01. Inevitable
My heart was fluttering away as I braced myself to walk into my bedroom where I knew Edward would be waiting. Every night at eight o'clock, he snuck in through my window and waited patiently for me to shower and join him. It was like clockwork. But tonight will be different.
I inhaled a shaky breath as I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror. The red silk gown was exceedingly short, ending at my upper thigh. The black lace neckline was plunging, exposing the round curvature of my breasts. I had never worn lingerie before, so I was struggling with feeling self-conscious as I stared at my reflection. Still, I felt that I had made a good decision with this purchase. It was sexy but not too skimpy. With this being my first time, I think the sultry gown will suffice.
Butterflies were fluttering violently in my stomach. Despite my nerves, I was ready. My heart belonged to Edward. My soul belonged to Edward. Now, I was ready for my body to belong to him as well. My love for him grew with each passing day. With love comes desire. Just as my love grows, so too, does my desire for him. At times, I would swear that the lust I felt for him was going to swallow me whole.
So, yes, I was ready. My heart was ready, and my body certainly was if my raging hormones had anything to say about it.
Edward and I hadn't discussed taking our relationship to the next level, but I didn't feel that we needed to. We both knew that we were going to be with each other for.. forever. Well... For as long as 'forever' will allow. Knowing that, I didn't see the point in discussing 'going further'. I imagined us simply losing ourselves in the moment and exploring each other's bodies— One touch leading to another. A blush crept to my cheeks at the thought of Edward touching me in places I had never felt a lover's touch before; and I him. My heart threatened to fly away.
Before I could get myself too worked up before I even greeted him, I shrugged on my bathrobe and inhaled deeply, giving myself a mental peptalk.
You can do this. He loves you. You love him. It will be as easy as breathing. I convinced myself of that as I stepped out of the bathroom and slowly padded to my room, hovering outside the door for a brief moment before opening it, avoiding eye contact as I closed the door behind me and met his loving gaze.
He was sitting on the edge of my bed with a glorious smile that had my knees threatening to buckle. Poor guy had no idea what I was hiding beneath my robe— Certainly not my cartoon pajamas that he's come to know and tease me relentlessly about.
"Hello, my love," he greeted me, his musical voice lingering in the air as he stood up and approached me. "You look positively radiant, per usual."
When he wrapped his arms around me, my heart skipped a beat. Another blush rushed to my cheeks, causing me to turn my head, hoping he wouldn't notice. He placed a soft, gentle kiss on my forehead before studying my face intently, dropping his hands to his sides.
"Did you have a good hunt?" I forced myself to speak, taking a step back to look up at his perfect face.
He was silent for a moment, still studying me. A long five seconds passed before he smiled and said, "Yes. But I missed you terribly."
When he wrapped his arms around me, I melted against him, enjoying the feel of his solid body against mine. My heart picked up speed at the thought of exploring his hard planes and contours, getting to know every square inch of him. As if he could read my mind, he pulled away, his hands gripping my elbows as he looked down at me with furrowed brows. I could see the worry in his eyes.
"Is something on your mind? You seem.. tense," he mused, tilting his head to the side.
I blinked rapidly, my heart stuttering in my chest. Am I that obvious? "No. I-I'm fine."
He gave me a disbelieving look, frowning as he said, "Elliana.. I can tell something is bothering you. Please tell me."
A sheepish smile flitted to my lips, my cheeks reddening further. "Edward.. I.. I've never been better," I whispered as I laid my hand on his chest, the coolness of his skin seeping through his shirt and lighting me on fire from the inside out.
His perfectly shaped lips tugged up at the corners, offering me a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. To prove my point, I wrapped my hand around his neck and stood on my tiptoes, pressing my lips to his in a passionate kiss. Slowly, hesitantly, his lips moved against mine, sending an electrical current throughout my body and settling in my core. The magic flowing within my veins was on high alert, adding to the intense moment. Every time we kissed, it felt like my own magic was threatening to consume me, as though it was building within me and waiting to be unleashed.
Before I could deepen the kiss, he pulled away, placing his hands on my hips in a refrained manner. I longed to feel his touch beneath the thick fabric of my robe.
