There are two things that Regulus Black has never been able to truly comprehend in life. The first one is how his parents have managed to stay together and not kill each other due to how insufferable they both were to be around. It would take more than the hands of all Hogwarts students combined to count off the amount of times he has had the disturbingly gruesome thought of their death himself.
The second is Valentine’s Day.
He never seemed to truly understand what the excitement was for. All of the bright pink, the cheery couples, and the sparkly cards simply did not entice him like a comfy blanket in a dark room with a book did. It could be the fact that happiness is an emotion that he had never believed in for the first 12 years of his life. Or the fact that he assumed all parents fought day and night and therefore the whole idea of being in love was just a fallacy for the sake of the innocent who did not know better. Even upon learning that there are happy relationships in existence, ones that truly encapsulate the meaning of love (if it even had one), he never took a liking to the idea of a forced celebration.
Each year he would watch Barty and Evan move around the common room, glittery cards in hand ready to be handed out to the girls they had been fancying recently. Dorcas would be on the floor, glue stick in hand as she worked on a craft for Pandora. Everybody’s conversations would be filled with gossip about the next day. Who would be the first to be hexed into dancing on the table and singing for whomever they fancied? Will Remus and Sirius be found snogging four times in one hour again? Are the Hufflepuffs going to wake up with pink and red hair again? The holiday was never a dull one for the witches and wizards at Hogwarts, prompting them to be abuzz about it all week prior.
And Regulus? If by the off chance he was even down there during these trying times for stereotypical loner boys with dark curly hair, his head would be buried in a new book from the library. The giggles of first-year girls were the only noise he was unable to tune out as he flipped through the torn pages of the potions history book he had pulled off of a shelf hours earlier.
Oh, and the voice of his best mate berating him from across the room.
“Reggie!” Barty yelled sternly. “Get over here and make a card for-”
“Zip it,” Regulus replied, his unfazed expression evident as he calmly turned the page of his book.
Frustrated, the glitter covered boy walked over to his friend. “You know he is going to have some fruity celebration of love planned out for you tomorrow. The least you could do is-”
“The least you could do is leave me alone,” he muttered back, still not giving Barty the decency of eye contact. “James knows how I feel about this putrid holiday. I told him if he tries anything I will hex his ankles together.”
Knowing how arguments about this topic usually end, the standing boy just sighed deeply and walked away. Regulus smirked to himself and finally glanced up, watching as a trail of glitter fell out of his friend’s hair.
As the night progressed, his fellow students started heading up to their dormitories in preparation for the festivities ahead. Soon, only he, Dorcas, and the dwindling fire remained in the shared space. With a satisfied sigh, Regulus flipped over the last page of his book and closed it with a triumphant thud .
The girl looked up from her craft and smiled. “You doing alright, Reg? I know this isn’t exactly your favorite time of year.”
He offered her the decency of eye contact, unlike his earlier interactions. “Ask me tomorrow night, and my answer will be much more satisfactory.”
Without another word, he went up to his dorm and rolled right into his bed. The smell of his boyfriend from previous nights lingered in his pillowcase as he inhaled deeply. Turning onto his side, he began to drift into an oddly peaceful sleep.
—
In the Great Hall, havoc had been wrecked before Regulus even thought of leaving the confines of his warm bed. Marlene McKinnon had a group of house elves as her entourage that would not stop singing romantic Muggle songs that only a few students could recall. Evan had apparently woken up to a glitter bomb to the face that had him couped up in the hospital wing due to how much he inhaled. And James Potter was sitting with his best mates, staring at the empty Slytherin seat with fondness.
“You know he hates today, right?” Sirius asked while shoveling his face full of pancakes. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he hides under the covers and wallows until sunrise tomorrow.”
James shook his head. “I know. He told me just about every time we talked that he doesn’t need or want a gift from me today, and that he will not be getting me one.”
“That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?” Remus asked, sipping on his pumpkin juice. “I mean, he could at least pretend to be interested for your sake.”
