Remus swore that if he closed his eyes, he could still feel the soft August breeze in his unruly hair, the Sun burning his skin in just the right way, the coolness of the water from the pool that someone would accidentally splash; he can still hear his friend's laughter, the birds waking him up and crickets putting him to sleep.
He swore that if he closed his eyes, he could still pretend he was something more to Sirius.
The memories of the summer at Potter's float freely in his mind, specifically — but not limited to — those about Sirius. He can still picture it vividly, the moment when his world ended and simultaneously began in that house, far from home and yet never closer to it.
He remembers himself sitting in the living room in the middle of the night since the closeness of the full moon wouldn’t allow him to sleep. He had come downstairs to get a glass of water with the intention to go to sleep immediately after but something kept him from going back to his room and he decided to crack open a window and enjoy the tranquility. However, he got bored of the silence quickly and stood up, going to Potters' collection of vinyls and searching through it until he stumbled upon an ABBA record. He smiled to himself, thinking of a certain red haired girl who was probably the reason for James's purchase.
He walked over to the turntable, put the record on and gently guided the needle towards it until a soft melody filled the room. With a cigarette in his hand and his eyes closed, he swayed to the beat, unaware of any onlookers.
After the first song ended and his cigarette burned all the way down to the filter, he was forced to open his eyes and, startled, came face to face with Sirius. „Merlin, Pads,” he breathed out, putting a hand over his rapid-beating heart. „Don't sneak up on me like that.”
„Sneak up on you?” Sirius laughed. Remus watched him move over to the window ledge he had previously been occupying and followed his lead. „I wasn't trying to be quiet, it's not my fault you got lost inside your little fantasy there.”
He could feel the blush creeping up his neck and onto his cheeks at the comment and turned his head towards the night sky in a desperate attempt to keep it out of sight. He should've known this attempt would be useless, though, because Sirius could always see right through all the walls Remus put up.
„Wh— Come on, Moons, don't be embarrassed. It's just me.” He paused for a second, seemingly second-guessing his next words. „Besides, you looked cute.”
If the previous attempt to hide the reddness on his face was worthless, this time there was no point in even trying. „Uh, yeah, thanks.” It was a great mystery how someone as eloquent as him was able to stumble over his words so much, as if he was just another girl with a Sirius-Black-shaped hole in his heart.
„I mean it,” Sirius's tone had changed from the light-hearted, teasing one, to something more sincere and Remus almost gave himself a whiplash turning his head to try and decipher any sign that it was all just a joke. And, although he knew he would've been mortified to find that expression on his friend's face, the one he was met with was much scarier. It was the first time Remus saw Sirius, the self-proclaimed heartbreaker, looking so insecure, „I think you're cute. No, scratch that. I think you're bloody gorgeous.”
Remus had to remind himself to keep breathing. „Siri−”
„Can I try something?“ Remus could've almost laughed at the childlike eagerness he felt radiating from his friend if he wasn't so close to combusting. He didn't know how, or when, but Sirius had scooted closer to him and Remus could now feel his breath on his skin and see himself inside Sirius's hopeful eyes.
He barely nodded before a pair of lips was placed onto his gently. If his senses hadn't been hightened due to the full moon, he swore he wouldn't have even felt their feather-light touch. And yet, despite being so fleeting, it left Remus gaping, touching his lips with the tips of his calloused fingers in hopes that it would help him make sense of everything.
He looked up, searched Sirius's eyes for any ounce of regret and, when he didn't find any, dived back in, kissing him with more passion this time. He felt Sirius gasp before starting to move his lips against Remus's, at first desparate and fierce before it calmed into something softer and more loving. Remus sneaked one hand around his waist and used it to pull them closer together, keeping the other one on the ledge for steadiness. Sirius's own hands were in Remus's messy hair and Remus swears that that was the moment when Sirius not only tangled his fingers through every lock of his hair, but also every atom of his body.
Three months later, Remus was still trying to unravel the boy from his soul.
—
„What did you get for question five, Remus?” Lily's question was met only with few beats of silence. „Remus?” When she was met with silence once again, she decided to turn her head only to realise Remus was not paying attention to anything around him and was instead staring out of the open window overlooking the courtyard.
Mary snapped her fingers in front of his face, successfully bringing him back to the present from wherever he had traveled to. Marlene snickered from her left but tried to cover it up as a cough, though it didn't manage to fool the confused boy.
„What?” His gaze travelled from Mary and Marlene in front of them to Lily on his right, eyebrows slightly furrowed at their amused expressions.
„What's going on with you? Ever since we've come back to Hogwarts, you've been distracted.” Lily's voice didn't match her face; it was soft, instead, bordering on concerned.
Remus pushed the heels of his hands into his eyes and sighed, thinking of a way he could change the topic. Before he could, though, Mary spoke up again. „Remus, hey,” she pulled his hands off his face, opting to hold them in hers as she looked him in the eyes and spoke with a motherly kind of affection. „You know you can tell us anything, right? We are here for you, always.”
