calls of guilt
'Quiet calls of guilt filled the space vehemently. And he could do nothing to help.'
When Hoseok was 14, he had a tiny doll made of wood, carved to perfection with the remaining blades after his father had used it. Dulled and rusted blades that had been used relentlessly by Hoseok’s own inexperienced hands to make the cutest little doll with dangling limbs and a round tummy.
He adored it more than anything he owned, always carried it along and despite the other kids of the village making fun of him for the oddity of its shape, he named it, cared for the dead wood and made a small space on his bed for it.
When Hoseok was 17, he lost that doll. He had misplaced it, as it would seem, though the stinking suspicion that his younger sister had thrown it away in a fit of anger never went away. The truth remained that it was missing. He had looked for it, helplessly and hopelessly, for days at stretch.
And when he didn’t find that doll, he berated himself for losing it. And then some more, for getting attached to an inanimate object, for treating it like it was valuable and indispensable. As the self-criticizing exhausted itself with him, he cried to sleep, willing away from dinner despite his mother’s angry words.
He cried for the lost thing, for everything, for the memories that the doll had kept alive, for himself and for his displaced doll.
After the tears had dried, he had learnt not to associate happiness with objects. They cannot be a replacement to who he was and how he felt. One doll cannot dictate how his life would be, no, he’s gotta be stronger.
He learnt not to attach himself, let it course through him like they were part of him and he was incomplete without that. Not to be the one that let emotions get the better of him, wash him away like he meant nothing with the waves of the ocean.
Perhaps, those words were ones regurgitated by his own father, an emotionless man with a deep frown on his face almost every second Hoseok knew him.
Well, the best option was to act like nothing happened- a face no one would suspect, just exist like any other despite everything crumbling within.
Now, that Hoseok had experienced 28 winters, he was unsure of how well that had worked for him.
Especially at this moment, when he held the Raven’s limp body, devoid of any sign towards life, breathing ceased minutes ago, nothing but the shell of his body.
Hoseok held onto that body, emotionless like his father when he had seen his wife cry over the death of their to-be baby. Hoseok just let Jimin’s head rest on his lap, staring at the pale features.
Eyes closed, cheeks losing the healthy glow even by the Raven’s standards, colour greying with each second, scales slowly breaking off from the lustre they held, dulled and dead. The leather of his skin, shine lost to the winds howling outside, the little skin that could be seen was turning blue and rigid, Everything that Jimin was had been killed.
Killed all because he was saving Hoseok.
Killed all because Hoseok was here.
The cursed had lived and protected the forest as best as he could for the past decades, quietly and successfully. But, Hoseok had to come here right at the steps of Jimin’s humble abode, tread in following a mad bird whose intentions were still unknown and mess the balance created for years.
Jimin who had lived most of his life in these woods, knowing how to navigate the full-moon chaos that were brought in regularly, each marked with scary thunderstorms, ugly and ravenous demons from under clawing their way back to his magic, and weakened links to everything, was now dead because of him.
Hoseok had gathered enough that the magic coursing through Jimin’s dead cursed body, despite dark in nature with a history of sorrow had power, had the ability to grow and was essential to thrive if the monsters that had turned to dust were any clue. It was vital to this dark forest that breathed along with each of Jimin’s.
And the effects were gradual as the dead and barren trees wilted further, falling over themselves to the ground. The huge branches folding in and breaking with each second passing. Kila who had rested on the window sill was quiet, not a chirp heard as everything was going to doom.
Jung Hoseok held himself accountable.
The monsters had gone, but at what cost?
He sat there, stroking Jimin’s head, wishing the other was slive and they were under the sun, relaxing their bodies. After the realisation that Jimin was his home, someone he had found to be his comfort through it all. Sure, he had only known Jimin for a week and a few days more, which is not enough time to characterise and take big decisions like the one he had— he had planned to tell that to Jimin after all of this dies down, except now he was holding the person who had died.
“How I wish this wasn’t how we ended!”
Hoseok whispered into the air, no one there to listen to him.
Hoseok had never known love like this, but he was willing to take that even if it was one-sided. Jimin might not have reciprocated it, but he would have surely been cordial with him. It was better than the village where Hoseok had always felt trapped by the rules and hush-hush topics of everything that brought curiosity.