“I really don’t mind,” he replied as he shrugged his shoulders. “If he doesn’t want to celebrate, we do not have to, I would hate to make him miserable and force him to do something he doesn’t want to.”
Silence fell upon the Gryffindor table as James’ eyes continued to linger around the Slytherin table. He sighed and took a large gulp of his water. All Regulus had to do was say the words, say that he wanted to experience the holiday, and James would give him a celebration he could never forget. James also knew that his boyfriend’s boundaries existed for very good reasons, so he would do everything in his power to avoid overstepping them, no matter how much his instincts tell him to.
The gulp of water almost spilled out of his mouth at the sight of the tousled-hair Slytherin wandering into the Great Hall.
“Well I’ll be,” Sirius muttered, also looking at his little brother. “What have you done to my baby, James? He is even wearing a fresh jumper, one of his favorites at that!”
Leaving Sirius to his bewilderment, James stood up and walked over to the other house’s table, offering a small smile to those around who he was really there to see. “Good day, everyone,” he spoke, sliding in next to his boyfriend slowly.
“Good morning, James,” Regulus spoke softly, staring in a silent manner at his plate. This behavior was nothing out of the ordinary for those who knew him and his oddly melancholy mannerisms. He would usually come to the table later than everyone else, sulk and stare at an empty plate for a few minutes, then begin to eat breakfast and converse with the rest of the group. Today, however, James took notice of the fidgetiness of his fingers under the table as they toyed with the slightly frayed hem of the jumper. He reached out and gently took the younger boy's hands into one of his own.
James cleared his throat from the morning grogginess that was still lingering. “Are you alright, Reg?” he asked softly, squeezing his hands to offer support. “It’s okay if you want me to go for today. I know this isn’t a day you are particularly fond of.”
Before a response could be elicited from his boyfriend, a loud noise resembling an explosion could be heard throughout the entirety of the room, and everyone looked up to see pink and red glitter falling from the ceiling. In the middle of the room stood a first-year Ravenclaw boy and girl. The boy looked to be extremely embarrassed as the shorter girl chewed him out for his idiotic way of professing his love. Her tone did not match the smile that was on her face that she was failing at suppressing. The glitter began to reach ground level, causing Regulus to scoff as it fell into his hair and in his clothes.
“It’s alright if you are here,” he replied, “I am just annoyed with the rest of the world and myself. Not you, never you in fact. If I ever feel ill towards you it is usually solved by realizing I am the problem.”
With a slight chuckle, he used his free hand to dust off the glitter that had made itself at home on the boy’s dark clothing and hair. “Well, it seems you’ve got a bit of sparkle to yourself today, huh?” he asked, trying to make light of the situation that was sure to overstimulate the other.
“As opposed to the usual love-gushing personality I adorn?” Regulus replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice. James laughed quietly at what he assumed to be a good-humored joke. Of course, the former did not intend it as a joke and more as a way to show that he indeed did not enjoy having a ‘sparkle’, but he would never let his pessimistic ways deter his boyfriend from happy feelings.
“Your sense of humor never fails to make me laugh, Reg, you know that?” James asked, smiling slightly as he spoke “You truly do light up my world in places I didn’t realize were darkened.”
There was no reply from the younger boy, unless you count the subtle smile that graced his lips. He finally reached a slender hand out towards the table and grabbed a banana muffin, something that had begun to grow on him as a morning snack. It could be because when he had visited the Potter household over the winter holidays that Euphemia made homemade ones every morning. Surely he couldn’t long to be part of another family that deeply, could he?
His inner turmoil over the once delicious looking muffin caused him to set it down after a handful of bites. James, on the other hand, was shoveling his face full of a fresh pancake stack while talking to Evan about the latest trade in the professional Quidditch world. He smiled as the two conversed, hoping the one next to him wouldn’t notice as he stood up and slipped away from the table, shuffling with a purpose out of the room.
“Well, I just can’t believe that, can you Reg-?”