„It's nothing, really,” he tried to brush it off with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. „I guess I'm just scared. It's our last year here before we are thrown into the world and I'm anxious about it all.”
This answer seemed to satisfy Mary and Lily who both voiced their own agreements before going back to work. Marlene, however, wasn't as easily persuaded and kept looking at him with a doubtful expression. He knows Marlene and her stubborness and, honestly, he should've expected that he wouldn't get rid of her as simply.
„I think you're lying.” She kicked back on the chair, crossing her arms in front of herself and watching poor Remus squirm under her scrutinising gaze.
„Wh— Why do you think that?”
„Because you're not the only one who's been distracted,” she retorted, a small coy smirk playing at her lips. „Black has been acting the same.”
This seemed to get Lily's attention. „Please tell me you're not fighting again.” She looked at her friend hopefully, praying to any higher power that was listening that they wouldn't have to go through round two of the post-prank situation.
„No, Lily. I don't think they're fighting,” Remus swore he could've hexed that stupid smirk off Marlene's face. „I think you're looking for another verb, it also starts with f.”
„Frying?” This was met with a very confused look and a shake of the head from Marlene. „Floating?” Another shake. „Focusing?” And another one. „Oh, I got it, is it freezing? It's freezing, right? It has been fairly cold these—”
„Fucking, Lily,” Marlene stopped Lily's rambling and leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table and looking Remus dead in the eye. „The verb you're looking for is fucking.”
Lily's lips morphed into a silent o and she was about to lecture Marlene on how disrespectful it was to make such assumptions about your friends until she noticed Remus's reaction. The boy was opening and closing his mouth, struggling to spew out anything coherent and instead just babbling dumbfoundedly; a clear indication that Marlene had hit the spot.
„You are?” she asked, though it was said more like a statement.
„I don't know what you're talking about,” he finally muttered after managing to form a sensible sentence and picked his quill up again, determined to get back to work and ignore the conversation.
„Oh, you know very well what we're talking about,” Mary replied, though her tone was teasing enough to mitigate the words said. „I must say, it took you two long enough. We were growing bored of watching you dance around each other.”
His grip on the quil tightened and he was sure it would've left a dent in it if Lily hadn't jumped in that moment, startling him. „Shit, look at the time! Come on, we're going to be late for Potions.” And that was the end of it, though Remus was confident he would be hearing more on that same topic soon enough.
—
His hypothesis turned to be true not even a week later. It started off as any other school-day, with him running around the school trying to make it to every lecture — and cursing himself every time for picking so many advanced classes. After lunch, from which James and Sirius were suspiciously missing but he didn't give it a second thought — Merlin knows those two were always up to something — he made his way over to the Common Room for the usual Friday night study group.
It had started back in fifth year when he and Lily were stressing about passing O.W.L.s and decided it would be best to help each other up. However, what had started with just the two of them expanded fast and by the time seventh year rolled around consisted of Mary, Marlene — who was forced to keep her grades up in order to not be kicked off the Quidditch team, Dorcas — who was mainly there so she could make heart eyes at Marlene, and Peter — who was desperate for any additional explanations to the advanced classes he was unfortunately forced to take.
The small group sat scattered around the dimly-lit room, everyone finishing their own assignments with only an occasional exasperated sigh from Marlene or Peter cutting through the silence otherwise only intruded by the firewood crackling.
As if sent by some higher power to save the duo from their miseries, James and Sirius trudged into the room, eyes glistening with mischief and hands behind their backs, a clear sign they were up to no good.
Remus rolled his eyes at the familiar sight and closed the book in front of him with the positiveness that he wouldn't be getting much work done that night. „What have you done now?” he sighed, eyes following James and Sirius's trail towards the couch.
„Ye of little faith, Moons,” Sirius gave him a lopsided grin, one that Remus knew meant trouble.
„When it comes to you two, yes.”
Dorcas’s snicker at Remus's comment was met with a stern gaze Sirius shot in her direction. „I will pretend I'm not offended by that,” he declared with a hand on his heart.
„So, what do you guys have there?” Peter finally asked the question everyone was dying to know but was too scared to ask in case the answer was not something that would be generally approved by the school — which it probably was.
„I'm glad you ask, Wormy,“ said James with a grin wide enough to match Sirius's. The boys looked at each other and nodded as if confirming the start of a previously planned out and rehearsed performance, before bringing their hands from behind their backs, showing the whole room four bottles of some unknown clear liquid.
Lily, having grown in the muggle world, seemed to be the only one familiar with it. „James, that better not be vodka,” her voice was disapproving and held some kind of motherly authority.
„What's vodka?” It was, naturally, Peter who asked what everyone was wondering again.
