“But lying is bad,” Harry said while Sirius was untangling the toddler’s seat belt.
“Yes, very bad but not if it means we can get you into this restaurant cheaper,” he stepped to the side so Harry could climb out of the car.
“It’s like a game, we pretend you’re five and then you get to eat as much food as you want,” he smiled at Harry and smoothed down his hair. “It’s a special for kids who start school,” he explained while Harry grabbed his hand and began dancing around on one foot, something he had recently started doing. “But I’m almost seven!” Harry said loudly while looking up at his uncle.
“Yes Harry,” Sirius scooped him up which made Harry giggle, “but tonight you’re five,” he grinned and then sat Harry back down on the pavement of the restaurant's parking lot. “Come on,” Sirius held out his hand, “we’ll watch for cars together”.
Sirius pushed open the heavy restaurant door and then smiled at the woman at the front desk. “Table for you both?” She asked and smiled at Harry who was standing a little off admiring a fake bamboo plant. “Yes.” Sirius smiled back at her while she was raising herself a little to look over the counter. “Right in the back there’s a few empty tables,” she pointed somewhere at the back where Sirius spotted one of the only remaining empty spots.
“It’s packed today,” she apologized but then smiled back at him. In the meantime, Harry had crouched down and picked something up from the floor that he was now examining as he walked back to Sirius. He began tugging at his jeans. The woman smiled at Harry who instantly went quiet and hid behind his guardian. “Did you find something?” The woman asked in a sickly sweet voice. Harry nodded shily. His tiny hand was clutching something small and for a second Sirius worried he had picked up another insect. He remembered a similar situation where Harry had picked up a gigantic beetle and then presented it to him and the other parents at the playground. Harry had looked so proud until the beetle, now being freed from the toddler's hand, suddenly spread its wings and disoriented as it was, flew almost into one of the other parents' faces.
This time however it wasn’t a bug but a shiny blue button that Harry presented just as proudly. “A button,” Harry explained and now smiled at the woman. “That’s a very nice button,” she acknowledged and smiled at Sirius. Harry smiled even wider now, proud of his discovery. He tugged at Sirius hand and Sirius nodded at the waitress and then he and Harry walked over to their seats.
A young man around Sirius age came by, asking what they wanted to drink. Sirius asked for water while Harry pleaded for juice or pop, but Sirius knew that if he drank anything sugary tonight it’d be hard to get him to fall asleep. “You can have juice mixed with water,” Sirius suggested but Harry made a pouty face. Their waiter tried to hide a smile behind his hand while he was pretending to scratch his cheek. Sirius caught him however and quickly smiled at him which made the other man’s eyes light up and he leaned down. “We have special juice with bubbles,” he said in a secretive voice and then winked at Sirius. Harry didn’t seem to notice and didn’t seem to understand that juice with bubbles was juice mixed with sparkling water. He hadn’t figured that one out yet. “We have orange juice or apple juice with bubbles,” the waiter now explained and Harry, who’s eyes had lit up at the prospect of getting something special, excitedly looked at Sirius. “Can I?” Sirius nodded as if this was a very serious deal. “Apple,” Harry then said decidedly, and the waiter shot one last confirming glance at Sirius who smiled in return. “Okay,” the waiter said while writing down their order. “Special apple juice and a bottle of water. Today is an all you can eat night, I’ll give you the bill and you pay for drinks and food at the front desk before you leave. You know about the special?” Sirius and Harry both nodded and Sirius actually grew a little nervous that Harry would tell on them, but Harry remained quiet. He was playing with the button he had found. “Then I’ll return with your order shortly”. The man smiled warmly, turned around and went over to another table to take one more order and then disappeared through the doors in the back.
While they were eating and going to the buffet, Sirius kept looking out for their waiter. He looked to be about his age, a handsome face with a nicely trimmed beard. Sirius wondered what his life was like. If he had a family, a wife or girlfriend or kids of his own. Ever since Harry had started living with him, Sirius felt a little like he had lost his old life and he often found himself wondering about other people’s situations. He had won so much, had a place that felt like home because there was someone waiting for him, he had taken on responsibility he had never had before and was now caring for himself and someone who really needed him and he knew it was good, that Harry was stabilizing him and forcing him to take care of himself. But he had lost that freedom he had had before and he had lost two of his best friends, a loss he still hadn’t gotten over. When he met strangers now it felt so surreal seeing them living their lives. Even though he knew that it was impossible for him to tell what their lives looked like, he still felt so alienated from them. His life had turned around in one night and he still couldn’t wrap his mind around it all, couldn’t make sense of the fact that two people can exist one second and be gone the next , leaving behind a child that would never get to know them, would never remember them the way Sirius did.
