1973
Sirius has been distant. Remus could tell.
Living with someone for almost two years made it easier to notice these kinds of things. And Remus had grown into a professional at paying attention. Especially, it seemed, to Sirius.
He had grown used to sitting besides Sirius in Charms and Transfiguration. While Sirius usually opted to sit by James, they had changed the arrangements when it became obvious that Peter could use some help in Transfiguration which James was excellent at. Sirius would also sit next to him at Quidditch games where they went to support James who had become Gryffindor’s newest chaser. But for the past two weeks, Sirius had been sitting with Marlene in classes, next to Mary at games.
As he was bound to do, Remus worried. He knew that he wasn’t Sirius’ best friend. Not by a long shot, but Sirius was his. He had grown used to spending time with him and, now, missed his running commentary in class.
In the moments when he wasn’t panicking, he started to spend more time with Lily to avoid thinking about it altogether. But even as they sat next to each other in lessons, he could feel Sirius’ gaze burning a hole in the back of his neck.
“Remus!”, James stopped him as he was walking out of their potions lesson, “How’d you do in class?”
“All right,” he fell into step easily with James, as much as he was closer with Sirius, his friendship with James was amongst the things he treasured most. The other boy, always looking for ways to make their experience at Hogwarts even more magical, “Couldn’t do it without Lily, though. She’s ace at potions”
“Yeah, she’s amazing,”, the dreamy tone to James’ voice could be heard a mile away.
“At potions?”
“Huh?”, James seemed to realize too late what he had said, probably having spoken outloud without meaning too, “Oh, yeah. At potions”
“Hm”
“Do you think she’d mind helping me some? Before the exams?”
“Didn’t you get perfect marks on our last assignment?”
“It couldn’t hurt to study more, right?”, James smiled sheepishly, “C’mon, mate. I really don’t know what to do. She hates me”
They were approaching their dorm, finally done with classes for the day and Remus was not looking forward to running into Sirius and his uneasy stares.
“She doesn’t hate you,” Remus stopped them just outside the Fat Lady’s portrait lest they walk into the common room where everyone who mattered could hear their conversation, “She just doesn’t know you very well”
“I talk to her all the time,” James argued
“Telling her that she is aptly named because she is the prettiest flower around is not talking to her,” he explained softly, “Maybe try to give her some space. It also might not be helpful to go after Snape all the time, he’s her best friend.”
“And you’d know all about the importance of best friends, right?”, he hadn’t heard or seen Sirius coming their way. But when he turned around, he found him standing just outside the portrait.
The look on his face and the icy tone he had used sent a shiver down his spine. It was also the most Sirius had spoken to him in the past two weeks
“Um, what?”
“Nothing,” the other boy finally looked away, opting to address James who was standing just behind Remus’ shoulder and witnessing the interaction with a frown, “James, do you care for a flight?”
James must have nodded because, next thing he knew, they were leaving Remus behind and going outside for a broom flight around the grounds before dinner.
Remus spent the next hour going over what felt like every interaction he had ever had with Sirius, trying to find what he could have possibly done wrong.
He came up empty and decided that, as much as he hated confrontation, he had to ask if there was any hope of fixing their friendship.
Which is why, after a rather awkward dinner filled with glares and pointed comments, as the four gryffindors entered the common room and started heading for the stairs, Remus put a hand on Sirius’ arm urging him to stop.
The other boys, lost in conversartion did not seem to notice them falling behind.
Sirius looked at Lupin with a look so cold, Remus was sure he would never feel warm again. And he hesitated but, with a deep breath he decided to face up to the challenge.
“Can we talk?” At Sirius’ silence he added, “Please”
The other boy rolled his eyes but made a motion with his hand that Remus took to mean “lead the way”
Worried that someone might overhear or that things could turn nasty, Remus led Sirius to the small balcony that faced the Quidditch pitch.
Before he could say anything, and he had practiced precisely what he would say, Sirius looked at him and frowned.
“‘M surprised you want to talk about this here, in the moonlight ”
Remus froze. In fact, he was sure that time froze right along with him. It must have because it was the only possible explanation for how he was able to conjure up at least a thousand of the worst scenarios before Sirius had a chance to blink.
“W-what?”
“Don’t play dumb, Lupin,” Sirius seethed, “It’s not a good look on you.”
“Sirius, please, I-”
“You what?”, he was almost shouting now, though he seemed to get himself in check at the last secon, “You lied? You manipulated us into thinking that we were your friends? All when, in reality you are nothing more than a-”
“I’ll leave,” Remus interrupted, knowing that hearing whatever word Sirius would have chosen to describe his condition would break him, “I promise I’ll leave. I’m sorry, Sirius. I understand if you need me to go. I’ll pack my things tonight, I’ll swear you’ll never see me again”
Sirius took a step back, then. Surely wanting to put some space between them. It made sense to Remus, then, why Sirius had made an effort the past few weeks to spend as little time as possible with him. He was disgusted, probably. Scared.