„It's heaven in liquid form,” Sirius's grin widened as he sat down on the floor in front of the fireplace while James pushed the couch and armchairs to make more space for the group to sit.
„It’s alcohol, that’s what it is,” the redhead acknowledged, fighting an amused smirk that was threatening to appear.
James sat next to Sirius, beckoning the rest to join them. „Precisely, Lils.” Before anyone had time to acknowledge the accidental usage of nickname or Lily’s lack of reaction to it, he added, “Muggle alcohol.”
“And where, pray tell, did you get that?” Remus grumbled defeatedly, though he was happy to be able to take a break without the guilt eating him from the inside out.
“What was that thing Lily always used to say?” James’s brows knitted in thought before springing upwards when the answer popped into his head. “A magical— no, a magician never reveals his secrets.”
The roll of Lily’s eyes wasn’t helpful in trying to conceal the faint pink that dusted her cheeks. Remus and Peter’s eyes darted from James to Lily, then back to James before finding each other’s and sharing a confused look. It was no secret that James had matured and for that reason annoyed Lily noticeably less; still, the way she had been acting around him since the return to school held the secret of something bigger that wasn’t ready to reveal itself yet.
Remus had half a mind to make some excuse and bolt to his dorm, call it a night and enjoy a morning free of a hangover; this idea, however, never materialised itself due to the puppy eyes Sirius was giving him. With a sigh, he stood up, stretching his aching arms and legs in a manner that bore a very close resemblance to that of a cat.
As soon as he positioned himself in front of the fireplace, ignoring Lily’s betrayed grumbling of disapproval as she dragged herself over towards the group, a bottle was thrown into his hands. He flinched, almost letting it drop, but managed to catch it in the last second and, unscrewing the top, took a gulp that he soon realised was too big. His throat burned and his eyes prickled, tears gathering in them and catching on Remus’s eyelashes.
“Bloody hell, that’s strong,” he coughed, wiping the back of his hand over his mouth where some of the liquid spilled and passing the bottle to Peter.
“Your fault for being too excited. Next time, take it slow,” Peter teased with a shrug.
“Oh, like you wouldn’t have done the same thing.”
“Nah, I have a strategy. Why do you think I always let you try things out first before giving them a go? Better to learn from you mistakes than my own, especially when it involves a random concoction from James and Sirius,” he laughed but it was short-lived and soon replaced with a yelp as he tried to avoid a pillow Remus had aimed at him.
“Prick,” he muttered with no real malice in his voice which was further proven by a smile that stretched across his face as he watched Peter try to throw the same pillow back at him but instead missed by a few centimetres and almost set it on fire.
“Merlin, Peter, try not to set the whole school on fire, will ya?” James laughed, gratefully accepting the bottle that had travelled the whole circle and finally made its way to him.
“If the whole school was to ever burn down, it would probably be you and Sirius’s fault.”
As the night progressed, the bottles grew emptier and conversations lost any meaning. Remus was caught in a debate about whether it was better to put milk or cereal first; before then, he would’ve undoubtedly said that it was a common knowledge cereal went first. Marlene seemed not to share his opinion, though, and it led to them bickering about it for what seemed like hours but was probably only two minutes.
“But what if you put too much milk? It’s not practical.”
“If you do, just add more cereal. And it doesn’t happen anyway, I usually know approximately how much I—“
“Hey,” Sirius’s voice raised over theirs. They snapped their heads towards the boy, the argument quickly forgotten. “Who is up for a game of truth or dare?”
The question was met with both enthusiasm and groans of displeasure. Someone, Remus was unsure who in the midst of different voices mixing together, muttered How old are we? but it was lost in the lively air created by those who democratically won the debate.
An empty bottle was placed in the middle of the semi-circle they had created and Sirius took it upon himself to spin it first, all eyes glued on it as they watched it stop and point to Lily.
“Lilykins,” Sirius teased, ignoring the overdramatised sigh from the girl. “Truth or dare?”
She pretended to think for a second, a finger coming up to tap her chin before her expression turned serious. “Truth, obviously. I don’t trust you with dares.”
Sirius, true to his reputation of being a drama queen, theatrically leaned his head back with his eyes closed, the back of his hand resting on his forehead. “You wound me, Evans.” He then dropped the act, looking around the room as if to find an idea for the question before his eyes fell on his best friend and a coy smirk stretched upon his lips. “What’s your opinion on James?”
James lit up at the mention of his name, looking at Lily expectantly. The girl only let out a nervous chuckle, her head lowering and hands playing with a pillow in her lap, hopeless attempts to hide her true feelings. “Uh, he’s okay, I guess,” she finally replied with what she hoped was a nonchalant shrug.
“Nuh-uh, Lily. It’s called truth for a reason.”
Lily shot Mary a glare that could make hell freeze over. “Fine,” she muttered through gritted teeth. She sighed, feeling the blush on her cheeks burning from embarrassment but also excitement of the new possibilities opening up in front of her. “I guess he’s actually nice to be around,” she paused. “And cute, too, I guess.”