And Jimin, in all of his contrary fashion, was a ray of hope, something to show that Hoseok’s world needn’t be withheld by the boundaries of the village. He was caring to a mere stranger, one who had only heard the vicious tales of the Raven. He was kind enough to protect him from the impending danger. He was courageously selfless to sacrifice his everything for Hoseok.
And the latter could only lament the fact that he was alive.
His mind just replayed the events that had taken place, all quickly, all too hastily. One minute, he was helping Jimin up and reaching for the purple potion— now shattered into a million pieces on the ground, the next minute, he was watching the powerful Raven, in all his black glory drop down like the strings in place to hold his body were cut off— a marionette in action.
Slowly, his body unfroze with his mind still in shock, he could feel wetness all around him. Bringing his hand up to his face, he found it damp with tears, grimey with the dirt of all that had happened. His body was entirely wet, especially his lower half that was still submerged in the receding waters, but he couldn’t care less.
Hoseok had no clue as to what would happen or what he should.
The only thing that kept him tethered in reality was the weight of Jimin’s body on his thighs, surprisingly lighter than he had expected. He had seen the leather stretched across the other’s skin, scales and what looked like remnants of feathers meaning Jimin should have been at least slightly heavy.
“You would–”
Hoseok started, looking at Kila who was now laid in a cocooned position, like she was asleep.
He sighed slowly, for the only other creature was lost to the world, despite their ability to communicate.
Too many things had occurred in the span of an hour.
But, he had to act fast, if there was still a chance for the floods to barge in unexpectedly, a chance for the monsters to rise from the ashes and now with no Jimin, he had to find a way to survive with no magic or charms. Hoseok wasn’t ready to part with the him just yet, knowing all too well that he couldn’t cling to this body of someone he loved.
The irony wasn’t lost to him, Jimin couldn’t die, no but he was incapable of it, but he had and Hoseok, the dispensable, fragile human was alive.
Hoseok reached to his own robes, folding the disused one to make a padding to lay Jimin’s head on. He couldn’t fathom a reality where the other was pained even if it was him dead. Quietly making his way, he took the tiny bird in his hands and placed it on Jimin’s limp figure, hoping that comfort would be sought in each other’s arms.
And then he got to work, firstly with closing the cottage’s door and working his way to shut the windows to fix the physical structurality of it, a firm foundation to work with. It was to the special book behind the doors from which he had seen the Raven read the charms and spells.
He was completely clueless as to what had to be done, it was like he was going on autopilot, just working through what he would have done if he had to live. He would not dare to imagine a day where Jimin’s sacrifice was lost due to his carelessness.
What he didn’t expect was to find the first page of the book to have a note attached to it, one in elegant handwriting and it read as such,
‘To the person who has come across this book,
There are multiple scenarios as to why you would have found it. But, as I write this, it is intended for my grandson, Park Jimin. I’m sorry to disappoint others though, I wish you find what you are looking for, perhaps between the lines.
I know you are to be abandoned soon, not voluntarily but a vivid premonition graced me two nights ago. It was detailed to the step and I can’t seem to erase the memory. So, it would seem our reign shall end pathetically for the curse has taken its place in you.
I’m sorry that this is the thing I’m handing you over, a jinx of sorts where there’s not a single good turn. I’m sorry you will have to live many years, perhaps even decades before breaking free, but I hope you know that I’m always looking out for you. Always.
There is unfortunately no ‘set in stone’ version of how you’ll be back to leading a normal life or even die naturally given your curse had limitations of you being an immortal. But, if the latter ever happens, just know that I’m here to hug my little boy.
~The old man who has a magical cloak and a timeless watch.’
That was about it. Hoseok couldn’t help sob ugly at how these words were framed. Jimin was a precious kid to his grandfather, just not enough to help him avoid his fate of being this beast whose entire life revolved around the dark forest and its miseries.
A price paid for someone else’s mistake.
Hoseok was ready to keep it away, wipe his tears and move on to the important parts on how to protect this cottage for the full moon hadn’t ceased yet. As he flipped the note, he found a small separate note, hidden brilliantly for no one to see, yet be seen by the ones needed and it read further.
To anyone reading this, read between the lines. Light the way and you shall find it after all, for one can never be that cruel to wish that. There’s love found in corners unexpected, love that shall redeem you, love that shall resurrect you. Mere words don’t make for it all, but there’s hope in them, hope in the angels above, hope in the most unused routes for that’s where the sailors make their bid.
