Sirius Black’s main flaw, and there were many to choose from, was that he was bad at following directions. It wasn’t that he couldn’t or was too slow to follow them, it was that when someone told him what to do, it made something in his brain itch. It was rather annoying. There were times when he had every intention of doing something, but then when someone told him to do that exact thing, he just couldn’t, which is why he ended up running away from home when he was 16. That wasn’t just because of his own lack of self-control. His parents were diagnosable psychos. However, his affinity for rebellion certainly didn’t help. He was like James Dean in Rebel without a Cause.
Which is why he now had to start at this shitty job as some well-known writer’s personal assistant. The job part was his own fault. He went through four years of university and refused to actually make any plans for the future. He just took whatever class seemed somewhat interesting and ended up with a bachelor's in modern languages and absolutely no idea what he wanted to do.
So now he was about to knock on Remus Lupin’s door (which, by the way, was a flat that had a five-story walk-up). Sirius waited a few seconds to fully catch his breath and think bitterly about his best friend, James, who almost certainly wouldn’t need to catch his breath, the athletic bastard. Sirius pressed his knuckles to the door and knocked twice.
He could hear some gruff rumblings behind the door and then it swung open to produce a man with dishwater blond hair, the shade that has people questioning the line between blonde and brown hair with a few grey hairs sprinkled in. He was an absolute giant. Sirius was not short (5’10 is a perfectly respectable height) but this man was at least half a foot taller than him. He had a few faded scars across his face and hazel eyes. He looked to be about forty years old if Sirius had to guess. His corduroy pants, jumper, and rectangle reading glasses would help in that analysis.
“Well?” The man asked.
“I’m supposed to be Remus Lupin’s new assistant?” Sirius asked questioningly. He was supposed to have been expecting him.
“For fucks sake.” Remus exclaimed but moved to let Sirius in, “Lily said that she was doing this but I told her not to. I don’t need an assistant.” Sirius looked around at the living room of the flat, it was a mess, but a homey mess. There were stacks of papers and books covering just about every surface. He could spot about five different mugs left on various tables. There were shelves and shelves of books and records. There was a bluesy record being played and the cover was propped up that said it was Dave Van Ronk, an artist that Sirius had never heard of.
“Right,” Sirius said not really knowing what to do. “I need the money, so I think I’ll stay if you don’t mind.”
The man pursed his lips, “Fine, just be quiet. I don’t have anything for you to do so try to sit still or something.” Sirius raised his eyebrows thinking that he had never been able to be quiet and sit still in his life. He also could not believe that this man thought that there was nothing for him to do, also, he wondered if he had considered the fact that he was the one paying Sirius, while meager, a full salary to sit still and do nothing.
“Alright,” Sirius saluted the man and fell into the Remus’ sofa. The man looked at him warily but then sat back down at his desk to continue working. This lasted about a total of thirty seconds until Sirius couldn’t take it anymore. He got up, as quietly as he could, and started looking at Remus’ record collection. It was pretty vast with tons of artists that Sirius had never heard of and plenty that he had. It looked like he had every album that The Beatles ever released. He had folk, rock, metal, punk, new wave, and even a few pop albums. Some of which were quite valuable.
“Holy shit you have the ‘66 pressing of The Velvet Underground and Nico,” Sirius exclaimed, forgetting for a moment that he was supposed to be quiet. Remus looked up with his glasses at the tip of his nose.
“Don’t touch it,” he ordered.
“Can I play it?” Sirius asked completely ignoring the order.
Remus huffed and got up. He grabbed the album and replaced the blues singer with the sweet opening of Sunday Morning. Then after giving Sirius a quick glare, he got back to the desk and began working again. Sirius then started looking at the books, of which there were very few he recognized. His brother would probably do better there, but Sirius didn’t really have the patience for reading. After about ten more minutes, Sirius got bored again. He didn’t know how long this job would last if this kept up.