“You guess?” Sirius teased, eyes glancing towards James only to find the boy gaping at the redhead like she had just revealed to him all the secrets of the universe.
“Yeah, Black, I guess.”
James, who had been awestruck and barely able to make sense of anything that was happening, finally found it in himself to join in. “That’s enough for me.”
Lily was quick to spin the bottle again, having had enough of the conversation. The game continued and Remus managed to tune most of it out, thankfully never having the bottle land on him and content to just sit back and enjoy watching his friends play it.
He had been waiting for a perfect moment to excuse himself and call it a night when he saw the bottle slow down and point to him. He should’ve expected it, really; luck didn’t seem to follow him these days.
With a sigh, he turned to Marlene who was, sadly, the person who had spun the bottle. Knowing that, having chosen the truth, he would’ve been asked about the Sirius situation, he wisely chose dare. He quickly realised, though, that this was a bad idea when the same look of mischief often found on Marauders’ faces was now plastered across her own.
“I dare you to kiss Sirius.”
“No,” he answered before she could properly finish her sentence.
“Why not?” She seemed genuinely confused but Remus convinced himself it was an act to get him to succumb. “I mean, you’ve done it before.”
“You’ve what?” James barked, sitting up from where he had leaned back on his elbows. He hit Peter on the back a few times, trying to get the poor boy to stop choking on the sip of vodka he had unfortunately taken just as Marlene was revealing his friends’ secret.
The girl was startled by the realisation that what she had just said wasn’t a commonly known fact between their friends. “Oh, no. I’m so sorry. I thought they already kne—“
“It’s okay, Marlene,” Sirius reassured her with a stone cold expression on his face, complete opposite of the cheerful one he had been wearing all night. “It was just a summer fling. It’s not a big deal.”
Remus could hear James’s faint cries of In my ma’s house? Seriously— Don’t you dare make a pun out of that. That’s disgusting. but he couldn’t bring himself to care, not when his ears were ringing, her vision was growing blurrier by the second and he could physically feel his heart breaking into various pieces, each one black and bruised and still so in love with Sirius.
“Fuck you,” he finally muttered. When he realised it wasn’t loud enough to register in anyone’s brain, he raised his voice. “Fuck you, Black. It’s great to know that for you it wasn’t a big deal, that it was all just experimental. But for me it was. It was a huge deal,” he chuckled humourlessly, barely able to fight the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “I knew it, I knew this was going to happen. I knew I was going to burn myself on you and I didn’t care. In fact I thanked Merlin I got to touch the flame. But I’m glad you are alright as ever.”
After a few beats of silence, Sirius opened his mouth, ready to continue the fight that had been inescapable anyway but shut it right back when Peter started spilling his insides on the carpet they were sitting on.
“Merlin, Pete.” James was rubbing reassuring circles on his back after Lily had cast a spell to clean the mess. “Are you alright?”
“Yeah, ‘m fine,” he slurred, which was a clear indication that he was far from fine.
Remus saw this as an opportunity to leave, having had enough of the drinks and spilling his secrets for one night. “Come on, Wormtail,” he tried to pull the boy up, struggling when he realised that he had gone limp on the ground. “Pete, you gotta help me here. Come on, I’m taking you to bed. Stand up.”
After a few seconds of stumbling and pulling, they finally managed to stand up with Peter’s arm thrown around Remus’s neck and his own arm wrapped around the boy’s waist for stability. With much difficulty they made their way up the spiral case and into the room where Peter was fast to collapse on the bed, careless about brushing his teeth or changing his clothes to something more comfortable. Still, Remus knew better, knew that if he left him in the clothes he was wearing he wouldn’t get a good night’s sleep like he needed so he took it upon himself to help the boy change.
“Okay, now push your head through this— okay, good, great. There we go.” He pulled Peter’s pyjama down, letting it cover his troubled stomach before covering the boy with a blanket. He cast a quick spell to clean the almost-sleeping boy from the remains of the mess before moving away, determined to let him sleep.
Before he could go far, a hand wrapped around his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. “You’re a good friend, Moony,” Peter mumbled, sleep already laced in his voice. “I really hope you work it out with Padfoot. I think you two are the closest thing to soulmates I’ve ever seen. I want you to be happy.”
The tears he was fighting back all night finally made their way past his eyes, salty streams travelling across his cheeks. After making sure Peter was already knocked out, Remus made his way to his own bed, pulled the curtains around him, cast a silencing charm and finally let the sobs spill into his sanctuary, weeks of pent up misery and heartbreak finally making it out of his system in the shape of profound cries. He fell asleep with a stinging feeling in his eyes and a burning flame inside his chest.
