Chapter 10
Waiting is hell, Harry decided.
He had devoured all the books he had taken for the trip, turns out Hermione isn’t the only one who can learn fast, he just needs a topic he actually cares about, so he’d been left to trying to distract himself by rereading them, while pretending he wasn’t glancing up every few seconds. Sam and Dean had told him to stay in the car, deciding from previous experience, that the motel wasn’t completely safe and that having him close while not in direct line of fire was best.
While it was better then being locked up in the motel, it wasn’t by much. He traded less boredom for more anxiety, right across the street, though he couldn’t see the, his brothers were squatted down in some bushes, waiting for the moment the house was invaded, the moment that the infant Rosie would live or die
Demon Deals last at most fifteen years, and at least a minute, typically they specify ten.
While Harry wouldn’t get out of the car for no reason, he knew himself, knew that the second one of his brothers looked to be in trouble he would be halfway down the street, so he held onto his Colt tightly. Just in case.
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Harry disappeared the day the term ended. Hermione was pissed. Ron would be sorry for him, but they, especially Hermione, had made it pretty clear that Harry was to tell them these things.
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Summoning demons, while easier with materials, do not necessarily need them, they need only a strong enough will and a name that it is known by.
The lights flashed on along with a scream, two shadows kicked the front door down and bolted through it.
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Sirius hated the moon.
He wasn’t crazy, he knew that it didn’t actually know he existed, but he could still feel it grinning down on him. That man in the moon.
Remus was recovering from the full moon, preferring to be alone, despite Sirius’ offers to spend it together, for Sirius to watch over him. To guard him.
That man in the moon.
The creaking of the stairs that had grown so much in the time since his childhood, house falling apart in neglect, announced his prowling the corridors. The house now looked how felt living it, peeling paper and molding furniture. Or had it always been this way? There was always a rot in the house.
He found himself standing in front of the main window, no memory of the time between. It just did that sometimes, time.
Then he saw it, a man- no, a boy, pacing in front of his front door. Brown, untamable hair flying in the wispy winds, backpack slung over his shoulder. He opened the window and shouted.
“James!”
James seemed to take a moment to find his window, then to think about how to respond.
“It’s Harry.”
“Oh, yes. I knew that. Come in come in!”
Was it summer break already? No, Harry wasn’t staying with him. He was with that ruddy whale he met at the wedding. So, why was he here?
“Are you quitting Hogwarts?”
“Uh- no Sirius, I’m here for winter hols?”
“Oh yes! I remember now, do come in.” It would not due for Harry to know he forgot he was visiting.
“Sirius, it’s locked.”
“I knew that.”
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Demons cannot be permanently killed as they are only sent to Hell and in turn return from it. Demons are impossible to kill apart from specific circumstance.
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His aching bones fought for his attention as he pulled on a suitable set of clothes. He had taken to spending all his time at Grimmuald, guilt at what he had left Sirius to all those years making him.
Remus should have trusted him.
Sirius would’ve trusted him.
The only time he left his side was the day of the full moon, Sirius was not… especially well right now, and it would hurt more than it would help to stay with him when he was at risk of biting him, werewolf form or not. With the help of some enchanted jewelry, quite like the mirrors he had helped invent, he could monitor his vitals from afar. Or at least tell if he had been injured.
Taking the smallest pinch of Flu Powder he could safely use, he didn’t have the time to work his odd jobs, and enunciating clearly, “Grimmuald Place.”
What greeted him in the kitchen was not Sirius attempting to create some monstrosity that he would have to contain, nor was it an irate house-elf screeching about dirty half breeds; Harry sat at the table across from Sirius.
“Moony! I forgot you were visiting!”
Deciding to take it one step at a time, he focused on what he knew.
“Did you eat the meals I made?”
That guilty look was his answer. They were on a two-month streak too.
“Harry made me food though!”
That brought the main issue into focus.
“I thought you were staying at Hogwarts.”
“I never signed the slip, I also never mentioned where I would be spending break.”
“And that fact has nothing to do how if we did know, we would have argued against it?”
“Nope.”
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Demon deals are permanent ties to your soul.
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Christmas was quiet, owls from Harry’s friends had already come and gone, along with the expected angry comments about him leaving them without warning. They were sat in one of the smaller sitting rooms, one that wouldn’t dwarf the three of them. Harry had already opened his gifts, mainly consisting of ones from his friends, Sirius had tried to convince Remus to let him leave to find something for the pup, but he refused, sighting the chance of discovery. Bullocks.
