Being in Balance
Faircoivar slowly walked through the armory. Weapons of all sorts were stored there and they were searching among them. Gilriant had his glaive, Tauriel her bow along with swords for close fighting. Yet they had yet to find what fit this side of themselves that was everything, and at the same time nothing of both extremes. In truth, neither blade nor bow of any kind fit right in their hands.
Perhaps it was the intent of those weapons. A bared blade, an arrow aimed, acts of threat and aggression. That was not Faircoivar. Could they be destructive? Certainly but that was not what they were meant for. They were the power that cleared corruption. They were healing. They were the calm without any battle rage. Neither hostility nor aggression touched them. They could be in the Keeper state, but they were finding they did not need to be. They could just be. Perhaps they did not need to find a bladed weapon?
Turning away from blades and bows they moved to other areas of the armory. Shields, which in many ways they were but did not need to carry. Maces, of which very few elves ever wielded were not meant for them either. Nor were true-spears. Before Faircoivar could walk on, they spotted it. A practice staff leaning against the wall. It could be used as an early learning tool for many weapons. Yet was rarely something an elf wielded in an actual fight. But they were more than an elf. They were magic, and the istari that were after a fashion their cousins, wielded staffs.
When their hand closed on the staff an image appeared in their mind’s eye. The end of it would reach just above their eyebrows. The length looked like branches twisted together though Faircoivar knew it came from one piece of wood. One end was carved like roots and the other like leaves. The wood came from a branch of a mallorn tree. The kind that grew in Lothlorien. The trees born of the seeds Gil-Galad gave Galadriel to plant.
They knew this staff, and they also knew they were not ready for it. It was meant to act as a focus for the greater abilities they would one day be able to focus on. It was necessary for the same reason the Istar had their staff focus. Too much power would be disruptive here in Middle Earth in a way it was not in the Undying Lands. Faircoivar would not be ready for it for years to come. Not until after they laid claim to their second anchor, and their anchor to them. It could not be wielded, and would not be found, until that happened. The vision faded and once again they saw the practice staff they had reached for. Well, time to get to practicing.
In the practice yard they slowly moved through what forms they knew of staff fighting. They had learned many different types of weapons during their training. They were blessed when the glaive was easily learned by Gilriant. They were blessed as Tauriel when she picked up a bow. Faircoivar was not to be blessed with any weapon skill, including this one. Yet they also knew it was the right one. So they would just have to learn. It would help when they got something properly sized, but only a little.
“You do not seem to be at peace.” The quiet observation came from Elrond watching them from the fence. Not surprising that their brother showed up. He was highly attuned to when they Saw something. Even though it was not a large ripple, their brother still felt it. “Some would say peace is not without some conflict. Just without true violence.” Faircoivar continued to move through the forms at a slow speed. They would perfect them before speeding up.
“Too much conflict and peace will fail.” A faint smile formed on Faircoivar’s face. Their brother had a point. “True enough, but this is just a little conflict.” They had the feeling if it had reached the point of too much, this state of their being could not be maintained. “Discovering how to balance all aspects of myself does not always go smoothly. Discovery can at times be an abrupt thing, and change is often difficult even when embraced.”
“And you are going through many changes.” Elrond’s quiet observation made Faircoivar pause, grounding the end of the staff. “I am, yes.” They looked at their brother. “Some things are easier to adapt to than others.” Waving a hand at their body, “This is not the difficult part. What I have looked like on the outside has not always mattered or matched to what I felt on the inside. People still saw me. That was good.” That was the truth of it. The elves didn’t care how they presented themselves. The real adaptation with Tauriel had to do with how the body moved and the size they picked. “My fea is connected to my hroa, but my hroa could not reflect my fea at all times. Being able to change that, just made me more settled.”
