As the concert ended with a raucous applause from the crowd, another gig closed for The Marauders. Sirius Black slipped backstage with his bandmates, to celebrate with them before ducking out the backdoor and lighting a cigarette. Sirius still wore a wide smile even after a long day, still felt the rush of adrenaline. It had been a good performance that night, one of his best yet. One of the special moments he probably wouldn’t forget.
The door swung open again, and Sirius raised his gaze to see Remus approaching him before leaning against the wall. “Cigarette?” he offered, only after giving Remus an appraising glance.
"Sure, why not?" Remus smiles as he takes the cigarette from Sirius's fingers. He wasn't looking at Sirius, he avoided his gaze. He had a reason why. Should he be looking at the guy he’s in love with looking hot right now?
Sirius held the cigarette to his lips, lighting it with the flip of a silver Zippo. He watched Remus take the cigarette, noticing with a sort of interest that he wasn't meeting his gaze.
"You were brilliant out there tonight," he tells him, resting against the wall. "As always," he added, his smile widening faintly.
With the faintest hint of a tease in his voice, he continued, "Not nearly as brilliant as me, of course."
"You have a big ego y'know" Remus smirks "for a small brain surprisingly" he teased Sirius as he chuckled, he could see Sirius staring. He felt Sirius staring and that just made him want to tease him more. Be close to him more.
Sirius raised an eyebrow in false offense, his smirk returning.
"Big accurate ego, you mean. And hey! I'm smart, you know" he says before inhaling a generous draw on his cigarette.
Sirius’s eyes flicked up and down over Remus’s form once more before he leaned in slightly, holding the cigarette between his fingers.
"You were watching me tonight, weren't you?"
"God, are you always this narcissistic? Actually wait no, don't answer that, I already know the answer"
"Rude! Moony, have faith in me!"
"If you stop being an idiot then, maybe"
"Hey! I'm not an idiot! I just have confidence!" he chuckled, smoke curling from between his lips as he exhaled once more.
"But I know you well, Moony," Sirius pointed out, his eyes on Remus’s. "You were definitely watching me. I could feel your eyes, Moony!"
"Hm, maybe I was watching someone else and that you're hallucinating" Remus shrugged, still smirking. Some of the curls fell to his face, it fitted Remus's amber eyes, Sirius thought to himself.
"Hallucinating a very clear gaze on me, specifically?" Sirius pointed out, his smirk still in place. He took another draw on the cigarette, stepping a little closer to him. "Admit it. You were watching me."
Remus took a step forward as Sirius did too "Of course I was, I always do" Remus said as if he was challenging Sirius to continue further.
Sirius chuckled again, raising the cigarette up to his lips as he studied him. "Watch me a lot, do you?" he asked, his tone a little playful. His smirk grew. "Do you like looking at me, Moony?"
Remus rolled his eyes and chuckled "It would be weird if I didn't look at you, wouldn't it? It's normal, Fy seren" Remus did have a point, didn't he?
Fy Seren? It's Welsh, isn't it? What does it mean?
Sirius was curious. He looks at Remus curiously, raising his eyebrows as if signaling him to tell the meaning.
Remus laughs and rolls his eyes "Figure it out, Cariad" Remus knows that Sirius would hate him for it but what could Sirius do?
Sirius wouldn't know. It's all a dream, remember? 'Oh Sirius wake up' a voice echoed, the room suddenly turned dark and Sirius was all alone again
He sees Remus in the distance out of the dark room, he'll always see his moon. He runs but Remus gets more distant
'He's gone, Sirius' the voice spoke again and that's where Sirius wakes up realizing it was just a dream and that Remus is gone. Long gone. Remus forgot him after the car accident a few months ago, out of the people Remus could have forgotten, it just had to be his fy seren, his star.
Sirius sits up on his bed, thinking about what happened. It was his fault, wasn't it? He told Remus to pick him up from the airport, he saw it right in front of him. The truck crashed into Remus's car, right in front of him. He wonders what if..
What if Remus had said no?
What if Sirius just didn't ask?
But that's all in the past. Sirius can't do anything about it anymore, his Lune, his moon is now gone
Who is he anymore if not Remus's brightest star?
He needed Remus. He did but where was he? Oh he couldn't breathe and his vision started to get blurry, he just wanted his moon, why did the world have to take it away from him?