Hoseok stared at it hard, trying to make sense of it. The lines had repeated in both the notes and he tried to think of what it could mean and how he could potentially make use of it. Sure, it could be a waste of time, but there was a nagging feeling in his gut just like the time he had followed Kila to the inside of this hideous forest.
As he read through them over and over, something in him clicked as he suddenly jumped to get to the dry hay kept above and the sticks used to make fire— one of the basic necessities to a baker. He made a quick work of lighting it despite the murky area around him and then held the note to the light again. There was something at the end, a small phrase.
‘dilige et vives quia mundus noster est’
He kept it folded, slightly disappointed but then the light also could work on the other pages if it were true. The problem was that the book was too huge for it to be done in the span of time. But then as he read the last line of unused routes, he quickly looked through the pages to single out the ones not touched.
They were easy to find, whiter than usual and didn’t have any smudges. The reason for them to be such was that they were purely blank. Not a single touch of ink on those pages. Hoseok tried to carefully hold the three pages separately to the fire and it was clear as day as everything was written perfectly.
‘If you have solved this, it would mean that the cursed is dead.
These pages were sealed by his magic, ugly in its wake as it locked away his chances at survival. His enchanted mastery which had to be his escape had trapped him farther. If you can read it, we believe you have been through the hoops expected.
Before we delve further, you must know that these pages are only visible when one with the flesh of an animal is brought to life and the soul of a fallen angel treads into the cursed one’s indestructible heart.
This is not an act of love, a pretext to reach the human parts of the cursed, an elaborate method for him to seek life. But, rather hapless circumstances and doomed fates where he is not at fault but bearing the fruits of labour by the blood he carries in his veins, dark and black.
But a human breaking him free by making a sacrifice of his own to resurrect is indeed, out of love.
Love makes humans selfish and selfless at the same time. Noted by their words and actions for the better part of the millenia. Your lives as meagre and replaceable as they are, can be a source of his path to better.
The watch holds importance beyond this realm, use it to do what feels right. And you shall unlock a portal where time and space coexists. There’s more to the words unseen, but they shall be muttered for it to bear results. He shall be alive for mere minutes, make it count and work the magic within you.
You shall figure the path with each step, but there’s a phrase to be uttered for any of your magic to be unlocked, oh fallen angel. Your memories are erased by the disgrace caused, but you shall have to rewind, remember and save what’s yours, the very reason you were reborn as a human.
The clues to your very existence is that the fallen angels only ever find their way on Earth for their selfish reasons of protecting others. And with a soul as pure as yours, you just need to find the things before time runs out.
clavis est in manibus meis in aeternum’
To say Hoseok was even more confused than before would be the ultimate understatement of the year.
He needed to get his facts checked— Jimin was cursed, Jimin was dead, Jimin’s ancestory tale was known; A phrase exists on the secret note, leading to more pages; Hoseok is apparently not human, and a fallen angel (he still wasn’t sure about that, sounded way too suspicious for it to be true); and lastly that there was a way to get Jimin back to life.
Except the clues were scattered and none of it made sense.
A few words kept repeating through the all the three places: love, time, angels, hope, and cursed. And he really needed to find the connection between the five of these words. Fast as it would seem, given that the pages withered away after he had read it, as if their purpose was done.
Hoseok needed to fix this.
He immediately searched for the cloak and watch that was apparently in Jimin’s hold if the notes were anything to go by. He found the cloak but the watch was a mystery. Uprooting the cottage and searching every nook of it, he finally got to the old watchpiece hidden in one of the smaller cauldrons.
It was a rusty, old one but with perfect antique accents of gold and encrusted jewels along the chain. There was a a screw by the side and pretty much apart from that, it was useless given that there was indication of its working. But he knew it was important according to the numerous mentions in the notes.
“Please, let this be right.”
Hoseok prayed to the God above, one whose existence seemed all the more crucial now.
He took both those items, laid the coat on Jimin’s body and kept the flame alive as he opened the screw rewinding the watch seven times, uttering ‘clavis est in manibus meis in aeternum’ with each turn. Closed eyes, as the chanting went on, and Hoseok felt stupid to be doing this.
He was a rational man, learnt everything by the fierce hand of responsibility and discipline, but here he was forming some sort of witchcraft on a dead body. But really who could blame him, when he had spent 8 days with an unnatural being, facing one of the worst rainfalls and horror stories of his lifetime?
Anything to make amends and make it work.