Elrond inclined his head, “Then it is other things which have left you unsettled.” Clasping their hands together over the staff, they leaned against it, cheek pressed against their hand. “I am defining and redefining. What are the differences, and there are a few. Most things are the same. So why do I have the differences? Why does it matter, or does it not at all?” A faint smile formed on Faircoivar’s face. “I am in no rush to have an answer.” Their brother steadily regarded them. “From what you say, then you should not be unsettled.”
Trust Elrond to pick up on what they had yet to explain. Their brother was patient, observant, and knew them very well. “I Saw something that will be for my hand. It will not find me nor will I find it until after I have bonded to my second anchor.” At Faircoivar’s word, Elrond looked at the staff they held. “I see. Did this influence your choice of practice?” Their lips twitched into a stronger smile. “It did.” Elrond always was observant. Their smile faded away. “I am unsure what that means for me, or my place here.”
While it always had been obvious they were an agent that worked for the balance of Ea, this underscored that. The Valar sent the Istari in the fashion that they did in part because their powers could be considered too great and disruptive. Especially after what happened with Morgoth and Sauron. So limited by their shell but still granted some access to greater powers. To a certain extent their ability to tap into song to shape things already was a greater power. This might grant them more things in line with their wizarding life. They already had a great deal of power, to be granted access to more was slightly terrifying. Why did they need it, what would it even mean? Those are what the biggest concerns were and that is what they confessed to Elrond.
“Whatever happens, you will not stop being my sibling. I and the rest of our family will be here for you. It will not prevent Haldir or anyone else from being a part of the life you forge for yourself.” Even though Elrond’s response was reassuring, it made them lose their grip on their calm. It brought the side of them that was evident when they first met their brother to the forefront. The red bled away from his hair as his features subtly shifted. Moving to the fence they laid the staff against it before hopping over to fling their arms around Elrond. “Why is it that you always know what to say?” “Age and experience. Which you will gain in time. For now I want you to focus on enjoying your youth.”
Not an entirely unexpected response from his brother. From almost every elf he interacted with. “As much as I can. I promise you that big brother.” Elrond easily took his weight when Gilriant slumped some against him. “Some of what has been pushing me has eased. Putting my feet on the path and taking those first steps seems to have lessened the urgency. The weight is there, but not as heavy.” His brother continued to hold him. “I will help you carry that weight, however I can. We all will.”
*
“You are thinking too hard.” Tauriel lightly poked her friend in the forehead. Legolas swatted at her hand. He had been quiet, perhaps even jumpy to a certain extent and she didn’t like it. While true the archer did tend to be on the quiet side, but not so much when he was relaxed and comfortable in a space. “Have my nephews been picking on you? I would be happy to help you get even.” He shook his head and offered a slight smile. “No, though if you are going to embarrass them at archery again I would be happy to watch.”
“It was something I was thinking about,” She admitted. “They are usually practicing there this time of day and we will be heading back to the Greenwood soon. I have gotten enough of a start on what I need to do here.” Legolas studied her, his voice quiet. “I trust you will tell me when you are ready.” Sitting down next to him she bumped his shoulder with hers. “I will. I need to talk to you and your father about it as I am sure he is both going to have objections to it, and you accompanying me if you choose to do so.” Tauriel offered him a smile. “After all I did promise I would not leave you behind if I could help it.”
“It must be something dangerous, or will take you far beyond our borders.” That is what would be most likely to upset Thranduil after all. “Both, I am afraid. And my Atya is insisting on coming along.” That gave Legolas pause. It was clear from his past behavior that he had no issues with Maglor. It was equally obvious his father still held on to some ill will about the bard. “I see. Well I can hardly let you have all the fun without me.” The signs of the tension easing from his shoulders was a good sign, and one she was looking for.
“I’m sorry for taking so long to tell you.” His smile came even more easily. “No need. I know you will tell me when you are ready.” She smiled back. “Just as I know you will always listen.” For all of the impulsiveness the woodland prince could have, Legolas had a kind of patience she was learning. It was something she appreciated. Now to help him relax all the way.