I dropped my gaze to the floor, my heart gyrating as I whispered, "...Sit down."
His brows knitted together in confusion. "What?"
Timidly, I met his curious gaze. "Sit on the bed," I spoke in a voice barely above a whisper, trying to sound somewhat confident as I added, "..Please."
A mocking grin spread across his face.
"..Why?" He asked slowly, sounding far too amused for my liking.
My heart picked up speed as I pulled my lower lip between my teeth, watching as his golden eyes darkened dramatically. I always wondered why they changed colors like that.. It was the most erotic, bewitching sight.
"Because I asked nicely," I told him, gesturing towards the bed.
He chuckled lowly, the sound reverberating through me, adding to my flustered state. Finally, he resumed his previous sitting position on the edge of the bed. He placed his palms on the comforter and leaned back slightly, spreading his legs in an inviting manner as he gazed up at me with pure curiosity.
"I'm sitting." He hummed in amusement. "Now what?"
My heart was soaring at this point, my face every bit as red as my gown, no doubt, as my fingers fiddled with the cotton belt of my robe.
"Listen to your heart fly! Is everything alright? Is there something you're wanting to—"
He cut himself off mid-sentence, his breath hitching in his throat as I dropped the robe to the floor, leaving me standing there in all my glory in my skimpy silk gown. His jaw hit the floor the very second my robe did. His eyes darkened to the shade of midnight as they roamed over my figure, creating a fiery path in their wake before connecting with mine.
My heart was pounding violently against my ribcage, like a trapped bird trying to break free as I closed the distance between us, towering over him before I stood between his legs and wrapped my arms around his neck. His entire body stiffened beneath my touch as I softly caressed the nape of his neck with my fingertips, maintaining eye contact with his midnight orbs.
I was already aroused, but when I lightly brushed my lips against his, desire engulfed me. I was left breathless as I molded my lips against his. The electrical current traveling from his lips to mine grew in intensity as I tangled my hands in his hair and tugged at his roots, signaling how desperately I needed him. He groaned in response; it was the most erotic, thigh clenching sound I had ever heard, and I would do anything to hear it again. Repeatedly. I couldn't stop the moan that bubbled up my throat upon hearing it, my heat pulsing with desire for him.
His hands found their way to my hips, gripping the silk fabric of my gown as though at any second, he was going to rip it from my body. My breaths were coming in ragged gasps as I traced his lips with my tongue, begging for entrance. The taste of him was driving me wild. His hands gripping my hips were driving me wild. He was driving me wild. The magic in my veins surged through me, practically forcing me to mold my body against his.
I pressed myself against him, crushing my breasts against his solid chest. A delicious shiver traveled down my spine at the friction, causing my nipples to harden and peak, straining against the silk material. He exhaled sharply, his breaths coming in ragged gasps. Same as mine.
His grip on my hips tightened, but to my dismay, he broke the kiss, pulling away with a look of regret. There was no denying the raw hunger in the depths of his black eyes. The sight caused my lower stomach to tighten with need. His jaw was clenched as he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against mine.
We shared breaths as we sat there in tense silence for a moment. My heart was still thumping loudly. Every nerve in my body was on high alert. I was distinctly aware of the feel of his fingers digging into my hips and wanted nothing more than to feel his touch down lower.
Finally, after a minute that felt like eternity, his eyes fluttered open, instantly meeting mine. Then, in a speed nearly invisible to my human eyes, he gingerly maneuvered me so I was sitting next to him on the bed, putting a good two feet of space between us. Disappointment flooded through me, followed by shame.
"...What's wrong?" I asked, suddenly feeling extremely self-conscious in my lingerie. Did he not like it? "..Did I do something wrong?"
"No," he was quick to say, though he avoided my gaze entirely, choosing to keep his eyes on the floor.
His entire body was rigid, resembling a statue. I knew what that meant— He was stressed. He visibly gulped, and I watched as his Adam's apple bobbed up and down. I reached towards him, placing my hand on his tense shoulder before scooting closer to him. I had a feeling I knew what the problem was— He was nervous.
