The dark is ever-capitulating, all-consuming and unforgiving. It is simply the absence of light, but the opening for terrors beyond our imagination. Light is also horrifying, as you’ll find it so empty, so quiet, that you might go insane. Whereas darkness can be empty, but more unknown than anything else.
People say the fear of the dark stems from not the item itself but what hides within. The gruesome, the ugly, the truth. There could be an escaped convict out for blood, or some haunted being who wants to eat your soul. The possibilities are almost endless, almost being a key word. There is no light in the dark. There is no hope and no salvation.
However, what Wonyoung fears in the dark is the lack of anything. No shape, no dimension, only black nothingness. The void, where nothing escapes. You are alone. You are cold. You start to think, are you even there?
Wonyoung already feels all of that, but being surrounded by her thoughts only strengthens the feeling. She lies in what she thinks is her bed, and lets her mind consume her senses. The faux fur comforter she’s tucked into is something so distant, she forgets where she is for a moment. The heavy down pour that crashes against her window is the only reminder of the condition outside. Because the real storm she’s trying to battle is the one in her heart.
Sweat is trickling down her forehead, despite the room’s temperature being close to freezing. She’s paralysed with the weight of everything she has known and everything she was meant to be sweltering inside of her. She should cry, with the intensity of the emotions swelling in her, she really could. But after spending the whole day trying not to, when she finally gets the chance, she just can’t bring herself to actually cry. Does she get to cry?
She wants to call Yujin, tell her about her problems. She wants the older girl to laugh at her despair, but console her. She wants to snuggle up in the secrecy of her room, and for Yujin to whisper sweet nothings into her ear.
But Yujin is gone. Her Yujin, the one she had known for so much of her life, was no more.
She doesn’t get soft head pats when she does a good job anymore. She will never feel the flutter in her chest she gets when Yujin flashes her a dimpled smile, that’s ever so slightly different to the one she gives everyone else again. And worst of all, she lost the girl she was so deeply in love with, the one person she gave all of herself to. Now that person was gone, and so Wonyoung also lost herself.
Yujin had her heart, in every way she could. She put her everything into loving Yujin in the way that the girl deserved, the result being that she had no more loving left. So when her love was taken by a force out of their control, she had no one to blame but herself. Was she selfish? Or was she so selfless, that it became destructive?
The world was a cruel place, where everything wanted power. It was where darkness proceeded light, and no one was safe. Wonyoung thought she was, because she sacrificed everything into believing so. She gave her flesh to the judgemental wolves of the internet, for her to be shredded and always scrutinised. Her words were taken from her by her own company, and she became a puppet of their disposal. Her gentle hands went out to her members, who she guided through the fast-paced industry. The only thing left of her, the only thing that was truely hers, was her heart. Wonyoung built a wall so high that it reached the edges of the universe around it. She never lost herself in her work or in her other endeavours. No one ever really saw the concentrated, real Jang Wonyoung. Certain groups of people only saw diluted versions of her.
Yujin, however, slipped her way through the cracks and found a comfortable spot in her heart. Yujin only knew the Jang Wonyoung that god intended her to be. Not some dumbed down version for the media, or a soft and overly-sweet version for their friends. She saw the Wonyoung who tore herself down over the smallest of mistakes. She saw the Wonyoung who swore and whined when things didn’t go her way. She saw the Wonyoung who held her tight and didn’t let go.
Yujin was an angel sent from the great ones above. She was kind, knowledgeable, and generous. She was so well put together, you would think she was some kind of incoherent mess behind the scenes, but she wasn’t. She held herself to such a high standard, and never looked down, it was admirable. She made everyone around her strive to be better.
She smiled and laughed at the stupidest of jokes, never making anyone seem left out. She played and she teased, but only to lift people’s spirits. You could never not feel happy when you were with her.
So now that you could never be with her, what should you feel? Sad? Empty? What Wonyoung felt was much more than that, to the point she was numb. Her emotions were seeping out of her mind and into every crevice of her body, and it was an overstimulating pain. It felt like magma was circulating in her blood, and that every bone in her body was expanding. Her ribs were collapsing onto her vital organs and suddenly she couldn’t breathe.
