Kacey
James sat in the corner of the bakery, a steaming cup of coffee cradled between his hands. He gazed at the door, eyes flicking nervously to the clock on the wall. Kayce was always late. It had become routine, a part of their relationship that James had grown to expect, even if it never made the waiting any easier. His stomach twisted with the familiar anxiety that crept in every time he found himself like this, hoping for something different, something that would make him feel… something.
James sipped his coffee, the warmth of the mug offering a brief comfort. He leaned his head on his hands, elbows resting on the table, staring at the door, willing Kayce to walk through it. The soft clink of a cup in the distance, the hum of the bakery's overhead lights, all of it felt so distant as his mind wandered, caught somewhere between the lingering thoughts of Regulus and the hollow space Kayce could potentially to fill in his life.
Then, the bell above the door jingled, and James’ heart lurched. Kayce stepped inside, a quick, almost apologetic glance in his direction. His boyfriend’s eyes swept over the small bakery, looking for him with that slightly strained expression James had come to know all too well.
But when their eyes met, James couldn’t shake the feeling that something was missing. The twist in his stomach deepened, and he hated himself for it. The sense of emptiness was undeniable.
Kayce finally made his way over, his smile warm, but it didn’t reach his eyes. "Sorry I'm late," he said, sliding into the chair opposite James. "Traffic was awful."
James forced a smile, nodding. "No worries." His voice felt hollow, like the words were coming from somewhere far away.
Kayce settled into his seat, a smile spreading across his face as he looked at the menu. He was always so animated when he spoke about his favorite foods. “I think I’ll get the cinnamon rolls. You know, the ones here are just perfect,” he said, glancing up at James as if expecting a reply.
James offered a soft nod, trying to engage in the conversation. "Sounds good," he replied, though his attention was drifting. He let Kayce continue talking, his voice a comfortable hum in the background as James found himself studying him.
Kayce’s skin was pale, smooth, almost porcelain under the white light of the bakery. His hair, black and neatly combed, framed his face in a way that was different from what James was used to. It was sharp, polished, a striking contrast to the wild, unruly curls Regulus had. Kayce’s eyes were blue pale, clear blue, like the sky on a crisp day, just like Regulus, but they didn’t have the same depth as Regulus’s eyes, the ones that held a thousand secrets.
James couldn’t stop comparing them. It was like an instinct he couldn’t fight. Kayce’s face was heart-shaped, delicate in a way that didn’t mirror the sharpness of Regulus’s diamond-shaped jaw. Kayce’s lips were slim, a soft pale pink, while Regulus’s were full, always slightly pursed as if he were on the verge of saying something important. Kayce’s eyes were almond-shaped. Regulus’s were more sleepy, heavy-lidded, like he’d just woken up from a long, dream-filled nap.
James swallowed the rising lump in his throat and tried to focus on Kayce, on what he was saying about the cinnamon rolls, but his mind kept wandering. The image of Regulus's face, his eyes closing as he kissed James so urgently, so desperately, it wouldn’t leave him. He had kissed James back, and now, a week later, the memory was still messing with him, lingering in his senses like a drug he couldn’t kick.
He felt bad for thinking about Regulus right now, especially with Kayce sitting across from him, looking at him expectantly. He should be present, should be enjoying the time with his boyfriend, not lost in the haze of a memory. But the truth was, the thought of Regulus was overwhelming, and no matter how hard James tried, he couldn’t erase it. The warmth of Regulus’s lips on his, the way his body had melted into James’s arms, it all felt too vivid, too real.
“James?” Kayce’s voice broke through his thoughts, soft and uncertain. “Did you hear me?”
James blinked, looking up, trying to push the thoughts of Regulus away. “Sorry, yeah, I did. Cinnamon rolls sound great.”
Kayce smiled, his expression softening. James couldn't help but feel like something was missing, like there was a space between them he couldn’t quite fill. He smiled back, but it didn’t reach his eyes. His thoughts were elsewhere, and for once, he wasn't sure if they could ever truly be in the same place again.
The waitress arrived with a warm smile, taking Kacey’s order for a cinnamon roll and a cappuccino. As she walked away, Kacey mumbled, mostly to himself, “I swear, this job has me working like crazy. Every time I think things are getting easier, they just pile on more.”
