They don’t kill Ben. That’s what’s really important here, Ben isn’t dead. That’s what Nat keeps telling herself. But he’s still screaming, even after everyone has retired to their hut. The twigs around her do absolutely nothing to hide it, his hoarse voice seeps in through all the cracks of their shoddy weave-work. What she wouldn’t give for some real walls right now. She can’t help but resent herself for picking the spot closest to the animal pen. Not that any of the others have it much better.
She sits up, hugging her knees to her chest, and peers out the door of her tent. Out there she sees that the fire is still going. She groans to herself as she gets up to put it out but as soon as she reaches the entrance to her hut, she spots a silhouette sitting on one of the logs outside, causing her to still. She makes out the poodle-like blond hair and breathes a sigh of relief. It’s just Misty. Who is probably about the only girl Nat can tolerate running into right now.
She steps outside, snapping a twig under her boot and making Misty whip her head around. She relaxes at the sight of Nat and goes back to staring at the fire.
“What are you doing up?” Nat whispers. But Misty doesn’t respond, she stays completely unmoving, staring at the fire.
From his prison only a few steps away, Ben lets out a particularly guttural sob, making Nat cringe.
“Misty?” She calls, and still no response.
She makes her way over carefully, crouching down in front of Misty and taking her face into her hands.
“You need to go to sleep, you shouldn’t be out here.” Nat tells her. Misty just stares, as if she’s seeing straight past Nat, mouth slightly agape. She looks almost dead.
Nat rips her hands away from Misty’s face in exasperated anger, “Misty, will you please just go to bed! I really don’t need this right now,” She hisses at her.
Wrong move, Nat thinks. Misty’s face scrunches up in pain and tears start flooding from her eyes.
“We’re monsters. we’re such monsters. I’m such a monster-" She rushes out between hiccups for breath.
Nat grabs the other girl’s hands that are resting clenched in her lap. “You are not a monster. You did everything you could. And…” She pauses, trying to think of what to say. “And we’re all just trying to survive, Misty. We’re just doing what we have to.”
Nat can feel herself choke up, and she can hear it in her voice when she speaks.
“How is this to survive? You know he doesn’t want to hurt us; you know that better than anyone. He wasn’t going to leave, even if we hadn’t cut his fucking tendon.” Misty spits at her, though there isn’t a lot of true malice in her voice. She just sounds hurt.
“It was the only way to…” Nat starts.
The only way to keep the others happy is what she wants to say. The only way to keep Shauna happy, Shauna and her new lap dog.
Nat knows she can’t say any of that though, because she is the leader. She makes all the calls, if she really had tried, she could’ve shut it all down. She could’ve prevented all of this and Misty knows that too, she isn’t dumb.
Nat’s entire body wells up with shame. Everything is falling apart, and she has no idea how to stop it, or how to keep them safe anymore. She never wanted to be a leader in the first place.
What if she was just making everything worse? Akilah had said that Coach Scott was their “bridge home”. What if Nat had just gone and ruined that by taking away his ability to walk entirely? What if she had just doomed them all even further? Or what if this whole idea of getting rescued and Ben being the key is just another one of Lottie’s delusions and they’re all worse for trusting it?
She swallows down the lump in her throat, she can’t do this right now. She can’t regret what’s already happened, that won’t do anything to fix it.
“Misty, will you please just go to sleep? You can stay in my hut tonight. Just…. please.” She pleads with her, trying to bite back any tears.
Misty sucks in a breath through her teeth before nodding slowly, her face still contorted with pain.
Nat smiles at her, as strained as it is. She leans in to place a peck on Misty’s lips, and Misty, who is usually so enthusiastic about Nat’s affection, doesn’t even attempt to kiss her back.
Natalie feels her heart break a little. Is she losing her too? She has always been Scared Misty would eventually get tired keeping whatever the two of them had going on a secret. She didn’t exactly want to admit to the rest of the girls that she was getting with anyone, but Misty? She could just imagine the kind of backlash she’d get for that. She knew that kind of made her shitty.
She pulls Misty up and leads her to the hut, helping her get situated onto one of the cushions laid out once she’s in.
Nat pushes her makeshift bed over to Misty’s so she can lay down right next to her, but the blonde doesn’t even look at her. She stays on her back staring at the top of the hut where all the branches convene.
Nat sighs, “Goodnight, Misty.”
She gets no response.
…
Nat is awoken by a sobbing scream; she whips her head around to find Misty thrashing to get up and wrap her arms around herself. Her face is already soaked in tears, and she is gasping for air like the world has run out of it. She brings her hands up to her head, pressing them hard against her ears, so hard it looks like it’d hurt.
Natalie instantly is scrambling to grab her and pull her into her arms but Misty rips herself back, shaking her head violently. She’s mumbling something under her breath that Nat can’t quite make out, but she keeps repeating it. Over and over and over again.
She gets a little louder and that’s when Nat hears her finally, “It’s all my fault, all of this is my fault.”
“Misty…” Nat breathes out, saying her name like it is the most fragile thing on earth.
Nat is slower this time, approaching her like a scared animal, holding her arms out and closing them around Misty’s shoulders. Finally, the other girl accepts the embrace, pushing her face into Natalies chest. She can feel Misty’s tears and snot wipe off against her collarbone, but she can’t bring herself to mind.