—
A week later, Sirius was yet to be in the same room as Remus for more than two seconds if it didn’t involve being in class, where they couldn’t talk anyway, or sleeping, where Remus took it upon himself to come to bed at ungodly hours when he was sure everyone was already asleep.
It was driving the Black boy mad and it was starting to take a toll on every other aspect of his life; his assignments and homework hadn’t been done and he had gotten multiple detentions for it, he was barely listening in class and was even snappier with his comments towards professors which made them take off a couple of Gryffindor’s house points — a fact that didn’t particularly excite any of his house mates and which got him many dirty looks. And the culprit to all his misfortunes just so happened to be the boy he was irrevocably in love with.
He was sitting on the couch in the common room, eyes pointed to the fire in front of him and an abandoned assignment left on the table. His mind was racing, thinking about where he went wrong and what he could do to make it right but he came up short with no possible solution sounding good enough.
He felt the couch dip and turned around with a distant expression to face James while Peter positioned himself in the armchair, looking more uncomfortable than ever. “Hey there, you,” James started lightheartedly, smiling at Sirius before he realised it wouldn’t be returned. “Listen, we’ve gotta talk.”
“What have I done now?” His voice was small and tired and James cursed himself for the lack of better words.
“No, Pads. You haven’t done anything wrong,” James reassured. His eyes quickly glanced towards Peter who urged him with a nod of his head to keep talking. “I’m here to apologise about how I reacted to the news about, uh, you and Moony. It was just difficult to wrap my head around it. Of course I realise now that all those glances and lingering touches had to mean something, I just never put two and two together. And I was scared of what it would mean for us, for Marauders. But I’m not now, I know everything will be okay.”
“Yeah, thanks to me,” Peter pointed out with his arms crossed over his chest. “You wouldn’t have come to your senses this fast if it wasn’t for me pointing out the obvious.”
“And what would that be?” Sirius questioned.
“That no matter what, we’ll always be brothers— well, maybe not brothers, that would mean you and Moony committed incest—“
“It’s okay, Pete,” Sirius laughed and James was glad to finally get to hear the sound again after a week of watching him sulk. “I get what you mean. And I get your point of view, too, James. I was also scared of what it would mean for the group. Well, I guess I don’t have to think about that anymore.”
Peter watched Sirius’s face fall again and shot James a warning look. “That’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about,” James started again, voice serious but warm. “I don’t understand it. I mean, Remus said he thinks it was an experiment for you, a way to pass time, but I can see it wasn’t. You’ve been moping this whole week, you barely sleep, barely eat, you barely do anything, really. Why don’t you just tell him the truth?”
Sirius sighed, his head leaning back on the couch and eyes closing before he snapped back. “Because, James. Because we would be a disaster. I mean, what if I freak out and we lose it all? You’ve thought about the group dynamic if we were to be together, but what if we broke up?”
“But what if you didn’t?” James asked sincerely.
“Come on, Prongs. You don’t have to be so bloody nice all the time just to spare people the pain of the truth. I know it. I’m a Black. It’s in my blood. I don’t know how to love properly and it’s a wonder I even managed to fall in love at all.” James almost interrupted him, too focused on the words fall in love but he realised it wasn’t the time and place for focusing on that. “Whatever I do, I can’t get rid of centuries of loveless marriages that preceded and influenced me. I just can’t. It’s who I am and I love him enough to spare him the suffering he would endure with me. I’m a mess, Jamie, and I don’t want to drag him down with me.”
James was trying hard to keep himself from cursing the whole Black bloodline for the agony they accumulated and passed down from generation to generation. He understood where Sirius was coming from, it was a fair fear to have. However, he knew him better than most people and he knew that, if anyone was able to fight the Black norms, it was Sirius.
However, he also knew that this was something he could never convince Sirius of and all he could do for now was let his friend cry into his shoulder and try to soothe his pain with reassuring words of it’s going to be okay, you’ll be alright repeated over and over like a mantra, like parroting them would make Sirius believe it.
—
Considering Slytherin’s win against Hufflepuff in the latest Quidditch match, they took it upon themselves to organise that year’s annual Halloween party. It was one of the rare occasions where Gryffindors and Slytherins, well known rival houses, were seen enjoying their time together.
The Black lake cast an eerie, turquoise glow on the room, adding to the spooky vibes they were trying to create. Someone had donated their turntable for the night and cast a charm on it to allow music to fill the vast room full of sweaty, swaying bodies of carefree teenagers.
Remus was standing in the corner, listening to Evan talk about his flustering crush on his best friend and roommate; he almost wanted to laugh at the parallels between his situation with Sirius and Evan’s situation with Barty.
“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?” suggested Marlene, leaning further back against Dorcas who had her arm around the blonde girl. “It would spare you the pain of wondering about all the different what-ifs.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” Remus was quick to dispute. “Look what it’s done to me. It’s not worth it.”
