Hands Down

It had been a week since Regulus officially joined the band and James was still falling at Regulus’s feet.

Sirius and Remus are still in denial about their feelings for each other despite the fact that James and Regulus use every possible moment they can to point them out. It’s almost as if they don’t want to be together even though it’s common knowledge to everyone that they’re in love with each other. They’re often very flirty during rehearsals, they’ll brush up against each other, make eyes, send winks or blow kisses.

Though most of that was usually done by Sirius, Remus never asked him to stop. And yet, somehow they’re still both to stubborn to actually do anything about it.
“Dorcas has invited us to a party” Sirius announces as their rehearsal wraps up.

“When is it?” Remus questions.

“in 2 hours.” Sirius responds. “I wanna go.”

“I’ll go” James adds with a laugh.

“Me too.” Remus comments.

“What about you Reg? What do you say? You coming to this super awesome party or what?”

Regulus looks weary, James can tell he doesn’t often participate in parties and such so this must be weird for him.

“You can invite Barty and Evan. I’m sure Dorcas is already coming since she sent the invite. Besides, apparently another band she manages is supposed to be there. The Hallowed Daughters or something?” Sirius comments.

“Fine I’ll join, but if it’s gets boring or psychotic, which it will, I’m leaving. And I’m bringing Barty.”

“More than fair”

~*~

When they arrived at the party, they spotted Dorcas almost immediately and Regulus headed straight for her. Evan and Barty weren’t there yet so Dorcas was pretty much the only person he knew. She was standing in a corner with who he can only assume is her girlfriend, Marlene Mckninnon.

From what he’s heard she’s a member of The Hallowed Daughters. She’s their bassist, he thinks. As Regulus approached, Dorcas embraced him in a hug that he hesitantly leaned into. If Regulus knew anything about himself, it was he could only handle so much physical affection. With Barty it’s fine because by now he’s used to it and it doesn’t really bother him.

When other people are overly affectionate it doesn’t always make him the most comfortable. He supposes he should just bear through it, and he does most of the time. Like now, now is definitely one of those ones. Dorcas tends to give a lot of hugs and he doesn’t mind them much but they usually catch him off guard which makes him tense.

“Regulus! You came!” Dorcas smiles

“Unfortunately.” Regulus comments.

Dorcas rolls her eyes and turns her attention back to her girlfriend.

“I don’t we’ve met, I’m Marlene, Marlene Mckninnon. Dorcas’s girlfriend, Bassist in the Hallowed Daughters, and all around bad ass. I’m sure you’ve heard of me?” Marlene introduces herself and offers Regulus a hand to shake.

Normally Regulus would tell them to fuck off and walk away, but he knows that Dorcas likes Marlene and wants more than anything for her friends to get along. So he ignores the gut feeling to bolt and reluctantly shakes her hand. “Regulus Black. I’ve heard a bit. Dorcas speaks highly of you.”

“Oh she’d better.” Marlene looks at Dorcas. “For the record she talks about you lot quite a bit as well.” She puts an arm around Dorcas.

“All good things I hope?” Regulus questions.

“Oh please, have you met yourselves? definitely not all good.” Dorcas states, earning a small laugh from Regulus. “Looks like your boyfriends here.” she adds with a pointed toward the door that Barty was walking through.

Regulus turns slightly, his eyes finding Barty’s. “Well then I should..”

“Go! Let us go back to making out.” Dorcas states promptly.

“Oh! and if by any chance you see Sirius doing body shots off of randos- it’s completely normal.” Marlene adds.

Regulus’s face twists in disgust. “I think that will be my cue to leave.” and walks toward his boyfriend.

“You know out of all the places I thought I’d find you lurking, a corner with Dorcas Meadows and Marlene Mckninnon, was definitely not it.” Barty laughs earning a scoff from Regulus.

“Haha, I’m laughing so hard. You’re so funny” Reg deadpans.

“I know I am, I have a great sense of humor, thank you.” Barty quips. They continue on with their playful banter until they’re approached once again by Dorcas and Marlene.
“So where’s Rosier?” Dorcas questions.