“What happened? Was it a dream?” She asks.
Misty nods.
“Can you tell me about it?”
Misty hesitates for a second before starting up, “We were all dead, every single one of us. We never made it out or got rescued. We tore each other to pieces, and it was all my fault. All of it, because I–”
She cuts herself short and nuzzles deeper against Nat’s chest.
“That’s not gonna happen. We’re gonna make it out of here, we’re going home.” Nat smiles a bit, “And you know what? When we do get back, I’m gonna take you out for real. We’ll go see some really cheesy rom-com that I know you’ll love. I’ll take you to dinner after at a place neither of us can afford. We’ll have to dine and dash, and your record will be forever tainted.”
Nat laughs a little at the thought, but Misty doesn’t move, she stays completely still.
Natalie sighs, “Misty, we're gonna be okay, I mean you heard what Akilah said. Things really are gonna get better, we’re so close to being rescued.” she tells her, bending down to bury herself in Misty’s hair and press a kiss to her scalp.
“And what happens if we do go back?” Misty mumbles, and Nat can feel her lips move against her neck when she talks.
“I just told you what we’re gonna do” She whispers back.
“No. What really happens? What do we actually do if we go back there?” Misty scorns, her voice as solid as bricks.
“We…” Nat starts, but she doesn’t exactly know how to respond. What would they do? Nat had given up thinking about being rescued, she no longer woke up expecting to be home. This was their home.
She had never given a thought to how things would change for them if they did get back.
Would they ever be able to return to society? Like, actually return. Probably not. And what about the wilderness? Were they still gonna worship it or make sacrifices to it? Was Natalie going to spend her days always bent at an altar? Well, maybe not her, she never really believed in the whole religious bullshit that Lottie and the rest of the girls always seemed so hung up on.
“I don’t know.” Nat whispers into Misty’s hair.
“Nat, what if we really do never get rescued? What if they have no way to find us? I-I...” Misty cuts herself off and burrows deeper into Nat’s arms. “We’ve been out here so long, I doubt they’re still looking. Would it be worse if we stayed here?”
And Nat just doesn’t know. Misty’s right about them not searching, it just doesn’t seem possible they still would be. Everyone probably assumes their dead, especially after winter, how would a bunch of kids survive the wilderness without any food? Nat knows how.
But would it be better to stay? Out here at least they all understand each other, they understand what it means when they’re brutal. They understand the fact that surviving is the only true goal. What would the rest of the world think?
“I guess we just have to be hopeful someone is still trying.” Nat finally mumbles, ignoring Misty’s morbid question. But she doesn’t even believe her answer, and she knows Misty doesn’t believe that either.
Misty readjusts herself so that her back is to Nat’s chest and her head in the crook of Nat’s neck. She grabs Natalie’s hand and starts to twiddle with her fingers, squeezing them softly and bending them back and forth.
“What are we even gonna do with him? Just keep him locked up in there?” Misty hesitates for a second, her voice barely even a whisper, “What happens when winter comes again?”
Nat feels herself tense, what will happen? Somewhere in her mind she has been thinking that this entire time. How long will Lottie’s delusions really keep him safe?
When Nat doesn’t say anything, she feels Misty start to tremble again. Instantly Nat is wrapping her even tighter, trying to pull her as close as she possibly can.
“Hey, it’s okay, we’re all going to be okay.” She whispers to her.
“None of this is okay!” Misty sobs.
Nat shushes her, rocking their bodies back and forth. She feels her heart clenching up at the other girl's sobs, how is she supposed to comfort her? She’s never been good at that sort of thing. But she desperately wants Misty to feel better, it’s tearing her up watching her like this.
Nat turns Misty’s head so she can lay kisses to her cheeks, catching the girl’s tears on her chapped lips. Misty sighs and leans into it, letting Natalie pepper kisses all around her face. Nat hesitates a second, stuttering in her pace, before pressing her lips to the shorter girl’s.
Misty kisses her back this time, moving in rhythm with Natalie. Nat just about consumes her, trying to push everything she has into this kiss; her apologies for the mess they're in, her gratefulness that Misty is here going through it with her, her devotion to making Misty feel any sort of better. Natalie wants her to feel it all, everything welling up inside of her chest. She wants Misty to know just how sorry she is for everything; just how much she would do for her.
Nat pulls away from her as soon as she feels herself getting too harsh. She keeps their faces close though, too scared to be any further away from her.
“I promise I’m going to get us out of here, okay? No matter what, I promise we’re gonna go home together.” And she really does mean it, she’s so sure, even if it means crawling her way out of these woods.
Misty nods against Nat, “Okay.”
Nat nods too, smiling more than she has all day, “Come on, let’s go back to bed.”
They reposition themselves until they’re laying back down, Misty’s back pressed against Nat and her arm swung around Misty. She laces their fingers together, pressing another kiss to the back of Misty’s neck.
The air is finally settling, Ben has long stopped screaming, everything is finally quiet.
“I wish we had shot him.” Misty whispers, shattering the calm, and it’s the most stable her voice has sounded all night.
Nat stills against her back but says nothing.
Neither of them falls asleep again, they stay wrapped in each other, horribly awake, until the sun starts shining through.