Her mouth eased agape and blubbering like a fish out of water. She brought a frantic hand to her chest, grasping at the thin fabric, as if trying to set her heart free. Her vision began to blur in and out of focus. She felt the hot tears brimming in her eyes.
She let out a hearty, shrill scream. She cried like she’s never cried before. The tears left in streams, and no matter how hard she tried to wipe them away, they just kept coming.
Wonyoung sat up, bringing her knees to her chest. She hugged them tight, imagining that maybe it was Yujin who was in her arms instead. It was hard to stretch in the fabric of her pants, which she didn’t get to change out of after the funeral.
It was a beautiful ceremony, or as beautiful as a funeral could be. Yujin’s favourite flowers, daffodils, were set all over the church and surrounded her casket. It was open for anyone to see, because even in her last moments, Yujin was the most beautiful girl in the world. When it was Wonyoung’s turn to see to her, she wanted to leave immediately. That wasn’t her Yujin, it couldn’t have been. She wasn’t smiling, her dimples were forever gone. She wasn’t warm like she usually was, she was freezing to the touch. Wonyoung forgot exactly what she said, but it contained phrases like “I love you”, “please don’t leave me”, and “we’ll be together again soon, my love”.
For the rest of the funeral she just stood there, staring into the distance, a hurricane of thoughts swirling in her head. It took her a while to realise that Yujin was really gone. People spoke to her but she wasn’t really listening. She had half a mind to give her eulogy, which she was asked to do because she was the closest to Yujin. She would have refused if Gaeul didn’t talk her into doing it. If it was her who was struck with some incurable disease, Yujin would have stood in front of the world to profess how amazing the Jang Wonyoung was.
There were no paparazzi, which was actually surprising. Her company managed to
When it ended, Leeseo brought them all into a big group hug. Liz was sobbing and wailing, Rei was quietly shaking, Gaeul was stoic but her eyes were glossy, and Leeseo was mumbling words of consultation. Wonyoung was tired. Liz actually was the first to notice, and squeezed her tighter.
“It’s not weak to cry, Wonyoung.” She whispered through sobs. Wonyoung weakly smiled in appreciation, but couldn’t bring herself to do or say anything else.
To there way to the cars, she dragged behind everyone else, her lack of energy finally taking a toll on her. She could make out the quiet conversations of her members. Leeseo was concerned about the future of their group, wondering if they’d continue. She brought up good points, but Wonyoung doesn’t think she could do any of this without Yujin. Liz and Gaeul were talking furiously about something, and only when Wonyoung came closer did she understand. They were talking about her, they were worried.
The whole ride was silent, with the occasional sniffle.
The moment her driver parked she sprinted to her dorm, internally thanking her manager for giving her, her own apartment. She slammed the door behind her, ignoring the calls of her members. She received a text that they were all staying in Yujin’s dorm for a while, to reminisce. But that was the last thing Wonyoung wanted to do, because that would mean she was really gone.
Nothing, could get her Yujin back to her. Her sweet, sweet Yujin. Her friend.
Her fingers itched with the need of a pen, she needed to write. It felt like a melody was flooding to her mind and suddenly she was humming a melancholic tune. Lyrics of love, death, and endless desire were what this song was going to be about.
She remembered leaving her notebook and pen on her bedside table the night before, and reached for it.
Her hand touched something that didn’t feel like the metal of her pen or the hard cover of her book. It was Yujin’s leather jacket. She brought it up and into her arms. It was somehow still warm, and the aroma of Yujin’s favourite perfume was overwhelming. She dragged her finger over the worn seams. The path lead her to the jacket’s pockets, which weren’t empty,
Wonyoung felt that it may be a breach of trust, but who would reprimand her for doing so? The owner of the jacket?