“Oh he decided he didn’t want to come, though I’m not sure why. He said something about school work or whatever. I guess he has an unfinished art project or something?” Barty comments.

Evan is the only one in their apartment who decided to go to school. He wanted to further his art career so he’s going to school for it. Rarely ever do they get to see his works, but whenever he does show them it’s always beautiful. Raw. Just… different, in a way that makes it ever so appealing to the human retina, it’s difficult to look away. It shows them a part of Evan that they hardly get to see. A part that honestly seems kind of broken.

Regulus writes song lyrics to describe his feelings because he’s not very good at being open, and sharing things. He finds it easier to explain himself with words on a paper rather than speaking out loud. He figures that that’s probably how Evan feels with his art; he prefers drawing things out, painting them, sculpting them, rather than talking about them.
“Bummer” Marlene interrupts his train of thought. “More liquor for the rest of us then I guess.”

Dorcas lets out a laugh at her girlfriend before turning back to Regulus. “Well I was planning on introducing you to the rest of The Hallowed Daughters… If you’re alright with it, of course. I manage both of your bands so I figure it might be good for you to get to know one another.”

“Ooh Maybe we can play a drinking game!” Marlene exclaims. Clearly she’s a fan of drinking.

“Fine. I guess meeting the band wouldn’t be a horrible idea.” Regulus replies. “But if we segue into drinking games, I’m out.”

“The fuck you are. He’ll play.” Barty adds.

“Well then follow me, I believe the rest of your band, Regulus, has already made their way there.” Dorcas explains.

“Can we stop by the drinks table first? I need some type of alcohol to get me through this.” Reg complains.

“Yes, Regulus, we can stop by the drinks table. God you are so dramatic. Tell me, Reg, when did you turn into your brother?” Regulus rolls his eyes. “Please, If I had turned into my brother, I’d be dancing on a table right now, and apparently, doing body shots off of strangers.”

“That’s quite the image. Are body shots really on the table? Like- would you-” Barty begins.

“No, Barty. I will not be doing body shots off of you.”

“Well that’s no fun.” This gets all of them laughing, except Regulus, but his small smile of fondness toward Barty makes up for it. The group approaches the rest of the bands and Dorcas begins pointing out people and their names.

Regulus recognizes one of them. Lily Evans, she had been a year older than him in school, perfect at almost everything. He thinks she and James dated for a few months. Regulus does not like her.

The rest of the band seems okay enough. Mary’s pretty chaotic, matches Sirius’s personality pretty well. He’s sure those two will get along. It’s been established that he’s not a fan of Lily’s, and Pandora… Well, Pandora actually doesn’t seem too bad. She’s quiet, a bit weird. She seems to be doing tarot readings for people. He thinks they could potentially get along.

~*~

An hour later Regulus somehow finds himself sitting on the sofa across from Pandora, while she quite literally, laid his cards out in front of her. He doesn’t entirely know how he got there- Quite a few drinks he’s sure- and now Pandora had convinced him to allow her a glimpse into his future.

“Okay. Your first card, the Tower. Not the friendliest of cards, is it? However it’s a liberator. It’s telling you that something is about to crumble—could be a belief, a relationship, a whole foundation you’ve built. But don’t worry, Regulus, this destruction is not the end. Far from it, actually. It’s just the beginning of something bigger. After all you can’t rebuild until everything falls apart, right? It’s like- imagine a house of cards that you’ve worked so hard on falls down, and you’re upset about it, but suddenly in come all of these new ideas and blueprints of how to rebuild.”

Pandora voices the meaning of his first card and Regulus isn’t entirely sure how he feels about this. It’s just a tarot reading, it shouldn’t mean anything to him. Since when has he believed in this kind of stuff? Maybe it’s that he’s intoxicated. Maybe his brain is just short circuiting, he’s not sure. As Pandora continues he only becomes more and more confused.

“Now, here’s where the magic happens. The Star is kind of similar to the night sky, telling you that even when everything feels like it’s caving in, there’s still hope—bright and shining, right there. If you’ve been through hell, the Star is your chance to heal, to rise above it. It’s your guiding light away from the dark. The universe is telling you: it’s okay to take a breath sometimes. You’re meant for bigger things than you think, Reg. Don’t forget your stars—they’re simply waiting for you to reach them.” Okay what the fuck? Now Regulus is very confused.