Remus thought he would be lucky if Sirius let him go without causing a scandal that forced him to register.
“What the hell are you talking about?”, Sirius’ eyebrows were creased to a point that would have been comedic if Remus wasn’t living through a nightmare.
“I’m- what are you talking about?”
“You are a werewolf”
“Yes”, he couldn’t grasp what Sirius was getting at. The panic clawing once again at him, “and I’m sorry, please just let me go”
Sirius looked him up and down then, a single brow raised, “You didn’t let me finish”
He closed his mouth, again. And nodded shakily so Sirius could say whatever he needed to.
“You are a werewolf,” he repeated, “and a shit friend”
“Sorry?”
“You should be”, Sirius approached the handrail, he looked out onto the Quidditch pitch for a second as if he couldn’t even look at Remus, “and now you say you’ll leave? Why would you even do that?”
“I just-“, Remus approached him the way one might approach a wounded animal. As much as he would hate to be referred to as such, there was a lot of woundedness in Sirius, “I understand if you don’t want me to be here. If you think I’m a monster.”
“First of all, I don’t care that you’re a werewolf”
“What?”
“I mean, obviously it sucks. I’ve been doing research. And it really is an awful disease. But wizards should do more, we should help. You can’t help what you become once a month,” he looked back at Remus, then, a sincere look on his face, “And the ministry’s treatment of werewolf is inhumane. It’s appalling”
“I-well, yes”
“Second of all, even if I, or anyone for that matter, wanted you to leave. You will do no such thing. It is your right to study here,” Remus had always been uncomfortable with eye contact. Finding that holding someone’s gaze made him feel vulnerable, watched, close to being found out. He had to bite his tongue everytime someone held his gaze for too long, afraid that the pressure would force the truth to burst out of him. But with Sirius he’d never had a choice. The boy was well versed in eye contact, he would talk without taking his eyes off for even a second. He didn’t do it just with Remus, no. Every single person he talked to was forced to gaze into his intense grey eyes. This time, as Sirius seemed to offer him a place at Hogwarts, his eyes didn’t waver. They were full of sincerity. “You are an even better student than me and my parents punish me every time my marks are less than satisfactory”
Remus winced at that. It hadn’t taken long after meeting Sirius to find out that his home life was not particularly nice. At first, he thought his parents must just be strict. It became clear with time, though, that the truth was far darker.
It started with the letters. Piles of letters from Sirius’ mother talking about just how much trouble he was in, how disappointed she was that he had been sorted into Gryffindor.
Barely two weeks after school started, Sirius had been called into Mcgonagall’s office after dinner. When he came back to the dorm, his eyes were red rimmed and full of fury. He walked in like a bursting flame and went on a bit of a destructive rampage.
It wasn’t until James got him to calm down that Sirius threw himself on his bed and told them that Mcgonagall called him into her office because his parents were threatening to pull him out of school if he wasn’t transfered into Slytherin.
Remus can remember the cold that ran down his back as if it had happened yesterday. Already feeling closest to Sirius. But the boy assured them that Mcgonagall had guaranteed that they wouldn’t do anything. She had just wanted to know if his wishes matched those of his parents.
They didn’t.
“Remus,” Sirius started once again, pulling Remus back from the memory of their first year, “I’m not mad that you are a werewolf. I’m not even mad that you didn’t tell me at first. I get why you didn’t, they probably told you to keep it a secret and I was a right arse in first year asking if it was true that muggles ate human babies. No wonder you didn’t trust me.”
Remus thought that it said a lot about him that he had trusted Sirius almost as soon as they met.
“So you aren’t mad?”
Sirius smirked, “I’m furious”
“Oh, right”
If he wasn’t looking at his shoes, he probably would have seen Sirius roll his eyes. As it stood, he only heard him sigh, felt him getting slightly closer.
“Remus, remember two months ago,” he started, leaning against the railing with his back towards the field and his eyes somewhere behind Remus, this time avoiding looking him in the eye. It wasn’t hard to figure out what Sirius was referring to. The afternoon when Remus had burst into their dorm unannounced and found Sirius’ shirtless back covered in scars.
Remus doesn’t think he’ll ever forget. He still often falls asleep and finds Sirius’ scared face in his dreams. The tremble in his voice when he confessed what his parents did to him. What they had been doing to him every time he misbehaved since he was able to walk.
“That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Telling you.,” Sirius clarified, “And when I put two and two together about you, it just made me feel like you don’t trust me as much as I trust you”
“I do trust you”, he couldn’t hide the pleading in his voice, the desperate edge.
