Chapter 1
Chapter 1
Eddie,
I’m sitting in your kitchen again, just like I did before you left. The same counter, the same coffee cup you always used, but somehow, nothing feels familiar anymore. It's as if the place is just a shell now—empty, cold. It smells different, too. I can’t tell if it’s the silence or the weight of the space that makes me feel like I’m suffocating, but it’s been happening more often than I want to admit.
It’s been 2 weeks, 4 days, and 11 hours since you left for El Paso, but it already feels like a lifetime. Time’s been bending in strange ways—some moments drag on forever, others seem to blur together in a haze. The world keeps spinning, but everything around me feels out of sync. It’s like my brain can’t catch up with everything that’s happened, with everything that’s still happening.
Maddie… I don’t know how to talk about it. I don’t even know if I’m ready to say it out loud, but I’m afraid of what happens if I don’t. I keep thinking about her. How she’s out there, and I don’t have any answers. There’s no sign of her, and I’m just stuck here, pretending like I’m okay. Like it’s normal to be waiting for a call that may never come. It’s okay to keep breathing when it feels like my chest is made of stone.
And then there’s you. You, gone, and all I’ve got left are these walls. I can’t stop imagining you with Christopher in El Paso. I don’t know if that’s what I want for you, Eddie. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing you’re gone or not knowing when you’ll come back. It feels like I’m just grasping at straws, trying to hold on to something that’s already slipping away.
I thought I could handle being alone. But I never really was, was I? Not until now. Not until this house, these rooms, this goddamn kitchen that’s supposed to mean something but doesn’t anymore. The silence is louder than I ever imagined. The quiet’s the worst part of all this, Eddie. The way it makes me face everything I’ve been running from. The way it makes me realize that maybe, just maybe, I don’t know how to be without you.
You told me once that I didn’t have to always be the strong one. I thought I knew what you meant. But now I’m sitting here, and I can’t even figure out what to do with my own damn hands.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all of this. I don’t even know who I am when you’re not here.
I’m sorry for the mess I’ve become. Maybe this was always going to happen, maybe we were always going to end up here. I don’t know. But I can’t keep pretending.
I miss you, Eddie.
More than I thought I ever could.
-Buck
Buck sat alone in Eddie's kitchen, the weight of his unsent letter pressing heavily on his mind. He glanced at the clock before dialing Eddie's number, hoping to find some semblance of normalcy in their conversation.
Eddie answered after a few rings, his voice tired yet warm. "Hey, Buck."
"Hey, Eddie. How's everything going over there?" Buck asked, trying to keep his tone light despite the turmoil brewing within him.
Eddie sighed softly. "It's been... challenging. Christopher was shocked to see me, and he's been pretty distant. Whenever I try to talk to him, he shuts me out."
Buck's heart ached for his friend. "I'm sorry to hear that, Eddie. I know how much you want to reconnect with him."
"Yeah," Eddie replied, his voice tinged with frustration. “I thought moving here would fix things, but it feels like we’re just drifting further apart.”
"Maybe he's just processing everything in his own way," Buck suggested gently. "You've both been through a lot."
"Maybe," Eddie conceded. "But it's hard not to feel like I'm failing him as a father."
"You're not failing him, Eddie," Buck said firmly. "You're doing everything you can, and that's all anyone can ask."
There was a brief pause before Eddie changed the subject. "How's everything back in LA? How's the team?"
Buck hesitated, the knowledge of Maddie's kidnapping flashing in his mind. He forced a smile, knowing Eddie couldn't see it but hoping it would translate into his voice. Buck clenched his jaw for a second, forcing his voice to stay steady. “Same as always. One disaster after another. We had a pretty bad apartment fire 3 days ago. The whole building went up fast, but we got everyone out.”
“Big one?” Eddie asked.
“Yeah,” Buck said. “One of the worst we’ve had in a while. But no casualties, so… we’ll take the win.”
“That’s good,” Eddie said, then hesitated. “You okay?”
Buck swallowed, forcing himself to sound normal. “Yeah. Just… a lot, you know?”
“Yeah,” Eddie echoed.
There was another pause before Eddie spoke again. “How’s everyone else holding up?”
Buck exhaled, grateful for the shift. “Same as always. Bobby’s drowning in paperwork. Hen and Chim are holding everything together. And Ravi? Poor guy’s still trying to survive Chim’s version of mentorship.”
Eddie chuckled. “You tell him to just nod and agree when Chim starts overexplaining?”
“Oh, I tried,” Buck said with a grin. “But you know Chim. He takes that as a challenge.”
Eddie laughed, and Buck closed his eyes, letting the sound settle something deep in his chest. “At least Chim won't chase Ravi with a chainsaw like you did.”
“Hey!” Buck squawked.
There was a comfortable silence between them before Eddie spoke again, his voice softer. "I miss you guys. I miss the station, the calls... even the chaos."
"We miss you too, Eddie," Buck said sincerely. "It's not the same without you."
"Thanks, Buck," Eddie replied, emotion thick in his voice. "That means a lot."
"Anytime, man," Buck said softly. "And if you ever need to talk, about anything, I'm here."
"I know," Eddie said. "And I appreciate it.”
They said their goodbyes, but neither of them hung up right away, lingering in the silence like it was the only thing keeping them tethered.