Wonyoung shoved her hand into it and found a few pieces of paper and other miscellaneous things. She pulled them all out at once and started scanning through them. There was a receipt for some flowers and beef, which was from only a few days before. It was a reminder that Yujin was alive and well, that she wasn’t apart of her imagination. She found a little note, that had her name on it and a heart. Something inside of her told her to open, probably her brain. But she just couldn’t. She wasn’t ready. Among those, there was a Polaroid picture from when they were first rehearsing the dance for attitude.
Wonyoung wanted to burn it, if she was being honest. Then jump into the fire after, and meet Yujin half way. She may have been going crazy. The faint scars on her wrist were definitely an indication of that. Now that she was in the darkness, her true nature was escaping the grasp of her consciousness. This was the raw Wonyoung, with bad habits and unkempt thoughts.
She checked her phone, it was just after 12. There were several notifications from friends and family saying their condolences. She didn’t really understand why they were sending them, but she was somewhat appreciative. People cared. Maybe a little too much. She’d just copied and pasted a heartless response, talking about how she was fine, just handling with her grief, and how she was grateful for their concern. It would make them all feel better, knowing that they comforted a hurting girl.
She needed a break. She needed to feel less. Maybe it was finally time to give Yujin and Rei’s dorm a visit.
She groggily got off her bed, ignoring how her legs wobbled under her weight. She finally changed out of her uncomfortably damp clothes and into something that wasn’t a painful reminder of the events of the past week.
She opened her door, first checking to see if she was in the clear. It was empty, quiet, and just what Wonyoung wanted. She loved her members, but she really couldn’t handle any more social interaction. She stepped out, and started lightly stepping towards the dorm. She only stopped when she heard a creak, and looked back to find Leeseo ogling at her like she was a ghost.
Wonyoung must’ve looked horrible, for Leese to be staring at her like she had never seen her before. The young girl, herself, looked like she hadn’t slept for a decade. No words were exchanged, they weren’t even breathing.
“Sleep well, Wonyoung.” Leeseo mumbled before disappearing back behind the door and locking it. Wonyoung suddenly realised that was the first time she spoke to Leeseo that day, and she internally scolded herself for not greeting her back. Ever since she watched Yujin’s lifeless body be carried away by the paramedics, she realised how easily it was to lose those around you. How easy it was to succumb to the darkness. She promised to never see any of her members like that. She’d probably go insane if she did.
She knocked on the last door in the hallway, hoping that Rei may still be awake. She was pleasantly surprised to find Liz behind it instead. The two just looked at each other, but Wonyoung was sick of just standing and staring, so she opened her mouth.
“Rei just doesn’t want to be alone tonight.” Liz whispered, beating Wonyoung to the punch. She just nodded understandingly, as she wouldn’t want to be alone either. She’d usually ask Yujin to keep her occupied, but you know. “We won’t disturb you.”
Wonyoung tilted her head in confusion, but realised what Liz was implying. They knew she needed this, to be alone.
“I’m sorry for not coming earlier… and barging in now.” She weakly offered, but Liz just smiled, like she missed this Wonyoung. Which was weird, because Liz usually didn’t smile in a situation like this. But Wonyoung found that all of the girls took on different aspects of Yujin unconsciously. Liz was now the one who brightened up every room she was in. Gaeul adopted the leader role rather quickly, but she had to, they’d be blind without her. Leeseo was more playful than ever, always teasing the others with stupid voices and silly faces. Rei was the first person Wonyoung sought out when she was feeling down, and she was suddenly the wisest. Wonyoung, however, didn’t think she reflected Yujin in any way. She barely seemed like herself at all these days. “I just missed her.”
“Don’t apologise, you have your reasons,” Liz assured, pulling Wonyoung in by the arm, “You know, today I kind of saw Yujin in you. You two were like two peas in the pod, so I guess she rubbed off on you a bit.” She chuckled lightly. Wonyoung’s eyes widened, and the corners of her cheeks pulled up. Her eyes glossed over and suddenly the feeling to cry overwhelmed her.
Liz grinned as she started moving to Rei’s room, “Goodnight Wonyoung.”