I tucked my legs beneath me, sitting on my knees and leaning over him as I placed my hand on his cheek and urged him to look at me. The feel of his cool skin beneath my palm was setting me on fire, but I knew I needed to collect myself. Clearly, this wasn't going to be a quick 'lose yourself in passion' moment. If he wanted to take this one small, tender touch at a time, then fine by me. Slow burns always burn the brightest, after all. As long as tonight ended with us making love to each other, I didn't mind working him up to it for hours. Natalie always told me that the buildup was the best part anyway.
"It's okay," I whispered, staring tenderly into his midnight eyes. "You don't have to be nervous."
I lightly caressed his jaw before taking his hand in mine and placing it over my heart, directly above my left breast. The feel of his icy touch on my warm, sensitive flesh caused my breath to hitch. Immediately, an uncomfortable ache started between my legs. His eyes were dark with desire yet full of sorrow as they bore into mine. I splayed his fingers over my heart that was beating like a hummingbird's before placing my hand over his, holding it there.
"...My heart is yours," I breathed out, smiling softly. "...I'm yours."
He gulped, his jaw ticking before gently tearing his hand from mine. "Elliana, I—" He pressed his lips into a thin line, staring blankly straight ahead before his eyes met mine, staring at me with a look of pure tenderness mixed with sorrow. "I can't... make love to you."
My heart dropped to my stomach. I tried not to let my disappointment show on my face, but I doubt I was successful. Inhaling a shaky breath, I nodded in understanding.
"That's okay," I assured him, smiling softly. Just because I was ready to take that step with him, didn't mean that he was necessarily ready. And that's okay. "I understand. Take all the time you need, my love. There's no rush."
His features pulled down in a deep frown as he slowly shook his head, holding my eyes captive with his midnight orbs that were filled with undeniable sadness. He took my hand in his and placed a gentle kiss upon it, the feel of his cold lips against my skin causing my breath to hitch.
"..You don't understand," he spoke in the softest voice, rubbing soothing circles on top of my hand with his thumb and offering me a forlorn smile. "I could never... be with you in that way, Elliana." His voice sounded strained, heartbreak evident in the depths of his pupils.
When I processed his words, my mouth fell open. My heart skipped a beat, a knot forming in my stomach.
"Why.. Why not?" I asked quietly, trying to keep myself from getting choked up. "You don't.. want me?"
The thought had never occurred to me. I only assumed the attraction I felt for him was wholly reciprocated. We were.. fated, after all. Did love and desire not go hand-in-hand for his kind?
His eyes grew in what seemed to be horror before he reached out to cradle the side of my face. "Oh, I do, Elliana. I do. Of course, I want you, my sweet girl." His velvet voice washed over me, only adding to my frantic state as he lightly caressed my cheek.
When his eyes drifted to my chest, my heart stuttered. I felt my nipples harden in attention under his heated gaze. His hand left my face, lightly trailing along my jaw and towards my collarbone, leaving a fiery trail in his icy wake. My heart picked up its tempo, relishing in the feel of his electric touch.
He ripped his eyes from my breasts, exhaling sharply as he stared down at me with a look of longing.
"..If I were to be intimate with you in that way.." His lips pulled down in a frown, his brows forming a 'v' before continuing, "One wrong move... Something as simple as caressing your face.." He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand as if to prove a point as he said, "..It could wind up with you dead by my hand. In the throes of passion, I could kill you."
I pulled away from his touch, my mouth opening and closing repeatedly as I processed the information. "But.. You can't know that for sure. You don't know what would happen, Edward. There's no way of knowing. Everything could be.. perfect. You don't—"
He cut me off mid-sentence, his face stern as he spoke lowly, "There's no way of knowing. That's exactly right. And I'm not willing to take that chance with you."
My heart was thumping loudly against my ribcage, a wave of anger and frustration washing over me. "That's not fair."
His eyes widened, his jaw going slack. "You'd choose to gamble with your life?"
I pulled my lower lip between my teeth, staring up at him with pleading eyes as I whispered, "I trust you."