“There is something I am not sorry for.” Legolas raised his eyebrows, “What is that?” Tauriel full on grinned and hopped up walking a few steps backwards. “This.” Quorking with laughter one of the ravens nailed him in the chest with one of the glitter bombs she had given them. He looked down at the green glitter that had burst and spread over him. “Well, you know what they say,” He started calmly. “Everything is more fun when you share it.” He jumped up from the bench even as she laughed brightly and started to flee.
Tauriel was fast, and knew Imladris better than he did. Still the woodland prince was hot on her heels. She knew if she faltered a second he’d catch up and would catch her up in a hug just to spread the glitter over her too. So she couldn’t waste a single movement as she kept a few steps ahead of him. It would be worth it even if he did catch up with her, because he was having fun. But he probably wouldn’t because she did have a significant advantage.
Coming up on a bench she pushed up and off it to help her get air as Tauriel shifted into her raven self. While she did have a flicker of concern that it wouldn’t work as an elleth, it was groundless. Her wings beat in the sky and she quorked with laughter and joy. The surprised gasp behind her was curious as this was hardly the first time Legolas had seen the change into a raven. Then she realized out of her increased peripheral vision that her wings were white. Okay, he had a reason to be surprised as she nearly missed a beat of her wings over it.
Spotting Arwen she flew towards her wide-eyed niece who automatically held out an arm for her to land on. “Hello niece!” Studying her for a moment, the elleth broke into a wide smile. “Aunt, oh you look so lovely.” Arwen was intelligent and often quick to pick things up. It did not surprise her that she made the leap of logic and Tauriel quorked a laugh. “Clever bird.” “Why thank you.”
Looking over her shoulder Arwen called out, “Nana, you need to see this. Tauriel is leucistic as a raven.” Celebrain appeared in the courtyard, her eyes bright with interest. “Oh, same green eyes so not albino. Blue eyes are more common but we can put that down to Tauriel just being her own unique self.” Fluffing out her feathers she gave a quork in agreement. “Has Hedwig seen this?”
At her name the ice phoenix appeared above Celebrian, landing on the elleth’s shoulder. With a surprised trill Hedwig cocked her head as Arwen brought Tauriel over for inspection. After a moment she reached her neck out to try and preen the white feathers of her chick. Permitting her familiar to fuss over her as her niece laughed brightly. “It looks like you have her approval at the new appearance. Not that it was in doubt.”
Legolas burst into the courtyards, eyes locked on the white raven. He slowed his steps as Arwen took one look at him and burst out laughing. “Now I see why Tauriel shifted into a raven. She needed to make a quick escape.” A faint smile appeared on the ellon’s face as he looked at the elleth. “Yes, and I am well aware I have no chance of catching her now.” Shifting his gaze back to the raven he lifted his eyebrows. “Though it will not save you from my retribution, it will only delay it.” “You can try!” Tauriel quorked with more laughter. “Try nothing I have succeeded multiple times now, well you should remember.”
“If I promise not to try to get glitter on any of you, can I come closer?” Arwen hummed looking back at Celebrian. “What do you think Nana?” “Oh I think he deserves a better look considering he is the one that she was trying to get away from.” “Traitors!” The two elleth’s laughed at the raven’s response. “Now I did say I would not try to get glitter on any of you.” Stepping up he examined his friend’s new coloration. “You look beautiful in white feathers.” Legolas offered up his arm and after giving it a look, Tauriel stepped over to it.
“Well let us not put this glitter to waste, what do you say we find Haldir?” Cocking her head, the white raven quorked out, “I distract you hug?” A bright smile spread on his face. “Exactly so my friend, exactly so.”
Haldir was definitely surprised.