Sirius pulled himself back from those gloomy thoughts, when Harry eventually gave up on eating his last chicken nugget and pushed the plate over to him. He had been so distracted with eating, that Sirius hadn’t really had to be all that present in the moment but now he had to come back to reality. The restaurant had almost cleared out completely and it had already gotten late for all the children that were still remaining. Things were finally a little quieter and Sirius noticed most of the children were yawning by now. “Full?” Sirius asked and Harry nodded. He looked tired and there was oil and spices smeared all over his face. Sirius took one of the paper towels and gave it to Harry. “For your face. Are you tired?” Harry nodded tiredly. He hadn’t even played with the other kids which Sirius somewhat regretted. He worried about Harry and how well he himself was dealing with his parents’ death. Even if he felt like a helicopter parent, he'd occasionally ask Harry’s teachers how he was doing and although they said he seemed fine, Sirius knew that there was sadness hidden below it all. Maybe he should get the boy to a therapist.
Harry aggressively rubbed over his face resulting in him spreading the dirt around his mouth rather than cleaning himself up. When he was done, he looked at Sirius proudly. “You still have a bit below your nose,” Sirius smiled and took another paper towel from the dispenser on their table. He leaned over and cleaned up Harry’s face carefully. He'd have to actually wash his face once they got home. When he was done, he leaned back as if examining a painting and then smiled. “All done,” he said and nodded and Harry nodded back at him, business-like, something Sirius thought he might have picked up on tv. “I’ll finish your nugget and then we can leave,” he said while looking out for a waiter.
Sirius looked around a little lost. He hadn’t seen their waiter in a while but as he thought about taking Harry to the bathroom to thoroughly clean his hands and face, the door opened and the waiter from earlier stepped out, locking eyes with Sirius.
Sirius smiled at him and raised his wallet, which the waiter nodded at before turning around to a young woman that had addressed him on one of the other tables. She evidently wanted to leave as well, no wonder since her daughter was slumping down in her chair looking even more tired than Harry, whose eyes seemed dangerously close to falling shut any moment now.
Sirius drank the remaining juice in Harry's glass, told him they would leave in a few moments and then cleaned his face once more until finally the waiter returned. He gave them their bill and wished them a good evening, winking at Harry which the young boy tried to replicate, miserably failing. He hadn’t figured out how to wink yet and every attempt usually made Sirius almost lose it at how ridiculous he looked, squinting until frustratedly giving up.
He noticed that Harry had forgotten his button the moment he had started the car because Harry began to cry. Sirius took a second to catch his breath, left Harry in the car and sprinted back to the restaurant. All of that for a stupid button. The woman at the front desk looked at him surprised when he went in through the front door again but remembered the button when he quickly explained it all to her. “It’s probably still on your table,” she said and Sirius hurried on towards the restaurant. Their table had already been cleared and the waiter from before was clearing another table nearby. “Sorry,” Sirius asked, a little out of breath. “Did you find a button?” He truly felt stupid for asking this. Who ran back to a restaurant for a lost button?
A wide smile spread on the waiter’s face and he nodded much to Sirius' relief. “Yeah,” he sat down his tray and searched through his pockets, taking out a few pens and a small coin, placing all the items on the table in front of him until he pulled out the button. “Here it is,” he smiled at Sirius who thanked him profusely. “You saved my evening especially with that juice,” Sirius smiled. He regretted that he didn’t take his wallet back inside with him. He should have given the guy a bigger tip.
...
Sirius was nervous. He hadn’t been out drinking in so long, mainly because he hadn’t wanted to give Harry to anyone, but it was Marlene's (late) birthday after all and Harry was with Dorcas because she hadn’t been feeling well. “The night belongs to us,” Marlene smiled and raised her glass. She was already decently drunk which reminded Sirius of how things used to be, making his chest only ache a little this time. Everyone was there, everyone except for the Potters and Dorcas of course. He raised his glass to himself and Marlene and silently sent a prayer up to heaven or wherever, hoping Lily and James were doing alright and were okay with how he was raising Harry.
He took a deep gulp from his beer and then yelled over the chatter in the bar. “Gotta check on Harry.” Marlene leaned in closer as if she hadn’t understood and he mouthed Harry and then she rolled her eyes but nodded. “Don’t worry,” she shouted over the noise, but she pointed outside and smiled. “Go go, but don’t be surprised if Dorcas is annoyed.” He left outside and checked his phone. No new messages but he wanted to make sure. Harry would have to go to bed soon and he wanted to make sure Dorcas remembered.
