he wrote them.

What do you keep in your bag?

Did you know that when Sirius was a kid he would eat whole watermelons daily? Rind and Seeds in all.

Did you know that Sirius named his hands and talks to them like they are people when he's alone?

Why do you like talking to annoying bitches? (I am not letting Reg ask questions anymore. Ignore all his questions.)

What is a song that describes your current dilemma?

What is the weirdest thing you do when you are alone?

Who is your celebrity crush?

Do you believe in soulmates?

What is love to you?

I still can't believe the nerve Regulus has. Exposing me like that. I would cross it out, but he would not let me. Says ‘he has to know what he's signing up for.’ Such a bitch.

By the way, I think you should be a cowboy for halloween. In honor of Jack Twist. RIP.

Love,

   Sirius O. Black

PS Why do you never sign off with ‘love’?

-delivered tuesday, october 21st-

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡✈︎⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

-sent wednesday, october 22nd-

Dear Sirius Oasis Black,

Please don't put your life in the handsssss. Of a rock and roll banddddddddd!!!!!!

I am in my ‘Oasis Era’ as Lily says. Do you like Oasis? If you don't, we can't be friends anymore. Tom tells me that Blur is better. I don't get the hype really. I made him play me that Mitski and Phoebe Bridgers song. Are you alright mate?? We both almost started crying. I really am getting worried for your health. Listening to these songs mustn't be helping your current state.

My mind started to imagine you wearing tight jeans, but I had to shut it down fast. I don't even know what you look like and it made me a madman. Strange.

Good on Reg, trying to get you sober. Drugs are never good for you. You aren't even in uni yet.

You are complaining about Christmas, but I bet that once you find a lover, you will become one of those people you complain about. I understand why you don't like Christmas, but isn't it nice to at least dream about finding love that lasts for the holidays? Being all wrapped up and cozy with someone you love and drinking some hot coco? Sounds pretty nice to me.

I resent you for this Moony nickname. Lils won't stop bullying me. This is all your fault. Despite my negative feelings, I still miss you. I wish I could hear from you everyday, but we probably wouldn't have a lot to talk about. 

Thank you for sharing your number. I will use it when I need to. Finally convinced Ma to let us get a house phone. Just a few minutes ago she said yes, actually. So next time I go to work I am going to buy one. Once I get it working, I will call you. If I'm being honest, I am scared to hear your voice. You won't be reading this letter until after I call you, so I am free to say whatever I want. What if you sound so hot I just combust? I will probably mind blank the second I hear you. God, I am already embarrassed.

Imagining you sucking on a lollipop is not helping my state. I am still crazy over the tight jeans fantasy. I sound like a perv right now, I swear I'm not. Shifting topic now. Effie and Monty are James’ parents, correct? I am assuming so. I guess they are your parents now too. I'm happy you have them. Who knows if we would've ‘met’ if you didn't have them.

No matter how much you and Lils beg, I am not getting a phone!! They are so stupid. I never needed one and I will never need one. If an old man doesn't need one, I don't either. You don't need to worry about me getting some. Trust me. And I won't be replacing you with Tom, you silly bastard.

Never call my ma ‘Mommy’ again. I am really starting to think you have a kink for stuff like this. Her name is Hope. My da’s name is Lyall. Wow, we are really in deep now. We know each other's parents' names, but not each other's middle names. We should start making educated guesses on the middle names instead of stupid words. Whoever gets it right first, gets a prize. Whoever wins gets to choose the prize I suppose.

Your jokes don't make me uncomfortable. I just assumed you were like that with everyone haha. If you aren't, then I don't mind. Makes me feel kinda special if that's the case. I certainly don't joke like this with Lily or Tom, that's for sure.

I think one day I will feel comfortable touching you. You seem like a good person, Sirius, and I already like you a lot. I am sorry I'm difficult with things like this, considering how much you like physical touch. I am also sorry for doubting you how I did. It's the trust issues. I would never leave you for your problems, but I hope you are true to your word. If not, I will be very disappointed.

Not to burst your bubble, but what about your scars? It sounds like you plan on being shirtless for your costume, do you think they will be healed by then? Maybe you don't care about them showing as much as I do. I bet you will look great anyways. I haven't heard of Saltburn, but I mentioned it to Tonks when I stopped by and she said it's really good. I might get the DVD.