“Goodnight Liz, and tell Rei I said hi.” She waved. Liz nodded before shutting the door behind her. Wonyoung shook her head and curled her fingers around her arms. She really did need this. Maybe she should stop pushing away the people who care. Maybe she should have taken up Yujin’s offer to sleep over, instead of worrying about her own self worth.
She creeped towards the door furthest down the small corridor, but stopped right at the entrance. She thought she was ready, but maybe she wasn’t. It would be okay if this wasn’t the time. But when would the time be then? If not now, how long will it be until she’s ready?
She suddenly pushed open the door with her eyes shut. She would have to apologise for the noise later. But she finally did it, and she couldn’t go back. It was one foot after the other, one step at a time both physically and emotionally. Everything was the same as it was. Stuffed in the corner, were some decaying flowers, probably the ones Yujin had bought in the receipt. Her various leather jackets were stacked in her desk chair, never to be worn again. Polaroids of everyone and anyone who Yujin knew were scattered around. Wonyoung walked up to the full body mirror, and found pictures of Izone, Earth Arcade, and IVE moments stuck onto it. She huffed when she realised half of the images had her in them. Wonyoung was always Yujin’s favourite muse. She realised that the feeling was reciprocated, remembering the many sleepless nights she spent writing songs about her.
It was all so familiar, except some things were missing. The bedside table which held her mini fridge was gone, as well as the sheets of her bed. The police came the week before, cleaned up the place, even then Wonyoung couldn’t make herself go through with it. She had made the smallest precautions to avoid anything Yujin, because every time anything reminded her of the girl, she wanted to cry, disappear, or both.
Yujin wasn’t coming back. She was at peace, where she never had to worry about hateful comments or fear she’d never be good enough. Her room would stay stuck in time and collect dust, as everyone else went on with their lives. Yujin would become simply a fond memory in her members’ mind. Someone who had touched the hearts of millions, now a simple relic of the past.
But to Wonyoung, Yujin - who was everything - would remain a constant. Her dimpled smile could never leave the forefront of her mind. Wonyoung would be haunted by the girl, and what they could’ve been, for the rest of her life. Because how could she love anyone as much as she did Yujin.
1.5 weeks before
It was the first day of promotions, and Wonyoung was up and early. She had a smile on her face, and she was actually really excited to show their performance to everyone. She worked hard writing attitude, and felt it really encapsulated everything she’s been through. It marked the start of a new era for IVE, and she was ready for the next several years she’d spend with the girls.
The other girls decided to spend the hour they have until they have to leave together, so Wonyoung found herself in Liz and Leeseo’s dorm. They were laughing, remembering the many times they spent together before performances. This time felt different, however, like something big was about to happen.
They were just waiting on Rei and Yujin, when frantic footsteps echoed through the hallway.
“Help! Help me!” Rei called out as she ran into the dorm. She was glad to find everyone was already there, as she was already out of breath from the short run from her and Yujin’s shared apartment. Her eyes were panicked and she was heaving.
“What’s wrong? Rei, what’s going on.” Liz got up and started making her way to Rei with open arms. The two hugged for a moment before Rei pushed away slightly.
“It’s Yujin.” She coughed out, tears seemed to be welling. Leeseo gasped and looked around for reassurance, which she wasn’t met with. Gaeul and Wonyoung stood up, both wide eyed. Liz, who was still holding Rei tightened her grip around her arms. Rei didn’t have to say anything for everyone to know that something wasn’t right, it was in her demeanour.
“Yujin? Is she okay?” Gaeul asked, as everyone else was silent. If the world was ending, Gaeul would still be able to control the situation.
“She’s not waking up.” Rei stated, swallowing something down. She looked directly at Wonyoung, contemplating if she should say the next part. But her concern for Yujin got the better of her, “She’s not breathing.”
Liz frowned and let go of Rei, then she broke into a quick jog. Before she was too far away she yelled, “Get a manager!”, then she turned left to the direction of Rei and Yujin’s dorm.