While he was holding the phone to his ear, waiting for Dorcas to pick up, he heard the door of the bar open and close. “Yes, it’s his bedtime, I know,” he heard Dorcas at the other line. “I’m sorry,” he laughed. “I just wanted to make sure. If he doesn’t sleep, he’s gonna be cranky all day,” he said and turned around to lean on the wooden banister that was going around the bar. “We watched a movie, not Bambie,” she quickly added “and then he fell asleep, and I transferred him to the guest bedroom. He can stay over by the way, the offer still stands,” she said but Sirius declined. “He’s been having nightmares lately. I don't want him to wake up at yours.” He felt the breeze pick up and there was the smell of cigarette smoke drifting over. He'd kill for a cigarette right now. “Okay well he’s asleep so there’s no need to worry and now go back, have fun,” Sirius smiled at Dorcas' lecture. “And don’t you dare call again. You’re young, get drunk, enjoy the night, meet a nice girl or boy,” she said and laughed. Sirius scoffed. “Shut up,” he said playfully while he tried to figure out who was smoking. Maybe he could bum a cigarette. “I’m just saying, you don’t sound drunk enough yet,” she teased him. “Kinda had to mellow out after Harry,” he mumbled. “Besides as you know I always seem sober,” he rubbed his eye. God he was getting tired, and it wasn’t even that late yet. “Whatever, have fun for once,” Dorcas joked and then she added a quick “Night” and hung up. Sirius looked at the phone a little puzzled at the sudden goodbye but then sighed and put it back into his pocket. He knew Dorcas just wanted the best for him, but he felt like sometimes she was inconsiderate. She seemed to have gotten over her friend’s death way too fast. But he knew everyone grieved differently, he had read it in pretty much every single self-help book, so who was he to judge.
A man emerged from the shadows to his right, a lit cigarette in his hand. He looked vaguely familiar though Sirius couldn’t quite place him until the man opened his mouth. “You’re the button kids dad,” the man said factually and put out his cigarette on the trashcan near Sirius. Sirius winced at being called dad. He should be used to it by now but somehow he'd probably never grow used to it. Whenever he heard it, James’s face flashed before his eyes. But he had given up on correcting strangers. It wasn’t worth the whole backstory, especially not the whole “I’m sorry” and “May they rest in peace”.
He scoffed but smiled. Of course he’d meet that guy here. “You’re the waiter.” He looked at him as he finally recognized the man and nodded to himself. “I owe you a tip,” he remembered, which made the man smile. “You could buy me a drink,” he said in a playful way that made Sirius's stomach flutter. He smiled at the man. “My names Sirius, the kids named Harry. He lost the button on the playground the next morning.” The stranger laughed warmly. He had a nice laugh, lively and uncontrolled. A dark but smooth voice that made his laugh distinct. Sirius would probably recognize it everywhere. “Remus,” the man now said and held out his hand. “So, are you gonna buy me a drink or not?”
They talked almost all night, only interrupted a few times by Marlene or the other guests. The Pettigrew’s came by around midnight to say goodbye and Remus, who Sirius had been forced to introduce by Marlene, seemed to be taken in by the group instantly. Peter drunkenly invited him out to go for a drink some other time which Remus agreed to with a side glance at Sirius. It was the Pettigrew’s leaving, that reminded Sirius of how late it was but even then, Remus and him kept talking for almost two hours although they had both agreed to leave.
Remus was 27, a few months younger than Sirius, had just finished his masters in English and was a substitute teacher at a private school where he taught English and History. He hoped he’d be an actual teacher the following year but since he was just a substitute and not yet working full time, he was working as a waiter on the side. He was born in the countryside and hated London but the job at the private school had been the first good opportunity in a while and if he was honest, the outskirts of London were alright. He was living alone in a small apartment that wasn’t too expensive. Luckily his landlord, an old lady who had been friends with his grandfather, had lowered therent for Remus so he could actually afford living there until his position at the school would change.
In the end, Sirius left with Marlene to pick up Harry and Remus was kind enough to offer to drive them. He hadn’t been drinking much and had to go to the same part of town. When he offered, Marlene whistled in acknowledgement and winked at Sirius whose cheeks instantly turned pink. Remus pretended not to notice and instead involved Marlene in small talk that quickly turned into her talking about Dorcas. They had moved in together recently and she was still in that Honeymoon phase, how James would have called it. Besides her job and their cat, Dorcas was all Marlene talked about. Sirius was sitting in the back and occasionally caught Remus' eyes searching his in the mirror and smiling at him, whenever Marlene mentioned Dorcas.
