Blackmail
The next day, Sunday, Sirius had a plan. He was going to figure out whatever caused the upstanding officer Lupin to land in this precarious position. He had still been sleeping on the couch per Remus’ request, the man always woke up before him to prepare food and medicine for Sirius. After less than a week Lupin had already figured out that Sirius had chronic migraines and was plagued with nightmares. He had bought a weighted blanket and full strength Advil for Sirius. Every morning without fail Remus woke him up with the smell of a bagel, only ever spread with butter after expressing his hatred for cream cheese. This morning however Sirius had set an alarm on his House of Black appointed burner phone, it was set to vibrate so it wouldn’t wake Remus up. At 5:30am Sirius awoke, the blonde still sleeping peacefully in the armchair next to him, success. He quietly gathered himself and sat up on the couch, blankets still strewn around him like a nest. He snuck into the kitchen to brew some tea for this impromptu meeting he was setting up. They had lemon, his favorite, as he watched it steep he grew curious about how well Remus was able to read him. He had never mentioned his favorite tea before and seldom thought his mother would’ve noticed something so trivial. Lupin had though, however he figured it out Sirius didn’t know, but Remus must be more observant than the heir had given him credit for. Once the tea had finished Sirius took himself back to the couch just before 6am struck. He sat down precariously on the couch, making sure to mind the squeaky spots. Sirius watched the peaceful face of the blonde across from him, committing every scar and feature to memory, not that he really needed to given his photographic remembrance. His eyes were particularly drawn to the pale scar that traveled from his jaw to his brow. The thought alone must’ve woken Remus as he stirred under Sirius’ calculating gaze. Dark brown eyes stared back at him, questions floating just beneath the surface. Their eye contact didn’t break, not even as Remus asked the first of a hundred questions in his mind.
”What are you doing awake?”, Sirius drank in the words like wine as he noticed another scar on the left corner of his lip. A smile danced across his porcelain skin, taking in every inch of the man he was about to break. Blacks always got their way.
Sirius took a sip of his tea before responding, “We need to talk.” The words alone could have made a grown man shiver, Sirius had practiced his family’s cold and calculated tone for years. The blonde, to his credit, didn’t skip a beat. Remus sat up straighter and tried to tame his mess of hair. Sirius opted to lean back, as if this was second nature, as if Lupin should be intimidated.
The latter sighed and leaned closer, “What do you want to know?”
That’s when Sirius realized. Remus had been expecting this all along.
Cold dread had settled in his stomach as the words from the heir, he had been expecting it of course, Sirius’ curious nature couldn’t be held off for long. Still the seeping fear in his bones stayed and made home there. It had been so long since he had talked about this with anyone, and the last time was with Walburga. The incident itself had happened over a year prior, it was only a few months after Sirius left that it began to haunt him. He remembers all too well the first time he met Evan, similar to Sirius’ experience there had been some kidnapping involved. He remembers the eerie cold silence of Grimmauld Place, the horrid feeling of the portraits watching him. He remembers being led to the study by Barty, unsure what lay ahead. He remembers Walburga who sat with stone cold rage plastered across sharp pale features. It had reminded him of a marble statue, meticulously carved to perfection. Her words had cut him as deep as a knife, her voice peculiarly similar to the blade. He had left the manor with threats hanging over his head and a need for a time machine. He left there wishing this day would never come, that he would never need to fulfill her cruel test of loyalty. Partially because he was anything but loyal to the House of Black.
So as he sat there, contemplating his thoughts, and actions, Remus spoke, “It is a long story and I may not be able to articulate it properly just yet.”, he took a long breath, calming the stirring nerves, “I haven’t spoken about it in years, certainly not this early, and I do not wish to misspeak or wrongly portray what happened. Not to you, who deserves the truth more than anyone.” Sirius stared at him even harder than he had before. Remus had the strange feeling that the heir was seeking his soul, attempting to pry it from him.
Finally Sirius ceded, “Have something to eat, gather your thoughts, but we are by no means done here.” Remus nodded, stood, and walked to the kitchen. Nothing seemed appetizing knowing the horrors he was about to relive.