“But?”
“Nothing. They made me promise not to tell anyone. And, to be honest, I was terrified about your reaction. I was scared that you would hate me.”, he confessed the last part, mumbled it. The worry still very much present.
“I’d never hate you,” Sirius scoffed, he did look at Remus as he said in no uncertain terms, “You are my best friend”
“I thought James was your best friend”
“And as your best friend,” Sirius ignored him, “I want to know what goes on with you. So I can help you.”
“There’s no helping me,” Remus shrugged. He liked to think that he’d made peace with the fact that his condition would only get worse. The wolf would keep getting more and more aggressive, his body would grow weaker.
Remus had read, once, on one of his father’s books that werewolves had a life expectancy of barely 40 years old. He tried to avoid thinking about it too much.
And as much as he would love to find a cure, there was no such thing. There was no way of helping him.
“Not even carrying your books before the full moon?,” Sirius wondered aloud, “Or bringing you breakfast to the infirmary?”
Remus didn’t get a chance to reply, Sirius just kept going on and on about different ways that he could help. Mundane things, really. Stuff that he hadn’t even thought about but that he knew, for a fact, would make his life better, nicer, bearable.
“And then,” Sirius started, “when we’re older I’ll see about finding the cure.”
“No such thing,” Remus muttered
“Not yet, anyways,” he didn’t miss the smirk on Sirius’ face, the way he was clearly trying to bring some levity. But there was something else, something that went beyond the usual face he got when he found a challenge, a puzzle, a question he had to think longer than two seconds about, there was determination on his face like Remus had never seen before.
The next day found them alone in their dorm room for the first time in weeks. James had quidditch practice and, while Sirius had been coming with him (to avoid Remus), this time he opted out claiming that he had a paper to write.
Instead, he was lying on the floor of their dorm room, one of Remus’ records spinning softly on the record player his parents had let him bring.
Peter had gone with James, always eager to spend time near the quidditch pitch. And Remus, for his part, did actually have a paper to write.
Sirius was humming aloud to The Rolling Stone’s Pain in my Heart , throwing a rolled up pair of socks into the air and catching it in rhythm with the music.
“Can you see in the dark?”, he interrupted the silence with what felt like the thousandth question he had asked since he confirmed Remus’ secret, “It said so in one of the books of the forbidden section.”
Remus did not stop writing his essay, did not even look up. “I’m sure I can when I’m turned,” he explained, “but not really when I’m human, no.”
“Oh,” Sirius sounded disappointed, which did cause Remus to throw him a well intentioned glare, “It’s just that it would be useful for pranks, is all.”
“Sorry,” Remus mumbled, no real anger behind it. “I can smell better though”
“How so?”
“Well, it seems that my heightened sense of smell is more permanent. It gets stronger closer to the full but I can usually tell people apart by their scent.”
Sirius sat up, then. He looked at Remus with such wonder on his face, as if he was waking up for the first time on Christmas morning.
“What do I smell like?”, he asked.
“A wanker”
There was a beat of silence where Sirius just stared at him, unimpressed. It didn’t last, though. Before he knew it, Sirius had burst out laughing.
Of all the things Remus had come to like about his best friend, his laugh had to be at the top of the list. He always laughed as if he was surprised. It was almost like he couldn’t believe that the sound, the urge, was coming out of him. And it delighted everyone around him.
It wasn’t ever a chuckle, or a quiet laugh. He would sometimes snicker and hide behind his hands if Remus muttered something funny in class. But when he knew he could, he laughed loudly, unicontrolably, unapologetically.
His loud laughing was probably why they didn’t hear the others coming up the steps, why they were startled when they heard James shouting before he had even come through the door.
“Oi”, he grinned at their jumpiness, delighted at the fact that he managed to sneak up on them, “What’s so funny?”
Sirius’ laugh sobered into a quiet smiled. He winked at Remus and offered a quick excuse. But the moment was enough for fear to sink into Remus’ stomach.
He realized then, there was no chance of keeping his secret now that Sirius knew. It was already a tall enough order to manage to get him to look at him with anything but disgust. It was an entirely different thing to expect him to stay quiet.
The speed at which he stood up would have been impressive on any other day and he’s pretty sure that he managed to mutter an excuse, or an apology before scrambling out of the room.
He didn’t know exactly where he was going, he just walked. Down the steps and past the common room. Sneaking and winding wherever his feet would take him. His mind occupied with panic and not fit to decide on where to go.
Because he knew, had been witness to the fact that there were no secrets between Sirius and James. They read the letters the other got every morning, they sneaked into each other’s beds and whispered late into the night. They split some of their homework, they fix each other’s plates when the other is late to a meal.