Sirius then started tidying. He found all the abandoned tea cups and brought them to the kitchen, which, while not necessarily clean, was significantly cleaner than the living room. It was cluttered but there wasn’t anything rotting. He washed the cups and began to place them in their respective cupboards. He found that Remus owned about twenty different mugs and two plates. This made him smile for some reason.
“How’d you like your tea?” He poked his head out of the kitchen.
The man took a deep breath like having someone make him tea was a great imposition and finally admitted, “black with four sugars.”
Sirius smiled, “Ah, sweet tooth.” Then dancing a bit to There She Goes Again, he began brewing the tea. Then he placed the cup in front of the man who ignored him. Sirius finally got the sense that Remus Lupin, while not going to be happy about it, was not going to really going to stop Sirius from doing whatever he wanted. So Sirius decided to start organizing the stacks of papers that adorned just about every surface. They were mostly essays and articles, which he sorted by topic and then author.
He then started to place the books back onto the bookshelves. It seemed that at one point in time, they had been organized by the author, but after a while of them being removed and mixed up, they were only vaguely organized. Once the album stopped playing, Sirius quickly moved and replaced the extremely valuable album with Cheap Thrills. Sirius unconsciously began to sing along. He didn’t have anything like Joplin’s vocals, but he wasn’t so bad. When he finally noticed his own singing, he also noticed that Remus didn’t seem all that put out by his singing. By lunchtime, the place was nice and tidy. It could use some sweeping and dusting, but besides that, much more pleasant to be around.
“Would you like some lunch,” Sirius asked the man who hadn’t looked up from his page in about an hour and a half.
“What time is it?” Remus asked.
“Quarter to one,” Sirius asked.
“Right- well. I don’t usually eat lunch but- um- if you’re leaving anyway, sure.” Remus responded.
“Great, any preferences?” Sirius asked grabbing his coat that he had left on the sofa.
“Um-” For a minute the man was distracted looking around his flat. “You cleaned?”
“You didn’t notice?” Sirius asked, wondering if this man really had no notion of what was happening around him.
“I guess not.” Remus frowned a bit. “What did you do with my papers?” He said and then Sirius gestured to a small table next to the window.
“They’re all there, I organized them, you shouldn’t have any issues finding what you want.” Sirius shrugged.
Remus began to get up and then noticed the empty cup of tea that he had drunk on his desk. “Did you make me tea?”
“Yes,” Sirius laughed a bit. Did Remus seriously not notice the fact that Sirius had made him tea and he drank the entire thing?
“I must’ve really been in a trance I guess,” Remus said. “I’ll go with you for lunch.”
“Great!” Sirius exclaimed. “Let’s go.”
There was an awkward silence as they walked down the five stories of stairs. Finally, when they opened the door to the building and felt the spring air on the skill, the silence fell away. There was honking and various city sounds that made their quiet feel less abrasive. Sirius didn’t know where Remus was leading them, but he trusted him. He was right to because Remus led them into a dingy pub called the Hogs Head. It was one of those places that probably had a few health code violations but whose food was exquisite. Sirius wound up getting the same meal that Remus did and they sat in a quiet corner booth.
“So,” Sirius started refusing to spend more time in silence, “what are you writing.”
“A novel,” the man responded.
“Hmm- and what is the novel about?”
“A man’s life,” Remus responded and Sirius raised his eyebrows at him.
“Are you purposely being evasive?” Sirius asked.
“No, the book is just about a normal man’s normal life,” Remus shrugged.
“Why would anyone want to read that?” Sirius asked.
“Why wouldn’t people want to read that? We all live normal lives, or most of us anyway. Would you not want to read a book about your own life?” Remus asked.
“I’d read a book about my life but I wouldn’t say it's been particularly normal,” Sirius responded. “Anyway, there’s no such thing as a normal life. Everyone’s had their own intricacies, hardships, and passions that make them extraordinary, and if they haven’t then that’s pretty extraordinary on its own.”
“That’s exactly the point of the book,” Remus enthused. “He lives a life that most people would construe as boring but when you get into his point of view on what’s going on you find that it's not actually all that boring at all.”