Truly, I did. Throwing caution to the wind, I crawled towards him and wrapped my arms around his neck. He tensed, his dark eyes flickering towards mine with a look of reluctance.
I leaned my face towards his, our breaths mingling as I whispered, "...Please."
The lust dancing in his midnight eyes caused my heartrate to quicken. Ambivalence decorated his features. He looked.. torn.
I tightened my grip around his neck as I crawled onto his lap, straddling his waist. The intimate position had me seeing stars. My entire body felt like it was on fire. The urge to move against him was overwhelming, but I didn't want to push my luck.
"Elliana.." He spoke in a low, husky voice— A warning.
"What? I can't sit in your lap?" I challenged, tilting my head to the side, causing my hair to fall across my shoulder in unruly waves.
I ran my fingers through his hair, watching as his eyes fluttered shut and his lips parted, a soft sigh escaping him. My heart was gyrating, giving away the effect he so easily had on me. Taking advantage of the angle, I pressed my front against his, a surprised gasp flying through my lips when I felt his hardened desire beneath me. A low, rumbling sound came from deep within his chest, causing desire to pierce through my core.
I wasted no time in trailing my lips along his neck, reveling in the addicting taste of his marble skin. The second my tongue pressed against his throat, he growled loudly, his hands flying to my hips before, in the blink of an eye, he had me pinned to the bed. He was hovering over me with dark, ravenous eyes, looking like he was ready to devour me at any given second. With one hand, he grabbed me by my wrists and pinned both of my arms above my head. Involuntarily, my legs spread, welcoming him.
I could tell it was taking tremendous effort on his part to keep his eyes glued to my face. Using his free hand, he tossed the blanket over me, covering my body entirely. Only then, did he release his hold on my wrists and lay down on his side, facing me. I jutted my lower lip in a pout, thoroughly disappointed by the turn of events.
He forced a smile my way, lightly bopping the end of my nose with his index finger. "Don't pout, darling. You're simply far too precious to me. It's not worth risking your life."
My heart felt like lead all of a sudden. "So.. We're never going to.. try? You're never going to make love to me?"
His face pulled down in anguish, staring at me with a burning intensity. I clutched at the blanket around me, rolling onto my side and looking up at him.
Finally, he spoke, his voice full of regret, "...I'm sorry, Elliana. But I can't."
A part of me wanted to stomp my foot like a toddler, but I knew that would do me no good. I was.. in a bit of shock. Tonight was definitely not turning out how I planned. Suddenly, panic gripped me, wrapping around my heart like a vice. He was flat out refusing to have sex with me. Ever.
"So, you're saying that I'm going to die a virgin?" I somehow managed to force the words out.
His mouth hit the floor. "Um.."
I quirked a brow. "You refuse to have sex with me. You won't change me. We're fated, so you know as well I do that we're stuck with each other. So, I'm going to die a virgin. Plain and simple."
He face pulled down in a pout. "You feel stuck with me?"
Of course, that's what he took from that. I stifled an eyeroll as I said, "You know what I mean, Edward. I'm so in love with you. Even if there wasn't a crazy, magical bond between us, you'd be stuck with me. I want to be stuck with you."
His features softened, but the frown remained. "I know this isn't fair to you, Elliana. If I could be human for you, I would."
I released a heavy sigh. "So, that's a 'yes' then."
Guilt was evident in his eyes. Still, I wasn't ready to give up completely just yet. My body yearned for him. He made it clear that sex was off the table, but there were other things we could do..
I placed my hand on his chest and looked up at him from beneath my lashes. "We don't.. We don't have to have sex," I whispered, pulling my lower lip between my teeth. "But.. There are other things we can do."
His eyes darkened to the color of midnight as he clenched his jaw.
Before he had a chance to say anything, I gripped his shirt, squeezing my thighs together desperately in a feeble attempt to relieve the pressure.
"Touch me.." I pleaded. "Please."
His lips parted, his eyes darkening dangerously. "Elliana..."
"Please," I repeated, sounding every bit as desperate as I felt as my grip tightened on his shirt. "..I want you, Edward," I whispered breathlessly.