*
“No.” The elf in charge of the longest night celebration blinked in surprise at Gilriant’s flat out refusal. “But my Lord, you typically enjoy being part of the entertainment.” Inclining his head, the young elf agreed. “I do. But as I have told you multiple times, part of that night is private. So no, I will not be part of the main entertainment that night.” With how agreeable he’d been in the past, and how much he did enjoy being a part of things, the surprise was someone understandable. “But Lady Hedwig would be a perfect part of the celebration with her bright white light and how she sparkles so.” The fact he would not let this go was much less understandable. “I agree she would be perfect. However, I have already told you no.” “But . . . “
“I said No.” He let a trickle of power flow into the last words and the ellon shivered at the blast of cold. Hastily he gave a half bow. “Of course, my apologies. I will just go work on a different plan now shall I?” Gilriant gave him a sharp smile. “That seems like a good idea.” The ellon quickly moved off.
“Well, he certainly got the message. I doubt he will push past the first no next time.” Thranduil drawled as he moved up next to Gilriant. “While I do try to be easy going, I refuse to bend to another’s will just because they think it is a good idea. Especially not for something like that.” “And you should not,” The King responded easily. “Establishing your authority is an important thing. That you have taken the steps to do so is good.” He would always be a great deal younger than most of the elves. He needed them to see past his age. “Especially if it is of importance to you.” The young prince inclined his head, “It is.”
Regardless of where they were or what they were doing, listening to the stars during the deepest point of night was reserved for Haldir. As long as he was able to, Gilriant refused to consider anything else. “I will not be present for the entirety of the longest night festivities. Haldir and I have our own tradition to follow.” Thranduil studied the young prince. “As you did last year. Is this something you intend to continue through all of your life?” It wasn’t too difficult to pick up on what the King might also be asking. “Yes, that is for Haldir alone. When I bond to my second anchor I fully intend on having a tradition for them alone. I would hope they and Haldir would have things the two of them shared together without me. There will be plenty of things for all of us to share.”
He let Thranduil lapse into quiet as he considered Gilriant’s words. It was an atypical situation to say the least. However he always wanted to be clear that nothing and no one could supplant Haldir, only join with them. He also wanted to make it clear that they would be afforded the same respect and attention. Slightly different due to it being potentially a different type of relationship, but that is the only way the young elf wanted to differentiate it. “You have thought about this a great deal.”
“For all that I am not ready to court or be courted, yes I have. I prefer the truth of a matter to be laid bare.” Thranduil gave a slight nod. “So that all know and understand the expectations. Wise.” The King cocked his head, “And if someone decided they wanted to court you?” Gilriant lifted an eyebrow in response. “Then they would need to respect my wishes and wait. Build a friendship with me to show that I matter, and my needs and wants matter. If they cannot wait, then they are not the right one for me.” He would never let someone trample over his sense of agency or supercede their needs and desires to the detriments of his own ever again. Now it was time to change the subject.
“I do need to know what are the most important celebrations here. That way I can balance between Imladris and the Greenwood even when I spend time in the other havens.” That earned Gilriant a sharp look from Thranduil. “You intend to come back here for our celebrations?” The young prince gave him a puzzled look. “Of course, is this not my home too?” The King was clearly surprised by the expression on his face. “I did not know you felt that way.” Well this was an easy thing to clarify.
“The Greenwood sings to me, to my heart and soul. Which is not surprising considering how much of myself I put into building its protections. I need only close my eyes and I could connect to any tree within the wards I laid. It is a part of me now.” He gave Thranduil a soft smile. “Besides this is Legolas’ home. It is home for Maethel, Gondben, Ferdil, Erecthel, Amathleg and Roitaro. You are here.” He gave Thranduil a gentle smile. “I have been investing parts of myself into the Greenwood since shortly after my arrival in Imladris. This is as much home as there. I have no intention of giving up on the connections I have. I value them all.” In truth neither royal has been present when he explained his long term plans to his guards and Haldir. So in retrospect, the lack of clarity was on him.