James gave a distracted nod, barely registering his words as his gaze drifted out the window. His mind was elsewhere, lost in thought.
When the waitress returned with the order, James absentmindedly took a sip of his coffee, savoring the warmth. He sighed, trying to push his thoughts aside for a moment. He needed to focus on the present, on Kacey. After a beat, Kacey looked at him, a small frown tugging at his lips. He leaned forward slightly, his voice soft but heavy with emotion. “I miss being with you, babe." Kacey murmured. “It feels like we haven’t really spent any time together this week.”
James met his gaze, the words sinking into him deeper than he expected. He gave a small nod but didn’t quite know how to respond. Instead, he tried to push through the discomfort, not wanting to show how much Kacey’s words affected him.
“I got fired,” James blurted out after a beat, his voice low.
Kacey blinked, visibly surprised. “Again?” he asked, his tone a mix of disbelief and concern.
James leaned back in his seat, taking a slow sip of his coffee before responding, his gaze drifting to the window. “Yeah.” he said, his voice flat.
In his mind, it wasn’t a big deal to him. He hated those jobs, each one a drag, and he couldn’t care less about losing them. But he didn’t say that to Kacey. Kacey wouldn’t understand. Instead, he shifted in his seat, forcing a neutral tone. “Honestly, it feels like a weight’s been lifted off me. I didn’t want any of those jobs anyway.”
Kacey’s brows furrowed in response, his lips parted as if he was about to speak, but James quickly cut him off.
“You know, it’s fine,” James added quickly, trying to brush it off. “I’ll figure something out.”
But as Kacey nodded, James couldn’t shake the feeling that no matter what he did, he’d never feel any connection to any of those jobs.
Kacey’s face softened, though his eyes reflected a bit of confusion. “You’re not happy, are you?”
James shook his head, staring into his coffee. “Not really.”
Kacey shifted in his seat, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. “Well, I could probably get you a job at my place. We could work together. Spend more time together, you know?”
James’s stomach churned at the suggestion. The idea was tempting on the surface, but the thought of working with Kacey didn’t sit well with him.
“I don’t know,” James replied carefully, taking another sip of his coffee to avoid meeting Kacey’s eyes. “Maybe, we'll see."
Kacey leaned forward, his eyes shining with excitement. “You know, I’ve been thinking…” His voice was almost too cheerful, too eager. “What if we moved in together? You know, it’d help you save some money while you’re between jobs, and we’d get to spend way more time together.” He smiled at James, his hands resting on the table as if the idea was the most natural thing in the world.
James’s stomach twisted painfully at the thought. The idea of Kacey in his tiny apartment felt suffocating. His apartment, his sanctuary, wouldn’t feel like his anymore. Kacey in my kitchen, he thought, Kacey touching my books, Kacey in my bed… The image was almost overwhelming, like his private space was being invaded. He’d never even thought of Kacey in that way, and the very idea of it made his chest tighten. He couldn’t imagine it, he just couldn’t.
But how could he explain that? How could he even put it into words when he didn’t fully understand it himself? His heart raced, a tight knot settling in his stomach. It didn’t feel like betrayal, it felt like something deeper, something he couldn’t even name.
Kacey, oblivious to James’s discomfort, kept talking. “We could be together all the time, James! No more waiting for weekends. It’d be perfect! Plus, you could save some money, get on your feet. It would just make everything easier.”
The more Kacey talked, the more James felt like he was being suffocated. His mind was screaming, but his mouth wouldn’t move. He forced himself to listen to Kacey’s words, tried to latch onto something that made sense, but nothing was sticking. The thought of moving in with Kacey? It felt wrong. But how could he say that out loud? How could he explain that to Kacey without sounding like he was rejecting him?
James cleared his throat, trying to push his discomfort aside. “Are you sure about this?” His voice came out hesitant, quieter than he meant. “I mean, don’t you think it’s... kind of fast?” He looked down at his coffee, trying to find something to focus on, something other than Kacey’s smile, which now seemed so full of hope. It was like Kacey was looking at him like he was the answer to everything. And James? James felt like he was drowning.