The astonishing part of it was how with each of those movements, recollections flashed past his eyes. Memories lost in time, flashing over and soon enough the words in the last page started making sense.
“Do you really wish to give up your riches and powers for that cursed being, laying to waste with each passing second? A rotten nobody who holds the blood of viciousness?”
A booming voice echoed through the chambers.
Hoseok didn't know if he was transported into another body or if he was a spectator to the chaos unfolding, but there was a lady whose energy was beautifully visible, loud colours clashing against the pale pastel decorations around. The lady had a crown atop her luscious black hair, the piece of jewellery made with cut diamonds and emeralds and rubies, and that signified her position, if her stature still made anyone question it. She was the goddess who was mentioned in the scriptures.
“Yes, I do wish to be one to help the poor soul, whose fault lies in the fact that he was born. And if not that, I’ll be one to walk among the many.”
Another voice came about and this time it was a smaller man as compared to the goddess, looking all too much like Hoseok hinself. Similar hair, adorned with flowers, giant angel wings, a halo of light above him, and the same determination he had known since he was a child.
“If that's your final decision, then I shall let you be born in that village. But know that you shall die a man than an angel. Be stripped of your wings and it shall hurt. There's a balance to be restored. All your life will lead you there except you are a shell of the memories you've forgotten.’
That was the finalé and with the last turn of the watch, Hoseok understood how he was a reincarnation of that angel, allowed to walk this Earth by the grace of that magnificent goddess. All this for his angel self who had empathized hard with the cursed Raven— an instant connection formed only by peeping through the clouds in heaven.
Maybe that also explained how drawn he was to the dark forest as a child, asking questions despite the numerous tales spun around it. And maybe even the reason he had followed Kila here, who had led him straight to Jimin himself.
With that new realisation, the surging feelings he had felt through the course of the week all made sense. It was strong in a way that made him question everything he knew about Jimin. That instant pull towards the leathered man, like they were magnets drawn to each other, opposites of one cursed by the vilified words and another, pure enough to let his status go.
There was something undeniably present which made Hoseok go crazy because it was so unlike to fall for another within days of talking, especially in such dire situations. But there was an added reason along with how Jimin as a person was.
The Raven was kind, gentle and adoring in his ways despite the hardened texture of his palms. And none of their history as one-sided star-crossed lovers could change that. But it did help solidify what Hoseok felt and make sure that it was true. He had made his sacrifice from being an elite angel experiencing the joys of heaven in exchange for a human life filled with struggles and sorrows— all for Jimin.
The bond they held laid beyond just this blip, for Hoseok had apparently watched and worried over the Raven, his Jimin, unable to pull any strings to let him experience the warmth of the beautiful sun. They were special, a push and pull, all in Hoseok’s hands one sidedly– as Jimin was seemingly unaware of it, only a magic charm in his blood.
But none of that mattered, if Jimin was dead. He had to be revived and that was Hoseok’s duty.
For the truth was in the words he chanted seven times over.
For Hoseok’s hands held the key forevermore.
And so it began.
Hoseok’s eyes opened to a blinding light and when they finally adjusted to the light, there was Jimin standing alive in front of him with Kila perched on his shoulder. They were in a different place, unlike any he had seen. An infinitely dark space with bottomless floors and the light source emitting enough for them to see each other.
An abyss with nothing more as they stood face to face.
As Hoseok locked eyes with the other, he didn’t hesitate to leap forth and hold Jimin in a tight hug. There wasn’t a single moment of hesitation as his arms wound around Jimin fiercely, his eyes moist with the beginning of what felt like tears for the nth time today. And when he finally reached down to feel his feet touch the floor, he belatedly realised that Jimin had just stood still.
“Why are–”
Hoseok said, cutting himself off when Jimin groaned loudly.
“Are you hurt?”
“Yeah, my sides.”
Jimin muttered soft and in pain.
Hoseok looked at the watch where the minute hand was moving slowly but surely as compared to its inactivity since he found it. He was running out of time, he had limited seconds in his hands.
“I need to get to you fast before you forget it all and I only have this chance.”
“Who are you and where am I?”
Jimin asked, quite lost in his words.
“I have no time to explain, maybe I’ll do it when you come back from death.”
Hoseok said, hands still holding onto Jimin’s leathered and rough ones.
