I am not a good person but I could be.
I am not a good listener but I could be.
I am not a good fighter but I could be.
I am not a good friend but I could be.
I am not a good musician but I could be.
I am not a good artist but I could be.
I am not a good author but I could be.
I am not good enough to be recognizable.
I am not good enough to be memorable.
I am not good enough to be considered good.
I am not good enough to be remembered as good.
I am not good enough for people to like me.
I am not good enough for people to love me.
I am not good enough for people.
I am not good enough for myself.
I am not good enough for anything or anyone.
I am not good enough for people to stay beside me,
Not when it’s raining,
Not when it’s cold,
Not when it’s storming
Not when it’s hot,
Not when it’s sunny,
Not when it’s warm.
I think, therefore I am. Not.
I think but that does not make me any better.
I think but that does not make my life any better.
I think but with every second that I hide in my own mind I am less.
If I met different people,
If I had done things differently,
If I could decide with my head, instead of my heart,
If I could do more than just existing,
If I could be anything other than I actually am,
Then I could be something I am not.
Then I could be someone new,
Someone with a heart for others,
Someone who helps without question,
Someone with the skills to be good at something.
If my life were different, I would be different, my problems, my friends, my thoughts and
most important
I WOULD BE BETTER.
And if it just were one thing I would be better at.
That would be enough.
I would be enough for people to stay, regardless of the weather,
Regardless of myself.
People would find something worth for them to stay.
And I would also find something worth fighting for.
Not just the possibility of getting better, but rather the true belief that it will.
No matter what.
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————My thoughts are being interrupted from the sound of shoes coming up the stairs.
I want to hide. I want to argue. I want it all to end.
I stop right where I am.
The person before me is no other than the reason why I am here right now.
He looks like death, like the world is ending and maybe it did. Maybe we are both dead, that would make everything easier to bear. To know that it can not get any worse. James looks like he wants to cry and I do the only thing possible, I open my arms for him to fall into.
That is something I learned, even the sun needs someone to hold onto. I do not know how long, but the stars begin to fade and my arms grow tired. But I don’t dare to let go of him right now. Not in this state. After another while he looks up to me and the moment our eyes meet the sun goes up.
And for one blink of a moment the stars and the sun shine together. Then reality kicks in, I begin to wonder why he’s here. So I ask. He answers. “ I know that I should not have gotten angry. I know that it was not your fault and I am terribly sorry for suggesting so.” Regulus wanted to answer and James came to an absolute standstill.
There he was, standing in the middle of it all.
Of all the chaos and problems, like the center.
Like he was the reason why everything did fall apart.
Oh and the look in his face told James, it told him why they were here now.
But before the first sound of what Regulus wanted to say fell from his lips and filled the air between them, he already knew.
He knew, not because it was something obvious or someone else already informed him.
No, just because he had the ability to not only see the boy standing before him, no he also could see deeper inside.
Seeing his dearest desires, his greatest fears and far more important all of his mistakes.
He was seeing all of them, every single thing his star ever did that was even slightly bad.
But for him it did not change a thing, he had seen him at his lowest, at his most wrecked self and he loved him,
right there. Right at this places inside of his soul.
For all that he was trying to be, for all that he did, for all that he said, for all that he stand up for and for all he really was.
James had loved him at his lowest, he loved him right now and he would love him at his greatest.
So when he told him about it, it did not matter. Not really, he just needed some time to get that his love for Regulus was more than his loyalty to Dumbledore.
But why, why did it not matter to him what he did, Regulus asked.
And the answer could not be more obvious, of course because James loved him. More than the good in this world. Enough to break every rule that is there in war.
In this moment everything seemed to click into the right place.
Love was the answer to a question that Regulus had asked an uncountable amount of times throughout history, it was the one thing that he always asked for from James, that could excuse anything and everything.
Because they both had met millions of times in the past.
And it did not matter in which bodies, in which minds or how far they had been separated.
They found each other, every single time.
They hated each other, every single time.
They fell in love, every single time.
And at all times before it had ended right at this moment, because he always came back.
But this time they would not fall apart, this time they would fight together and not against each other like they had before. Whenever this moment of their time together came.
This time their love would be stronger than the forces that destroyed them.
Even if the gods themselves had something against them, they were never strong enough to keep them far from each other, they were only strong enough to take their happy ending.
But their beginning was something so powerful, yet so simple that it brought the gods always to their knees.
This time they should just stay like this, both of them thought. So they did.
With one last glance back, to all the tragic stories that were their own,
they took a step toward an end they did not knew. Because in the million years of their love they never dared to take the happy ending
But now they would do it
together. And whatever was left in the world that wanted to destroy them. It would crumble beneath their feet’s.
Because of a simple and plain reason, together they were unstoppable. They would find a way to glow in the darkness that wanted to swallow both of them. Together they left the tragic aspects of them in a world that was crumbling down. Together they would arrive at a new one and then they would live the lives that they owed every other version of them.