They had talked about the Potters eventually and Remus had impressed Sirius by not reacting the way people usually did. The first thing he asked was how Harry was dealing with it, right after asking how Sirius was managing. Sirius thought about this on their way to pick up Harry. The question was so intimate that if anyone else had asked it, it would have felt intrusive. But it hadn’t felt like that with Remus. He decided to blame it on the alcohol lowering his inhibitions but he himself felt warmth spread in his stomach whenever Remus smiled at him in the mirror, a warmth he couldn’t blame on the alcohol alone.
Harry was sleepily looking up at Remus, his forehead all wrinkled up as he was trying to remember why Remus was so familiar. “Hi Harry,” Remus said and smiled at Harry who smiled back while his eyes were already halfway closed. Sirius lifted him up a little further to adjust his sock that had rolled off dangerously far and then smiled at Remus. It had started to rain heavily when Sirius had climbed up the stairs to get Harry. His little backpack was already packed up and waiting on the stairs when Marlene had pushed open the door and invited Remus inside. At first, Sirius had insisted on riding the bus but then Marlene had checked the timetable and they had realized that it was too late by now and there was no bus for him to take. “I can drop you off,” Remus offered while Sirius was contemplating if he should just stay over at Marlene and Dorcas. Drunkenly, Marlene answered for him before he could even object and he also didn’t want to say goodbye to Remus yet if he was honest with himself.
“I think he already fell back asleep,” Sirius whispered as he sat down in the front seat next to Remus. Remus leaned forward a little and then nodded. “I think so,” he whispered back. He looked a little afraid as if he really didn’t want to wake Harry up. He turned down the radio and then started the car, waving at Marlene who was standing in the doorway. Sirius knew exactly what she was thinking right now, and he couldn’t even blame her.
When they pulled up at his place, Remus looked at him expectantly. “I uh,” he shot a worried look at Harry but Harry was still asleep, so he continued just above a whisper, “do you wanna go drinking again? Or go get a coffee or something?” Sirius' heart started to beat a little faster. Yeah, he’d like that. But he was uncertain of how all of this would develop. “Sure,” he smiled at Remus who looked a little defeated for a moment. His expression fell and his voice suddenly lowered almost unnoticeably, losing its initial warmth when they quickly discussed possible dates.
That night, Sirius put Harry to bed, brushed his teeth and kept rereading Remus' text. Just got home, hope Harry will sleep soundly. Sirius laid down on his bed and then typed a Will text you when he stands in my doorway like a serial killer, turned on his alarm and then closed his eyes.
They met a few times here or there, never hanging out for long though because of their busy schedules. They had agreed to both take a day off and meet then, but a few days before their scheduled days off, Sirius had to cancel unexpectedly because Harry got sent home with a fever. He himself couldn’t even go to work and now was stuck at home, checking in on Harry while working on some plans for their newest build. It was a difficult project and he was thinking about how best to fulfil the customers wishes. The company he was working at was remodelling vans and campers and building tiny houses. He was lucky that he could work from home. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been able to take care of Harry but still, working with a sick kid around was not ideal.
The sound of an incoming text message disrupted him even further. Sorry to hear he’s sick. If I came over and dropped off 2 kg of apples, what would you do?
Sirius laughed. Why do you have 2 kg of apples? he pressed the send button and then returned back to his work but he kept looking over at his phone.
The screen lit up and his phone repeated the buzzing sound. I actually have 4, the text read. Or more, another text popped up. He saw that Remus was typing and then There's this tree my landlady planted 100 years ago and now we have 100 kg of apples that I don’t want to go to waste. Sirius laughed again. Harry loved applesauce. He wouldn’t say no to free food anyway. But would he really invite Remus over? It felt so much like a couple activity, cooking together, standing around in the kitchen and- no Remus would never. He was just being nice. A nagging doubt spread in Sirius chest. He kinda liked Remus. Actually, really liked. He had never officially come out to anyone, they had just always known that he liked boys too but because he had never dated a boy before, he didn’t know how this worked. He had had a crush on James once and he had had a special kind of love for him all the time. More than brotherly love but it had lost that romantic tinge. James had been the first boy he had actually crushed on and he remembered how confused he had been back then in their first year when they had just become friends, when they were still just little boys who didn’t even think about girls. Maybe he should invite Remus over. Even if Remus didn’t like him like that, he might still make a special friend again just like he had with James.
He gathered all his courage and then began typing. Wanna come over and make applesauce? He sent the text and almost instantly a I’d love to popped up on the screen. He sighed in relief. He'd have to clean the kitchen before though.
