I cannot reach him.
Even though he’s so close, just an arm's length away, it seems, I cannot (and I mustn’t) reach him.
Our shoulders are nearly touching. Of course, he doesn’t notice: he’s too busy scribbling the positions of the planets on his astronomy chart, adjusting the telescope toward Venus.
I let myself watch him. Just for a moment.
He looks at the sky, and I look at him.
A sky that casts a soft glow on his face, calming me instantly.
Potter.
He's so fucking beautiful.
I can see the faint flush on his cheeks from the cold, his eyes shining as if reflecting the most breathtaking constellations.
I cannot reach him.
To him, nothing is different, but my heart remains distant, restless.
I've longed to call him mine for so long. Since the very first moment I laid eyes on him, since the very first day. Since he refused to take my hand.
His slightly curled hair smells of jasmine. It shouldn't.
I cannot reach him.
An almost irresistible urge courses through me: to grab him by the neck and pull him into a sweet and desperate kiss, to tell him all the universe’s secrets, to recite every love poem ever written while looking into his eyes, to surrender myself completely and devotedly to him. To be vulnerable, to be fragile.
Almost irresistible.
But I cannot reach him.
I wonder if he has ever looked at me the way I look at him.
I wonder if he’s ever had to silence a desire so fierce it claws at his ribs, if he’s ever had to swallow it down and pretend it was never there.
I am doomed to only watch him forever.
Because the truth is:
I cannot reach him.
I cannot reach him because I love him.
Because I don’t want to ruin everything.
I cannot reach him because I’m afraid.
I cannot reach him because I made him hate me. Because I spent years ensuring he would.
But I love him.
I love him so much.
I love him with every piece of my soul, with every particle of my being.
I love him because he's everything I could never be.
because he is light, and I am shadow.
Because he moves forward without fear, while I am trapped in mine.
I love him because, despite everything, he is still here. Still close. Still just out of reach.
He shifts, and for a moment, our eyes meet.
Curious green, searching. My breath catches.
Then, he smiles. Just a small thing. Just enough for me to see.
And I?
I cannot reach him.
So I smile back.