James turned to his side at the Slytherin table and noticed the absent spot next to him. He looked back up at Evan, who also wore a perplexed expression. “How long has he been gone?”
“I am honestly not too sure,” Evan replied, looking up and down the table to see if he had moved. It was an unlikely scenario, but anything is possible with the unpredictable Black brother.
James shook his head. “He is never anything short of elusive and mysterious, is he?”
The other offered him a small smile. “At least he seems to be a bit more thrilled to exist when he’s around you. Even if he struggles to say it, we can all see it.”
With a nod and a quick goodbye, James stood up and headed back towards his table, where Sirius and Remus had cleared anyone from sitting around them with their antics of love. Unphased with their grossly long and loving stares due to living with them, he butted right in the middle of them to grab his belongings.
“Oi, Jamesie, can’t you see we are in the middle of something?” Sirius barked, looking up at his friend in annoyance.
“And can’t you see you are in the middle of this crowded room?” He shot back, a smirk making its way onto his face as he watched his friend get visibly angrier at his sass.
“Potter you are a-”
“Well I am off to search lovingly for your brother, maybe give him a snog if the situation is right!” James chirped, and he pretty much ran out of the Great Hall to avoid the slew of curse words and hexes that were bound to be hurdled at him from the ever-so protective older brother. He would take every single last bit of torment for Regulus, though. And he was going to make sure the boy knew it.
—
Regulus wandered the lakeside, staring out into the gloomy abyss in front of him. He had learned during his second year that no one enjoyed coming outside during this holiday due to the unloving weather. Therefore, it was his only solitude from the glittery shenanigans that were bound to take place throughout the day and night. Plus, the cold was more of a comfort to him than anything. It reminded him that he was alive, even if the reminder was him being nipped by a brisk wind. He would rather feel something than nothing at all, right?
His thoughts continued to wander, as they usually do when he roams alone. On days like today, especially Valentine’s Day, he consistently remembered the three phrases ingrained into his mind throughout his youth, the ones that still burdened him today.
One: No one will ever truly love you.
Walburga and Orion were never ones to express feelings of affection towards each other, let alone their own children. They always hated themselves and each other, so why would they care for their own creations? His parents never failed to remind him and Sirius that love is simply a word used to manipulate you into feeling something other than nothing. It would be used to create chaos and emotions that need not be felt when there is the option to be an emotionless statue.
Two: Weakness is shown in the face.
Regulus did not know if he had ever seen an expression other than disappointment or anger grace either of his parents' faces. They had always told him that if he ever bore the misfortune of feeling an emotion that it should be purely internal. If anybody could read your expression and see that you were experiencing a feeling they would take advantage of your vulnerability and use you until you were dead. It was a harsh thing to hear in his youth, when all he wanted to do was cry over the bruises left on his body. Despite this, he learned quickly to keep his expressions stoic and his eyes narrowed no matter how distraught an event left him.
Three: Power is obtained through silence.
Being constantly shamed for having curious tendencies as a child, Regulus quickly learned that asking questions only led to punishing lessons. They would tell him to never let those around him know that he did not know the answer to his questions. Silence indicates knowledge, and knowledge indicates power. Confusion and curiosity would only make him appear to have an insignificant mind, they said. When he read books, however, he was able to answer his questions without ever speaking them into existence.
These principles had guided his life to where he was now: unable to recognize any feelings related to love, much less understand what they mean. He never thought a day would come where he would be willing to break the habits his parents had essentially tortured him into learning.
It all changed when he met James Potter.
Regulus would describe James as the beaming light at the end of a dark and scary road, something that can always be seen but never truly obtained. On the miracle chance it could be obtained, however, it is something that will change your life for the better.
And that is exactly what the boy did to Regulus.
Even though Sirius hated Regulus for the majority of the first five years they shared at Hogwarts, James was never cruel to him. Sure, they would pull pranks on just about every other associate they had in the school, but Regulus always observed how James would hold Sirius back from the mischievous hexes or brutal taunts he would want to throw at the younger boy in passing. He had rarely spoken to Regulus himself aside from the off handed greetings in hallway encounters or the occasional wave across the Great Hall, yet they both had a connection that words did not need to be used to describe.