They decided on four o’clock, Remus had a free day today, but Sirius wanted to finish some work before Remus would arrive. And he also needed to tidy up a little.
...
Remus texted him instead of ringing the bell. “I didn’t want to wake Harry,” he said sheepishly when Sirius opened the door. Remus was carrying two big bags that looked pretty heavy. They were filled with red apples, a kind Sirius didn’t recognize, but when they later began cutting them into chunks and he tried one, he found them to be very tasty. Even better than what you’d get in the store.
“You have a big kitchen,” Remus remarked and emptied a bowl into the giant pot Sirius had been given by Euphemia Potter a long time ago. He had barely ever used it but she had said it’d come in handy some day and because Sirius had nobody else providing him with used kitchenware when he had moved out, he had taken the pot thankfully. “And a big pot,” Sirius added and in turn emptied his bowl of sliced up apples. Remus laughed. “Thank god you do, I only have two pots and the biggest barely fits spaghetti.” Sirius smiled to himself. Remus looked so content slicing apples at the kitchen table it was as if the man already belonged into the kitchen. “It was gifted to me by Harry’s grandmother when I moved out,” Sirius said and glanced over at the cleaned plates drying off on the drying rack near the stove. “Most of my kitchenware was.”
Remus grabbed another apple and began cutting it in half. “You never talk about your parents,” he said carefully but just by the way his eyes were scanning Sirius' face, Sirius knew Remus was aware that this might be a touchy subject. “Yeah,” he said bitterly. This was a real mood killer. But he tried to hide that as best as he could and instead removed the skin of another apple. They had made their way through one bag already and the pot was starting to fill up. “My parents and I didn’t get along,” he explained. “I moved out really early because of that but they didn’t support that decision.” He looked over at Remus who nodded slowly. He made a dark face and Sirius felt like he was about to say something but then decided not to. They got quiet for a while; the only sounds were the knives slicing through apples.
“My parents and I didn’t either,” Remus finally broke the silence. “It took them a while to come around to my life decisions and accept me,” he added bitterly. Sirius wondered what life decisions those were, but he didn’t want to intrude. Besides, when someone is that vague, they will usually just explain themselves further. He looked at Remus expectantly who was apparently done cutting the apples. There were only a few remaining in the bag but Sirius had decided to keep some to eat fresh, so they were almost done with the preparations. “I came out as gay when I was 16, they didn’t like it,” Remus suddenly said. He looked at Sirius for a moment but quickly averted his eyes. He seemed to brace himself for a remark, but Sirius didn’t know what to say. He knew he should say something though. “You said they came around?” Remus nodded and looked a little relieved that Sirius had not said anything bad. Though Sirius felt like there could have been something else, something better he should have said. “Yeah, eventually they did,” he seemed relieved that they continued talking as casually as they had before. “Took a while though,” he added and began collecting all the apple seeds and waste that had fallen beside the cutting board and bowl. He carefully placed them into a second bowl on the table that had been reserved for waste while Sirius lifted the heavy pot onto the stove and then put on the lid. They’d cook the apples now until they’d go soft so there wasn’t much to do, they’d just have to check from time to time. He'd also have to check on Harry. He turned on the stove while contemplating what to do now. This was his chance. Remus liked men too and had obviously approached the subject to let Sirius know.
“Remus,” he said and turned around. Remus looked at him worriedly. His eyes were glistening a little and Sirius could almost feel the wave of anxiety washing over the other man. Sirius opened his mouth but didn’t know what to say so he closed it again. He suddenly felt like he was back in high school. “Are we hanging out as friends or as more?” Remus seemed to wince at that awkward phrasing which in turn made Sirius wince a little as well. He could have asked this a bit more smoothly, but he wasn’t used to these kinda things. The last time he had had this kind of conversation was when he had been 19.
“I uh,” Remus sank onto his seat. “I felt like there might be more on your side, but I wasn’t sure so-” he left the sentence hanging in the air between them. Sirius sighed. He wasn’t sure if this was relief or nervousness or everything at once. He wasn’t sure of anything right now. He was still standing by the stove, the kitchen table separating him from Remus, a space he wished wouldn’t exist. “There is,” he said. His heart was beating in his throat and there was a rush of excitement suddenly. He was still awkwardly standing in the kitchen, there was still that weird space between him and Remus but he saw the smile erupt on Remus face that was mirroring his own. “Okay,” Remus said gently but his smile widened even further. Behind Sirius, the water in the pot began to bubble up from the heat of the stove that was now radiating and filling the kitchen with warmth he had never felt before. “Okay,” Sirius smiled and turned around to turn down the stove.