The second you opened your eyes that morning, you wanted nothing more than to shut them back and let the world disappear, if only just for one day. Sink back into Remus’ chest and never get up, never having to deal with classes, homework or any preparations for the upcoming N.E.W.T.s exams.
You just want your mind to shut up and let you be. Merlin knows you need a break.
You snuggle back into the covers just to discover that Remus wasn’t there anymore. That didn’t help with your already high level of anxiety too much. You’d been quite on edge the last couple of days and today seems like everything is at its peak.
He didn’t wait for you to wake up so you could have your usual morning snuggles before class. Why didn’t he? Maybe he was late for class? After all, you start a tad later today than he does.
You look over to the clock on the wall. 7 AM. So he wasn’t running late then.. .is he maybe upset with you? You didn’t do anything wrong as far as you could recall…except…
You bury your face in your pillow and groan. You’ve been a tad clingy lately, maybe that could be..? Maybe he felt suffocated and needed a break from you? What if he realized that you weren’t worth the time and just…left? Did you really screw this up?
No.
Stop.
He’d talk to you about this, he’d tell you straight to your face…right? He would, of course he would.
Or…would he?
What if he wouldn’t? I-if…if he wouldn’t…maybe he’s had enough of you? Maybe your constant need for reassurance lately got on his nerves? Maybe…
Tears welled up in your eyes and you let out a broken sob.
“Stop…please”
By now, you couldn’t control the tears anymore, so you let them fall and soak your pillow, hugging the blankets tightly to your chest. You’ve been like a ticking time bomb lately, every little thing making you tear up and want to explode in a storm of tears, and it seems that something has finally lit the fuse.
And Merlin, did it feel good to let it all out.
*
Half an hour later you are shuffling your feet towards the Great Hall, eyes swollen from crying and no appetite whatsoever, your anxiety took care of that, but you want to find Remus. His presence, his touch, him, they always manage to quiet down your racing mind.
And there he is, laughing loudly at one of Sirius’ jokes. The sight made you smile. He is so handsome when he smiles, but when he laughs it’s like the whole room lights up.
You slowly make your way to the Gryffindor table, keeping your eyes on the ground, and sit down next to your boyfriend who simply places an arm around your shoulders.
“Good morning, princess” he says cheery and kisses your forehead
You smile small, but it dies almost immediately.
Well, it was technically a kiss, but…
You close your eyes and bite down on your lip.
‘Stop overthinking everything! This is why he’s acting like this towards you in the first place. You’re pushing him away like this!’
The pressure in your chest grows by the second and you feel the tears stinging your eyes again.
No, you won’t cry again. Not here and not now.
Instead you take a deep breath, put on a smile and look up towards the others. You could put on a happy face for now and when you’re alone again, let yourself cry. But your mind is getting louder and louder and you raise your hand gently, with the intention of lacing your fingers with Remus’…
But you place it back down in your lap. Better not, leave him some space, it may help get him back to you sooner. If you show him you’re done being clingy, then maybe he won’t be annoyed with you anymore.
Yes, that sounds like a good strategy. The only downfall is how antsy you are. You can’t seem to know what to do with yourself so you occupy your hands by picking at your nails. You just can’t stand still.
Something that Remus did, in fact, notice. And how could he not? He could tell that you haven’t been feeling your best lately so he woke up earlier today and slipped out of bed before you woke to prepare a little surprise for you, in hopes it would help you win your inner battle.
He’s been watching your self care routines lately, so he knew what to bring and what to leave out and gathered everything in the Prefects’ Bathroom, the perfect place to relax.
Yet now, his worry for you only grows and he wonders if his little self care session will be enough. He noticed how you didn’t eat a single bite of food since arriving, or how you didn’t speak a word, how you tentatively reached for his hand, only to draw it back and how your eyes betray the fact that you’ve been crying.
And he decided that he can’t just sit and watch you, he wants to help you, be there for you through all this and do his best to get you out of this state of mind.
He kept the arm he previously draped around you in place while his other hand found yours in your lap and he gently took one in his, lacing your fingers together.
You blush and look up surprised, you didn’t expect this, but a small smile is now tugging at the corners of your lips.
Maybe you aren’t annoying him after all?
He returns your smile with a sweet one, and hope blossoms in your chest.
Yet your mind won’t allow you that sweet relief, so your worries don’t really go away. After all, you didn’t get to talk to him yet, not even a single word.
Lost in thoughts, you nearly jump out of your skin when you hear his gentle whisper near your ear.
“My love, you haven’t eaten anything yet and you need your strength. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day” he says soft and his thumb traces small circles on the back of your hand.
“I’m not hungry” you say low, offering a small smile at his gesture.
He frowns, which makes the knot in your stomach grow tighter and the smile vanish off your face.
Did you sound picky? You didn’t mean to. Maybe your tone was the issue…oh, Merlin, you’ve done it again, you’re pushing him away.
Furthermore, your heart sinks when his hand leaves yours and the arm around your shoulders disappears and you can’t hold it in any longer. You get up and hurry out of the Hall, rushing towards your common room.
Remus is hot on your heels though, seriously worried, and catches up with you in seconds. His fingers close around your wrist and he turns you to him gently, hugging your now crying form tightly to his chest.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” you say quick and hold him tight in return, your voice slightly muffled by his shirt “m’sorry, I didn’t mean to sound picky or mean, I’m sorry, my love” you cry harder, voice breaking, and hold onto him for dear life.
Remus is stunned for a second too long, before he comes to his senses and shakes his head, rubbing your back soothing.
“My sweet, sweet girl, what happened? Why are you apologizing?” he coos
“I…I said I wasn’t hungry and…and I sounded picky and annoying again and I’m so so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you” you say between sobs, burying yourself more into his arms.
He rubs your back and kisses the top of your head multiple times, slowly calming down your crying until all that is left is a soft hiccup. His fingers tangle in your hair and he plays with it gently while he lets his words engulf you in a protective shield.
“My sweet baby, I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? Take a deep breath in for me, yes, baby, just like that. I assure you, sweetness, you could never be annoying or picky, never. You are my sweetest love, always, all day every day, and the farthest possible from any bad name your mind comes up with” he gently cups your cheeks and lifts your face so he can meet your eyes and smiles soft “there are those beautiful eyes I fall in love with every day.”
His last comment got a little smile out of you and he grins at the small victory.
“My love, do you want to tell me what happened? What triggered this?”
You gulp and nod a few seconds later.
“I uh…my anxiety hasn’t been the best lately. It’s been acting up for some days now and it makes me overthink everything I say, or do, and everything that happens around me. I have countless questions in my mind right now, each one worse than the other and they won’t stop. My thoughts keep getting louder and louder and it’s overwhelming and I-I don’t know how to stop it” you finish in a whisper.
Remus listened to your every word carefully and his heart broke to hear that you’ve been struggling with this all on your own. But now is not the time for more questions. What you need now is help quieting down your mind. What you need now is to know that he is there for you, always, no matter what. Because he is, and he is not planning on ever leaving.
He smiles soft now, and takes both your hands in his, bringing them up to his lips and placing sweet kisses on each knuckle.
“My love, how about we take this day off and do some self care and anything we can to get you out of this mind set?”
You look at him surprised “b-but we have classes, and exams coming up…”
He shakes his head, a determined look on his handsome face.
“Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more important than you, my love” he says soft and brings you in a sweet kiss.