Sirius paused and thought on it, “I’m still not sure I get it.” When Remus started to explain further Sirius interrupted, “No, I get what you're saying but I still don’t know how that will come across. Does he get married?”
“Yes,” Remus answered.
“So it’s a love story,” Sirius responded.
“No, he never falls in love with his wife,” Remus answered.
“Then why’d he marry her,” Sirius asked.
“He didn’t ever feel like he fell in love with any woman, but he wanted a family so he married a girl,” Remus responded.
“Not being able to fall in love isn’t really average,” Sirius responded, although he had never really fallen in love himself.
“He’s able to fall in love, he’s just gay,” Remus responded flippantly.
“That’s certainly not average,” Sirius responded.
“For some people it is,” Remus responded.
“But if you make the main character gay, isn’t it more about being queer than it is about being average,” Sirius responded, “Unless you think the average reader of your books is gay.”
“I’m not sure they aren’t,” Remus responded, “Anyways, it’s not about him being gay, he never even realizes the fact that he’s gay.”
“How’d you write him as queer then? Did you make the narrator say it or something?” Sirius asked.
“You haven’t read many books have you?” Remus asked with a small smile.
“I’m a little insulted however it is true that I haven’t read many,” Sirius responded. “I can’t sit still long enough.”
“Well then, as I’ve read thousands and written several, you’ll have to adhere to my expertise on the matter. I can write a character as quite gay without explicitly mentioning it. If my readers don’t understand that the character is gay then that is on them, but I’ve had lots of feedback from readers who do understand when I write a character as gay,” Remus explained.
“Are you gay?” Sirius asked already knowing the answer to the question.
“Yes,” Remus responded, “You?”
“I’m not sure,” Sirius responded because he had honestly never thought about it.
“Very well then,” Remus said getting up, “We should head back.”
Sirius, feeling like he said something wrong, followed him out of the building. He had never met someone openly gay. He assumed that there were people out there who were, he just didn’t really think about it. It was none of his business but somehow, now he was thinking that it might just be that, his business.
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The rest of that day went fairly similar to the morning. He kept on cleaning the flat, listening to music, and asking Remus if he needed anything. At some point during the afternoon, Remus’ mail came in and Sirius started going through it. If there were any bills or requests he asked Remus about them and then handled them. In all, it came out to be about thirty minutes worth of work.
Sirius wondered what he was going to do the following days. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was pretty sure the man would be in a weird trance for the entire day forgetting to go to the bathroom or eat, Sirius would say he was completely useless. Instead, rather, he was just a bit bored.
The next day he showed up at nine in the morning again. Remus greeted him politely and let him in. Then, they both got to work. Remus continued writing while Sirius cleaned the small mess Remus had made the previous night from his takeout. Then he spent the rest of the morning trying to read one of the books Remus had written. He would get ten pages in then get distracted, then get back to reading again.
At lunch, they repeated the previous day’s actions and wound up at the corner booth at the Hog’s Head again. Sirius had been thinking about the previous day’s conversation and wanted to continue it.
“How’d you know you were gay?” Sirius asked. It was a bit personal but Remus was free to not answer it if he wanted.
“It took me a while,” Remus started, “I was older than you, about thirty. I had had girlfriends and it all felt rather hollow. I mean I liked the girls, I could tell they were pretty and I enjoyed spending time with them, but it wasn’t what love was supposed to feel like. I guess I haven’t really felt what it’s supposed to feel like yet but I’m on a better path. It was while I was dating one of these girls, my friend Lily, the one who interviewed you.” Sirius remembered the woman. She was absolutely gorgeous and spoke with the utmost respect for Remus. “Well, I was dating her and we went to a concert together and I kept looking at the lead singer. I realized that it wasn’t specifically heterosexual feelings I was feeling. However, it took a little longer to realize because somedays I wanted to say I was straight and some day I just wanted to admit that I was gay. It took a while to sort through my feelings and differentiate what I wanted versus what I actually was, but I got there in the end.”
“So you’re advice it to sit with your feelings?” Sirius asked. It was sort of the obvious answer but it had never really occurred to him.