He clenched his jaw, his features contorting in anguish. "...I can't."
So, that was it then. He was refusing me. Period. The thought of never feeling my lover's touch caused pure sorrow to sweep through me. Tears sprung to my eyes, my lower lip trembling despite my best effort. A look of horror fell over his face when the first tear slid down my cheek.
"Don't cry!" He sounded utterly panicked. "Please don't cry..."
But the tears spilled from my eyes on their own fruition. With blinding speed, he wrapped me up in his arms, his arms encircling my waist as he lightly kissed my face, his lips lapping up my tears until they ceased entirely.
"I'm so sorry, my love," he whispered, burying his face in my hair and inhaling deeply. "If I could make love to you, I would. I want to. Please don't think otherwise."
I inhaled a shaky breath, struggling to keep my emotions in check. He says he wants to, but does he really? I wanted to believe him, but I could feel my insecurities clawing their way to the surface.
"You must understand. I beg of you," he spoke in a whisper, kissing the top of my head. "It isn't just your body I crave, Elliana. The lust I feel for you in general ignites the natural blood lust as well. Something as simple as kissing you is difficult at times due to the fact."
"..What?" My voice was hoarse from crying. I lifted my head from his chest and looked at him in confusion. "It's difficult?"
It's difficult for him to kiss me? Still? I assumed he would have built up a tolerance to the scent of my blood by now.
He nodded, pressing his lips into a thin line.
"My sweet girl. We should have had this talk sooner. I'm sorry." He placed a chaste kiss on my temple before staring into my eyes. "...As much as I love being close to you and kissing you, it isn't without difficulty. Especially when I haven't fed in a while. The thirst... is unbearable at times."
My lips parted as his words washed over me. "Unbearable how?"
He released a deep sigh, running his hand through my hair. "At times, it feels like my throat and lungs are on fire. Like someone is taking a hot iron and shoving it down my throat. The burn is always there no matter what, but there are times when it's much worse than others."
My eyes widened in horror. I was overcome with guilt at the knowledge that I cause him pain. Once again, I was helpless when the tears sprung to my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. His face twisted into a look of pain as he gingerly wiped at my tears.
He shushed me as though he was comforting a child. "Please don't cry, sweetheart."
My lower lip trembled as I whispered, "Why didn't you tell me?"
The thought of him being in pain on my account was unbearable. It caused my entire body to recoil on itself. I wished more than anything in that moment that I was like him— Immortal. A vampire. Knowing that my literal soulmate had to suffer anytime he so much as kissed me was absolutely heartbreaking. And here I was throwing myself at him— Practically begging for him to give in to my selfish desires. No more. Never again.
His ember eyes glazed over, glistening with sorrow. "I didn't see a need to." His eyes slowly trailed from my face, down my neck, and to my chest where they lingered, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he gulped before whispering gruffly, "...Until now."
My heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest as I tore myself from him and jumped out of bed. I started pacing back and forth, running a hand through my hair in frustration. I could feel his eyes watching every move I made, leaving a fiery trail on my skin in the wake of his gaze. My heart was thumping loudly in my ears as I came to terms with everything he just told me.
"Elliana..." His deep voice pierced through my thoughts, causing me to pause mid-step as I met his heated gaze. His eyes were onyx orbs, peering into mine with a burning intensity. "If you feel the need to continue wearing a path in the floor, could you please put your robe back on?"
His jaw ticked as he spoke, his hands curling into fists. My face immediately heated up in embarrassment when I remembered my current state of dress. Or.. undress.
I folded my arms across my chest in a self-conscious manner and mumbled an apology as I darted for my robe, wasting no time in donning the garment. When I was decent, I felt myself relax somewhat, relieved that my body was no longer exposed to the all-too-perfect vampire that I could never truly have.
He sat on the edge of my bed, looking every bit like a granite statue as I plopped down in the chair at my desk and spun around to face him.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, anxiously fiddling with the fuzzy belt of my robe. "If I had known what it was like for you... I never would have..." I trailed off, struggling to find the right words. "I wish you would have told me sooner, Edward."