Speaking of movies, I got 3 new DVDs from the second hand store!!! Me and my ma watched two of them together, and they were utterly amazing. The first was this one called ‘Before Sunrise’ and I think I fell in love with it. It was just like watching two people fall in love. I also got ‘The Mask’ and it was weird as hell. Anyway, the other one I haven't watched yet but it's called ‘My Own Private Idaho.’ I’ll watch it tonight and let you know what I think in the next letter. When are you going to send ‘Mysterious Skin’ over??

Regulus is blushing, he isnt mad. You are so oblivious Sirius. I probably sound crazy, but this is interesting to watch unfold. I bet they will get together soon if they aren't already.

We are more similar than I thought Sirius, and we continue to be similar as the letters stack. I actually understand your joke this time. Unfortunately. Could've been better though. We all start somewhere I guess. I have a lot of scars. Do you? What would happen if James found out? What if Effie and Minnie did? My ma thinks I’m clean, but I am not. I still do it a lot. I am choosing to be honest with you, please dont snitch. Neither of us should be doing this, Sirius. I think you should tell Effie. I know, it's contradictory, knowing that I wont tell my ma, but she is already under enough with my da and stuff.

Don't tell me to wank and bust unless you want to help. Da burned my porn right in front of me and it turns out my imagination isn't as good as I thought it would be. I need the visuals. Maybe I will buy a movie from the store.

I never liked my birthday either. I will be making you something, I hope you like it. It will be made with love, no hate in my heart towards you. Abusive parents confuse me. How could someone ever treat their child like that? Just know, you are loved now Sirius, and I will remind you of that as often as I can. 

I want to hear you and Regulus talk. French accents are so funny. By the way, when is his birthday? Should I be jealous of Marlene? She sounds lesbian. That newly-wed thing sounds fun though. Everything you do sounds fun.

I am doing as good as a depressed teen in the middle of nowhere-Wales can do. So not very good. Ma is getting bad again, I can tell she is going to have an episode soon. Da is getting more hot-headed by the day. I get all the bad things from them. I hate it. I spend most of my day on the coast with Bob. He finally learned how to use the toilet, by the way. He is slowly learning how to walk with a harness, but he doesn't really need it. He's a good boy. He stays by his dads side. 

Are you always this mean to James? Does he need saving?? Thank you for the costume, I will be a cowboy. Sounds like a good idea, Lils liked it. Said this funny thing. It's embarrassing writing it. She said, ‘Save a horse, ride a cowboy.’ Ha. My hand is cramping so I’m gonna get this ready to send off. Stan is gonna be here for mail soon anyways. 

What do you keep in your bag? I usually carry some cigs, a small journal, my reading glasses, my Walkman and headphones, and some gum. All a guy needs.

What is a song that describes your current dilemma? First love Late spring. After Tom played that song for me, I went to the store and bought ‘Bury me at Makeout creek.’ This is a hard question, but that sound is really relatable.

What is the weirdest thing you do when you are alone? Whenever I am home alone, which is a lot of the time, I walk around naked (except for a ‘cape’ made out of a bedsheet) and I pretend I am a king. No telling anyone or I will sink into the Earth.

Who is your celebrity crush?  Rodrick Heffley. If that counts. Or Ben Barnes. The Dorian Gray movie was ass, but it was worth it for him.

Do you believe in soulmates? I don't know, I don't think I would have one if they were real. I can't imagine there being someone that likes me the way I would like them.

What is love to you? Silence. Just being able to exist in the presence of someone else, without needing to communicate. Using eyes to speak words. Shit like that.

These questions are rushed. Ignore my messy writing.

If you could make out with any celebrity, who would it be?

Do you like jewelry?

Silver or gold?

What would your dream house be?

What is love to you?

What is your favorite quote?

I have to go now. Hear you soon. One day, you will get ‘love’. Until then, be grateful boy!

Yours,

   Remus J. Lupin

PS Tell Reg he is hilarious. And your motto is stupid. Just like you.

-delivered saturday, october 25th-