“Yes, basically, try to avoid your personal biases,” Remus answered. “Do you think you might be gay?”
“I’m not sure,” Sirius responded, “I think you’re quite fit, but I can’t tell if that’s just an objective analysis or if I actually am attracted to you.” There was a slight hint of red that showed up at the tip of Remus’ ears.
“I’m too old for you,” Remus said with a bit of a smile as he shook his head.
“Hardly,” Sirius says waving his hand, “How old are you, forty?”
“Thirty-eight,” Remus responded. “You?”
“See, younger than I even thought,” Sirius smiled, “I’m twenty-two.”
At that, Remus laughed. “I could be your father.”
“Oh no you couldn’t be,” Sirius smiled. “My father was a complete sociopath who had an awful bald patch by the time he was your age.”
“You’re making me feel like Mr. Rochester,” Remus responded.
“I have no idea who that is.” Sirius smiled.
“Read a book, Sirius.”
Soon after that, they went back to Remus’ home and Sirius continued with his meager tasks and tried to read more of Remus’ book. He found that Remus was definitely smarter than he was. He didn’t understand how one could morph and merge words to be like that. He did like the book, he wasn’t sure what about the main character was supposed to be gay, but he was doing his best to figure it out.
When he left, he went straight to his brother’s flat. It was much nicer than his own, because of the whole, not being disowned thing. He asked his brother about Remus Lupin. His brother read every book known to man, so he was sure that he would know who he was. When the question was asked, Regulus looked up and looked carefully at his brother.
“Why?” He asked stiffly.
“I’m his new assistant,” Sirius said lightly, “I’ve started reading one of his books but I’m no connoisseur. So I figured I’d ask my brother who was.”
“I have all of his books,” Regulus answered.
“Really?” Sirius asked, pleasantly surprised. “I was talking with him, and he said that a lot of his characters were queer and I was wondering if you were able to tell that.”
Regulus’ whole body went rigid. “Sirius.” Then Sirius realized what was happening. Remus said it himself, his readers were almost all gay.
“Oh- so you’re-”
“Sirius.” Regulus responded.
“You don’t want to say it out loud?” Sirius asked.
“No,” Regulus responded stiffly. “I don’t.”
“You know I don’t have any problem with that, right?” Sirius asked.
“I do now,” Regulus said as he nodded. “You can’t say anything.”
“Who would I say anything to?” He asked and Regulus looked imploringly at him. “I promise I won’t say anything.” Regulus seemed to release a large breath. It seemed to Sirius there was queerness all around him and he didn’t know. Was he just oblivious? “How’d you know you were gay?”
Regulus flinched at the word but answered quietly, “I’ve always known. Since I was a small child, I’ve known. Can you please leave?”
Sirius didn’t take offense to this. Regulus was wound tighter than a bed spring, always had been. He got stressed from the smallest issue and this was no small issue. It might not be an issue at all but it definitely wasn’t small. He wondered how many more people in his life were queer. James maybe, but who's to say?
Sirius turned to leave but before he walked out the door, he turned to ask his brother one last question, “Do you know who Mr. Rochester is?”
“From Jane Eyre?” Regulus asked.
“I guess-” Sirius responded, “Who is he in the book?”
“He’s the love interest. Jane Eyre was a governess taking care of his ward when they fell in love. He was a lot older than her but that was less weird back then. They were set to get married but it turned out that he was already married to a mad woman who he kept in his attic.”
“Oh- right, thanks,” Sirius said and finally left. He wondered what Remus meant by the reference. Was it just that Sirius was a lot younger or did Remus keep a wife in his attic? Jane Eyre was much too long of a book to read and figure out the details of the reference, but it did help Sirius to know that Remus didn’t have an attic, and either way, Mr. Rochester was the love interest.
The next day, Sirius continued to do what he had been doing. Except he found himself smiling at Remus and sometimes he would look over and find Remus staring at him. It made his heart beat a bit quicker whenever that happened. He figured that was a fairly homosexual interaction. He thought he had a crush on Remus. He had had pseudo-crushes before. On his friend Marlene, who he thought he wanted to emulate more than he wanted to date, now that he thought about it. This was a bit more real, more like how it is in the songs.