“I’ve been meaning to ask you,” started Evan, pausing to take the last gulp of his drink before continuing. “What’s going on with you two?” As he said this he motioned with his head in the direction where Remus knew Sirius was sitting with James and Lily; he could feel the burning heat of Sirius’s gaze on him the whole night and each drink made it harder to ignore.
“Nothing.” But, judging by Evan’s unamused expression, he wasn’t satisfied with this answer. “No, I mean it. Nothing is going on. We’re not talking, we barely even look at each other now.”
“Well, I think some of those rules got lost in translation because he seems to be looking at you plenty.” Marlene tried to hide her snicker behind a cup as she sipped on some firewhiskey.
“I couldn’t care less about that. He can stare all he wants, it won’t change anything and it sure as hell won’t make me run back to him. I’m done with that.” Then he tried to avert the attention from him, already sick of talking about the subject at hand. “Anyway, what were you saying about Barty?”
“I pretty much told you everything already,” Evan sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I just don’t know what to do. Regulus says he thinks Barty fancies me too but I’m too much of a coward to try anything. I want to try doing something that would get him to confess to me, if what Regulus says is true, but I don’t know what.”
Remus could feel a mischievous smirk on his lips as he listened to Evan’s words, a plan appearing in his mind. “Do you trust me?” he asked, eyes boring into Evan’s.
The boy in question furrowed his brows and cocked his head to the side; Remus hated how his mind immediately thought of Sirius and his similar expression when confused. “Uh, sure. I guess. Why do you ask?”
“Then just keep trusting me, okay?”
Evan was about to question him further but his mind quickly provided him with any needed answers when he saw Remus tentatively stepping towards him. Ignoring the wolf-whistles from Marlene and Dorcas, he pushed himself off the wall and made the last step to meet Remus in the middle. They looked at each other for a second, both contemplating if this was actually a good idea. Before either one could back away, though, Evan felt Remus close the gap and connect their lips.
Neither of them wanted it, not really, but when their drunkenness mixed with the mutual suffering, it was hard to separate. Remus knew Evan wasn’t Sirius, that much was obvious from the lack of warmth inside his chest and the lack of hair to tangle his hands into. But as he stood there, mind hazy and heart broken, he couldn’t bring himself to care.
For the rest of the night he kept meeting the end of every bottle, trying hard to drown the gut wrenching feeling that wouldn’t leave him. He kept close to Evan, occasionally moving to the edge of the crowd that occupied the middle of the common room to lazily make out even though both of them knew their hearts weren’t in it.
It was a little over midnight when James found him, arms raised over his head and dancing with an equally drunk Pandora.
“We’re leaving. Peter isn’t feeling the best so I’m going to take him to the room, let him sleep it out,” James informed Remus after snapping him out of his stupor with a tap to his shoulder. “Please don’t be loud when you come back. And try not to bring anyone back with you,” he looked over Remus’s shoulder, catching the sight of Evan who was the one dancing with Pandora now.
“Yeah, no, I won’t,” he didn’t point out how he didn’t want to do that anyway; it didn’t matter. “I’ll come with you, though. I think I had enough for one night.”
“Okay, then. Let’s go. Don’t want to keep poor Pete waiting, he might just pass out on the floor.”
Remus followed James out of the common room, bidding Pandora, Marlene and Dorcas goodbye and smiling knowingly when he saw Barty hurriedly dragging Evan up to their room. As soon as the door closed behind them and music became muffled, Remus realised just how much he’d had to drink.
He turned to face his friends, about to voice his need to be in bed as soon as possible when he saw another person sheepishly standing by James and Peter.
“Oh,” he breathed out, suddenly sobering up. “When you said we’re leaving you really meant all of you.”
“Moony, come on,” James grumbled, both too tired and too drunk to deal with the ongoing conflict. “It’s too late for this. You two can be civil for five minutes.”
But as it turns out, they couldn’t be, even though Remus had tried his best. He fell into step with the rest, making sure to stand on the far right side next to James while Sirius walked on the opposite side. For a few minutes it was peaceful and James almost forgot the bitter air that had been engulfing their group for weeks. However, he should’ve known better than to let himself believe in fairytales.
“So,” Sirius started, ignoring the look James was throwing him over Peter’s head. “Are you and Rosier dating?”
Remus scoffed. “I can date whomever I want.”
“So you are,” Sirius concluded, eyes falling to the ground in front of them.
“What’s it to you?”
“Oh, nothing. I just noticed you two getting cozy with each other, that’s all.”
“Sirius,” James scolded disapprovingly.
“Well, if you really must know, we’re not,” Remus began, his voice cold and expression unfazed though if you listened hard enough, you could hear a slight tremble in his voice. “But even if we were, it wouldn’t be any of your business.”
It was Sirius’s turn to scoff now. “So I’m not allowed to know what my friends are up to?”
“We are not friends, Sirius.”