Kacey just chuckled softly, shaking his head. “Fast? James, we’ve been together almost seven months! I thought that was plenty of time. Besides, it’s just a test run, right? A trial before we really make the commitment.” He raised an eyebrow playfully, like it was a no-brainer. "I think we’re both ready for this. It'll be perfect, like a trial before the real thing."
James’s stomach flipped. Marriage? Was Kayce talking about marriage? Or was he reading too much into it? The thought hit him like a cold wave, and his breath caught in his throat. Marriage? He wasn’t ready for that. He couldn’t even wrap his head around the idea of it, especially not when his mind was still tangled with Regulus, with everything they shared, even just a week ago. Regulus’s lips, the way he kissed him, the fire between them, it all came rushing back. James’s heart hammered in his chest, and he felt sick at the thought of binding himself to Kacey for the rest of his life when he had all those dirty thoughts about Regulus.
No. No, he couldn’t do that.
He tried to force a smile, but it felt like it was stretching the muscles in his face, pulling his lips taut. He opened his mouth, trying to find words, but everything felt wrong. How could he explain this to Kacey when the idea of a future with him wasn’t something he could even picture?
Kacey leaned in, concern flickering in his eyes. “What’s wrong? You’re so quiet. Don’t you like the idea?” His voice was gentle but insistent. “It’s a huge step forward for us. We’ll be able to see each other more, and I really think it’s the perfect thing for us.”
James swallowed hard. His throat felt thick, like he couldn’t get any air. He was suffocating under the weight of it all. He wanted to scream, to tell Kacey that it wasn’t right, that everything felt off... but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to hurt Kacey, didn’t want to make him feel like this was all a mistake. He wanted to be honest, but the words wouldn’t come.
He nodded, his voice tight and strained. “Yeah, I guess… I guess we need to think about it.”
Kacey’s smile grew wider, like he’d won a victory. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now,” he said, his voice full of confidence. “This is the perfect solution for us. It’s a big step, but it’s the right one. We’ll be living together, and then when we’re ready, we can think about... the next step. Trust me, James. I’m confident this is the best thing for us.”
James’s mind spun. His head felt heavy, his heart a tangled mess of confusion and dread. And even amidst all those thoughts he was still haunted by Regulus, still feeling the burn of the kiss they’d shared, still feeling alive in a way that Kacey’s steady presence couldn’t reach.
But he couldn’t say that. He couldn’t tell Kacey that he was still caught between two worlds. So instead, he did the only thing he could: he deflected.
“Yeah... I just... I need to think about it a bit more. It's a big decision,” he said, his voice quieter now, like the words were choking him.
Kacey, still full of optimism, nodded eagerly. “Of course. Take your time, babe. But we both know it’s the right choice.”
James forced a smile, but the anxiety was still there, churning in his stomach. He didn’t know how much longer he could keep pretending that everything was okay. Because it wasn’t. And he wasn’t ready for it. Not with Kacey. Not when all he could think about was someone else.
...
The living room was hazy with smoke, the scent of weed thick in the air. The four of them: James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter, were sprawled around the living room, passing a joint between them. The record player in the corner hummed low, some David Bowie tune playing in the background, and James felt loose, his limbs heavy, his mind buzzing.
“So,” he exhaled slowly, watching the smoke curl toward the ceiling, “Kacey wants to move in.”
Sirius, who was slouched back against the couch, lazily took the joint from James and took a deep drag. “Huh,” he muttered. “Big step.”
Remus, sitting cross-legged on the floor with a book he hadn’t touched in twenty minutes, raised an eyebrow. “How do you feel about it?”
James let out a breathy laugh, but there was no humor in it. “That’s the problem. I don’t think I’m ready.”
Peter, sprawled on the rug, took the joint from Sirius. “Why not? I mean, it makes sense, right? You’ve been together a while I mean that's very you.”
James ran a hand through his messy hair, staring up at the ceiling. His heart was beating faster now, the confession sitting heavy on his tongue, begging to be let out.
“I met someone.” The room went quiet, except for the faint crackle of the record. James could feel three pairs of eyes locking onto him, the weight of their attention making his chest tighten. He let out a slow exhale, rubbing his face.
“The most handsome man I’ve ever seen,” James continued, voice almost reverent. He wasn’t even high enough to soften the ache in his chest. “He’s... God, he’s unreal. The way he moves, the way he talks, the way he feels when you have him in your arms… It's surreal.”