He knew it was extremely confusing to this Jimin, who had no idea what will happen to him in the future, especially with a stranger clutching his hands like they had known each other for centuries. But, Hoseok had seen the reality where the other was not alive, so forgive him if he wanted to revere and relish this very moment of seeing Jimin alive, perhaps for the last time if everything went wrong.
He needed Jimin’s presence being felt physically.
“Damn, I finally go to hell?”
“Stop that. And now respond neatly to the questions asked. When was the last time you felt alive?”
“Ten summers ago when the clouds were gracious enough to let me see the flowers bloom right past the dark forest. It was glorious and purple in colour, beautiful in its wake. That was the only time I felt like it was worth living.”
Jimin answered instantly, not a second to spare as Hoseok listened intently.
“Do you have anything that’s unlikely to fit in along with the other parts of your cottage? Perhaps something you found or were given to?”
Jimin hesitated for a few seconds, thinking over and over until it tumbled out with a meek,
“A necklace among my yarns, it is silver for the touch is as precious as it can get. There’s sapphires along its length, small to make way for a locket, which is empty. I found it on my daily surveillance walks.”
And with that, Hoseok finally got his answers. He knew there was nothing more to do except collect those things and say the words. He might be completely wrong, but if the words held any truth then he had a chance. Sure, he could have warned Jimin about the impending doom and everything that follows, but he would ultimately forget it since those were the conditions of anyone being summoned to this realm of magic and angels.
“I promise you that you’ll see the sunshine every day of your life until you get sick of it.”
“I doubt I can get sick of it after decades spent in the dark.”
Jimin laughed and Hoseok had to physically stop himself from crying for this might be the very last time he could hear the heaven’s harps in the other's voice.
“You mean so much to me.”
Hoseok muttered, holding Jimin as close as he possibly could.
Until the watch ticked with a loud sound and his closed eyes opened to the same view of the cottage. One where the marsh had melded to make the floors dirty and grimy, one where Jimin was laid to rest and one where Hoseok clutched his own body in desperate attempts to feel Jimin’s hugs.
His hands wrapped around like he was still there, holding Jimin like they had meant something beyond all this. His body crumbled to the ground as the cries echoed in the small cottage–loud and painful.
His eyes were puffy and red, unable to continue that journey of falling teardrops, failing in the want to persevere. His skin was rubbed raw with how many times he had wiped his face. He was tired, bone-deep weary as he wished this wasn’t how it was, but it was ultimately something he had chosen, abandoning what was rightfully his for Jimin.
Weak in his knees, Hoseok still got up from his bent position on the floor. He searched for the yarns that were kept in the pockets of the same cloak and unravelled the brown and yellow threads one by one until the necklace fell through onto his lap. The necklace was as beautiful as ever, so uniquely described by Jimin.
But, he still needed to search for those purple flowers that were beyond the forest edge. And he had to hurry before the night fell through. Rushing past the door with the cloak on his frame, watch and necklace in the pocket, he ran and ran to where he found the blueberries, it must be along those areas.
His legs were quick owing to his lithe figure, finally coming in handy. And just as he reached the threshold of the forest where green sprouted yet again, beautiful and healthy unlike the barren lands, he spotted the perfect purple verbena clusters, swaying with the wind.
Just as he went to take two stalks of it, he looked up to find people walking along the very path he had before entering here. As he saw the two women whispering to each other, he was reminded how close he was to civilization, back to the life he had to be leading, damn the scrolls and magic.
He could easily choose to reach there. A few steps out and he would be among the people, normal as ever. A few more and he will be back in his bakery, letting his younger sister fuss over him for disappearing into the dark, perhaps even cry at his presence. His younger brother would likely scold him but be relieved he was alive, right?
He could take those steps and leave all these behind.
But the question was would he be able to?
Would he be able to live that life like he hadn’t survived all that? Would he be able to continue knowing that the chance he should have taken at the shot of Jimin being resurrected was lost? Would he be able to live without feeling Jimin’s presence after having experienced the delights of it? Would he be able to pursue further knowing that the watch hidden away was one that has the ability to access the realm?
Would he be able to live with the fact that he was indeed a fallen angel?
The questions swirled through his head, with no clear answer. All he knew was that he had to get back, fast even if there was a clear path to normalcy.
He wasn’t normal. He was the fallen angel who had to save the cursed from the doomed fate that held him captive.
And he would be damned to think otherwise if his selfish reasons kept him away from it.
Every effort made was for Jimin, his kind saviour, his cursed Raven, his love.