He clenched his jaw, staring blankly straight ahead. "I didn't want you to look at me like that. That's why I didn't tell you."
"Look at you like what?"
"Like that." He frowned. "I knew you would somehow find a way to blame yourself. Please don't do that."
I scoffed in annoyance, folding my arms over my chest as I slightly leaned back in the chair. "It hurts you just to be near me. I hate that." I stared into his eyes intensely as I whispered, "I hate that I hurt you."
He closed his eyes, releasing a heavy sigh before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Elliana, I'm a... a vampire. That's the problem. If things were different... If I was different... There wouldn't be an issue."
"The problem is that we're different." I rephrased his comment, earning a quirked brow from him. "The problem is that you're not like me, right?"
"...Yes." He sounded uneasy, his eyes fluttering open to meet mine.
"You're not like me," I whispered, holding his gaze. "And I'm not like you..."
Now, he knew what I was getting at. His eyes grew to the size of saucers. "Elliana, no. You know that's not an option—"
I cut him off mid-sentence, growing angry. "What other option is there, Edward?! You said it yourself— We're different. How do you think I feel knowing that you're in pain this very second just by being in the same room as me?! How would you feel if the roles were reversed?!"
His jaw ticked, black fire flickering in his eyes before he bolted out of the bed, towering over me. "I'm not damning you to this! I refuse to sacrifice your soul for my own selfish gain."
"My soul?!" I exclaimed. "Edward, our souls are one. Period. Your argument is invalid."
He shook his head vigorously. "No. I'm not making you a monster." A low growl came from deep within his chest. "No."
I folded my arms across my chest and shook my head as I stood up, craning my neck to look at him. "Shouldn't I have a say in it?"
A scowl crawled across his face. "It's not going to happen, Elliana. End of discussion."
Now, the tears that fell weren't due to dejection— I was angry. "It isn't your place to make that decision for me."
He groaned in frustration, running a hand through his hair and causing it to stand up on end. The sight would have been comical under different circumstances.
"No one is aware of any instances where a wizard has successfully transitioned, Elliana. The magic flowing through your veins could counteract the venom. Even if the thought of risking your salvation wasn't enough to deter me from considering it, knowing that there are no documented cases would certainly do the trick. For all we know, trying to turn you could kill you."
"It's a special circumstance. I know that. Most witches don't wind up being fated to vampires, do they? The universe... brought us together for a reason. Can't you have a little faith in that?" My words were heavy, weighed down with emotion as I stared up at him. "...In us?"
His jaw ticked as his ember orbs peered into mine with a burning intensity. When he delicately placed his hand on my cheek, I leaned into his icy touch.
"You're... everything," he whispered softly. "I have waited for you for over a century. All the heartache I endured has been worth it. You have made every second of my suffering worth it." He caressed my jaw, the faintest of smiles flitting to his lips as his heartfelt words washed over me. "Now that I have you, I cannot lose you. The thought of being in a world without you in it... It's not only unbearable; it's unfathomable."
I blinked rapidly, my heart fluttering away. The raw emotion in his eyes combined with his velvet voice had me weak in the knees.
"..That's my point," I finally spoke around the sudden lump that had formed in my throat. "Neither one of us can bear the thought of not being together, but Edward— It's inevitable. I'm going to grow old. I'm going to wither away and die, and you're just going to watch. Twenty years from now, you won't want me. You won't—"
He cut me off-midsentence, his eyes flashing with a mixture of anger and passion. "I will always want you. No matter what, you'll always be my Elliana. And this I can promise you— I will love you until your last dying breath." He placed both of his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look up at him. My vision was blurred due to the tears in my eyes as he continued, "...And when your spirit leaves this world. When I feel your soul untangle from mine... I will find a way to follow you into the cosmos. Whatever lies on the other side, Elliana, I will find you. I will always find you."
||AUTHOR'S NOTE||
Welcome to In This Life!!!! I'm so glad you're here!! 🥰 There is SO much to unpack over the next few chapters. I'm super excited! My, my, what an adventure we are going to embark on... ☺️