He still didn’t know what had motivated Sirius to apologize to him one day, but he was grateful it had happened. The brothers had sat in an abandoned classroom after agreeing to meet a week prior. Neither one had spoken for an hour straight when Sirius broke the silence first.
‘I am so incredibly sorry, Regulus’ he had mumbled before tears began slipping from his eyes, something their parents would have tried to kill them over. They embraced, and no other words needed to be said. They knew they would be okay.
The day after this encounter, James Potter started making a frequent appearance in the life of Regulus. He was always at the door to his classrooms with a smile and a greeting. He would be behind the brothers as they talked about their days late at night, ensuring that nobody would interfere with their conversation. No matter where Regulus went, James was there in some capacity.
Even though they were officially together now, Regulus still felt as if everything he felt was wrong. He couldn’t help it, though, because it is simply how he was raised to operate. The arguments constantly echoed in his head, the ones where he would be deemed unworthy of love due to his curiosity, the ones where any sign of emotion caused him to be cursed to the floor in pain. All of it built up on his consciousness steadily, and as of now it is teetering over the edge of a tall cliff, about to fall to the ground.
So, considering these depressing facts about his life, he figured it would be okay to hate a holiday all about seeing other people being able to express love openly and freely without hesitation or fear. It was all he ever wanted in his childhood, love that is. He sought any form of validation he could from his parents, assuming their approval was a synonym for love. So when they would hit him or hex him a little less than usual, he took that as a sign they may one day come around to loving him in some fashion.
“Regulus?”
He snapped out of his endless thought train and looked up to where he had heard his name come from. Sure enough, there was James Potter in all of his sunshine, golden boy gory that Regulus adored to no end. He offered a small smile to the older boy. “I guess you found my hiding place, yeah?” he asked, realizing his usually snarky and cool toned voice was wavering slightly.
James walked closer to him with his hands shoved into his deep pockets. “I mean, I searched all of your favorite spots inside. The fourth floor right wing storage cabinet, the corner in the library with the flickering light, my bed with a warm blanket, and I especially didn’t forget- Are you crying, Reg?”
He blinked quickly at the boy’s words, immediately reaching a hand to his face. Thinking about his parents and remembering his childhood usually made him somewhat upset, but he had no recollection of the last time he cried over anything at all. Sure enough, wet trails of tears were left on his cheeks, and he almost threw up in fear as he realized they were still continuing. In front of a person, at that. Something he had been told his whole life was unacceptable.
He looked at James, fear evident in his eyes. “Are you going to hurt me? For showing weakness? That’s usually what happens, right?” he asked, blinking quickly as his breath picked up. He didn’t know where his sudden onset of emotion and feeling had come from. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t know the last time he really felt anything. Sure, he knew that he cared for James more than anyone else in his life, but he had never truly felt anything. Until now. The weight of an indescribable feeling seemed to be crashing like a tidal wave into his thoughts, and he was nearly drowning in it.
“Hurt you? For being upset? Regulus you know I would rather die than harm you in any way, don’t you?” James asked, a slight panic in his voice. He took a cautious step closer to the emotional boy, and was immediately met by the bodily force of his boyfriend slamming into his chest.
No words were spoken for a while between the two. James wrapped his arms around the younger boy and guided them to a nearby tree, pressing his back against it and slowly sliding down until they sat underneath the leave-barren branches. As Regulus continued to sob, he turned his head to stare out at the gray water of the lake, taking note of the waves lapping at the rocky shore in front of them. The water appeared to be almost as clouded as his thoughts were, yet the visual imagery of this instance seemed to calm him down enough to let the clouds begin to fade.
Despite how shocked and slightly afraid he was of the sudden emotional outburst, James did what he does best and simply existed to make his boyfriend feel validated. He rested one hand on his cheek to wipe away some of the tears that were falling from his sullen eyes. The other hand went to his back, which had apparently been drenched in cold sweat due to the memories that began to overwhelm him. The sweat did not bother James, though, because he vowed to Sirius that he would never see any part of his younger brother as something to be afraid of or disgusted by.
