The quidditch cup had just been won by Gryffindor, which could only lead to one thing. A huge party. So James was currently walking through his common room saying hello to those he recognized while nursing a plastic cup of punch, which was spiked with something, he couldn’t quite figure out what. It was only his second cup, but he wasn’t planning on getting drunk anyway, he made too many stupid decisions while drunk, and there were too many people from other houses here for him to allow those mistakes to be made.
He was looking around the room to see who else was there when his eyes caught on a group of fifth years lurking in one of the corners. James squinted to try to get a closer look at who it was, when an arm was slung around his shoulders, startling him.
“Merlin, Pads!” James cursed, basically jumping.
“Why are you glaring at my baby brother? What did he do this time?” He asked him, his words partially slurred due to the cup in his hand, which, James assumed, was close to his fourth or fifth refill.
“I couldn’t tell who it was,” he shrugged, ignoring the feeling in his stomach at the mention of Regulus. “Maybe I need better glasses.”
“I think so,” Sirius said, nodding over exaggeratedly. “I’m going to go find Marls, we need to take our traditional shots together. And hey, stop glaring at my brother, I’m trying to fix things, not make him think my best friend hates him, yeah?”
James shook his head out of the foggy state it was in, turning his eyes away from Regulus and looking at Sirius. “Yeah, of course Pads, sorry I didn’t realize that’s what it looked like.” Sirius just shrugged the apology off and went his separate way.
Now that Regulus had been pointed out to James, he kept finding his eyes wandering over to him, staring at him for Merlin knows what reason. No matter how many times he would tear his eyes away from the boy, they just kept finding their way back to him. It was starting to freak him out.
He had never once thought that he would catch himself staring at a boy rather than a girl, but that wasn’t the distressing part. He was fine with liking guys, if that’s even what this was, it had just never occurred to him that he might fit into that label. No, the problem was that the guy that he couldn’t stop staring at was Sirius’ little brother. Which, even if he liked him, and even if he wanted to do something about it, he couldn’t, because it was Sirius’ little brother.
Sirius’ little brother who he was just getting lectured on not glaring at him because the relationship was trying to be mended. James would only rip it apart again if he told anyone. So he wasn’t going to. He didn’t even know if that’s what this was.
Maybe he just wanted to get him out of that house, and his eyes kept straying to him because he wanted to make sure he was okay. It was normal to worry about your best friend’s younger brother, especially if he lived in the kind of house they lived in. Right?
The more James thought about it, the more his thoughts spiralled. Why was he thinking like this? He shouldn’t be. That’s not how he normally thinks. Why was the room so loud and why was his head pounding like that?
He reached up to his head, trying to get his breathing under control as he headed up the stairs and took a left, ripping the door to their dorm open and immediately pacing, while he started hyperventilating.
He was so in his head that he hadn’t heard the door to their dorm open and close, and hadn’t realized that Remus was standing in front of him until he said something.
“James, what’s wrong?” He asked, concern coating his words.
“I don’t know what’s happening,” James managed to get out, saying the words in between his short breaths. When he met Remus’ eyes, his own were glassy and his hands were shaking. He didn’t know what to do. Why couldn’t someone tell him what to do?
“Well I think you’re having a panic attack, so you should sit down,” Remus said, reaching where he was standing and taking his arms and pulling him down to sit on the bed.
“I can’t stop,” he tried, but it didn’t work. He couldn’t get the words out. Why couldn’t he get the words out? This was Remus. He wouldn’t care. He wouldn’t judge him.
“You can’t stop what?”
“Fucking, Regulus Black,” he said, eyes widening when he realized what that sounded like.
“I’m sorry, you can’t stop fucking Regulus Black?” Remus asked, his voice incredulous. “What the actual fuck? I didn’t even know that was a thing that you guys were doing. I mean, go you, I guess, but–”
“I’m not fucking Regulus,” James said, his voice frustrated. His breathing had started to even out, making it a little easier to get his words out. “I can’t stop staring at him. Fuck.”
“Wait, you’re having a panic attack because you like Regulus? James, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Remus said, shaking his head.
“I didn’t even know I liked guys,” he replied, his voice small and his eyes avoiding Remus’.
“Oh,” he said simply. “Yeah that would do it then. You didn’t know you liked guys, but you have a crush on Regulus Black now?”
“I think so, I don’t even know,” he said, his head resting in his hands, which were tangled in his hair.
“Which part don’t you know?”
“What if I don’t actually like guys, and I just am thinking too hard about just looking at someone?” James asked, his voice sounding embarrassed.
“Can I kiss you?” Remus asked, making James’ head snap up.
“I’m sorry, what?” Maybe he misheard him.
“Well, I’m a guy, if you kiss me, and you like it, then you probably like guys. If not, no harm, no foul, I won’t get upset over it since we’re friends, and if you do, then you know for sure and test it before subjecting someone you actually think you like to that doubt,” he explained, shrugging. “And plus, I’m confident enough in my sexuality that this won’t do anything to me, like it would to someone else if they were just as confused as you are right now.” James’ jaw was on the floor. Okay, so he didn’t mishear anything.