He didn’t know if it was the casual way in which he said this, like he didn’t have to think about it, like it was a given, but something about Remus’s words made Sirius stop in his tracks. The rest continued for a few steps before they realised Sirius had fallen out of the line and pivoted around to look at him.
“What?” His voice was small and to his own ears sounded like the one he used to use with Walburga; he tried to stop the flashbacks willing to possess his thoughts.
Remus seemed unaware of his inner battle. Either that or he didn’t really care because any nuance of feelings suddenly drained from his eyes. “What do you mean what?” Sirius could feel the goosebumps cover his arms at the sound of Remus’s voice. “We are not friends. I don’t know what I should do to make it more obvious to you. Because a friend wouldn’t betray me like this. A friend wouldn’t make me fall in love with him just to pretend like nothing happened later.”
“I— I don’t— I didn’t think—“
“That’s the problem, Sirius,” his voice had risen, waking up a few portraits around them but he ignored their disapproving glances. “You never think. And you don’t even care because if you did, it would mean you had a heart. Which you don’t.” He knew his words were harsh and direct but he couldn’t bring himself to care. The only thing on his mind was making Sirius feel the way he had been feeling since the boy brushed off his every attempt to talk about their relationship when they met up again on the Hogwarts Express in September.
James and Peter looked uncomfortable caught in the middle of a brawl though not surprised by it; it had, admittedly, been a long time coming. “Lads,” James tried getting their attention but it fell on deaf ears.
Sirius’s lip trembled and he caught it between his teeth, gnawing at it until he tasted metal. He looked up, begging for the tears to stop from spilling. This only seemed to agitate Remus further and he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and calm himself down.
“You don’t get to do that,” he started calmly, crossing the last few steps that separated him from the boy but the way Sirius looked at him innocently made him forget his silent promise to keep it cool. “No, you know what. Fuck this.” He dropped his head to catch Sirius’s gaze, faces mere inches apart. “Fuck it, Sirius. I’m— I was in love with you. So fuck you if I can’t have this, us.”
With that, he moved back a bit, looking to the side to regain his indifference. “You know what the funny thing is?” His laugh lacked any kind of warmth Sirius was used to. “That I’m getting so worked up over this and you don’t even care. You’ll never feel sorry for the way I hurt.”
Sirius stumbled a bit when Remus passed him and knocked into his shoulder with commitment, but regained his posture quickly, body spinning around and hand wrapping around Remus’s wrist.
“Wha—“ Remus looked down at his wrist, bewildered, before his gaze followed along the arm holding it and his eyes met Sirius’s. “Sirius, let go.”
“No.”
He tried to rip himself from Sirius’s grasp but to no avail; every time he pulled, Sirius tightened his grip until they were standing chest to chest. Remus let his walls come crumbling down, his head falling onto Sirius’s shoulder and lungs drawing heaving breaths in between chilling sobs.
“Shh, I know. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Moons,” Sirius kept repeating like a prayer, willing for his words to put out the fire between them.
With Sirius’s hands in his hair, stroking a familiar pattern, Remus managed to compose his breathing. Embarrassed by his lack of self-control, he moved back, taking note of James and Peter who managed to fall asleep leaning back on the wall and on each other at some point during their argument.
Sirius raised his hand instinctively, itching to wipe the tears that flooded Remus’s face before he remembered he was the culprit behind them.
“Why did you do it?” Remus’s voice was devoid of any coldness it previously possessed. “We could’ve talked about it, it would’ve been okay. We would’ve been alright.”
“I had to,” Sirius muttered, eyes burning into Remus’s in order to show him the sincerity of his words. “It wasn’t my intention to make you fall in love with me.”
“Bullshit.”
“No, it’s the truth.” He tried to take Remus’s hand into his and almost cried when Remus flinched, moving a few steps away like Sirius’s touch had stung him. “I was being selfish. I saw an opportunity to have something I had dreamed of for so long and I ran with it. I failed to consider how it would affect you and I’m sorry for that.”
Remus shook his head confusedly. “Something you wanted for so long?”
“You,” Sirius explained and, before Remus could object, he continued. “Fuck, Moons. I’ve been in love with you for years. I just— I couldn’t let you be with me knowing that we were doomed from the start. I’m bad at love, we would burn to the ground.”
Remus hesitated for a moment, eyes falling to the floor before meeting Sirius’s again. “So let us burn,” he muttered. “It’s not just your decision to make, it’s mine, too.”
“You don’t understand,” Sirius sighed. “I don’t know how to love properly, I’ll screw this up.”
“You think I know anything about love? Because I don’t. No one does, really. Merlin, Sirius, love is so complex. It’s different for everyone. So many books written about it, so many wars fought over it, and yet each experience is unlike the one before. No one is born with the knowledge of how to love, we are meant to be learning about our whole lives. So let’s learn together,” he paused for a second, second guessing his confession. “That is, if you want—“
“I do.”