As the breathing from Regulus became more stable, James felt it was a good moment to initiate some form of communication.
“I will never be upset with you for how you feel,” he started, turning Regulus’s face so they could make eye contact as he continued. “I know things have happened to you and I know you push them away, but I only want to help you. Do you understand what I am saying?”
He nodded in response.
“Do you believe what I am saying?”
When James asked this, the previously somewhat steady breathing of the boy laying in his lap picked up slightly, an almost frantic look in his eyes which refused to make contact with anything except the sky. He parted his lips to speak, but no words were able to come out. His hand reached up to his throat and scratched, almost as if he was trying to break an invisible barrier that was holding his words from being spoken.
Luckily for the both of them, James had experience with getting members of the Black family to talk about their feelings. Some would even consider him an expert at this point.
“I know it is hard,” he reminded his boyfriend, running a hand through his now tangled curls. “You have to trust me though, okay? I would never intentionally act in a way to harm you. Do you know why?”
Regulus shook his head lightly, only half comprehending what was being said to him. The voice was soothing enough to calm him that the words did not have any meaning to his ears.
“It’s because…”
The silence was almost louder than any voice could ever yell as they both awaited the ending of the sentence.
“It’s because I love you, Regulus Black. And no person, including yourself, will ever get in the way of me telling you that, okay? I will never let them hurt you again if I can do anything about it.”
A frightened look washed over Regulus’s already pale and sunken face as he frantically looked up at him.
“You don’t have to say it back, I just-”
“I don’t know what love feels like.”
His voice was shaky as he continued to speak for the first time since his tears. “Love is something used to manipulate people, showing emotion will make me weak, and talking about problems makes me lose power. I don’t know how to function any other way.”
“Oh, Reg-”
“But I know I feel different about you, James,” he interjected, not letting the other speak. James, realizing he was getting more words of emotion out of his boyfriend than anyone else could dream of, backed off and let him continue.
“When I talk to you, when I think about you, I feel different than when I do other people. I know what it feels like to enjoy people’s presence because I have Barty, Evan, and Pandora, but you always made me feel a different kind of enjoyment, you know?” he continued, the look on his face becoming more somber. “And when we sit on the couch in front of the fire and talk, I feel like I can pour everything out to you even though I have never been able to even do that with myself. I don’t know what it is about you, or what I am feeling towards us, but it feels right.”
There was no response from the older boy, who instead also looked to be on the verge to tears himself. Regulus tilted his head to the side in confusion. “Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said all of that, you probably think I’m weak and powerless and-”
His rambling was silenced by James pressing a soft kiss to his lips. It was fleeting, only for a moment, but Regulus swore he felt his heart grow in size from the amount of emotion he was overwhelmed with.
“Baby,” James mumbled as he pulled away gently, “you are so wonderful, did you know that?”
“But… I don’t know how to love you!” Regulus sputtered out, his breathing beginning to pick up again. “How am I wonderful if I’m broken? I can’t even give you a proper Valentine’s Day because I don’t understand what love even means!”
James shook his head and pulled them closer together, resting his head on top of the curly black hair. “I’ll teach you. I’ll help you. You will be okay, Reggie.”
As he spoke his words of encouragement, James smiled into the tangled mess of curls. He knew Regulus Black loved him, he had described it to him plainer than anyone else could. Even if he didn’t know it, James was determined to help him learn to understand his love. Not only others, but most importantly himself. He wanted Regulus to look at pictures of them together and say ‘I love us’ and not ‘I love you’.
The two sat in silence once again, listening to the dull sounds of gray waves hitting the rocky beach of the Great Lake. This silence, however, did not have the weight of dread weighing down on it. Instead, it was almost peaceful.
For the first time in what could very well be forever, Regulus had a semblance of hope for his future.
And he knew that James Potter would be in it.