Remus was offering to kiss him. And he wasn’t immediately opposed to the idea, which probably meant that he was into guys in and of itself, because he was pretty sure straight men weren’t okay with the thought of kissing their male friends, but he still wanted to. He didn’t know why.
“And everything will be normal after it?” James checked. “Like it won’t be weird.”
“It won’t be weird,” he promised. “So, do you want to test it, or are you thinking that I’m insane for suggesting this, because honestly, both are quite valid reactions.”
“I’m going to kiss you now,” James said, getting up. Remus barely had time to respond before James’ lips were on his.
James hadn’t kissed anyone in a few months, so he was a bit worried it would just be terrible in general, not even because it was with a guy, but as soon as he ran his tongue over Remus’ lip, albeit mostly by habit, the other boy sighed, which told James it couldn’t be too bad.
James moved his hands from where they were on Remus’ face down to his neck, and Remus reached and grabbed his face, as if to pull him closer, and somehow Remus ends up nearly sitting on top of James which makes him groan, causing Remus to pull back, most likely to stop anything else from happening.
They were both breathing heavy, and James had no idea how long they were kissing for, but it was long enough for Remus’, and presumably his own, lips to get red.
“Okay, so I definitely like guys,” James said, breaking eye contact to laugh.
“You know, I could tell, believe it or not,” he replied, laughing at how red James’ face got. “Okay, I can see that you’re stressing out right now, so I’m going to stop you right there. Calm the fuck down, nothing has changed, okay? No one even has to know that just happened if you don’t want them to.” James nodded, but still didn’t meet his eyes. “Alright, what’s up? You didn’t have to do that if you didn’t want to, it was just an offer–”
“I wanted to,” James cut him off, “If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have.”
“Okay, then why are you acting all weird?”
“I’m not,” James denied, getting up from the bed. “I’m going to go to sleep now, but you go back to the party, I’m sure Pete or Sirius is missing you right now.”
James was, in the most eloquent terms possible, freaking the fuck out. Him and Remus kissed. James likes guys. And James wants to kiss Remus again.
That was the part he was stuck on.
James wanted to kiss Remus again.
They were friends, and they will always be friends. This, James is sure of. And James knows he doesn’t like Remus like that. He knows how he gets when he has a crush on someone, and he definitely is not feeling like that with Remus. He just wants to kiss him again, in a totally platonic sense.
What the fuck was wrong with him?
“Lily, I need your help,” James announced, sitting himself down next to her in the empty common room.
“With what?” she asked, putting her bookmark in the page she was on, closing the book, and setting it down next to her.
James had debated on who to go to about this, and ultimately landed on Lily. Sirius would make things weird almost immediately, Pete would just get awkward, Marlene would somehow announce it to everyone with ears, and Mary would ultimately just be confused as to what it had to do with her. So Lily it was. She wouldn’t judge him too hard when he was freaking out as he was, and she wouldn’t mention it to anyone he didn’t want to know.
“Have you ever kissed one of your friends before? Like Marls or Mary?” James asked, fiddling with his fingers, not looking at her.
“Yeah, I’ve kissed both of them,” she replied casually. “Why?”
“And you’re just normal around them?” James exclaimed, jumping up from the couch and pacing. “How the fuck are you just normal about it?”
“How is she normal about what?” A voice from behind James said, one that made him whip around with wide eyes to see Remus standing there. “Woah, you okay there Prongs?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was asking how she was normal about going from one world to an entirely different one that basically erases the one she grew up in. Muggle Studies really struck a chord with me today, what can I say,” James said, speaking really fast.
“Oh?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, he bombarded me with questions about the muggle world, it was quite strange really,” Lily said, nodding and agreeing.
“I’ll… leave you two to it, then. James, I’m taking a nap, so if you come up to the dorm please try not to slam doors.”
“Yup, got it,” he said, nodding once quickly. He anxiously watched his friend walk up the stairs to their room, and waited until he heard the door close to turn back around to look at Lily, who looked so shocked it could be mistaken for concern.
“I’m sorry, you and Remus kissed? Literally when?”
“Like a week or so ago,” he said, going back to pacing. “And I don’t like him like that, I know I don’t. I can tell when I have a crush on someone and that isn’t how I feel about him.”
“Okay… so what’s the issue here then? Because no offense, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like you either, so,” she said, furrowing her brows to try to understand.
“I can’t stop thinking about kissing him again,” he whispered, his face lighting in red and shame. He didn’t know why he was acting like this. He just needed someone to tell him it was weird, and then it would fix itself.
“So then kiss him again,” she said, as if it were the simplest thing in the world to do.
“I’m not too sure that’s how that works, Lils,” he said, laughing slightly at the absurdity of the suggestion. “I can’t just kiss him again. We’re friends, friends don’t do that.”
“Says who? Kissing doesn’t have to mean anything other than love for a person if you don’t want it to. Platonic love is a thing, I’m sure people kiss their friends to show their love for them.”