“Ah, The Lovers. This is where things get… well, a little complicated if I’m honest. See, It’s not just about love, though that’s certainly part of it. It’s about choices. Every relationship you’re in, with yourself with others, it’s built on decisions. Who you choose to be and who you choose to love. You can’t just float through this life, Regulus—your choices, your heart, they seem to be all… tangled up with each other, and you can’t ignore that. Be honest with yourself. Who do you really choose?” Regulus isn’t entirely sure what to say to that. He’s absolutely smashed and not thinking clearly, he’s not even sure he’ll remember half of this in the morning.

“I don’t-” Regulus begins but it cut off almost immediately.

“Shh… Darling, I’m not finished.” She flips the next card. “The Empress.” She smiles slightly. “This is a card of creation, of nurturing, of bringing something into existence. Could be a project, could be a new perspective, could be… love.” Her eyes flick to Barty who’s across the room, then briefly to James before returning to him. “It’s about letting yourself feel, letting yourself be open to growth instead of fighting it.”

Pandora’s kind smile hasn’t left her lips as she begins explaining everything in further detail. “So essentially, you’ve got a fall, you’ve got healing, and you’ve got choices. It reminds me a bit of a storm on the ocean, does it not? The waters are calm at first, dim. But then the waves crash and the boats tip, and you lose people, sure, but in the end if you’re willing to face it, there’s usually a rainbow. The waters are calm once more, and you can make it to dry land with really no problems. Don’t ignore what’s breaking inside you, Reg. If you want to see who you really are, you’ll have to let the pieces fall and know that your friends will be there to pick them back up again.”

Regulus thinks that Pandora is magic. She must be if she can predict all of this. The real question is, will this really happen? Things have felt slightly out of place in his life recently and being in his brothers band now- well it’s quite a big change. He’s not entirely sure how Pandora managed to basically tell him that his life is going to fall apart with such a sweet smile on her face. It freaks him out a bit if he’s honest, but he kind of respects her for it? Is that weird? He doesn’t know. Apparently he doesn’t know a lot of things.

~*~

Remus watches, glaring daggers, as Sirius does continuous body shots off of various people. He’ll really take anyone but him won’t he? He locks eyes with Sirius and his previous anger dissipates. He can’t be mad at him, Remus knows that. He hasn’t even really done anything wrong, he’s at a party for fucks sake. Sirius can do body shots off of complete strangers anytime he wants, he has free will. Besides, who is Remus to tell him he can’t?

“Mate. You look like you want to kill every person on that table.” James pops up behind Remus. “You should just tell him about your feelings!”

“I can’t do that James, you know I can’t. It would ruin everything”

“I can guarantee you that Sirius is thinking that exact same thing right now” James comments.

“Well then I’m glad we’re on the same page.” Remus deadpans as Sirius suddenly stops what he’s doing and makes his way toward him.

“Moony!” He shouts as he reaches them and grabs onto his arms. “I haven’t seen you in ages!” Yeah he’s smashed.

“I’ll let you two lovebirds alone then.” James walks off, probably to find Lily or something. Despite their previous relationship, they built a wonderful friendship off of it and now they can do pretty much anything together.

“You saw me twenty minutes ago Padfoot” Remus claims.

“Yeah well it’s been too long.”

“Whatever you say Sirius.”

“You know you’re probably my favorite person.” Sirius slurs as he stares into Remus’s eyes. “I love you, you know that?”

“I love you too Sirius” Remus decides to ignore the way his heart is practically beating out of his chest.

“no. Like… I really love you. I’m in love with you, Remus.”

“I…” Remus isn’t entirely sure what he’s supposed to say to this. He knows that Sirius is incredibly drunk at the moment and most likely has no control over his train of thoughts, let alone the words coming out of his mouth. “You don’t mean that.” Remus stated weakly.

" I do, Moony. I love you more I think I can handle and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t think I can stop if I’m being honest.” Sirius goes silent for a moment. “Moony. Say something. Please?”