The moment was broken by James who decided to shoot up, startling the still half-asleep Peter. “Lovely, then. We can go now.”
“I thought you two were sleeping,” Sirius’s statement was said more like a question, two patches of pink covering his cheeks with the knowledge that his friends had heard their whole conversation.
“Pete was.” James looked down at the boy before correcting himself, “Still is. As for me, it’s quite hard to fall asleep with all that yelling, don’t you think?”
“Sorry ‘bout that.” James was, however, quick to brush off Sirius’s apology, throwing his arm around the boy’s shoulder and ruffling his hair with the confirmation that he was happy they had worked it out in the end, even if it was for the price of his beauty sleep.
—
Sun burning through his eyelids was the first thing he acknowledged upon being woken up. The second one was soft, feathery kisses across his face and the undeniable happiness inside his heart.
Sirius noticed the slight flutter of his eyes and the change in his breathing and pulled back slightly, just enough to murmur lazily, “Good morning, sweetheart.”
Remus hummed, eyes opening before closing again, struggling to adjust to the sudden light. “Good morning, you,” he smiled and flipped to his side, body facing Sirius’s and an arm sneaking around his waist to pull him closer, breathing in the familiar scent he had missed so much. “I could get used to this.”
“You should,” he stared deeply into Remus’s eyes, hoping to convey the sincerity from his words. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Not on my watch, you’re not.”
He pushed Sirius onto his back before climbing on top of him, using his arms to steady himself. His eyes travelled across Sirius’s face, taking pictures in his mind to look at for years to come before his gaze fell on his lips, slightly parted and almost begging for Remus.
The sudden realisation that he could now kiss those lips anytime and anywhere instead of only in Sirius’s room at the Potters’ in the dead of the night hit him and it was all he needed to dip his head down and close the gap between them.
Sirius sighed contently at the contact. He felt Remus mouth opening slightly, tongue darting into his own and happily followed suit. He let his arms wrap around Remus’s waist, pulling the boy impossibly closer though no amount of closeness was enough. He wanted to crawl inside Remus’s skin, make himself a shelter there and never leave; be one with the man he loved more than he could ever express.
Remus let out a surprised yelp when Sirius flipped them over, legs on either side of Remus and lips never leaving each other’s. The kiss grew more heated, their breaths heavier with each passing second. Remus’s hands found their way under Sirius’s t-shirt, pushing their hips together and eliciting a small groan from Sirius.
A loud cough echoed from across the room, startling the boys who quickly pulled away, detangling themselves from each other. “If you’re done sucking each other’s faces off, we should get ready for breakfast.” Sirius could swear he heard James mutter even though you two seem to be in a mood for a different kind of meal but he chose not to question him about it.
“Shit,” Remus rubbed the back of his neck, looking at James apologetically. “Sorry, mate. I didn’t see you. I thought you’d gone to breakfast.”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it. Just please, for the love of Merlin, keep that kind of interactions for just the two of you, yeah? I’m really not into voyeurism and I think Pete here is permanently traumatised.”
They looked over at the boy who sat unmoving with his arms wrapped around his knees and a sudden interest in the floor from which his gaze didn’t waver.
After more embarrassed apologising, the four of them finally dressed up and got ready for the day before leaving the dorm and making their way down to the Great Hall. They sat down at their usual spot next to Marlene, Lily and Mary and started loading their plates with food that would hopefully help cure their slight hangover.
Remus spread the toast with butter while Sirius made him a cup of coffee with a splash of milk and enough sugar to kill a village. He accepted the cup with a grateful smile before his eyes met Evan’s from across the hall. He could see him and Barty sitting closer than usual and, even from a distance, the radiant glint in his eyes was obvious to the ever-observant Remus.
He smiled at the boy, throwing him a wink which didn’t go unnoticed by Sirius. “Are you jealous?” he whispered into his ear after hearing the boy scoff humourlessly.
“No.”
“Sure you’re not.” Remus couldn’t help the amused grin at the roll of Sirius’s eyes. “You know it was just a scheme to get him and Crouch together, right?”
Sirius beamed up at him before he could stop himself, completely abandoning his indifferent demeanour. “Really?” He didn’t even try to conceal the excitement in his voice, knowing now that Remus really did only have eyes for him.
“Really,” he confirmed. “Seems like we managed to kill two birds with one stone.”
And then he kissed Sirius; just a small peck, really, but it surprised him how easily it came to him. Kissing Sirius in front of the whole Great Hall seemed like second nature and, in that moment, he believed it was. He wasn’t sure if soulmates existed, but he knew Sirius was the closest he would ever come to finding out.
“I love you,” he whispered. It was barely a sound, meant for just the two of them and the space between, and he almost doubted Sirius had even heard him but then he was kissing Remus again, whispering and I love you more and turning back to his breakfast before Remus could argue with that.
Oh yes, he could definitely get used to this.
—