“This is assuming he would want to also,” James pointed out, his hands starting to shake. He hated talking about this stuff, especially with someone other than Sirius, but once again, that was basically not an option at all.
“I mean, I don’t see why he wouldn’t. If the kiss was good, I can’t see why someone wouldn’t want to keep doing it, even if only in a friendly way,” she said, shrugging.
“The issue is that it felt like it was going to be more than a kiss at the end, and I’m pretty sure that was why we stopped.”
“I’m sorry, can I ask why you two were even doing that in the first place?”
“To let me figure out if I like guys,” he supplied, very unhelpfully because Lily was still confused. “Well I wouldn’t want to kiss a guy just to accidentally lead him on, you know?”
“I mean, I suppose, but wouldn’t thinking you had a crush on a guy be enough to make you think you were into them?”
“Well yes, probably, but I was in a panic and that was his idea and it didn’t sound like too bad of an idea,” he defended.
“Then just ask him to kiss him again, and don’t let it go far. If you have no feelings for him other than platonic ones, then it should be fine,” she shrugged.
James didn’t want to say it, but Lily’s advice helped virtually nothing. He couldn't just go up to him and ask him to kiss again. That’s weird. That wouldn’t work, because what if he just said no? James Potter is one of the most confident people you would meet, and he could handle rejection, but not from one of his closest friends. That crossed the line of what he could do and what he couldn’t. So, he had accepted that he was going to just stay quiet and stop thinking about it.
Well, that’s what he was going to do, until Remus ended up cornering him one day to ask what was up. James had thought that he was being subtle with his slow distancing from him, but apparently he wasn’t being as slick as he thought.
“Prongs, what the fuck has been up with you?” Remus asked once Sirius and Pete left the dorm, leaving the two of them alone. “You always get weird if we’re left alone, and I’m just confused about it. Did I do something wrong? Because I can’t do something about it if I don’t know what I did–”
“You didn’t do anything,” James cut him off, shaking his head. “It’s me that’s the problem. So can you let this go, please? I’m sorry, I’ll try not to be weird or anything.”
“No, I want to know what happened, because I think I know, but do you know?” He asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
“Nothing happened, I just feel off lately, I’m sorry if it feels like it's been directed towards you,” he said, not meeting his eyes. He couldn’t bring himself too, he was too ashamed.
“We’re friends, right?”
James whipped his head up to stare at Remus like he had four heads.
“Of course we’re friends,” he said, his voice indignant. “Why the fuck wouldn’t we be?”
“And so as friends, we tell each other things. Without judgement, right?”
“Right,” he replied, turning wary of what was to come.
“Because it doesn’t seem like that right now. I’m pretty sure I know why you’ve been so weird lately, but I also know you, and I know that if I’m the one to mention it, you’re going to shut down, and that would be just so counterproductive I don’t even know if I could explain it–”
“I want to kiss you again,” James cut him off, his voice loud and his ears reddening at the shock on Remus’ face. “I don’t even like you like that, no offence, of course you’re lovely and you’re a good looking guy obviously, and honestly if you asked me to I would probably do some crazy things for you, but I don’t like you like that. I don’t know why this is happening, and I wish I could stop it, because if I could, I totally would, and I thought distancing myself would help but you got all upset, and I don’t know what to do.”
By the end of his little rant, James found himself pacing around the dorm, hands flailing everywhere as he tried to explain to Remus what he meant.
“James,” Remus said, his voice gentle. “Have you ever thought that maybe you just love me? Not to sound narcissistic or anything, but you are a very loving person. And you love all of your friends so deeply, and in so many different ways. I believe you when you say you don’t like me like that, because quite frankly, I’m pretty sure you’re smitten with Regulus, but that’s an entirely different conversation.”
“Of course I love you,” James said simply, his face betraying the confusion his voice was trying desperately to cover up. “You’re my best friend, why wouldn’t I?”
“And I love you,’ Remus said, nodding. “Kissing someone is a way to show your love for them. Yes, it’s usually in a romantic or sexual way, but no one said it has to be. No one said you aren’t allowed to kiss your friends and be just that. Friends. Given, the other week it almost went a tad bit too far, but that’s neither here nor there. If you want us to kiss, as friends, we can.”
James was silent. This was almost identical to what Lily told him, which made him feel bad about how he basically said it was useless, albeit not to her face. He truly had just never thought of it that way. He never wanted to kiss Pete and Sirius, but that was probably because they always felt more like brothers than friends to him. But Remus?
Remus was James’ best friend.
And fuck him if James didn’t want to kiss Remus to show him he loved him.
So, James moved from where he was standing to right in front of Remus, whose eyes were shining with what looked like badly covered up amusement, grabbed his face, and kissed him.
It wasn’t like their last one, where they were bordering something more than friends, no this one was more sweet. More loving rather than discovering. It was more than just a peck, but didn’t get nearly as far as it did before. And when James pulled away and was smiling, Remus just smiled back, like absolutely nothing changed.
And to James, it really hadn’t. He was just telling his best friend that he loved him.