He settled on making two bagels, one for Sirius and one for himself. Sirius’ was an everything bagel spread with butter, his was a plain bagel spread with mixed berry cream cheese. Remus made his way back over to the couch, a paper plate in each hand. He handed off the buttered bagel to Sirius and sat back in his armchair. They ate in utter silence, it was unnerving. Remus had sat through countless interrogations, been evaluated hundreds of times by internal affairs, nothing compared to Sirius’ gaze. He looked upon Remus as if he meant to study every expression and thought that crossed him. He was calculating some imaginary equation that held the blonde at the center, a variable he was trying to place. Once they were done eating Remus disposed of the plates and tried to organize his thoughts. They had to talk, he knew that they had to, but god would it be hard. He was so lost in his own head that he didn’t hear Sirius come up behind him.
”Blondie, you can’t avoid this.”, Sirius was too close, his arm nearly brushing Remus’. He knew he couldn’t avoid it, oh but how he wanted to try.
“I know.”, he did, he knew. It was time to tell the heir everything. No details spared.
Remus took one last deep breath, sighing heavily, “It all started in college, there was this boy.”, another breath, “His name was Grant, and he was both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me.” Remus circled the kitchen island and sat on one of the stools placed opposite to Sirius, who leaned against the cold marble across from him.
“He was my first love and, foolishly, I thought I was his. We met in freshman year, had a bunch of classes together and got along really well. Eventually we started to study together and, well, we got close.”, Remus let a shy smile slip through his sad face, recounting the very little good times they had together, “In sophmore year he asked me out and I said yes. So we began dating and for the first month or so it went well, not that I had anything to compare it to. Then I met Lily, another good friend, and he got”, Remus sighed, “jealous. Not that he had anything to be jealous about. I never thought about her like that but Grant was convinced. I tried to talk him down, but he got angry, told me to keep my distance, and I did. This was my first relationship and I didn’t want to fuck it up. So I grew cold with Lily, associating her with Grant’s anger. But it wasn’t just Lily, with every person I talked to he became more possessive, more controlling. But, he was never violent, not until I made the stupid decision to go to a late night house party. When I got back to my dorm he was waiting for me, he had picked the lock and broken in. He sat on my bed with a sinister grin and I remember the utter terror that set in my veins as he made his way over to me. I forget what he said but eventually”, Remus rolled up his sleeves, showcasing nasty and jagged scars that carried from his wrist to his elbow, “he pulled out something sharp, a pocket knife maybe, and well scarred me for life.” Sirius just stared at him, surprise written all over his face.
”I stayed with him until we graduated, and nearly all of my scars came from his hand. He made me believe I deserved it. He made me believe I was nothing without him. I bought every single one of those lies until I graduated. He wanted us to move in together, but I wanted a life, and I was not going to throw that away for my abuser. So I ran, I changed my name, I cut my hair, I joined the police academy, and I got the hell out.” Sirius had questions, Remus could tell by the way his mouth mimed speaking, but made no sound. “Ask me, I’ll tell you.”
”Well one, we went to the same college so how would I not know about this? Two, how did my mother find you? And three, how on Earth did she spin that to hang over your head?”
Remus smiled and replied, “I was good at hiding, and he was good at playing pretend. Your mother found me after you ran, it seems she was doing background checks on officers and my station, since we were the closest to her. She was trying to find herself a dirty cop. Instead she found something better, someone she could exploit and not pay, me.” He stood up, walking to stand next to Sirius, “She told me she knew about Grant, and that she was willing to contact him if I didn’t do as she said. I was terrified, it had been only a few months since you ran and little over a year since I had seen Grant last. Realistically, I should’ve known better, but after I agreed to work for her the threats changed. She decided that Grant wasn’t a good enough way to keep me in check, and started threatening to turn me into Internal Affairs for being dirty.”, he turned to look Sirius in the eye, “I couldn’t let her take my job, it’s the only thing that keeps me sane anymore, so I kept working and kept being her man on the inside. Sirius you have to understand, I had no choice and couldn’t let her take the life I had worked so hard to build.” The heir took a long sip at his tea, swallowing the information with it. He sighed and put a hand on Remus’ shoulder.
”I understand, after all she’s been trying to take my life away since I was born.”, he chuckled and then seriously added, “Remus, none of that is your fault you know, not Grant not Maman not me. It’s important that you know that alright, it’s not your fault.” Remus felt tears well up in his eyes, no one had ever told him such a thing before. Sirius squeezed his shoulder a little tighter and looked at him with an emotion he couldn’t explain. Then he did something neither of them expected, Sirius hugged him. He smelled of lemon and the lasting smoky smell that clung to his clothes. Remus sighed, letting out all of the pent up emotions leave him as he placed his head atop the mess of black curls. Nothing compared to the relief he felt at that moment. It scared him so deeply, the possibility of breaking this now fragile friendship.