Before he knows it, he is going up endless steps and finding himself alone in the Astronomy tower. He suddenly feels like such a cliché. Well aware that this is where everyone comes when they want to be left alone.
He sat down, then. Back against one of the columns, overlooking the railing and the view that stretched out below. And the sky above it all. It was so clear, not a cloud anywhere near. Remus could have stayed there all night and counted all the stars.
He didn’t know how long he sat there, but it was long enough for Sirius to find him.
“Finally,” he exhaled, breathless from climbing up the steps, “I’ve been looking everywhere.”
“Was this the last place you looked?”, Remus refused to look at him, he just kept his gaze fixed on the horizon. He could feel him though, smell him. He knew Sirius was about to sit down close to him even before he lowered himself onto the column right in front of his, overlooking the same view.
“Nearly,” was his reply, “I didn’t think you were into clichés.”
Remus shrugged. Don’t look at him.
“How did he react, then?”
“Who?”
That made him look at Sirius, he found him looking back. A confused look on his face which matched perfectly with the confused tone of his voice.
“James”
“What do you-”, a scoff came out of his mouth, stopping his mid-sentence, “Is that what you think of me?”
Remus stayed quiet.
“That I’ll just run and tell everyone your secret as soon as I can?”
Sirius’ voice broke. All of their voices where prone to breaking due to their age. A competition of who it could happen to at the most embarrassing moment. But this time, his voice was broken because of the tears that seemed to be threatening to fall. They were clear as day, glistening in the white of his eyes.
“You tell James everything,” Remus explained, guilt dripping from his voice, “And I know that it is not fair to ask you to lie to him.”
“I don’t tell him everything.”
At that, Remus threw a skeptical look at him which, for a second, brought a smile to Sirius’ face.
“I don’t,” he insisted, “And I won’t tell him this if you don’t want me to.”
The doubt was still there, of course it was. Remus had grown being told to trust no one. In his father’s eyes everyone was a potential enemy. His secret was, for a long time, his most prized possession; his ticket in and out of this wonderful world.
And now, for the past couple of years, his walls had been crumbling. If he was being honest, a part of him was relieved that Sirius knew. He could count the number of times he had to physically bite his tongue to keep from blurting out his secret in front of the voice. Convinced, for a second, by something they said, by a look they shared, by a joke, a kind word, a laugh, that everything would be okay if they knew.
But the fear ran deep. It was hard to unlearn what he had been taught since before he could remember that he was learning.
He lived in constant conflict: between the urge to trust and the fear of the truth. But Sirius had learned the truth and he hadn’t run, in fact, he had gone out of his way to be right by his side.
“I don’t want you to,” Remus started, “but do you think it’d be really bad if they found out?”
The question sounded pathetic even in his ears. The fact that he had to ask, the way his voice trembled and his eyes avoided contact. The way that, even without enhanced hearing, he’d be able to hear his heartbeat going out of control. Fear of the answer, fear because he knew that no matter what it was, Sirius wouldn’t lie.
A silence followed that seemed to last a lifetime. Remus looked back at Sirius and found him staring out at the horizon, thinking as if he was solving a particularly challenging math problem.
“I think,” and there was the eye contact, grey meets brown, confidence meets doubt, “it wouldn’t be bad at all.”
Remus shook his head, unconvinced. But Sirius dragged himself across the floor, close, closer until his knees where bumping into Remus’.
“No, listen,” he insisted, grabbing Remus by the shoulders, shaking him up a bit, “I honestly think it would be okay. In fact, I think James would find it wicked cool. And Pete will just follow our lead. He’ll say it’s okay if we say it’s okay.”
“I think you underestimate Peter.”
“Maybe,” Sirius threw back, seemingly uncaring, “But you can’t deny it’s true. What’s he going to do if we decide we want you around anyway? Move dorms? Find other friends?”
“He could”, Remus whispered, “He might.”
Sirius sighed. Moved once again but, this time, sat right next to Remus, throwing an arm around his shoulders.
“He wouldn’t,” Sirius said earnestly, “Peter loves you. James loves you. And you’re their best friend too. Who cares if you have a bad day once a month? I have them weekly.”
Remus laughed at that and bumped his shoulder playfully into Sirius.
“Thank you, Sirius,” he said, trying with all his might to hold the eye contact. “Really.”
“Thank you , Remus,” was Sirius’ reply. They were so close, that Remus could have counted Sirius’ eyelashes. The moment so, well, serious. That he was glad when his friend broke the trance, pulled away and decided to joke, “Honestly, can you imagine if my mum finds out my best friend is a half-blood werewolf? It might be the thing that does her in.”
“Here’s to hoping,” Remus mumbled. Sparing a second to worry about how Sirius would react. But he just burst out laughing.
That wicked contagious laugh.
Remus couldn’t help himself, he laughed along.