“Yujin-“ Wonyoung mumbled, as she started to move. Her legs were walking but she wasn’t registering anything up there, her mind was on the safety of Yujin, and Yujin only. She watched as Leeseo ran past her and out of the dorm, in the direction of the manager’s place. The youngest girl was yelling something, but it was just a distorted echo in Wonyoung’s head.
“Wonyoung it’s okay, it’s going to be okay.” Gaeul mumbled, as she put her arms around the taller girl’s waist, effectively stopping her from going any further. Wonyoung tried to push her arms off, but failed. Her breathing was becoming erratic and the comforting words Gaeul was whispering, weren’t working.
“Yujin! Gaeul, please! I need to see Yujin.” Wonyoung wailed trying to break free from Gaeul’s grip. The woman may have been small, but she was strong. With one last shrill cry Wonyoung collapsed, her knees finally buckled under her pressure. “My Yujin.”
Rei stayed back with Gaeul to take care of Wonyoung, who was not it a safe state. The three sat in the living room, where Wonyoung was leaning on them and crying her heart out. She mumbling incoherent sentences and clawing at her arms, she was worried sick. The sirens outside of the building weren’t helping soothe her nerves, if anything they were making her more anxious. Managers and medical workers passed there door, ordering from to each other.
After a few moments, they came back, with an unconscious Yujin on a stretcher. She was pale, and her hair was stained redder than it already was. Wonyoung almost stood up to chase after them, but Rei pulled her back down. They would have to wait a bit before they were allowed to visit her.
***
In the hospital the members sat impatiently waiting for news of their leader’s condition. None of them could sleep and wink, too worried about Yujin. They were all hopeful that she would be alright, she had to be, she was Yujin. This was just an accident, that they’d laugh at in the future, embarrassed at how they reacted. Yujin would say how grateful she was, and they’d all hug it out.
“She’s had another epileptic episode.” The doctor, that all of them were familiar with, stated with a sympathetic tone. She watched them all for their reactions, letting all the information settle in. After being subjected to a head injury as a young child, Yujin had been suffering from seizures. They weren’t as common before, but were an area of concern when she started training to be an idol. She had gotten considerably more susceptible to them after debut, since she was exposed to flashing lights almost everyday. She told her members about it, and they were accepting, of course. Wonyoung was especially concerned, and always took extra care of her, even though she was younger.
“She hit her head on the corner of her bedside table during a seizure, and she lost a lot of blood. We’re actually lucky that you found her not long after the incident.” The doctor continued, looking back and forth between her clipboard and the girls. They all nodded in understanding, but one girl seemed more restless than the rest.
“Is she going to be okay?” Gaeul asked what was on everyone’s mind.
“She’s in a stable state, we’ll update you in the morning.” The doctor stated with finality, before turning around and walking away. The girls looked at each other, and let out a collective breath. They didn’t know whether to take that as good news or bad.
“I don’t think I can do this.” Wonyoung sighed as she plucked at the stray strands of her jeans. They were a pair from a matching set that Yujin bought them all. She looked up and met the eyes of Liz, who were just as tired. The red of here eyes contrasted her freshly bleached hair, in a less than flattering way. But she was the most outwardly upset, as she cried the whole ride to the hospital.
Wonyoung wished she could be that expressive, she told Yujin about it. Yujin told her that it was charming, and made any time she did show that much emotion special. That’s what made Yujin special, her ability to make everything okay. This occasion would be no different, she would be fine.
“She’ll be out in no time, Wonyoung.” Gaeul reassured, patting a hand on the taller girl’s shoulder. It wasn’t anything like Yujin’s touch, but it was just what Wonyoung needed. She nodded tiredly.
“I don’t know what I’d do if she wasn’t okay.” She muttered, scratching the back of her neck. Their manager arrived, only to call them all the car. They would come back as soon as they could the next day. That’s when they would find out if Yujin was okay. And she had to be, because Wonyoung barely remembered the last words they shared, and she would hate for them to be something as meaningless as what they had for dinner.