“You have yet to visit the other elf havens, will you not feel a connection there?” The question was not without merit. “Lorthlorien holds Haldir’s family, so yes there is a connection there but it is not a place I could call home. While I have reconciled at least some of the issues I have with Lady Galadriel, I do not think I would ever be comfortable residing there long term.” Gilriant frowned slightly. “Which may be an issue as I do need to learn from her but I will try.” Granted long term for an elf was a much different scale than for a human. A decade could easily be considered very short term.
“Mithlond does hold great-grandfather, and I would very much like to spend time there. There is something about the boats and the ocean I feel drawn to that is not the sea-call elves can feel. Just another sense of belonging. However it also will not be home. Mithlond cannot be a part of me the same way the Greenwood is, or that Imladris is.” That was the simple truth of it. Gilriant had done short visits, both authorized and not, over time. Enough to know he did enjoy the port, and spending time with Cirdan. Yet it still wasn’t home.
“While there still are things and individuals I am adjusting to here, it will not change that fact.” Gilriant considered for a moment. “If you do not wish me to call the Greenwood home I will do my best to respect your wishes King Thranduil. Yet I think something about this place will always have a draw for me.” Some of the people here were his people too. He would respect those that belonged to his Uncle’s family and wished a part in protecting them as well.
Hedwig burst into the room, circling around and landed on Gilriant’s shoulder to preen his hair. After a short moment she gave a short hop over to Thranduil’s shoulder to do the same for him. “We can not forget you have Hedwig’s approval. That is a very important part of things. She would insist on coming back too.” The young elf gestured towards the King’s crown, which had white feathers she had woven in the branches along with the red berries that had already been there.
“Well obviously she has good taste. I cannot say the same for that flashy red and orange one of yours.” The lack of Fawkes name being used did not prevent Gilriant from knowing who he ment. “Oh, he likes the place well enough, he is just also looking after some people for me so that I do not feel too stressed.” The fire phoenix often kept Maglor company not just for the sake of friendship or for the bard’s benefit, but also for his son. “I get attached to people and when I do, I like to make sure they are okay.” Undoubtedly Thranduil would remember how often Hedwig had visited him over the years. “Neither of them like to go somewhere without me for very long, unless it is important to me.” Then his familiars considered it part of their responsibilities. “I see.”
Letting the King have a moment to just absorb the information Gilriant reached over to scratch along Hedwig’s crest. She gave a happy croon and leaned into his touch. Much of this was obviously new information to the older elf. Some reframed certain actions and behaviors from the past. “Not all of my family can reside here comfortably, if at all. It would not be fair to ask that of anyone. So I cannot and will not call this my only home.” Thranduil inclined his head at that. “However you will always have a home here as long as you wish it. Which I hope you always will.” Then he added, “It is Thranduil, for you. And for your Haldir. Titles can be saved for formal situations.”
That brought a smile on Gilriant’s face. While he had hoped that the King would permit that familiarity he expected it to take decades longer. “As you are always welcome to use just my name. You are well aware I do not care to stand on formality unless it is needful.” That got him a sniff from Thranduil. “Well that much has always been obvious. Especially considering the first sight I ever had of you was your retreat from a prank played on Lord Elrond’s sons.” That brought out a full on grin from the young elf as he dropped his hand from Hedwig.
“Well at least you knew from the beginning what to expect from me.” A long suffering sigh escaped the older elf. Which they both knew was just for show. “There has been a great deal more chaos in my life since I met you. Legolas certainly has been much more willful and wild.” That was more what he expected from Thranduil, at least on the surface. “However, he is also happier for it. For that I thank you.” Gilriant dipped his head, “I very much value his friendship. Having him in my life has made me happier as well.” “Of course it has, he is my son.” The pride shining through was both expected, and a beautiful thing to see.
“Now then, you wanted to know what the most important celebrations were here, correct? Obviously all of our celebrations are far superior, but if you insist on spending some in Imladris I can certainly help you decide the best ones to be here for.” GIlriant managed not to laugh. This definitely was along the lines he was expecting.