Remus can’t hear anything. The entire room goes silent. His heart stops. He’s not breathing. Remus doesn’t know what to do. How does he handle this? Of course he wants Sirius to love him, he’s been in love with him for years, all that he’s ever wanted was for Sirius to reciprocate those feelings. So why couldn’t he say anything?

Remus didn’t know. That’s a lie. He did know. He knew exactly why. Because it shouldn’t happen like this. Their first kiss, their confession, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not while they’re both intoxicated, not while Remus can’t seem to form a single coherent thought. This isn’t right.

“I can’t. I need to- just- I’m sorry.” Remus backs up and begins walking toward the door. He refuses to meet Sirius’s eyes, he knows that if he does then he’ll stay. He’ll feel bad and he’ll stay there with him and he’ll do something that they’ll both regret and then everything will go to shit an he won’t be able to back away from it. Remus knows this. And that’s precisely why he has to get out.

He has to get away from Sirius.

~*~

After Regulus’s tarot reading Mary had told Pandora that she was ready to go and if Panda wanted a ride she would need to leave with her. Pandora agreed, said her goodbyes and left Regulus with her phone number ‘in case he ever wanted to talk.’ He wouldn’t.

Has Regulus mentioned that he absolutely hates Lily? Has he? Because he does. A lot. So when that exact person plops down next to him on the couch, his obvious reaction is to give her a look of pure and utter hatred. Lily only just seems to notice he’s there and her smile falls slightly as she takes notice of the look he’s giving her.

“You don’t like me very much” She states.

“Bold presumption” Regulus replies blandly.

Lily simply smiles. “You look like you want to push me into oncoming traffic. You don’t like me, but you don’t know me.” She narrows her eyes. “Is this because of James?”

“What? No of course not. I’m with Barty, why the fuck would I care about James’ previous hookups?”

“Well the way I’m looking at it you either hate me because I used to date James, or… Actually there’s really no other logical explanation. So go on, tell me. What did I do in the grand span of two hours, to get you to hate me this much?”

“You-” Regulus cuts himself off as his eyes catch Remus walking out the backdoor. His eyes trail to where he had been previously standing and see’s James pulling a very heartbroken Sirius out the front. “I’ve got to go” Regulus tells Lily before standing up and following Remus.

~*~

Regulus finds Remus outside, leaning against a wall. He was smoking and looks just about as heartbroken as Sirius had. Regulus leans against the wall next to him.“Sirius is an idiot, you know.”

Remus sighs. “I know.”

Regulus finally turns to look at him“And you’re just about as bad.”

His words cause Remus to finally glance at him, raising an eyebrow.“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Look, You both like each other” Regulus makes a slightly disgusted face before continuing “-but instead of doing anything about it like a normal person, you’re both stuck standing around being absolutely miserable without each other. It’s quite pathetic, actually.”

Remus scoffs. “It’s not that simple.”

Regulus tilts his head, unimpressed. “Isn’t it? You either want him, or you don’t. And judging by the fact that you look like someone just ripped your heart out and stomped on it, I’d say you do.”

Remus stays silent for a moment, staring out at the stars.“It’s not just about what I want.” He sighs.

Regulus rolls his eyes. Why is everyone he fucking knows so god damn stubborn. “Fine. Be noble. Be miserable. Up to you. But don’t expect me to stand here and pretend you don’t love him when it’s written all over your stupid, brooding face.”

For once he actually manages a laugh out of Remus. “For what it’s worth… if either of you ever do get your shit together, I think you and Sirius would be good with each other. Fucking annoying, but good.”

Remus chuckles. “Thanks, I think?”

Regulus pushes off the wall. “Anytime.”

~*~

When Remus finally made it to his bedroom he wanted nothing more than to lay down on his four poster bed and fall into a dreamless sleep, but when he actually arrived he couldn’t stop thinking about… everything. He needed to do something. To forget. To get it out of his head for a while. He needed to play.