So, he had to settle with finding his brother’s old broom care kit, most of the oils having long expired.
“Reggie loves Christmas.”
Remus paused mid sip.
“Who’s Reggie?”
“My brother. His real name’s Regulus but that’s a bit too pretentious for conversation.”
“You have a brother?”
“Yeah! He’s just two years younger than me, only good Slytherin.
“Where is he?”
“He- oh. He went missing. I- I knew that.”
The silence descended. The silence was always the worst. Bellatrix’s screeching or Rodolphulus’s begging hurt, yes, but the silence always let the thoughts in. Let the man in the moon play with them.
That man in the moon.
Remus was wiping the hot chocolate of his bare arm.
Had he spilled his drink?
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His brothers and a women burst out of the house, crying baby in tow just before the building blew, orange light radiating out as the house’s second floor seemed to all at once ignite.
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He was smoking again.
Unhealthy or not, it helped calm him.
He had made sure to never do it in front of Sirius, why waste the quitting cold turkey that was forced on him by Azkaban, but he must have doubled the packs he went through.
The guilt of letting his once-partner suffer alone in Azkaban, the guilt the came from mourning a man he thought a hero, one of his best friends, only for him to be a rat, literal and metaphorical, the guilt of having to rely on the meals that Sirius paid for because he couldn’t get a god damn job.
“Merlin.”
“Remus?”
“Shit! Your quiet.” He hadn’t noticed it before, but now that he thought of it Harry had been so much quieter recently, not so much in amount or volume of talking, but in his movement.
“Sorry- I just saw you and- could I have one?”
It took a moment to realize what Harry was asking for.
“No? No, I’m not giving you a smoke!”
“Why not? I’ve already had one before.”
“What?”
“One of my- one of the people I met last year let me try one. He said I would try it no matter what, this way I would be supervised.”
That is… a decent argument, if you assume your kid was a delinquent. Though, to be fair, Remus and all his friends had been not much older than Harry when they had first smoked.
“So?”
Remus was going to say no, but the look on Harry’s face made him hesitate. Something about it reminded him of himself, knowing that everything would go to hell, and not being able to stop it.
He passed over one, and Harry withdrew a lighter from his jacket and lit it in a fluid motion, taking a drag like it was second nature. A comfortable silence began until Harry broke it.
“What’s wrong with Sirius?”
Remus knew this was coming.
“Azkaban- its not made for the innocent. It’s made to amplify the guilt in a person about the actions they took, the Dementors are part of it yes, maybe even most of it. But the architecture, the glimpses of the outside world you get, the people around you, it was made with a purpose. One that Sirius didn’t fit into. He was innocent- that made him all the more vulnerable to it. It warps your head, your sense of time, your being itself. You felt the dementors last year, that dread seeping through the castle walls, and they are inside the very walls of Azkaban, not just its borders.”
They both took a moment to let what he said settle.
“Why are you here?”
“Here?”
“Grimmuald. This house. It’s not for happiness or comfort anymore, if it ever was, it’s not the place to spend Christmas.”
Remus always spent the winter holidays at Hogwarts, sending plenty of mail to his parents, still missing them, but distanced from the poverty that stuck to his family like grime ever since he was bitten.
“I needed to see Sirius.”
“You can see him in the summer, seeing as you made it rather clear you would never return to your relatives. Why now?”
Harry’s face was stony, nose and undamaged ear turning red from the cold winter air, as he thought through his response. Harry did that a lot, thinking before speaking, something he had never done before. Remus would’ve been happy about it if it didn’t mean he had no idea what was going on inside his head.
“You never know when someone will be taken away from you, when you wont have the choice to see them again.”
“Sometimes, that time makes it hurt all the more.”
Harry looked at him, urging him to extrapolate. So, he did.
“Sometimes, I wish I never met your father. Never let him break me out of my shell, never let him pull me into his friends, the Marauders. I don’t know if I had the chance to go back, that I would let him.”
“But your still here. Still with Sirius. Aren’t you biding your time? He or you will be gone someday. You know that Voldemort isn’t gone, that another war is coming. Why are you still here?”
God, he really is her son.
“Your mother never let me- any of us, get too big for our britches. Always knew when we were being hypocrites.”
The street is empty, he absently notices, has been since he walked out here. No cars, no people walking their dogs, not even a bird. Alone.
“I guess I’m not strong enough.”