Dear Padfoot,
I am feeling completely numb and soulless without you here, ever since Bellatrix killed you I am not the same. Moony is the only one that says it’s okay to mourn you for this long, but everyone else just doesn’t get it that even though I only knew you for a very small time, I loved you like the father I don’t remember. They say 20 years is more than enough time to get over your death, but you were a living memory of my parents and had a huge impact on me.
I think you would be proud to know that I am going to therapy, again thanks to Moony, and my therapist suggested that I write my feelings on a piece of paper, kinda like a letter, so here I am… writing to you like you were going to read. It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? You are dead and I am here imagining you talking to me through letters like we used to… but it is nowhere as fun as seeing you in the Hogwarts fireplace.
I miss laughing with you, I miss having trouble next to you, I miss getting scolded by Moony after I talked to you all night instead of sleeping… I miss you.
Please enjoy the afterlife with mom and dad…. I know you have lots of people up there with you, even your little brother, but I can’t help wishing that you were here with me instead…. I’m being selfish, I know. I lost the three most important people in my life, and even though I have kids and a wife, I still feel like a kid all alone again.
A little part of you is here with me, I named one of my boys after you… I hope you like that. All your stories are being passed to my kids, I tell them all your cool and heroic moments, sometimes I even tell them the same story 10 times. And honestly, writing this is starting to feel just as good as talking about you to them, I just don’t know what to do with this letter, maybe I’ll go to the graveyard and put it on top of your grave, so I can pretend you are going to read it.
Maybe everyone is right and I am crazy. Two decades is really a big time to be sad and miserable, I don’t know if even Ginny can pretende she gets me anymore, I am scared I will get divorced over this and also lose my kids. Let's say my son Albus is not my biggest fan ever… I would even dare to day he prefers spending time with Malfoy and his kids than to be with me.
I am not trying to forget you, believe me when I say that you’ll never be forgotten, but I have to get over it and move on with my life. I need to cherish your memory, not drown in it. You were my family and it will always be. Even after your 20th death anniversary.
I’ve spent so many days crying, absolutely sobbing, wishing I had died with you. I was a total wreck (not that I improved a lot). But I am really starting to feel better about your death. My therapist says it’s okay to feel sad sometimes, that is healthy and way better than being constantly sad.
It was good talking to you…
With love, Harry.