Remus walked down the stairs of his tiny one bedroom apartment and sat down at his piano. He began playing note after note, chord after chord. Before he knows what he’s doing he’s mumbling possible lyrics and then singing. When he’s finished he remembers as many lyrics as he can and plays around with them a bit. Once all of his feelings are written down, torn open for him to see, he thinks he might finally be able to catch a wink of sleep.

When he tries to lay down this time, he falls out of consciousness almost immediately, clearly songwriting works for him. He’ll have to try it more often. As his eyes drift closed for the last time as he’s drifting into slumber, all Remus can manage to think about are the words he wishes he would have said. “I’m in love with you.”

~*~

At two in the morning Regulus lay awake in his bed, he can’t stop thinking about everything that Pandora had told him. He knows that it’s just some silly cards and he shouldn’t listen and that it’s absolutely daft to think anything else of it… But he is still a bit drunk, and when did he ever listen to things that he should do?

Regulus pulls out his phone and contemplates sending a quick message to Pandora. In the end, his intrusive thoughts win him over and he types out “Do you really think that all of what you said applies to me?”

Coming as a surprise to Regulus Pandora responds rather quickly with a “I do. I think that knowing this can help you navigate the rough waters but I do believe that you have choices to make and things to overcome. It’s up to you whether you’d like to believe me or not. I guess you could say this is one of those choices”

Regulus stares at the words for a solid ten minutes before deciding on a response.

“You’re insane”

" Thank you! :)”

~*~
“Sirius. It’s okay, Remus will come around, he always does. He was probably just freaked out because it was late and you were both incredibly drunk. I hate to break it to you Darling, but you still are.” James points out as he fumbles to unlock the door.

Sirius whines against him as James drags him through the house and up to his room. “Why do I always fuck things up?” Sirius mumbles. “It’s my fault.. It’s all i do. It’s ruined- it’s… I don’t know what to do. why did I do that? He hates me.”

James lays him on the bed and pulls off his shoes.

“Sirius. Remus is very understanding, I’m sure everything will be fine. You were both drunk out of your minds so chances are you won’t even remember anything and neither will he. Padfoot, You do not fuck things up. That’s definitely not the only thing you do, you do so many other things and pick people up when they need it you help people through things, You love so much and with your whole heart and that’s not something to be ashamed of. If Moony can’t see that then that’s his loss, but I’m fully confident that if you guys just sat down to talk every once in a while you could work everything-”

James cuts off as he realizes that Sirius has fallen asleep. He looks kind of adorable laying there. He’s cuddles up with the blankets and pillows and looks so peaceful in his sleep. His head’s going to hurt like a bitch tomorrow.

James sighs and brings himself to the kitchen. He could go for some tea right about now. That night was probably one of the most chaotic and drama filled he’s had in a while and he is not eager to relive it tomorrow when everyone wakes up and starts asking the only sober person questions.

Normally James would be one of the heaviest drinkers at the party, he would get absolutely smashed and regret it in the morning. However, he had been assigned the role of designated driver, so unfortunately he could not live out his dreams of drinking until the sun came up. He supposes that was probably a good thing though, if sirius and Remus had had their big blowout while he was drunk it probably wouldn’t have gone over as well.

At least he knows Sirius is okay. Or he will be.

James’s mind begins to wander as the drowsiness and calm from the Melatonin in his tea starts to set in. At first he’s thinking of the ocean, he’s not how he got there. But he is. Then his eyes focus on the deep blue that almost looks like Regulus’s eyes. Reg. He likes Reg. Reg is wonderful, he thinks. His eyes are so pretty, he’s so pretty. Gorgeous even. His hair, his eyes, his rings, his mouth, his hands, oh how James loves his hands.

Regulus is mean and passive and adorable and everything about him lures James in. He loves talking to him, he wakes up and thinks about him, he goes to bed and thinks about him. He adores their conversations even though they only last a couple of seconds. He finds his humor quite hilarious and the way that his lips move when he talk is so sinful it should be a crime. James loves everything about Regulus.

With him, even the shortest of conversations feels like an eternity and he absolutely cannot get enough. He wants more, he needs more. James knows that Regulus is with Barty, he knows that, and he’ll respect it. But he’ll wait for Regulus. He’s willing to do that for him. He loves him too much to let him go.