They're so selfish, they already have a moon yet they took Sirius's too. Sirius felt his stomach drop for some reason and his breathing started to get heavy and uneven
He hated this feeling, he hated losing someone again. He hated it, why was the world so cruel to a star? Why so badly do they want it to be the Brightest star just to make it fall?
He couldn't take it anymore, he just couldn't— he needed to get James, he needed someone just someone- but then..?
Remus.
A hallucination of his but it helped. Remus hugged him tight as if that was really his Moon, his breathing was back to normal again, oh how he loved this feeling once again, back in his Moon's arms
His moon looks at him and smiles
"It's okay, I'll be back soon, Fy Seren"
Remus kisses the top of his head and cups his cheek. He looks sad, Sirius thinks.
"I promised you I'll always be here, remember? I'm sorry, I might have broken it, fy seren. I'll come back but it might take awhile or move on, love. My star, you're free to go, go find another moon to love"
As Remus finishes, he disappears. Sirius couldn't help but cry, a star is nothing without its moon in the night sky
Sirius's eyes widened as he registered Remus's words, his heart clenching in his chest as the man spoke.
No, no, no, he thought desperately. Please don't leave, please don't leave me.
He tries to reach out, tries to say something, anything but a strangled gasp is all he can manage.
Then Remus disappears and it's like something breaks inside of him, a sharp, aching pain in his chest and a strangled sound escaping his throat.
The tears finally break free and flow down his cheeks.
Every part of him aches. His chest hurts, his head, and finally his heart, he aches all over.
He wants Remus. He needs Remus. He needs his moon, his precious lune. “Remus,” he chokes out, the name broken and strangled, the tears falling down his cheeks.
“Remus, please,” he gasps, “please, come back, p-please.”
But Remus doesn't come back. He's gone, oh his precious lune is gone now what could he do? His moon was only a shadow of the sun. Without the sun, there's no moon.
Maybe that's why James and Remus were never close, or maybe that's why Remus was gone because there wasn’t a sun in his life.
But a star is also the sun, right? Wasn't Sirius enough? Sirius was the brightest star in the night sky. How come he wasn't enough for his Moon?
But that's his fault, he can't help but blame himself. He's the brightest star for what if he can't even make his moon shine? Why be the brightest star if...?
Maybe those what ifs won't help, Sirius thought. Maybe.. Regulus was right about one thing, Sirius was the brightest star but he could never be the brightest in Remus's life, that was Grant's job.
The words that Remus's hallucinations come back to his mind repeatedly as if it's telling him something, maybe it is but he's in denial over Egypt.
The words,
'find another moon to love'
'I promised I'll always be here, remember?'
It repeated over and over but where was Remus? The person who said those words wasn't there but gone. It's saddening, Sirius thought as he grips his pillow before throwing it onto the floor
Why? Was Remus going to find another star in the night sky? Was he.. No. That can't be. Sirius was the only brightest star Remus could find but he wasn't bright enough, was he?
What if.. Remus finds another star brighter than him? But why would he? Sirius was there. Right in front of him. He just can't remember. His mind is stuck in a spiral of despair and anxiety, unable to focus on anything but his heartbreak.
Why wasn't he good enough? Why wasn't he bright enough for Remus?
No, not good enough.
He was the brightest star, he was supposed to be the brightest star, the best.
So why didn't Remus stay?
He couldn't answer the question that lingered around the room. Maybe it was only his mind, he needed sleep. He has to, he lays back down on his bed and pulls the covers till his shoulders
He repeats the song Remus used to sing for him, he knew Remus hated singing it but he sang it anyway for Sirius.
'You're bright as the star in the night sky'
'The brightest star oh shining bright'
'The Moon will sing, admiring you from afar'
'Reaching out'
He loved that song, Remus never published it though. It was for him, it was his but he would sing it for him if it's not the Moon?
Sirius knew that it was affecting him badly. Remus wasn't dead, he just forgot his star, what could go wrong with that?
He closes his eyes, imagining Remus cuddling with him and that was his last thought.
Sirius is dead, have you forgotten?
Remus, he's dead.
Let him go.
None of this was real.
Your star is in the night sky, making it prettier.
The brightest star in the night sky.