Their luncheon conversations consisted of more flirting and more philosophical conversations. Remus was quiet and understated, yet so fucking smart. Sirius thought he might be the most intelligent person he had ever met, and he didn’t even make Sirius feel small. Sirius found himself wanting to reach out and run his hand through Remus’ graying hair, or touch his broad shoulders which he must have gotten through pure genetics because he had never once seen Remus do anything that might construe exercise.
He had to admit that the sixteen-year age difference was probably something he had to be wary of. Remus certainly was. Anytime their conversations turned flirty, which wasn’t uncommon, Remus brought it up. However, Sirius was an adult and did not feel even in the slightest taken advantage of. He thought that it was bullshit to not date someone because of some generic rule that didn’t really cause any harm to them. Plus, Sirius wasn’t one to let someone control him. Maybe he’d be better off if he did. If anything, Sirius controlled Remus. He controlled what and where he ate, what he listened to, how much sugar in his tea he had, and if he was completely honest, Sirius had full access to his finances. Not that he would take advantage of that. He mostly just paid Remus’ water bill. Plus he started going grocery shopping too because Remus kept close to no food in his flat.
About two weeks later at one of their lunches, Remus asked if Sirius had figured it out. Sirius asked, “figured what out?”
“Whether or not you're gay?”
“Oh,” Sirius smiled, “I am- I think. I like men but I can’t cross out whether or not I like women yet. However, I think at this point it's a bit moot.”
“Why’s that?” Remus asked.
“Because right now I just like you.”
“Sirius,” Remus smiled and shook his head like he always did when Sirius said something like that.
“I have a crush on you and you can’t control how I feel,” Sirius responded then stuck his tongue out at him.
“You are beautiful and young, I have no idea what you’re doing having a crush on me.” Remus smiled with soft eyes.
Sirius shrugged, “You have that hot professor thing going on. You have amazing taste in music. That alone is enough to get me to fall slightly in love with you. You’re very sweet and are very bad at telling me what to do which I respect in a man. Plus I like your hair.”
“My hair?” He said and reached to touch it.
“It looks soft,” Sirius said.
“I’m going to give you a little bit more time, to make sure you’re sure,” Remus responded. “But if I agree to follow through on your little crush, it’s not going to be a fling. I’m too old for that and you’re too perfect. So I want you to make sure this is what you want. I won’t be offended if it’s not, but if it is, it’s going to be the real thing. I’m not saying it has to be forever, but it has to be significant. Also, you’ll need to get a different job. I won’t be our boss and your partner.”
Sirius felt like his soul was on fire. He felt like jumping around and yelling. He wanted that. He wanted to be Remus’ ‘real thing’. He didn’t need more time, but it seemed like Remus did, so he would give him the time. But Sirius would commit to that right then.
“Sounds fair,” Sirius smiled and moved his foot to graze Remus’.
“Stop that,” Remus responded but didn’t move his own foot. He stared at Sirius’ eyes for a few seconds then his face broke out into a wide smile, “dear god, you’ll be the death of me.”
“That’s the goal,” Sirius grinned.
A few days later when they were sitting in Remus’ apartment, Sirius grew bored. He never did have much patience. He actually finished Remus’ book, still wasn’t sure what made the main character gay but he wasn’t a literary genius. He knew that Remus was gay because of the way his eyes sparkled when he looked at Sirius. He knew that Sirius was into men because of his giant flaming pile of queer thoughts about Remus and the fact that anytime he crossed his mind, his heart rate just about doubled.
Out of nowhere, Sirius found himself asking, “Has it been enough time?”
Remus dropped what he was doing and walked towards Sirius, “Are you sure about this?” He was standing so close that Sirius could see every color in his eye. Sirius was so beyond sure about this.
“Yep,” Sirius responded.
“Oh thank fuck,” Remus said then shoved his hand into Sirius’ hand and pulled him into a kiss. It was the real thing.