Remus, who had just taken a sip of his drink, nearly choked. “Wait—what?” He coughed, staring at James like he’d grown a second head. “Tell me you didn’t.”
James dragged a hand down his face, then shook his head. “I did.” His voice dropped, almost guilty. “I kissed him.”
Sirius hummed, exhaling a slow stream of smoke. “And did you tell Kacey that?”
“No,” James admitted. “I don’t even know if I should.”
“You must definitely sh—” Remus said immediately.
“You shouldn’t,”
Peter cut in before Remus could finish, shaking his head as he passed the joint back to Sirius. “That’ll just hurt Kacey. What good does it do to tell him? It was just a kiss, right?”
James opened his mouth, but no words came. Was it just a kiss? Just a moment of weakness? A slip
No.
His throat went dry as he thought about it, the way his body had burned, the way his fingers had curled desperately into Regulus body, the way he had wanted, needed, to pull him closer, to take more, to drown in him.
“It wasn’t just a kiss,” James finally admitted, voice rough. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “It was, fuck, it was like something out of a dream. Like I’d been sleepwalking my whole damn life, and the second I kissed him, I woke up.” His hands clenched into fists, his pulse hammering in his ears. “I wanted to push him against the wall, drag him into some dimly lit alley, and do unspeakable things to him.”
A thick silence settled over the room. Sirius was staring at him, his expression unreadable. Remus was watching with something like concern, his brows drawn together. Peter, to everyone’s surprise, just took another long drag of the joint and exhaled slowly.
“Well,” Peter said casually, like they were discussing the weather. “I think you should go for it.”
Every head in the room snapped toward him.
“What?” Remus asked, his voice rising in disbelief.
Peter shrugged. “I mean, you’re clearly obsessed. Just get it out of your system. Go detox or whatever.”
Sirius barked out a laugh, shaking his head. “Wow, Wormtail, that’s the worst advice I’ve ever heard—” He stopped mid-sentence, his amusement fading as something horrifying dawned on him. His head snapped toward Remus, eyes wide with sudden concern.
“Wait.” He swallowed. “You’ve never actually taken relationship advice from Peter, have you?”
Remus, who had been rubbing his temples in exasperation, slowly lifted his head. He blinked at Sirius, then smirked. “Why? You scared of what he might’ve told me?”
Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Yes, now I am.”
Peter, entirely unbothered, took another slow drag of the joint and exhaled. “I give excellent advice, actually.”
“No, you really don’t,” Sirius shot back, still watching Remus like he might reveal some horrifying secret at any second.
“I was just about to ask you the same question.” Remus muttered, rubbing his temples.
James let out a long breath, slumping back against the couch. He wished it were that simple. Get it out of his system. Like Regulus was something he could purge, something that could be burned away if he indulged just once.
But deep down, he knew the truth.
One time wouldn’t be enough.
He feared nothing coming from Regulus would ever be enough.
James sank further into the couch, staring at the ceiling as the conversation drifted around him. The haze of smoke in the room did nothing to clear the storm in his head.
On one side, there was Kacey: steady, sweet, familiar. They had a good thing going. It was easy with Kacey. They rarely fought, they got along well enough, and Kacey liked him. That was important, wasn’t it? Kacey was security, something tangible and safe. He should want that.
But then there was him.
Regulus.
Regulus was wildfire, and James was standing too close, feeling the heat lick at his skin, daring himself to step in and let it consume him. He knew so little about him, but at the same time, he felt like he knew him. It didn’t make sense. How could someone who had only just appeared in his life feel like they had always been there? Like Regulus had been waiting in the background, like James had been searching for him without even knowing it.
It scared him.
Because if he gave in, if he took that step, he knew there would be no turning back. Regulus wasn’t the kind of mistake you could walk away from unscathed. He would sink his teeth into James, and James would let him.
But he had Kacey.
Kacey, who cared about him. Kacey, who wanted to move in together, who saw a future with him.
James exhaled slowly, rubbing a hand over
his face. He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what to pick.
And worst of all, he wasn’t sure if he even had a choice. Because deep down, he already knew where his heart was pulling him.